The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

Created by Nat Hiken. 

Theme music composed by John Strauss.

NOTE: The series was originally titled “You’ll Never Get Rich,” and was later referred to as “Sgt. Bilko” or “Bilko” in syndication. 

• 000. New Recruits aka Audition Pilot – UNAIRED 1955
  • At the Army base of Fort Baxter in Roseville, Kansas, Master Sergeant Ernest Bilko runs a very efficient operation of the motor pool of Company “B”, Third Platoon. In fact, he runs it so efficiently that he and his men, namely Corporal Rocco Barbella and Corporal Steve Henshaw (Jack Warden), have little to do other than engage in gambling and get-rich-quick schemes. The men try to milk their privates for every dollar they have. After Bilko is interrupted from his poker game to perform roll call, he tells his men that he lost his $250 bankroll to a trio of Master Sergeants. The men, knowing he’ll need a new bankroll, scatter. Bilko also gets a lecture form the Chaplain “Padre” Tom (Jimmy Little), who also shows him how the men likely cheated with a mirror behind him. Colonel John T. Hall is convinced by the chaplain that by assigning Bilko a new group of basic trainees, he won’t have the time to get involved with his schemes, and consequently, gambling on the base will go down. Most of Bilko’s platoon is transferred and the new recruits are moved in. One of the men, Private Higgins, the acting PFC of the squad, is looking to make the Army his career, so he balks at Bilko’s bending of the rules in order to get money out of this new crop of men. Bilko also has trouble getting money because the men have entrusted Higgins to hold their money for their next furlough. Bilko tries to think of ways to swindle the money, but when Higgins offers to have Bilko hold the money, and Bilko finds out that the Chaplain had told Higgins that Bilko was trustworthy, his conscience overtakes him and he then becomes protective of the money and refuses to use it for gambling. As much as Barbella and Henshaw try to convince him to use the money, and the fact that he deals himself four aces while mulling it over, he won’t budge. With the temptation so big, he finally returns the money to Higgins and tells him to watch it. Barbella and Henshaw stand guard of Higgins, while Bilko sleeps like a baby. NOTE: This is the pilot/audition film that is remade nearly word for word for the first episode. Most of the actors, although unknown and uncredited, are different with the notable exceptions of Phil Silvers and Harvey Lembeck. 2/28/21

• 001. New Recruits – 9/20/1955
  • At the Army base of Fort Baxter in Roseville, Kansas, Master Sergeant Ernest Bilko (Phil Silvers) runs a very efficient operation of the motor pool of Company “B”, Third Platoon. In fact, he runs it so efficiently that he and his men, namely Corporal Rocco Barbella (Harvey Lembeck), Corporal Steve Henshaw (Allan Melvin), and Corporal Sam Fender (Herbie Faye), have little to do other than engage in gambling and get-rich-quick schemes. The men try to milk their privates – including Pvt. Duane Doberman (Maurice Gosfield), Pvt. Stash Kadowski (Karl Lukas), Pvt. Dino Papparelli (Billy Sands), Pvt. P.J. Palmer (P. Jay Sidney), Pvt. Gomez (Bernard Fein), Pvt. Mullen (Jack Healy), Pvt. Gander (Tige Andrews), and Pvt. Tony (Paul Lipson), for every dollar they have. After Bilko is interrupted from his poker game to perform roll call, he tells his men that he lost his $250 bank roll to Master Sergeant Francis Grover (Jimmy Little), Master Mess Sergeant Stanley Sowici (Harry Clark), and Master Sergeant Andy Pendleton (Ned Glass). The men, knowing he’ll need a new bankroll, scatter. Bilko also gets a lecture form the Chaplain “Padre” Tom (John Gibson), who also shows him how the men likely cheated with a mirror behind him. Colonel John T. Hall (Paul Ford) is convinced by the chaplain that by assigning Bilko a new group of basic trainees, he won’t have the time to get involved with his schemes, and consequently, gambling on the base will go down. Most of Bilko’s platoon is transferred and the new recruits are moved in. One of the men, Private Higgins (Michael Dreyfuss), the acting PFC of the squad, is looking to make the Army his career, so he balks at Bilko’s bending of the rules in order to get money out of this new crop of men. Bilko also has trouble getting money because the men have entrusted Higgins to hold their money for their next furlough. Bilko tries to think of ways to swindle the money, but when Higgins offers to have Bilko hold the money, and Bilko finds out that the Chaplain had told Higgins that Bilko was trustworthy, his conscience overtakes him and he then becomes protective of the money and refuses to use it for gambling. As much as Barbella and Henshaw try to convince him to use the money, and the fact that he deals himself four aces while mulling it over, he won’t budge. With the temptation so big, he finally returns the money to Higgins and tells him to watch it. Barbella and Henshaw stand guard of Higgins, while Bilko sleeps like a baby. Jim Perry is Lt. Anderson. Bern Bennett is the show’s announcer 2/28/21
• 002. The Empty Store – 9/27/1955
  • Now that Bilko is empty-handed following the fleecing he got from his fellow Master Sergeants, they all taunt him at the pool hall and tell him that he’ll have to show a bankroll to get back into any of the poker games. They also show him wads of cash they made off of a sucker who played with them the night before. Without a way to get a bankroll, Barbella and Henshaw suggest he try to get the money that Higgins is holding, but he refuses to disturb their money. He then finds out from Higgins that he was the sucker that got lured into the poker game and lost all of the men’s money. Bilko then becomes angry and comes up with a money-making idea that he vows will have his fellow Master Sergeants begging for him to take their money by using psychology. He tells his men to go rent an empty store downtown. They have no idea why, but they go get the lease process going, which prompts the Mayor of Roseville, Mr. Crow, to pay a visit to Col. Hall to make sure he is okay with his many leasing the building. He signs off on it, but he is confounded as to why also. The world quickly spread around about the store, and Pendleton, Sowici, and Grover are curious as to what the angle is, but feel they are being frozen out of a lucrative deal. One by one, the men start buttering up to Bilko: Pendleton brings him a new suit, Sowici brings him food, and Grover has a phone installed in his barracks locker. Soon hundreds of soldiers start milling around near shop, so the Mayor starts renting out more shops to serve the men. Col. Hall is worried that he has approved something that will put him in the newspapers unfavorably. He goes to see Bilko and is shocked by how well he living the high life with his food, suit, and phone. Hall declares the empty shop off-limits to the soldiers, which the Mayor takes issue with, so he pleads with the Colonel to leave it open because the proceeds from the concessions are going into a Service Center for the soldiers. Bilko sells off all three shares of the empty store to the three Master Sergeants, which causes them to question why Bilko was no longer interested in having his own share. Now that Bilko has retrieved the $490 between his own money and the money Higgins lost, he gives Higgins his money and then starts to celebrate his new bankroll. However Barbella is one step ahead and has re-invested the money, figuring that if they made that much money with one empty shop, they’d make even more by renting out six empty shops. Bilko is beside himself, knowing he was beaten by his own game. William Pierson appears uncredited as one of Pendleton’s privates. Mickey Freeman is Private Fielding Zimmerman.  3/1/21
• 003. The WAC – 10/4/1955
  • Already in pain from all of the walking that he has to do, Bilko scoffs at the idea of volunteering for any special duty… until he sees the letters PTP in an posting asking for a master sergeant to check that the armory is locked every day. PTP stands for ‘personal transportation provided’, meaning he could get a jeep. He then goes to work to ensure that none of the other master sergeants know what PTP stands for. He visits Master Sergeants Sowici, Pendleton, and Grover, bringing them gifts – which rely on favors from other Master Sergeants, telling them that he’s turning over a new leaf, and that he’s volunteering for the armory job, giving each one different explanations of what PTP means. The ruse works, and Bilko thinks he’s a shoo-in, until he sees a memo noting that a new Master Sergeant named L. Hogan is also up for the job. Bilko decides to throw the new sergeant a party in order to butter him up and then con him out of applying for the job. He even gets him a date named Mildred (Jane Dulo) to seal the deal. However when Hogan arrives, it turns out she is the head of the WACs (Elisabeth Fraser). When Bilko is unable to convince her that he needs the jeep, he starts inundating her with requisitions and paperwork. Others warn her not to tangle with Bilko, but she is always one step ahead, and counters his requests with jobs for him to do as well. Finally he decides to try and win her over by asking her out to dance, planning a sob story about the loneliness of a sergeant. Once he starts his spiel, she continues it with her own sob story, which causes him to be the one feeling empathy. She offers to drive him back to barracks in her jeep. Billie Allen is WAC Billie. Barbara Barry is WAC Edna. Fay Morley and Midge Ware are WAC Corporals. 6/1/21
• 004. The Horse – 10/11/1955
  • Born and raised in Kentucky around horses, Private Carter (Robert Shawley) advises the platoon to bet on the horse Bell Boy, but it comes in dead last. Carter then notices that the horse has osselets in its leg which caused him not to run as fast as it is capable. Carter tries to tell the horse owner the good news, since the osselets can be healed. Bilko however decides to buy the horse for $100 and then have Carter turn it into a million dollar racehorse. He sneaks it into the gun shed and claims that the men are polishing the ceremonial cannon, and then has his men start cutting grass to feed the horse. When Carter tells him that the horse needs oats, he requisitions them, which leads Lt. Anderson to believe and report to Col. Hall that Bilko’s men are volunteering for a test of eating only oats which will be administered to four men by Sgt. Brombie of the medical corps. Once everything is arranged, Carter reports that they need to run Bell Boy, so they begins running him at night. After the first night, Bilko assigns Pvt. Sugarman (Terry Carter) to build headlights for the horse. Each night at 4am, Col. Hall wakes up hearing the horse gallop by, causing his wife Nell (Hope Sansberry) to think he is going crazy. After several nights of running, Pvt. Carter reports that Bell Boy has a bowed tendon and will never be able to run. With the dream over, Bilko starts working on getting the horse removed, so the men hide it in the guest house. Meanwhile, General Strait (John Alexander) shows up for an inspection and plans to stay in the same guest house. The men are unable to get Bell Boy out before he finds the horse, but luckily it brings back memories of the days he had in the cavalry, so he promised Col. Hall an easy inspection. Bilko wonders if he can sell the horse to the General. Walter Cartier makes his first appearance as Pvt. Claude Dillingham. Harry Jackson appears as a medical officer. 6/2/21
• 005. A.W.O.L. – 10/18/1955
  • Private Steve Nagy (Pat Hingle) has gone A.W.O.L. back home to Chicago, so he can join his Hungarian family in their celebration of Steve’s sister Magda’s (Lilia Scala) engagement to Imre Varga. Because Steve is needed in the motor pool so badly, Col. Hall allows Bilko to go pick him up, and tells him if he can get him back the next morning, his punishment can be served working in the motor pool. Bilko travels to Chicago as an M.P. to bring him back, but he quickly gets sucked into the Hungarian parties, when he meets Steve’s parents Zoltan (Ben Astar) and his wife, and Imre’s parents Janos (Hans Schumm) and Zsa Zsa… but especially the beautiful relative Vilma (Jean Mowry). They party into the night, regularly checking in with Col. Hall, but when Bilko gets pulled into a Hungarian card game, he unwittingly is able to wind some money from Janos. This leads Janos to believe that Bilko is a ringer, who is trying to win back Magda’s dowry money. The Varga’s are insulted and storm out. As Bilko is about to leave, he starts to feel guilty for the trouble he caused, and tells Magda to be at the Municipal building the next day. Bilko then goes to see the Varga family where they work as meat cutters, and convinces Imre that he can’t live without Magda, and tells him to go to federal building, encouraging them to get married and then meet back at the Nagy house. Magda comes in crying because Imre never showed up, but he then arrives at the house, now an enlisted man… since Bilko told him to go the wrong place. Bilko tells them he can help get him out of the service, but they need to get married that day. Sgt. Sowici then shows up to arrest Bilko and bring him back to the base, but he too is lured into joining the Nagy family for a celebratory dance. 9/29/21
• 006. The Boxer – 10/25/1955
  • The Company B Boxing Tournament is coming up on Saturday night, and each of the Sergeants are working on training their men: Sowici is working with a new transfer Corporal Basil Egan (Johnny Seven), Pendleton is training Private Miller, and Bilko is training on the mediocre Paparelli. However, when Private Claude Dillingham shows Paparelli some tips, Bilko sees that he is clearly a superior fighter, despite everyone in the company thinking Dillingham is wimpy because he is obsessed with flowers and his garden. With his new secret weapon, Bilko starts taking bets on his man, but is then told by Dillingham that his fiance Felicia (Hollis Irving) doesn’t allow him to fight. Bilko thinks that if another soldier makes the moves on his wife, Dillingham will change his tune about fighting. He offers to take Claude and Felicia out to a saloon and then instigates a fight between Claude and two Navy men. Claude doesn’t seem to be able to be rattled, and instead of Claude knocking out the Navy man, Felicia knocks out Paparelli, until a police officer (Barney Martin) breaks it up, and warns Claude he doesn’t want any further trouble. Bilko finds out that Claude had been warned by the same officer when he punched a man before, for saying bad things about Chrysanthemums. Bilko visits Egan, and pretends that he mistook his lettuce for Chrysanthemums, and warns him about Chrysanthemum Fever, getting Egan to hate Chrysanthemums. He is successful in whipping up animosity between Claude and Egan, but the Chaplain diffuses the situation, and Claude once again refuses to fight. Bilko has no choice but to put Paparelli back in the fight, but as Bilko is giving Paparelli a pep talk, and giving him a few slaps the face, it causes Paparelli to collapse before the fight even begins. Frank Marth is the Lieutenant. Dody Goodman is the waitress. Terry Carter is Grover’s boxer. 9/29/21
• 007. The Hoodlum – 11/1/1955
  • Bilko has his company working overtime in hopes that he might win a contest for the Soldier of the Month, which will get him a three-day pass so he can go see a nightclub girl in Tulsa. The guys nearly rebel against him, but he is able to convince them that the award will be for everyone, and that they will all be with him in spirit. Meanwhile, the Chaplain tries to convince Colonel Hall to give a young recruit named Private Chick Parker (Paul Porter Jr.) another chance, even though he seems incorrigible and is begging that they dishonorably discharge him and release him to civilian life. Colonel Hall assigns him to Bilko’s unit. Bilko is worried about his men fighting with Parker and concerned he’ll use his chance to win the contest, so he tries to give him the benefit of the doubt, but Parker is impossible to control. Bilko works with Henshaw and Barbella, and they decide to use a scheme that worked on another old troublesome recruit named Dawson. He tells Parker that he is impressed with him and wants him to come in a caper with them. They take him privately into a separate room and tell them that their plan is to rob the gold from Fort Knox. Parker is shocked, and realizes he might be in over his head. Bilko explains how he’ll drive a tank as his part and then blow up the tank to open up one of the Fort’s walls, which he’ll have to get clear of in four seconds. Parker reluctantly agrees to participate. He gives him instructions to meet a limousine and get the plans for the location of the tanks while on guard duty. Then he assigns Parker to unload some canned goods in the company kitchen by telling him that one of them contains a percussion cap they’ll need for their plans. Scared of an explosion, he insists on doing it by himself. Hall is shocked when he realizes Parker is doing so much work willingly, and gives all of the credit to Bilko, who claims he’s getting the results by employing kindness. Bilko the assigns Parker to visit the Quartermaster depot and look for a recruit who will pass on a note to tell them when to start the operation. When the last recruit (Jack Mullaney) finishes getting his uniform, Bilko passes on the note to the recruit to give to Parker, which says the operation will take place that night. When Parker returns to the barracks, the guys, impressed with all of the work he’s done for them, invite him to play cards with them. Bilko pulls Parker aside and tells him that he now will only have two seconds to get away from his exploding tank. Parker breaks down and begs Bilko and the guys to let him out of the operation, telling him he is happy to be a good soldier with friends who like him. Col. Hall comes to the barracks to award the Soldier of the Months award… to Private Parker. Maurice Brenner is Private Irving Fleishman. 3/28/22
• 008. Mardis Gras – 11/8/1955
  • The platoon prepares for the Madis Gras ball with a parade float, and by randomly choosing a king of the Mardi Gras who turns out to be Duane Doberman. He is too embarrassed to pick his own queen, so they decide to pick one for him. Since Doberman has been keeping a scrapbook of clippings about society girl Joy Landers (Constance Ford), they decide to ask her if she will do the honors. A group of the men go to see her at her father’s (Russell Hicks) house where she has gone after returning from Paris. She declines and laughs at them for even suggesting her. The men go back to Bilko with their feelings hurt and tell him what happen, so he decides to get even with her. He rushes over to see Joy and begs her to turn them down, telling her that Doberman was made king of the Mardi Gras without his knowledge, when he had merely joined the service just for a break away from all of the adventure, partying, and women in his life. She informs Bilko that she had already turned him down. Bilko acts shocked to know that her kindness allowed her to turn down such a famous and busy individual who hobnobs with royalty turned him down for his own good. Her father apologize to Bilko for his daughter’s behavior and tells Bilko that she has been spoiled all of her life. Bilko informs him that now she is not going to get something she can never have. Bilko then plants a fortune cookie at the Chinese restaurant where Joy and her friends are dining that contains a message about Doberman. Joy and her friends move on to the Club Caribbean, where they find the calypso singers – really all men from the platoon – belting out a song about Doberman. They also let her overhear them talking about the fact that Doberman is at the Paradise Ball and Grill. Joy naturally insist that her friends take her there. When Joy arrives, she immediately starts trying to figure out which man Doberman is, while Bilko has bribed Mildred to pose as a Countess and pretend to claim Doberman as her own. Joy tells Bilko that she now wants to be the queen of the Mardi Gras, and tells Bilko that she absolutely must meet him. Bilko then brings Doberman in, and despite his looks, Joy still insists that she wants to be with him. At this point, Doberman tells her to ‘get lost’ and admits that he’s a nobody and that Joy has begged for him anyway. Joy is utterly embarrassed and runs out of the club. When the story makes it into the newspapers, Bilko then tells the men that they might have gone too far. Nevertheless, it helps Joy see how ugly she’s been to have laughed at so many all of her life, and now knows what it feels like. To make retribution, she volunteers to help the men dress up their parade float and be queen with Doberman. 3/30/22
• 009. The Eating Contest – 11/15/1955
  • After Company B loses not only a football 68-0 against Company A, but also the money that they wagered on themselves, Sgt. Bilko and desperate to find something they can win. On cue, they receive a transfer to the motor pool named Ed Honnegan (Fred Gwynne), who some of the men recognize as “The Stomach,” the greatest eater in the Army and winner of numerous eating contests oversees. Bilko remembers that Company A has a man named Hog Henderson (Bern Hoffman), who they believe is the greatest eater of all-time. In fact, his Master Sergeant Allan (Murray Hamilton) brags that he once came in third to the “Stomach”. So without disclosing that it will be the Stomach he is eating against, they wager $235 that their man can beat Henderson in an eating contest. The bet is made, welded into a lockbox, and given to the chaplain to hold. Thinking they have a sure thing, they decide to see the Stomach in action, so they serve him a huge steak and a full chicken as a welcome dinner. Honnegan is excited to see the food, but only takes one bite before he is full. Bilko talks to him to find out what is going on, and learns that ten years ago, Honnegan’s girlfriend Hazel left him, plunging him into a miserable depression that made him hungry all of the time. It was this misery that fueled his eating, but his doctor finally got him snapped out of it, and now he only eats in moderation. Bilko then hatches a plan to make him miserable again, which they achieve by playing old records that were out around the time of his breakup. Once they hit on I Walk Alone, he remembers Hazel and gets miserable and hungry again. The boys in Company B play the song non-stop to keep him sad, up to the point that Henshaw feels so bad, he sends him to the chaplain, who manages to cheer him up. The chaplain also inquires about the box he is holding, and Bilko tells him it will be their fund if anyone in the platoon every encounters a need for it. Bilko then has another talk with Honnegan to remind him about his love for Hazel, and he is once again ready to eat again. They hold the contest at the Smith Hotel, where they order oysters, soup, chicken, salad, steaks, and pies with cheese. They go through nearly all of the food, but Hog can’t finish his last piece of pie. Honnegan is set for victory if he eats the last piece of cheese, but just then the Padre brings in Hazel. Honnegan is so happy, he nearly fogets to eat the cheese, but Bilko finally gets him to swallow it. The Padre pulls out the money box, and reminds Bilko that the money is supposed to go for a man in need, and that men seems like it should be Honnegan, who will be getting married. Bilko agrees and gives them the money. When the waiter presents the bill for the food, Bilko had no money to pay so he sends him men to work in the kitchen. When he sees how happy Honnegan and Hazel (Janet Waldo)  are, he pulls up his sleeves and joins them. 7/27/22
• 010. The Centennial – 11/15/1955
  • A new Special Services Officer Lieutenant Barry Parker (Al Checco) is assigned to Fort Baxter and he is intent on breaking up the card games and gambling and instead offering classes in the arts, painting, dancing, and drama. Sgt. Bilko immediately making bets about how long it will take him to get him reassigned. Parker holds his first art class, and although Bilko predicts there will be no one showing up for the class, it backfires when they get a look at the model Ms. Doozer (Temple Texas) who they will be painting. Although they are hopeful when they see her behind a curtain changing clothes, she winds up coming out in a ski outfit. After a week of painting, the guys are all tired of it, so Bilko plans to whip out his old plans for the Centennial, a show they had used in the past to get rid of Special Service officers. He claims that he was told to throw away the history book of Fort Baxter, but that he had saved it. When Colonel Hall gets wind that Bilko has talked Parker into putting on a Centennial pageant, he initially orders Bilko to halt the production, but then when he realizes that Parker’s classes on square dancing and other art classes are interfering with his own card plans, he tells Bilko to proceed. They entitle the production Fort Baxter Centennial: One Hundred Years of Valor. Parker watches Bilko and his men do a dress rehearsal of the first act in which Bilko portrays General Bill Baxter, who defended Fort Baxter against the Indians. He inspires his men to capture the Indian Chief Tall Feather… only to force them to buy whiskey from him instead of their other source. Parker stops the show and says they can’t perform that for dignitaries. Since Baxter was dishonorably discharged and sentenced to thirty years, they agree to cut out that portion of the story and begin at the Civil War, changing the tile of the play to Seventy Five Years of Valor. The dress rehearsal then shows Bilko as Col. Honest John Otis, who is court martialing  his good friend Major Barton, and condemning him to death. Miss Doozer portrays Barton’s wife, who pleads with Otis that her husband is innocent. Once they take Barton away to his death, Otis and Mrs. Barton embrace and celebrate their freedom to have their affair. They also reveal they are selling arms to General Robert E. Lee. Otis was later captured and hung. The play now changes to Fifty Years of Valor, featuring Bilko as Major Iron Mike Grundy in the Spanish-American War. He is investigating the leaks of their plans, which he knows are being divulged by their officers who fall under the spell of Mata Lopez, Spain’s top female spy. He tries to lure Mata Lopez to him by being the sole conduit for every plan to come through him. He unmasks Mata Lopez as being a Red Cross worker in disguise… then falls for her immediately and beings handing over the plans one by one. Parker immediately cancels the pageant, and soon the men are back to playing poker in the pool hall. There they encounter the new Special Services Officer Lieutenant Kissel (Jason Evers), who is arranging a new series of classes. Bilko immediately tells him about the Centennial, laying out plans to the excited Kissel. Bilko predicts to his men that he’ll be gone in two days. 7/27/22
• 011. Bivouac – 11/22/1955
  • Fort Baxter’s annual bivouac maneuvers are coming up, and over the past eight years Bilco has managed to be excused from the exercise by Major Donald as he always comes up with some mysterious illness to come down with. This year Col. Hall brings in the unflappable Captain “Iron Curtain” Curtis (Arthur Storch) to see through Bilko’s nonsense. Meanwhile, Bilko is making his plans to play sick by reading up on Symptoms of Rare Tropical Diseases. He also makes the rounds and visits fellow Master Sergeants Sowici, Pendleton, and Grover, all of whom claim they are skipping playing hooky this year. As he gives them their fake ailment, he has them all try the piece of blueberry pie he is eating. He decides that he will have Wilkinson’s Disease, a rare ailment that causes your right hand to tremble, chest pains, and spot in front of your eyes. Bilko then visits Captain Curtis and acts as if he is raring to go on the bivouac, but then starts to exhibit the symptoms of Wilkinsons. It is then Captain Curtis who suggest that he will need to be quarantined and asks with whom he has been in contact. Bilko then mentions that he shared pie with the three other Master Sergeants. Curtis orders MPs to retrieve them all and put them all into isolation. Bilko begins his celebration of their ‘vacation’, just as Curtis figures out that Bilko has made a fool of him. He sends his strict head nurse Lt. Hilda Swenson (Philippa Bevans) to put a stop to the mambo dance they have going on. Bilko is able to charm Swenson by telling her how much she resembles Garbo and belongs in drama. However, he is unable to charm Col. Hall, who demotes Bilko to a private and tells him that he is to report for the bivouac maneuvers right away. Curtis prefers to dish out his own punishment, by telling Bilko that in examining his x-rays, he discovered that Bilko does indeed have a rare disease Tactibulba Fatalis, which can only be found in the Gubichi settlement of New Guinea… and is quite deadly. Curtis and Nurse Swenson deliver the news to him and establish that Bilko had indeed been stationed exactly where the disease was known to affect. Bilko is fooled and think he is dying, and he confesses to Col. Hall that he has been having him inspect the barracks next door to his. Hall feels terrible himself, and restores Bilko’s stripes to him, and then confesses that he really wasn’t the top man in his class at West Point, where they actually called him ‘melon head.’ Hall promises to give Bilko a month’s leave, while Bilko promises to participate in bivouac for a month. Nurse Swenson feels bad and tells Bilko the truth, while Captain Curtis tells Hall the truth. When they meet again, Bilko implies that if Hall punishes him, he will tell everyone about ‘melon head’. It doesn’t deter Hall from sending him out to do his time on bivouac. 11/22/22
• 012. The Singing Contest – 12/6/1955
  • It fourteen degrees below zero at Fort Baxter, and the men are furiously trying to keep their heater full of coal to stay warm. New recruit Pvt. Claude Brubaker (Bob Dixon) is taking a lot of their ire as Bilko has been put in charge of quarters. He had been spending time in the furnace flues trying to track down the issue and has found that that their grate is missing. Brubaker has put in a requisition for a new grate, a notion that Bilko and the men find laughable. Bilko sends him to steal the grate from another platoon’s furnace. Meanwhile, the men find out from a Special Service bulletin that there is a national soldiers singing contest where the finals will be held at Camp Phillips in Miami, Florida. Bilko decides to enter the men, so they begin practicing the song Jeanie with the Light Brown Hair. Doberman is appointed the soloist, but he is so terrible that Bilko tries to find a way for the other harmonizers to drown out his voice. Bilko is called to Col. Hall’s office to answer for gambling on the contest, but Bilko isn’t the perpetrator, but rather a Corporal Zinzer. Hall apologizes, but Bilko is more interested in placing a bet against his own platoon, so he throws in their entire $300. In the meantime, the men figure out that Pvt. Brubaker has an outstanding voice, and Doberman volunteers to give him his role in the glee club. Bilko realizes this could cause them to win the contest but lose the money. He tries to convince the men that Doberman is a better singer, but when they accuse him of wanting to lose, he backs off. Bilko then recommends Brubaker to be shipped out to Officers Training School, but when Col. Hall meets him, he finds out he can barely read. The grate that Brubaker ordered comes in and is waiting at the train station, so Brubaker offers to take Bilko’s car and go pick it up. Bilko then calls the police and reports his car stolen. The contest auditions are held, Brubaker naturally doesn’t show up since he is in jail. The men all lament the fact that they had invited their loved ones to meet them in Miami, and now that will not happen. Bilko then feels bad about what he did and heads out to get Brubaker from jail. They arrive at the last minute, and the platoon wins the contest. Bilko stays behind with Henshaw and Barbella to complete a special detail. Henshaw suggests that they could drive down to Miami since the detail is complete, but Bilko admits that he sold his car to earn spending money for the platoon since he lost their money in a bet. He tells the men that it’s time they stop daydreaming and get back to work. Then Bilko gets word about a boxing tournament is having its final in Las Vegas. Bilko immediately starts trying to convince Henshaw that he is a natural boxer. 11/23/22
• 013. The Twitch – 12/13/1955
  • Colonel Hall complains about all of the gambling going on at Fort Baxter, but the visiting Captain Ted Whitney (John Stephen) tries to assure him that it is a universal problem across all outfits. He seems to think that other activities can be substituted that will prevent the gambling from going on. After Colonel Hall issues a punishment to Barbella after he was caught playing craps, he arranges a meeting to be attended by Bilko to come up with ways to curtail the gambling. At the meeting, Bilko does an admirable job of changing the subject by complimenting and flirting with Hall’s wife Nell and Whitney’s wife Gloria (Charlotte Rae). Captain Whitney throws out plenty of ideas, but Hall counters by telling them that they’ve tries that and that Bilko has always turned it around to revolve around gambling. Whitney suggests that his wife has given some riveting speeches on classical composers and thinks this is the route to go. Bilko tries to get out of it by saying he will be on furlough during this time, but Hall revokes the furlough unless Bilko can manage to fill the house to see Mrs. Whitney’s speech. He goes to great lengths to try and sell her, as well as classical music, to the men, but they aren’t having it. However, when one of the guys mentions that he has seen Mrs. Whitney’s speech before and notes that she has a horrible body twitch that happens throughout the speech, even more so when it is hot, the men start gambling on how many time she will twitch. Bilko tells them that they will have to rely on his word…unless they come to see her presentation. Suddenly, Mrs. Whitney’s talk becomes the hottest ticket in town. As the men watch each and every twitch, counting them out loud as they happen, Colonel Hall catches the men keeping track of the twitches outside the room. He chastises Bilko for gambling on something so ridiculous, but Bilko maintains that they were really interested and, in fact, have booked Lieutenant Wigman to talk about Picasso. Hall understands why when he sees how often Wigman tugs on his own ear. 5/3/23
• 014. The Reunion – 12/20/1955
  • Bilko has been granted ten day of furlough, so his platoon goes on the defense, assuming that Bilko will be trying to get money out of them to spend. Sure enough, he starts to butter them up after yelling at them for their poor performance taking care of the motor pool. He also offers raffle tickets for the ‘snack in the sack’ breakfast-in-bed grand prize. All of the men claim to be broke and don’t give him anything. Bilko then gets a letter informing him of the upcoming ten-year reunion of his the former squad he led, all of whom were once in a deadly jam in World War 2 and swore that they’d all meet at the Waldorf-Astoria if they go out of the war alive. Bilko thinks that as a Master Sergeant, he thinks that he will be far above all of the goof-offs from the squad and thinks he should be prepared to pay for their fancy meals… if only he had the money. Barbella and Henshaw tell the members of their outfit about his predicament, so they all pitch in and buy his ‘snack in the sack’ raffle. Biklo gets to the Waldorf early and works with the bellhops to get the room all ready for the squad’s arrival. Meathead Pappy Morgan (Horace McMahon) is the first to show up, followed by the others. After they compliment Bilko on the fancy digs, they start to talk about their current jobs. Bilko is surprised to find that most of them all have great jobs and are probably all wealthier than him. Bilko pretends that he too is ultra successful and even rents a tuxedo for dinner. After the guys call to check on him and speculates how the guys all flipped over finding out that he is a Master Sergeant, he starts to feel ashamed at pretending to be something he’s not, so he changes out of his tuxedo and back into his uniform. It makes no difference to the guys, who all credit Bilko for teaching them how to become successful. The guys play army in their room, and wind up in a merry state of drunkenness. While in his cup, Morgan offers Bilko a job working for him. The next day, he tells Bilko he is serious and has Bilko calling and solving problems with truck drivers all over the country. After spending hours in his element solving problems, he suddenly realizes he needs to get back to his position with the army. He returns amidst the chaos of his men… and couldn’t be happier. 5/5/23
• 015. The Rich Kid – 12/27/1955
  • Everyone in the platoon is annoyed with Cpl. Fender for having his seventh child and thus wiping out their platoon welfare fund with the standard $100 contribution that new father’s get. This leaves them with only fifteen cents toward the $500 they’ve been trying to save to buy the saloon in town. When Fender’s replacement Tommy Vandermere (Mark Rydell) shows up without any experience with cars, Bilko makes fun of him and sends him to clean latrines. While he is hiding in his bed, he overhears a reporter named Mr. Watson shows up and identifies Tommy as a two hundred-million-dollar heir to the Vandermere fortune. He tells the reporter that he just wants to survive on his own in the world and begs him not to print the story. The reporter agrees, but Bilko had eyes on getting the mortgage money out of him. He starts giving Tommy special treatment right away, and the men in the platoon start spending money on him left and right. Bilko tries to take up a collection to supplement the fifteen cents, but after it is taken, he finds that the fifteen cents have been stolen. Instead of making his contribution, Tommy asks for a transfer since he knows nothing about cars. Bilko tells the men to make Tommy believe he is genius in automotives, so they have him turn a screw on an engine, which immediately makes the car start. They even give Tommy his own screwdriver, even though Tommy thinks it is a wrench, which he uses to tighten everything he sees. They take him out to the saloon that they want to buy and introduce him to the local floozie Mildred, who has no interest in Tommy until Bilko show her the newspaper article about the missing rich boy. Tommy decides to return the favor to Bilko… and advises him not to buy the saloon. Then he surprises Bilko by giving him a blank check to use toward whatever he needs. Bilko gets ready to pay the mortgage payment to the bar owner. Then he decides to pay the full mortgage, then decides to buy the entire building, and then decides to just write the check for all of the money that Tommy made in the stock market while he was with them. Finally, guilt gets the better of him and he can’t write a check that large. He decides to only charge Tommy the amount that all of the men spent on him, which amounts to $65.68. They go back to the barracks and wake up Tommy and tell him that they only want this amount. Tommy says he has no cash, and just remembered that the doesn’t get the inheritance for another ten years. Bilko tells him that he will be treated like everyone else and can slowly pay off the debt. Tommy is thrilled that he will finally be treated like everyone else. 9/11/23
• 016. Hollywood – 1/3/1966
  • Hollywood producer Chic Benson (Ralph Stantley) is working on a new war picture called Guns, Guts, and Gals, a tribute to the men in the battle of Kabuchi Island. Benson calls General Merritt (Malcolm Lee Beggs) at the Pentagon to ask for help getting a technical advisor of someone in the Army who was actually at the battle. Although Merritt thinks that the film is an insult to the military, he agrees to send them Sgt. Bilko, knowing full well that they’ll just take some pictures of him and call him a technical advisor, but send him back home without ever taking him to the studio. Merritt calls Col. Hall, who is busy discussing how cars from the motor pool have been spotted at the drive-in movies and ask him to send Bilko to Hollywood. Bilko is thrilled with the news and catches a flight to Hollywood to work with C.D. Chadwick (Howard Smith) Productions. As Chadwick is have a discussion with is writers and directors about the new pictures – now called Love in a Foxhole – he finds out that Bilko is still in town after having met with the press the night before. Bilko barrels into the meeting and greets everyone in the room, including composer Jule Styne (himself) and quickly irritates Chadwick who storms out and orders Bilko thrown out. Instead, Bilko tries to tell everyone that the battle took place in a different spot the writer Samson (Robert Dryden) has researched, while Samson claims that Bilko was the only American soldier to hold a Japanese soldier for ransom. When Chadwick comes back into the room, he insists that Bilko is thrown out. Bilko then says he’ll make some statements to the press, who might be interested that Chadwick threw a soldier who fought in the battle off of the lot. With the threat of bad publicity, Chadwick lets Bilko onto the set. Benson decides that Bilko probably wants to just hear his name in the film, so they decide to add in a small part for a character named Bilko. However, Bilko is insulted when he sees the meek bald actor with glasses that they get. Bilko winds up taking over production, auditioning different actors to play Bilko, and directing the film. He winds up putting the lead actor Rory Mundane (Eric Fleming) in the role as Bilko. He winds up gambling with the Japanese actors, throwing Chadwick out of his director’s chair, and criticizing the acting. Finally, Chadwick simply calls off the picture and sends a scathing letter to Col. Hall and General Merritt. As Hall is berating Bilko, Merritt calls and tells Hall to give Bilko thirty days furlough, for doing the job of getting the picture cancelled that he was unable to do. 9/11/23
• 017. The Investigation – 1/10/1956
  • A federal special committee is appointed to investigate rumors of military waste, which could mean pay cuts for servicemen. Washington news host Fenton Dudley introduces a citizens committee on TV, comprised of former Congressman Pettiguild (Ralph Dunn), Mrs. Alice Colby (Nina Oliverette), president of the Women for the Economy in Government League, and Clyde Fortright (Howard Freeman), president of the Taxpayers to Cut Waste in Government, all of whom will be conducting tours of the military bases to see where they might be over-budgeted. As both Bilko and Col. Hall follow the story, it becomes more and more apparent that Fort Baxter will make an ideal candidate for their visit and inspection. Col. Hall is nervous about hosting the investigating committee, but Bilko thinks he can pull the wool over their eyes and wind up getting raises instead of cuts. Bilko convinces Hall that the investigators may not believe that Hall is showing them everything, so he volunteers to show them around. When they arrive, Bilko immediately goes to work on flattering them after feigning surprise at their visit. Bilko then tells them that Col. Hall is taking on odd jobs since he makes so little money, which seems to be the case when Hall stops by while doing some gardening and is covered if filth. The men then return to the barracks after a supposed inspection, not only dressed in rags, but also going barefoot. Pvt. Paparelli feigns exhaustion and fainting due to overwork. Bilko tells the inspectors that food will soon becoming from Poland for the men. Bilko then takes them to the mess hall where he tells them they will be enjoying a hot dog meal, but it turns out to be just one hot dog that they have to split among the men. Mr. Fortright, the most skeptical of the lot, finally tells them that he is taking this information back to Washington and will demand that they each get $10 raises. Before the investigators leave, they stop the Hall’s quarters where he intends to feed them a giant turkey dinner. They show up bringing groceries for him, and then find out that Hall has plenty of food and money. They return to the barracks where Bilko is celebrating with his men and a big turkey dinner of his own. Bilko tries to tell the inspectors that they are eating a carrier pigeon. Col. Hall promises that he will take the investigators on a real tour of the base and show them everything. Pettiguild requests that he’s like to stay in the barracks, and Fortright agrees to join him. The men are angry with Bilko because they won’t be getting their $10 raise, so Bilko decides to earn the full $160 to give them each ten dollars, by playing Fortright and Pettiguild poker… with a $180 limit. 1/12/24
• 018. Kids in the Trailer – 1/17/1956
  • Bilko stops by the motor pool to visit with the men and tell them that the All-Platoon Lucky Serial Number contest has been decided, with the winner to get a three-day pass and a trip to Crystal Lake, and it turns out that Pvt. Doberman is the big winner. Meanwhile, Pvt. Mike O’Brien (Dickie Belton) tells Bilko that his wife just called and told him that she has driven her parents’ trailer across country with their three kids to see him. Bilko offers to take him over to the trailer park so that he can see her. Bilko is introduced to his wife Peg and children Betty and Mike Jr, who is somewhat of a military expert, who questions Bilko about his use of the revised method on the close-order drill. The couple also has a newborn baby. When Bilko witnesses how sad Peg is that Mike won’t have much time to spend with her, Bilko tells Peg that Mike has won the three-day pass and trip to Crystal Lake. He also says he will arrange for a WAC to take care of the kids while they are gone. He then returns to the base and guilt-trips Doberman into giving up his pass so that Mike can spend time with his wife. Bilko brings a WAC to take care of the kids, but soon she is called back to base for duty, leaving Bilko to watch over the kids. Bilko is forced to change the baby’s diaper but has no idea what he is doing. He calls back to base to talk to Sgt. King, who has six kids, to see if he can get some help, but he finds out from Sgt. Grover that he has been transferred to Oklahoma. The bases create a chain of calls until they finally find him stationed in Berlin. King gets on the line and refers Bilko to his wife, who walks him through the diaper change. Bilko then decides to send for his men to drive him and the kids back to Fort Baxter. Doberman is put in charge of playing with the kids. Mike Jr. is very disappointed with the troops since his father told him that he was in the best platoon in the army. The platoon decides to clean up their act due to the kid’s disappointment. Bilko has Sowici make some formula for the baby in the mess hall, but since he can’t determine the proper amount of ingredients on such a small scale, he decides to make formula for the entire platoon rather than stew. Bilko is shocked when he finds out how much everyone has cleaned up themselves and the barracks, and Mike Jr. is equally pleased. However, when Mike Jr. suspects that his father is AWOL, he goes to see Colonel Hall and tells him about his father. Hall comes to see the platoon and is also shocked to find it in such a clean state. He brings in his wife Nell to look after the children, and he issues Doberman another three-day pass. Bilko feigns exhaustion and confusion after everything he’s been through watching the kids, once again guilt-tripping Doberman into handing over his three-day pass again. 1/13/24

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