The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – ABC

Created by Barry Kemp

Theme music composed by John Morris.

• 001. Kelly and the Professor – 2/28/1989
  • Coach Hayden Fox (Craig T. Nelson) works as the coach of the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles football team, aided by assistant coaches Luther Van Dam (Jerry Van Dyke) and student Michael “Dauber” Dybinski (Bill Faggerbakke). He is in a long-distance relationship with TV sportscaster Christine Armstrong (Shelly Fabares), whom he sees whenever she is in town from the Twin Cities. His daughter Kelly (Clare Carey) has recently decided to attend the school, after moving from Ohio, where she had lived with her mother Beth for the fourteen previous years following her parents’ divorce. As Hayden and Luther try to deal with an overweight player named Fred Webb (Travis McKenna) who is trying to slim down eleven pounds to 290, Kelly mentions to her father that she is going on a date with one of the college professors. Although Kelly demands that he trust her, Hayden can’t help but seek out the professor by having Dauber get Kelly’s schedule to figure out which professor it might be. By eliminating all of the females on the list, Hayden determines in must be English Professor John Sterling (Alan Rosenberg), so Hayden pays him a threatening visit. Sterling is apologetic and fearfully promises not to go forward with the date. The next night when Hayden has Kelly over for dinner, she mentions that the date went well, so Hayden immediately leaves the house and heads to the university to threaten Sterling again. Kelly follows him and reveals that she did not go out with Sterling, and in fact , the professor she dated wasn’t one of hers. Although Kelly still refuses to reveal the actual professor, she and Hayden agree to work on trusting each other more. Karl Wiedergott is a student. NOTE: Although it is never stated, Minnesota State is assumed to be located in Mankato, Minnesota. NOTE: This is the second episode to be filmed after the pilot, and second sequentially as far as storyline, but aired as the first episode. 11/7/20

• 002. Pilot – 3/1/1989
  • Christine is in town, and after she interviews Hayden for a story, the two make plans for a dinner date while she is in town. Hayden then gets a letter from his daughter Kelly, who tells him that she intends to come to Minnesota State to begin her college courses in dance. Hayden is torn because he hasn’t been a father since his divorce fourteen years prior. However, he cannot bring himself to tell her that he is skeptical of the arrangement, so he feigns excitement. After he and Luther clean the house from top to bottom for her visit, she arrives, and although he absolutely doesn’t want her living with him, it is the first thing she offers. Kelly however also doesn’t think it is a good idea, and he dodges the bullet. When Christine calls and Kelly overhears the conversation, she realizes that her visit has ruined his plans, so she leaves somewhat distraught, despite Hayden’s pleas for her to stay. He picks up Christine at her hotel, where he attempts to recruit a track runner (Gary Kasper), who happens to be sitting in the lobby. Hayden and Christine go back to Hayden’s house where she makes dinner, but Hayden can’t concentrate because he is worried about being a good father to Kelly. Christine has mixed emotions, but ultimately says that Hayden’s concern has never made him sexier. Despite the growing lust, she leaves so that he can call Kelly. The next day, as Hayden is screaming at his team for a lazy practice, Kelly comes to his office and tells him that she plans to withdraw from the school. Hayden pleads with her to stay and tells her that it is really what he wants. After he goes and screams at the team, he returns and calmly asks her if she’s made her decision. Although she recognizes his ability to put on a false face for effect, she agrees that she will give it – and a relationship with her father – a chance. Glenn-Michael Jones is player Lewis. Pat Crawford Brown is the school secretary Mrs. Thorkelson. Bill Shick is the hotel desk clerk. NOTE: This is the pilot episode but was the second episode aired. 11/7/20
• 003. Kelly, Meet Christine – 3/8/1989
  • As Hayden is preparing to have a meeting of the team coaches to view footage of the Ohio State Buckeyes, he is surprised by a visit from Christine who is in town to cover a highway accident that has backed up traffic. He tells Luther and Dauber that they should hold the meeting without him in case something ever happens to him, they’ll know how to be prepared. He is then reminded by Kelly that he had made dinner plans with her also, and she suggests that the three of them all eat together. Hayden is reluctant but both Kelly and Christine think it is a great idea. Despite his fears, Kelly and Christine get along great, but when the dinner is over, Hayden starts lying to Kelly and telling her that Christine is heading back to her hotel. Kelly senses a fight and exits quickly. Sure enough Christine is offended by Hayden’s lie and questions their relationship if they can’t even share it with Kelly, locking herself in the bedroom. Hayden agrees to tell Kelly if Christine will agree to tell her mother Mildred. Hayden heads off to the school and stops by to tell Luther how awkward he feels. When he finally gets up the nerve to tell Kelly, she of course already knows they are sleeping together, and suggests that if they want each other to be happy, they need to be honest. On his way out, he is doused with water shortly after Kelly’s dormmate Shari (Karen Mistal) announces a water fight. Hayden returns home soaked by triumphant, but is disappointed when Christine tell him she hasn’t called her mother yet. Hayden tells her that he will be in the bedroom, which will only unlock once she has phoned Mildred. 11/26/20
• 004. I’m in Love with a Boy Named Stuart – 3/15/1989
  • Band director Riley Pringle (Raye Birk) is livid with Hayden because the team mascot Screaming Eagle has quit because of being roughed up on the field by some players. He holds Hayden responsible and demands that he find a replacement, or he will report him to the Dean. Meanwhile, Kelly asks Hayden if her new boyfriend Stuart Rosebrock (Kris Kamm) can join them for dinner. Hayden is excited that Kelly wants him involved and plans to ask Stuart to go fishing with him. However, when he meets him, Hayden is less than impressed because Stuart is an Theater major who constantly breaks into mime, refuses to eat meat, and hates being called ‘Stu’ because it takes the ‘art’ out of his name. When he and Christine arrive home, he confesses how much he can’t stand him. When Kelly stops by to get his verdict, he pretends to like him, but can’t hide the fact that he doesn’t. Kelly accuses him of only liking people who are just like him, and storms out saying that if he can’t accept Stuart, she won’t see him anymore. As Hayden prepares to give his team a pre-game pep talk, Stuart stops by his office and breaks down sobbing because Kelly means so much to him and he wants Hayden to like him. Hayden agrees to find some common ground with him but doesn’t know how. However with the constant warnings from Riley Pringle, he offers to let Stuart lead his team onto the field as the mascot, and Stuart excitedly obliges. Nick Toth is the helmet salesman. Earl Bullock is Nick, the manager of the Touchdown Club. 11/27/20
• 005. The Loss Weekend – 3/22/1989
  • Even after a pre-game pep talk, the Screaming Eagles are annihilated at the season home game opener against Wichita. Hayden is inconsolable, not even when Kelly brings her friends Shari (Karen M. Waldron), Lynn (Diane Almeida), Toby, and Karen to see him. At one point during the game, there were only ten men on the field instead of eleven, so Hayden makes Luther and Dauber through counting to eleven over and over again. Christine is reluctant to come see Hayden after work for the weekend, because she knows how he gets after a loss. He vows that it won’t be like that and begs her to come anyway. When he goes to her hotel to pick her up, at least two men (Thomas Hill, Tom Holiday) both joke to him about the eleven men. They decide to go to his place instead of out in public, and sure enough, Hayden can’t get his mind of the game and pays her no attention whatsoever. Eventually she decides to go back to the hotel. After dropping her off, he winds up staying in the lobby all night writing down all of the things important to him on postcards and organizing them… coming to the conclusion that Christine and Kelly are more important to him than football. Christine also realizes that she needs to accept his passion for his job and football if they plan to have a future. The two reconcile, and then Coach remembers that he never gave Luther and Dauber permission to stop making the team count to eleven. Willie Garson is the hotel desk clerk. 3/17/21
• 006. Gambling for Meat – 4/5/1989
  • The Screaming Eagles lose another game to Iowa 44-3, and after the game, Hayden and Luther go to the Touchdown Club, where Nick the restaurant manager announces that Luther has won an expensive steak dinner for correctly guessing the final score of the game. Hayden is angry but gets over it by the end of the weekend. However the college athletic director Howard Burleigh (Kenneth Kimmins) insists that Luther’s action is an NCAA violation and that Luther needs a 30-day suspension. Hayden has no choice but to suspend him, and Luther doesn’t take it well. It goes around telling everyone that he was fired, and shows up at Hayden’s house in the middle of the night to borrow the typewriter to type up his resume. Eventually he drives Hayden so crazy that Hayden starts sleeping at the office. He then finds out from Kelly that Luther has taken a job as a waiter at the Touchdown Club. Hayden goes to retrieve him and try to convince him that his job is safe. He immediately gets yelled out by a customer (John Hostetter) for firing Luther, after Luther has told him his sob story. Hayden takes Luther back to his office and calls in Howard and demands that Luther be reinstated immediately. When Howard won’t do it, Hayden quits his job and storms out. Luther feels terrible and tells Howard he has to get him back, and he was only advocating for him because he was so negative and was driving him crazy. Howard tells him that his hands are tied, so Luther begs Howard to tell Hayden that Luther is okay with the suspension. The Coach then re-enters and winks at Howard, indicating that the two had worked out this plan in advance. Tiny Ron Taylor is the huge Iowa player. Barbara Lusch is the coat check girl. 3/18/21
• 007. 19 Candles – 4/12/21
  • Hayden is excited to take Kelly out to dinner for her 19th birthday, a tradition they’ve always shared between the two of them. He has his bronze toe shoe bookends all ready to give her as well. Luther and Dauber discuss getting Kelly a gift as well, and a woman (Gloria Cromwell) at the next table tells him what a great father he is. The bliss comes crashing down when Kelly arrives at dinner, and tells him that Stuart is going to be joining them. Hayden insists that he would be an intrusion, and she insists that he is now part of the family. The fight is only made worse when a clown (Jerry Winsett) that Luther and Dauber sent over shows up. Kelly and Stuart end up walking out of the restaurant, and Hayden heads home. Christine tells Hayden that she frankly didn’t know why she was not welcome at the dinner. Kelly and Stuart then show up at the house, a suggestion by Stuart to clear the air. The next discussion comes to a halt when Stuart, Kelly, and Christine all wind up in tears. Hayden heads to his office, and finally starts to realize that he’s acted like a jerk. Kelly comes to see him and apologizes for not talking about having Stuart at the dinner beforehand. She then waits for her father’s apology, and he struggles through it, admitting that he always associated their birthday dinners together, ones that he’s never missed and often had challenges attending, with alleviating his guilt for not being there for her. He works his way to an official apology, and she tells him that since they see each other all of the time, he no longer needs to feel guilty. She offers to go out to dinner with him still, and although he hoped she would have wanted to go alone, he agrees to let Stuart and Christine come along as well. 7/13/21
• 008. Parents’ Weekend – 4/19/1989
  • Parents Weekend is coming up at Minnesota State, and this means that Hayden will have to see his ex-wife Beth (Lenore Kasdorf). She calls while Christine is at Hayden’s house, and it is clear he doesn’t want to tell her that she is there, which hurts Christine’s feelings. Hayden tells her that it would be cruel for Beth to know he is dating an attractive, successful woman like her, when Beth is extremely overweight. Nevertheless, Christine feels the need to see her, and sneaks into Hayden’s office where only Luther sees her. She winds up leaving because she feels embarrassed. Hayden then is reunited with Beth, and to his astonishment, she has lost her weight and looks great. After the Parents Weekend is over, Christine again tries to see Beth by hiding incognito at the Touchdown Club where they are eating. A man at the bar (James F. Dean) recognizes her from the news and reveals to everyone that she is there. Hayden takes her into the coatroom, where between giving coats to his player Jeff Clark’s father (Cal Gibson), and his twin players’ father (Kenneth J. Scherr), he talks to Christine about her insecurity, which is now worse since Beth is no longer fat. She summons every bit of courage she has to say hello to Beth before slinking out of the restaurant. Later that night, Beth comes back to Hayden’s house and they chat about how she was motivated to lose the weight because she knew she’d be seeing Hayden when Kelly got accepted at Minnesota State. She also tells Hayden that felt sorry for him and Christine since they had a rough day because of her… and is eager to take the blame. She also spots Christine outside waiting in her car. After she leaves, Christine comes into the house, and Hayden struggles to feign surprise. Christine talks to him and tells him that, for the first time, she wants a little bit more than a physical weekend relationship. Hayden agrees that he would like that too. She also asks Hayden if he now has any regrets, and he tells her that the only regret is that he couldn’t spend the weekend with her. Jim Boeke is Dauber’s father Mr. Dybinsky. Greta Brown is Eloise Dupree, mother of Hayden’s recruit Livingston. NOTE: Twins Paul and Mark Hekimian are credited as the twins, but their parts were likely cut in pre-production. 7/14/21
• 009. I’m Sorry I Told You My Wife Was Dead – 4/26/1989
  • The Coach gives the players a talking-to about stealing stuff from the school, and accepting gifts from local vendors… then let’s Kelly make a long distance call from his office. The speech starts to work as players return things, including Douber’s car keys. The mood turns sullen however, when Luther informs Hayden that a long-time friend, alumni, and school benefactor named Earl Rizendough has died. The coaches mourn the loss for a bit, but then see the bright side that Earl had promised that his money would go to build a new athletic center at the school. Howard however throws cold water on the plan when he tells them that Earl’s widow (Patricia Morrill) plans to give the money to medical research. Howard sends the Coach to go try and talk her into changing her mind, but he seems to hit a brick wall early in the conversation. However, when he alludes to the fact that he had lost his wife, and that he did whatever he could to honor his wife’s wishes on how to raise Kelly, she starts to understand that honoring her late husband may mean doing what he would want with the money… even though she has always hated football. She says she will think about it, and invites Hayden to return for dinner and asks him to bring Kelly. Hayden initially invites her, but then feels guilty about asking her to pretend that her mother is dead, so he simply asks her not to go. When Hayden arrives, Mrs. Rizindough hands him a check for one million dollars, promising an additional ten once the ball gets rolling on the new athletic center. Hayden starts to feel guilty, and he confesses that he simply meant that he and his wife has simply gotten a divorce. He even admits that he was purposely deceiving her because he wanted the center so badly. She rips up the check, and even though Hayden asks if his truthfulness now will get him any reward, she tells him that his reward will be that he now has a clean conscience. Beth Grant is Martha the maid. 1/10/22
• 010. Define Romance – 5/3/1989
  • Christine calls and invites Hayden to go to the La boheme opera with her, but he declines and tells her to take someone else. Hayden then finds her photo in the newspaper at the event with another man, one of her co-workers named Doug Stafford (James Carroll Jordan). Hayden gets immediately jealous and drives to Minneapolis to confront her. They get into an argument because Christine says they’ve never defined their relationship. While he is still there, Doug calls and asks if he can pay back Christine by taking her to an art gallery opening. This enrages Hayden even more, so he threatens that he too can go out with ‘friends’. He initially looks for a woman to take out on a date, but winds up planning the evening with Luther and Dauber to watch football, play cards, and eat chili. It isn’t long before Hayden starts thinking about Christine, and takes off for Minneapolis. Once he arrives, he wants to define their relationship quickly to keep her from going out with Doug. The best ‘definition’ he can come up with is to ask her to ‘go steady.’ She agrees, so when Doug arrives, she sticks to her promise and tells him she needs to back out of their plans. Then right behind Doug, his fiancé Susan (Nancy Bleier) shows up at the door, and they invite Christine to bring Hayden along on their night out. Hayden can’t believe that Christine tricked him into going steady, but decides not to back of it. He even acknowledges that he should give her something special, so she requests that they attend the gallery opening together. Hayden reluctantly agrees, although he tries to get out of it by buying her a VCR. Meanwhile, Hayden tries to counsel his player Fred Webb (Travis McKenna) from getting picked on by the other guys when they dare him to put his tongue on the frozen goalposts. He winds up going overboard getting revenge on his fellow players, so Hayden punishes him with one push-up, since he respects him for standing up for himself. NOTE: Doug’s character is named as Doug Madison in the credits. 1/10/22
• 011. Whose Team Is It Anyway? – 5/17/1989
  • The Eagles are getting ready to play the final game of the season, and whether they have a winning or a losing season is riding on the game. The best player on the team, Carter Frederickson (Gary Hershberger),  who is projected to beat the rushing record and has been predicted to go to the pros, has been late for practice. The coach warns him about it, but he doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously. The coach is riding on his performance to help lead the team to victor in the final game, and fears for his job if he has a losing season. Coach gives him the punishment of not starting in the next game, but Carter asks if he’ll be in on the second play with a smirk. Coach puts Dauber in charge of making sure Carter gets to the next practice on time, but Dauber loses him. Carter is late for practice and then shows up with a phony doctor’s note indicating he is going to miss practice. Hayden struggles with what to do because he doesn’t want to lose the respect of his team and himself. He ultimately decides to do what is best for the team, and gives Carter permission to skip practice as long as he stays home. That night he goes to the Touchdown Club for dinner with Christine, and Carter shows up with his friends and orders a beer. Hayden is livid and demands he leave the restaurant. Again he struggles with whether or not to play him. Ultimately he gathers the team together and tells them of his struggle, but then says he is going to do what is best for the team, rather than himself. Then he drops the bomb on  Carter and tells him that he’s not playing. Carter can hardly believe it, but the coach tells him that no matter how great he is on the field, his attitude makes him now worth it. Meanwhile, Hayden reluctantly agrees to temporarily take the dog that Kelly and her friend Shari (Karen M. Waldron) rescued. The coach names him Misha, and relies on Kelly to help take care of it, but she immediately lets him down and doesn’t show up to feed it. 5/21/22
• 012. Hoot, Hoot Hike – 5/31/1989
  • Hayden is having a great day as the team is looking great on the field, but then Kelly shows up to tell her father about the European dance choreographer Madame Roola (Natalija Nogulich) who is teaching her class, and how she wants to meet Hayden. He agrees to see her ‘sometime’, but she is out in the hall and barges in on him – after she barges into the men’s shower room. She dramatically bounces around the room flirting with Hayden and Luther, and then asks if she can attend one of his practices so she can get ideas on how to create a football ballet. Hayden tries to decline the request, but she and Kelly somehow talk him into allowing it. After the practice, Hayden lays into her for running all over the field and getting into the middle of the huddle. She claims she has enough information to create the ballet, which she calls Hoot, Hoot Hike. She makes Kelly on of the leads, ensuring that Hayden will have to be at least minimally involved. Kelly invites Hayden and the coaches to come see their rehearsal, which is full of all men, including the lead Bernard (Loren Haynes), and Kelly, who is playing the football. At the end of the dance, Madame Roola grips Hayden in the butt. His coaches are anxious to bid a hasty retreat, but Madame Roola keeps the Coach behind and then jumps on him and tries to kiss him passionately. Hayden escapes back to the cabin, and tells him about the crazy woman stalking him. Although Christine is skeptical, soon she sees for herself that Madame Roola has followed the coach back home and is dancing outside his window. When she collapses, barefoot in the snow, Christine insists that he bring her inside. She is passed out, but turns out to be playing possum, and jumps into his arms again. Hayden calls security on her, so she finally leaves on her own, but not before berating Hayden for not appreciating art and not being a free spirit. After she’s gone, Hayden contemplates on whether he and Christine truly are boring or not. Christine tries to convince him otherwise, and culminates her argument by jumping in his arms. John Alves is football player Danny. 5/21/22
• 013. Dauber’s Blow-Out – 6/7/1989
  • School is coming to a close for the year, and Dauber is planning his big blow-out party, making sure he has hundreds of bags of chips, canned cheese, a bathtub full of guacamole, and plenty of port-o-johns in his house. Coach is ready to take Luther on a fishing trip to Lake Midge, but Luther has no confidence that the trip will actually happen considering that the Coach has cancelled the trip for the last six years. Hayden promises that it will indeed happen, but then he is forced to talk to the band teacher Riley Pringle, who is a member of the Conduct Committee and wants the party cancelled due the rowdiness of it during previous years. Since Hayden’s assistant coach Dauber is throwing the party, he holds hi responsible. Hayden offers to let the band come to the party this year, and Riley makes Hayden promise to chaperone the event from start to finish. Hayden tells him that he will with no intention of showing up, and moving forward with his fishing trip. On the night of the party, Luther shows up at Hayden’s house, still with no confidence that the trip will actually happen. When the phone rings, he assumes that it will be called off for good. It is Riley Pringle, who tells Hayden he is heading over to check on the party. A sullen Luther is told to wait at the house, where he makes friends with Hayden’s dog Sasha. Hayden arrives at the party before Riley, and tells everyone to pretend that no one is having fun so that Riley will go back home. Then Hayden sees that that Fred Webb has followed a tradition of taking apart a car and rebuilding it in Dauber’s living room, and furthermore the car belongs to Riley. The Coach orders them to take apart the car and sneak it out before Riley can see it. Hayden takes him on a tour of the house, during which Riley ‘accidentally’ is pushed into the tub of guacamole. He is furious and threatens to march over and tell the college president about the party. Hayden tells him that he has no sense of fun, to which Riley take issue. He laments that if were only given a chance, he could show the other how fun he can be. When he hears noise in the other room, Hayden tells him he will show him what’s going on in there if he promises to approach the room as a ‘fun guy’ and not a ‘geek guy’. They slowly reveal to him that they’ve disassembled a car, and then tell him that it is his car. To their surprise, Riley beaks out laughing… mostly because the car belongs to his wife. The Coach finally goes back home and finds Luther asleep with the dog on top of him. He wakes Luther up and tells him it is time to finally go fishing. Tony Edwards and Mark Clayman are players at the party. 9/15/22

SEASON 2

• 014. I Don’t Know Much About Art, But I Know What Makes Me Mad – 11/21/1989
  • Kelly and Stuart invite Hayden and Luther to attend Stuart’s one-man mime show in which he portrays the mime Chou-Chou, but they say they have a football game. Christine invites Hayden to go the Langston Art Gallery with her, and he reluctantly agrees to go for a few minutes. She says it will be more like an hour, so he asks if he can just drop her off and pick her up. She is annoyed by his unwillingness to do something so simple for her but accepts it. Luther then offers to go along with her to the gallery. Hayden can’t understand why, but he says he has no problem with it. Luther actually enjoys the show while he is eating crackers, and even buys Christine a reproduction of one of the payments to show his appreciation for taking him along. Hayden then shows up to pick up Christine, and can’t understand why Luther bought the painting either. Christine is visibly annoyed that Hayden has no consideration for her, so he says he’ll buy her a painting too, then proceeds to pick out a McClarey piece entitled Impressions of Jan on a Brittle Winter’s Day from the gallery owner (Marilyn Rockafellow). By this time, Christine is so annoyed with him that she decides to skip their dinner together and just drive back to Minneapolis. He then learns that the painting he bought cost $3180. Christine refuses to answer his phone calls. Hayden tries to remain calm and just wait for her to make up with him, but it drives him crazy. He gets even more annoyed when Stuart shows up in his mime costume. Hayden decides to drive to Christine’s house and try and make up with her. He doesn’t quite understand what he did wrong or how to make up for it, which makes Christine furious at him. She says she’s sick and tired of the fact that they have nothing in common. She gives him a clue that she only goes to his football games because it makes her happy that he is doing something that makes him happy. He finally gets it, and agrees to try harder to support her in things that bring her happiness. He even insists that she keep the McClarey painting, because he wants to make her happy. He also notes that he’s change his mind if it would make her happy for him to spend the money on a boat. Beth Grant is Martha, the wine server and drinker. 9/15/22
• 015. Dauber’s Got a Girl – 11/28/1989
  • The ground is freezing over, Luther tries to get Hayden to go ice skating on the lake with him, but Dauber falls through the ice before Hayden gets a chance. The cold weather also forces the football team to practice indoors in the gym, but this causes some bickering between Hayden and Judy Watkins (Pam Stone), the coach of the girls’ basketball team. Hayden is also dealing with Kelly, who has racked up over $700 in parking tickets on the campus. She wants Hayden to pay for them, but he insists that she gets a job on campus to pay them off. Dauber is also acting loopy, and the Coach gets him to admit that he is acting this way because he is in love. After their altercation with Judy, they realize that it is her who he is in love with. Later, the players realize they can’t practice in the gym because the girls have padlocked themselves inside. While Dauber was helping Judy apply the padlocks, he asks her out on a date, and she accepts. The Coach and Luther are disgusted when they hear this, but then decide to use it their advantage, by sneaking into her equipment room while she is out with Dauber and deflating all of the basketballs. Dauber takes her out to eat at the Touchdown Club and they get to know each other, as Dauber shares what he wants her to know before she decides if she likes him yet. She agrees that even though he is two years younger than her, that he is the lowest coach on the team while she is the highest on her her team, and that he’ll never move out of the country for more than two years. She’s okay with all of that, but when one of her players Ann (Tracey Needham) comes barges in and tells her that their basketballs have been deflated, she becomes furious at Dauber, believing that he set her up to be gone from the school. Dauber tries to assure her that he had no idea, but she throws milk in his face. Later. Dauber pleads with the Coach to set things right with Judy. Hayden doesn’t want to but realizes that he did indeed betray his trust by using the information Dauber gave him about going out on a date to perpetrate the crime. Hayden meets with Judy and somewhat makes peace with her and promises not to continue the war of practical jokes. He tells Dauber to go see her and finish their date, then finds the cow that Judy left for him in his office. J.J. aka John Marshall Jones is Stacey the fellow coach. William Long Jr. is Jim. 1/5/23
• 016. Bring Me the Head of Stuart Rosebrock – 12/5/1989
  • Dobber is promoted from a student coach to a full-fledged assistant coach. Luther receives the video The Search for Elvis in the mail and wants to use the Coach’s big screen TV to watch it, but he tells Luther that Christine is coming over that night. However, his plans are altered when Kelly brings Stuart to his office dressed as Thurio from Two Gentlemen of Verona, and Stuart offers to take out Hayden and Christine to celebrate his new job as a clown at a children’s birthday party. Kelly manages to talk her father into accepting the invitation by telling him how Stuart has tries so hard to win his approval. Hayden gives Luther permission to watch the video at his house. Christine and Hayden show up first at The Touchdown Club for dinner, and Christine runs afoul of the waitress Honey (Victoria Carroll) as she shamelessly flirts with Hayden in front of her. When Kelly and Stuart show up, Hayden tries to act interested about Stuart’s clown show at the birthday party, but when he asks him how much he made, Stuart tells him it was originally $25 but he ended up accepting only $10. Kelly hadn’t known this and takes issue with Stuart being taken advantage of, and they get into a hefty argument leading to Stuart stating that they might not belong together. Hayden is happy with the breakup, while Christine thinks Hayden need to back off interfering in Kelly’s life. He thinks that she’ll be upset for a couple of weeks and then return to her happy self. Instead, Kelly shows up at Hayden’s house to say goodbye, with plans to leave college and society in general. Hayden takes her suitcases from her car and forces her to talk to him. He convinces her that he can get Stuart to talk to her and leaves her at the house. He goes to Stuart’s place and wakes him and tells him that he needs to talk Kelly into staying at school. Before he agrees, Stuart tells the Coach that a lot of the reason they broke up is because of his disapproval. Hayden feels bad temporarily and then sees the Thurio pants and is convinced he did the right thing. Stuart and Kelly meet, and the Coach goes home to make ribs, thinking he was successful in getting Kelly to stay in school and also breaking them up at the same time. Christine again chastises him for not letting Kelly make her own decisions. Kelly and Stuart then show up and tells Hayden that she’s decided to stay in school… but then also tells him that she and Stuart are getting married in a week. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 1/6/23
• 017. If a Coach Falls in the Woods – 12/12/1989
  • Kelly and Stuart go to see Reverend Tollufson (John Ingle) to report that Kelly’s father has been following them around as they prepare for their wedding trying to put a stop to it. While they are there, the Coach barges in and demands to talk to them. He tells them that he can accept if they are really in love but begs them not to get married just to spite him, and also asks that they consider waiting a year, six months, or even one month. Kelly tells him that they really are in love and that if they waited, they would only be doing it for him. She tells him that they are getting married but really want to get his blessing. He finally relents and tells them that they have his blessing and that they could get married at his place the next day. After they leave, he pleads with the reverend not to show up, and the goes home and tries to convince Christine to talk Kelly out of the marriage. Neither will comply, so he puts his last hope that his ex-wife Beth will take his side and they can gang up on her to not go through with it. However, when Beth arrives, she tells him that she thinks the marriage is a mistake, but has vowed not to interfere and simply to offer the new couple her support. Stuart and Kelly then arrive, along with Stuarts parents Wilson (James Staley) and Peg (Charlotte Stewart). They bring Hayden a barber pole that hung at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York, as Wilson collects vintage barber supplies. Hayden tries to gauge how Wilson feels about the marriage, and the fact that Stuart’s brother also married very young. Stuart’s parents seem to be in full support of it and Wilson gives a heartfelt speech to the couple. Hayden attempts to give his own speech, but he cannot finish as he still believes it will be the worst mistake of their lives. He says he will be no part of the wedding and storms out of the cabin. Christine looks everywhere trying to find him, while Kelly in inconsolable and insists that she will get married with our without him. When Luther arrives, he says he knows where Hayden is probably hiding out in his secret spot. He won’t take Christine there, but he goes to Hayden’s hiding treehouse and climbs up the rope ladder. He manages to convince Hayden that he is risking losing Kelly if he won’t support her marriage, and then tells Hayden that he is going back as he wouldn’t miss Kelly’s wedding for the world. Hayden finally says he will join Luther, just as Luther tosses the rope out of the tree. They have no way to get down, but Hayden then has the idea to take off their clothes, tie them together, and climb down. Back at the cabin, the Reverend says they must begin if they’re getting married, but Kelly decides she can’t go through with with it unless her father is there. Hayden and Luther then are spotted coming back, and when Hayden gets inside, completely disheveled from the climb and hike, he tells Kelly that he couldn’t miss his daughter’s wedding, leading into a big hug between them. Beth Grant is Martha the caterer. 6/24/23
• 018. If Keith Jackson Calls, I’ll Be at My Therapist’s – 12/19/1989
  • The Screaming Eagles have been on a winning streak and are sitting at a 5-1 record. Newscaster Bob Clifton (Joe Fowler) and another reporter (H. Douglas Berring) start asking about an upcoming Penn State game and a possible bowl game, but Hayden insists they are looking at one game at a time and will be concentrating on the next week’s Idaho game. When Christine watches the interview on TV, she notices that Hayden is doing a twitch with his face, which Hayden says is a direct result of the stress he’s under. He has no idea why they are starting to win, whether it is his coaching, the players, or his lucky charm socks. Christine suggests that he see a psychiatrist, but Hayden laughs off the notion. The next week, they do indeed defeat Iowa, now making them 6-1.  He then finds out from Riley Pringle that they are going to be on national television on ABC’s College Game of the Week when they play Penn State. Riley is under stress and wants to come up with a Batman halftime show, while gets a call from noted interview Keith Jackson (himself) who wants to talk to him in the press box after the game. Hayden’s twitch becomes even worse, so he decides to look up the shrink, Joel Anderson (Michael Ayr) to see if he can get the twitch managed. He runs into another patient named Bob (Ralph Bruneau) in the waiting room, who has a compulsive urge to follow people that he sees on the street. When Hayden talks to Dr. Anderson, he makes it clear he wants to be cured by the weekend, but the doctor tells him that being cured is a process and it will take time to find the source of the problem. When the doctor suggests that Hayden is blowing the game and interview out of proportion, Hayden gets angry and storms out… followed by Bob. On the day of the game, Hayden asks Dauber to use his ability of hynotism like he does to help Stuart focus on studying, and put him under so that he won’t twitch during his interview. Dauber puts him under and tells him that he can kick in his own relaxtion when he says the word “snowblower” and get out of the hypnotic state by saying the world “motorcycle.” The Eagles end up losing the game 31-7, but both commentators Keith Jackson and Bob Griese (himself) have lots of nice things to say about the Eagles’ playing. Hayden is brought on camera and gives a good, smooth interview, up until Jackson announces that the show will now go to the Grand Prix Motorcycle Championship, at which point Hayden’s face begins to contort wildly. William Woff is the Screaming Eagle mascot. 6/24/23
• 019. I’m in the Mood for Luther – 12/26/1989
  • Dauber is renting a vacant room in his house, and Stuart and Kelly are among the long line of applicants. Luther tells them that one of the qualifications he looks for is that they can contribute something to the house, so they choose to be the ones who clean. It turns out that all of the other roommates like Kelly, but they don’t care for Stuart. The coach recommends that he move them in there, so that Stuart can be picked on mercilessly. Meanwhile, Christine gets the idea that her widowed neighbor Marion (K Callan) and Luther might make a good couple. Hayden is adamantly against it, as Luther has had his heart broken so many times and Hayden has had to pick up the pieces. She eventually talks Hayden into coming to dinner at her place, and Luther jumps at the chance to meet Marion. Though shy and awkward at first, they wind up hitting it off over the course of the evening. The next morning when Hayden steps outside to pick up the paper, he sees Luther coming out of Marion’s apartment. Hayden is still worried that they will get too close and it will ultimately fall apart. Christine assuages his concerns when she tells Hayden that they both had a great night, but it was simply a matter of two lonely people giving each other company. However, when Luther shows up to work on Monday, he has already purchased an engagement ring for Marion. Hayden is instantly furious that Christine got involved, and he makes her admit that she was as wrong as wrong can be and that she is as sorry as sorry can be. Christine gives Marion fair warning that Luther has fallen hard for her, so while Hayden has Christine in the hall apologizing, Marion and Luther talk privately. She makes sure to tell him that she had a great time, but she is worried that they are moving too fast since she’s only been widowed for a year. Luther gets the hint and thanks her for not letting him make a fool of himself. She also tells him that he would make a great catch for many women their age and promises to have a party and invite all of her friends so that he might meet someone who is perfect for him… even though it means giving up his fishing trip with Hayden. Christopher Shobe and Charles F. Fitzsimons are students looking to move into Dauber’s place. 10/20/23
• 020. A Man and a Woman (and Two Theater Majors) – 1/2/1990
  • Hayden and Christine are getting ready to celebrate their third anniversary of getting together with a romantic weekend together. She arrives at this cabin, and he has a fire in the fireplace and a new nightgown as a gift for her, as they reminisce about the night that they first met at a charity event Just as Christine is changing into her nightgown, Kelly arrives in the house in tears, telling her father that she and Stuart have split. Hayden tries to comfort her, but when he finds out that the reason is that Stuart says that the theater is dead, making her feel as if she doesn’t even know him anymore, he blows his stack that his weekend is being interrupted. Kelly stays over and keeps them up half of the night and stays locked in his bathroom for hours on end. Hayden can barely stay awake for his game the next day after being up all night, so he has two of his players, #9 and #46, bring Stuart to the school with his mouth taped shut. He insists that Stuart and Kelly work out their issues and be out of his house so he can continue his weekend with Chrstine. They win the game, and Kelly has left the cabin by the time he gets home, so Hayden thinks it is a good sign. However, he then realizes that Stuart is in the cabin, having gotten kicked out of their place by Kelly. This time Hayden sends #9 and #46 to retrieve Kelly and bring her over. He gives a nice speech to them, telling him how true love is Christine putting up with his antics, making him feel safe to be with her. He in turn then tries to make Christine feel safe, and this is what their love is about. This touches both Stuart and Kelly, and they begin to make up on Hayden’s couch. Christine drags Hayden outside so they can have their privacy, much to Hayden’s chagrin… until she tells him that they can make out in his truck, which ironically is where their relationship first began. Meanwhile, Dauber comes up with a play for Fred, who has proven that he can run with a ham through the cafeteria without anyone tackling him. Knowing his love for ham, they get a man (George Hirschmann) to bake on and keep it in the end zone to motivate Fred, which ultimately leads to their win. 10/20/23
• 021. The Investment – 1/9/1990
  • Hayden makes fun of Luther for investing his money in a towel that Elvis Presley once wiped his face with, especially when it seemingly gets mixed in with the team’s laundry. Meanwhile, Judy is furious with Hayden for colluding with Howard and choosing to buy a pinball machine for the boys’ team instead of carpeting the girls’ locker room, so they don’t slip on the wet floors. Luther comes to Hayden and tells him that Nick from the Touchdown Club is planning to expand the restaurant and is looking for investors. Hayden thinks it is a good idea, so they buy in to the business for $10,000. To celebrate the new partnership, they throw a party at the restaurant and invite many of their friends. One customer named Perry (Ralph Seymour) notes to Luther how lucrative the business seems and with the amount of money they are bringing into the cash register, the place seems like a goldmine. When the party ends, Luther decides to stay behind to bask in his happiness and promises to drop the money into the safe and lock up the doors. He then realizes that Perry was in the restroom, and when he comes out, he tells Luther that he is robbing the place. Since Luther doesn’t have the safe combination, he calls Hayden and tells him that he has lost his key to the restaurant and needs him to come back. Hayden reluctantly comes, and Perry pulls the gun on him as well. He also doesn’t have the safe combination, but says it is in his desk drawer at his office. Perry has him call Dauber to go get it and bring it to the restaurant. As Hayden and Luther argue about the situation, Perry gives them advice that their friendship is more important than petty bickering. When Dauber arrives, Perry has Luther tie up Hayden and then puts Luther and Dauber into the freezer. While he is doing that, Judy shows up, and Hayden signals for her to hide. When Perry comes back into the dining area, she jumps him and wrestles his gun away from him. He throws the money bags at her and flees. Dauber heads out to chase him down and tries to get Luther to follow, but Luther pauses to tell Coach how Perry was right about their friendship and that he doesn’t hold Hayden responsible for convincing him to invest in the restaurant. He heads out to help Dauber, leaving Judy to help Coach get untied… but she’s rather talk about the carpeted locker rooms first. M.D. Macdonaldcook is the customer who finds the food so-so. 2/23/24
• 022. I’ve Got a Secret – 2/26/1990
  • Hayden announces to Gunther, Douber, and his other assistant coaches (Sammy Shore, Scott Ludeke, Robert Black, Christopher Woods) that the Screaming Eagles will finally be getting a great quarterback when Missouri Tech player Beau Whitley transfers to Minnesota State. He swears them all to secrecy until the season is over as they will lose him if the news leaks out, but then turns around and calls Christine to tell them the good news. While the Coach has Luther and Dauber to celebrate with pizza and beer and plan out the team’s future, Christine is broadcasting the news in Minneapolis with her sports anchor Bob Clifton. He provokes Christine by criticizing her for dating Hayden and criticizes his poor coaching and recruitment skills. This goads her into telling him about Beau Whitley coming to the team. Once she says it, she immediately tries to backpedal but he announces it in his newscast immediately. Whitley becomes furious that the story has leaked, which makes Hayden then become furious that one of his coaches leaked the information. However, he quickly realizes that it wasn’t one of them, but Christine who was on TV sitting next to the man delivering the story the whole time. He immediately travels to Minneapolis to confront her at the newsroom, but although she is as apologetic as she can possibly get, he can’t bring himself to forgive her. She tries to surprise him by making dinner, while Kelly and Stuart return a stuffed fish that they borrowed for a project, which is now broken because someone sat on it. Hayden tells Christine that he forgives her, but it is very clear that he still doesn’t trust her any longer. Fed up with his unforgiving nature, she storms out and tells him to call her if he ever comes around. When she slams the door, the glued, mounted fish breaks in half. Back at the school, as Dauber is trying to decide if he wants to accelerate his learning and actually get out of college, Luther tells Hayden that the incident with Christine is as much his fault as it is hers. He says that if he didn’t want her to tell the secret, he never should have told her. He explains that she was one person that he thought he could trust, but now can’t open himself up to her the way he wanted to. Meanwhile, Beau is cooling off and it seems as if he will come to Minnesota State after all. Hayden decides to return to Minneapolis and tell Christine that he forgives her. He interrupts her by roaming into the scene while she is on the air, and then they speak during the break. She tells him that he put her through hell and now she’s not sure if she accepts his forgiveness and punches him in the stomach. He apologizes and tells her that he knows she’s forgiven him many mistakes. Once they’ve made up, he tells her that Beau may be coming back after all. Bob overhears the conversation, and immediately announces it on air again. Perry Anzilotti is the stage manager. Nick Toth is the voice of the director. 2/23/24

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