The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – ABC

Created by Tracy Newman and Jonathan Stark

Opening theme written by Glen Clark & Jim Belushi. Performed by Jim Belushi and the Sacred Hearts. 

• 001. Pilot-10/3/2001
  • Jim (Jim Belushi) is a Chicago contractor who works at Ground Up Construction with his best friend and brother-in-law architect Andy (Larry Joe Campbell) who lives across the street from him. Jim’s is married to Andy’s sister Cheryl (Courtney Thorne-Smith). They have three children: Ruby (Taylor Atelian), Gracie (Billi Bruno), and the baby Kyle. Ruby is starting kindergarten and cries every time she is dropped off, causing Cheryl to stay in the parking lot for most of her day. Jim thinks he can be more resolute in walking away, but when he attempts it, he has to be escorted out of the school when the teacher Mrs. Carter (Mary Kathleen Gordon). Unaware of this, Cheryl brags to Andy and their sister Dana (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) that he has been able to accomplish this, and Andy accidentally lets it slip that Jim hasn’t been showing up to work until after 3pm. Cheryl realizes that Jim is now waiting in the parking lot all day as well. Meanwhile Andy’s girlfriend Carrie (Katie O’Rourke) has left him over a fight about whether he broke her hairdryer of if it died of wear-and-tear. Jim and Cheryl have them over for dinner and try to reconcile them. It initially works when Andy brings her a new hairdryer, but they eventually fight again on whether he broke it or not. Jim tells them that the key to a good relationship is good communication, so Cheryl lets loose on him since he hasn’t told her that he is waiting in the parking lot. Ruby then lets it slip that Jim has put her in a new school. This makes her legitimately furious. Jim then has to tell Ruby he won’t be staying at school because she is getting to the age where she needs to do things she doesn’t want to. Then he has to apologize to Cheryl, who ultimately forgives him. However they do continue to argue on whether Jim once slammed a car door in her face or not, and age-old argument they’ve been having. 4/18/20

• 002. No Nookie – 10/10/2001
  • Jim and Cheryl begins to realize they never have any time together when they have to sneak away for 20 minutes to make love while Andy and Dan take the girls to get ice cream. Cheryl looks into them taking a getaway trip to the Bahamas, and since it is hurricane season and the tickets are cheap, he agrees, while Dana agrees to watch the kids. However she does request that they do not have sex for three weeks until the trip, so that it will be more romantic and meaningful during the getaway. He reluctantly agrees, and to get in the spirit, he begins being romantic and courting her in the meantime. Meanwhile Ruby asks for a treehouse, and Jim passes off the task to Andy, who goes overboard to produce an overblown luxurious treehouse. When Cheryl finds out that Dana messed up the dates of the trip, she is reluctant to tell Jim because he has been so romantic in courting her. When he finally does, he immediately drops the romance, and just assumes they will return to quick sex. She is offended by this, and he has to explains this is just how men act, and any of the romantic things he said when they originally courted, he had said to countless women. In anger she tells him that during their first meeting, she was actually making eyes at someone standing behind her and he was in the way… which hurts his feelings and causes him to sulk. To make it up to him, she invites him to meet her for a romantic evening in the treehouse. 4/18/20
• 003. The Cat Came Back – 10/17/2001
  • Jim heads off to the Bears vs. Lions game at Soldier Field with Andy and Dana, but on the way, he gets a phone call from Cheryl that her cat Mr. Feeney died in his litter box. They race back home comfort Cheryl and the kids, and then attempt to head back to the game. Cheryl asks him to bury the cat in the backyard first, but when Jim finds the ground too long, he dumps the cat in the garage freezer and heads out. Cheryl finds the cat while getting popsicles and is aghast. When Jim returns home, he finds a very upset Cheryl who gets Jim to admit what he did. Jim then practices with his blues rock band that included Andy, Danny (Danny Breen), Ed (Ed Lover), and Tony (Tony Braunagel). Jim then thinks he can make up for it by buying her a dog that he names Gary Sinise. Cheryl again is furious at his lack of compassion and support, and goes out and buries the cat by herself. She then tells the kids tales about when she first got the cat when he was first born with her boyfriend David Feeney. Outside she finds Jim with Andy and Dana playing and singing Amazing Grace over the cat’s grave. Cheryl warms up to the dog somewhat, but shys away from telling Jim where Mr. Feeney got his name. 4/19/20
• 004. Anniversary – 10/21/2001
  • With Jim and Cheryl’s tenth anniversary coming up, Jim asks Dana to pick out the gift as she had every year, spending $15 for each year of marriage plus an extra $15 since it is the tenth. She picks out a charm bracelet with charms representing significant events in their lives together. However she spends $500 on the bracelet, much to Jim’s irritation. Jim has Andy wrap the gift and pick out the card. They have a family anniversary dinner, after which Uncle Jim’s performs his anniversary puppet show with the girls, and then Jim and Cheryl exchange gifts. Jim loves his new massage chair, and Cheryl loves her bracelet. Dana is irritated that Jim asks her for a receipt before paying her back. When Jim can’t figure out why there is a traffic light on the bracelet, Dana won’t help him, and Cheryl figures out that Jim didn’t pick out the gift. She is hurt, and Jim tries to explain that he is terrible at picking out gifts. She assures him that she would love whatever he picks out, so he decides to get her the 52″ big screen TV that he always wanted and she wouldn’t allow. She is obviously irritated at this, but stays true to her word. However when Jim invites his friends over to watch football, she won’t relinquish watching a Sex and the City marathon with her friends, which forces the friends to leave, and Jim to watch the game on a tiny TV in the kitchen. Jim catches Cheryl watching TV at 4:00am, and tells her that he feels guilty and is going to send the TV back, forcing her to admit that she really does love it. Jim plays it off by telling her that he knew she would love it, and lists many different things that he remembers about her, culminating with a memory of them kissing at each traffic light on New Years until it turned green… which proved he knew the meaning of the bracelet charm after all. Christopher Moynihan is Chris. 4/19/20
• 005. Unruly Spirits – 10/31/2001
  • Halloween is approaching and Cheryl is excitedly working on the kids’ costumes, but is having a problem getting Grace to stop jumping down the stairs. Furthermore when she tries to correct her, Grace talks back and causes Cheryl to snap and tell her that she is not going to be allowed to go trick-or-treating. Jim has been especially excited to get free candy and to dress as a waiter delivering Grace’s head on a platter, so while the others are out, he finds a loophole that they will just go show off their costume, and if people give them candy, it won’t be because they asked. Cheryl catches him when they return and criticizes him for not putting on a united front. Later Jim is forced to dole out the punishment when Grace jumps down the stairs and breaks a lamp. He tells her that she cannot go to her friend Brittany’s birthday party, but Cheryl reminds him that Brittany is new to the neighborhood and Grace will be on of the only kids there. He tries to hold firm, until Brittany calls him crying. The have trouble coming up with a punishment that won’t hurt them or others as well, so they settle on having Grace visit their neighbor Ben (Michael McManus) and give away all of her candy. She seems to have no idea why they made her do it, and they merely have to laugh off the entire punishment situation. Meanwhile Andy is stalked by an old girlfriend named Claudia Noonan, and fears for his life. It turns out to be Dana pranking him for all of the jokes he’s played on her. Things go to far when Andy tries to confront Claudia and gets himself arrested. Dana admits to her prank, causing her to get arrested herself. This also proves to be a prank that was orchestrated by Andy and Cheryl, and the police officer (Ken Magee) was merely a stripper, who then strips on their front lawn. Steven Pierce is neighbor Brad – billed as Fred in the credits, and Soleil Borda is Grace’s friend Emma. 7/26/20
• 006. The Crush – 11/7/2001
  • Jim is tired of Dana always being at the house, so he and Andy team up to scope out a man for her. They agree on a welder named Nick Devlin (Kevin Porter), and although Dana is resistant to the idea, once she sees Nick she falls head over heals for him. In fact Cheryl seems enamored with him as well, as he begins doing Jim’s chores around the house and entertaining the kids. When Cheryl initiates romance with Jim, he gets her to admit that she has a little crush on Jim. He becomes more and more secure about this, and asks his band friends for advice. They suggest that he make Cheryl jealous, so he invites her to his worksite where he regularly flirts with a girl named Gabriella (Veronica Puleo) who operates the food cart. While waiting in line with Cheryl, he deliberately flirts with her and gets her to flirt back as normal. Cheryl is unbothered, but for Jim’s benefit she goes off at the girl and challenges her to come out of the cart and fight for Jim if she wants him, which both embarrasses and flatters Jim. Back home they discuss it further, and Cheryl makes Jim aware that she knows about of his crushes all over town, and Jim admits that he doesn’t understand what Cheryl sees in him so he is a little insecure about her having a crush. She reassures him that he’s the only one for her. Dana comes home and tells them that Nick broke it off with her, prompting Jim to assure her someone will find her before throwing her out. 7/26/20
• 007. Cheryl’s Old Flame – 11/14/2001
  • The girls have been sick and Cheryl is exhausted from taking care of them, as they’ve been crankier and needier than ever. Jim suggests putting a TV in their room, but Cheryl is adamant against it. When Cheryl has to leave to attend a therapy session for Andy, Jim had to stay home and babysit. Sure enough he puts the TV in their room, and Cheryl is amazed how quiet they are when she gets home, so she agrees to let them keep it while they are sick. It stretches beyond their ‘sick’ time, so she finally tells Jim that they need to stick to their guns. During their conversation Jim reveals that he’s still riding his motorcycle, which he had promised he’d no longer do. After they argue about it, Jim finally puts his bike in storage and gives the keys to Cheryl. It is then revealed by the girls that Cheryl has been smoking. She is forced to give Jim back her keys, so he can go riding again. They finally come to the agreement that they’ll no longer do either of their vices. Cheryl starts to worry that they’re being too strict on the girls and that they’ll never break any rules, but Jim spies them sneaking the TV back into their room. Meanwhile Cheryl has no issues at the Andy’s psychiatrist Dr. Gamble (Randall Arney), so she stops going. Andy and Dana continue to go, and shen Dana starts reading the office magazines during their sessions, Andy tells her that she’s a jerk, causing her to burst into tears. They eventually reconcile and she brings him a cake with an edible flower on it, to make up for the one she ate off his cake when they were kids. He appreciates the gesture, but she’s already eaten this flower too. 11/9/20
• 008. The Turkey Bowl – 11/21/2001
  • On Thanksgiving, Cheryl is irritated when Jim wants to head off bowling with Andy, so she sends Ruby and Gracie with him. Jim seems headed for a perfect game, as he repeats everything the same before he bowls each frame: Ruby kisses him good luck and Andy eats a hot dog. After ten strikes, he says a prayer before going for the last frame… and the power goes out. Meanwhile at home, Jim forgot to tell Cheryl that he invited Chris and Tony over for dinner. As Dana drinks more and more, she starts to fall for Chris despite his nerdiness, but once she throws up, he starts to irritate her. Andy returns with Gracie, but tell Cheryl that Jim is still waiting at the alley for the power to come back on. Everyone at the house starts to drive her crazy, so she heads over to the alley to get Ruby and try and talk some sense into Jim. He tells her that he has never done anything perfectly in his life and it will mean the world to him to accomplish this. She goes home, and Jim falls asleep in the manager Lewis’s (Garrett Morris) office. When he wakes up, Cheryl has brought Thanksgiving dinner and all of the guests, and has lit candles all down the gutters. Jim takes his shot…and gets the strike, celebrating by including everyone there in the picture that will go on the wall to honor his achievement. 11/10/20
• 009. Andy’s Girlfriend – 11/28/2001
  • Andy begins dating Ruby’s piano teacher Alisha (Nicole Sullivan), so Jim and Cheryl have them over for dinner. Jim takes a disliking to her right away when he finds out she is a vegetarian and a Packers fan, and moreover is making Andy the same. The dinner is uncomfortable as he constantly chides her, but when Cheryl tries to correct him after the fact, Jim asks that she let him be himself. She agrees to let him run amok with his mouth from then on. So when Andy and Alisha break up, she lets him tell Andy what a controlling pain she was and that he should be glad to be rid of her. Unfortunately when they get back together, Andy holds a grudge for everything Jim said about her, and Cheryl is quick to point out that this is what happens when Jim is allowed to be himself unchecked. Jim and Andy eventually reconcile at band practice with Ed, Joe (Dweezil Zappa), and drummer Willie (Willie Ornelas). Jim invites them to come to dinner again, but Andy confides in Jim that it is actually Cheryl who Alisha doesn’t like to be around. Jim takes glee in telling this to Cheryl, and even Dana pokes fun at her because she always has to be liked. At Ruby’s piano recital, Jim instigates a conversation as a way of rubbing it in, and Cheryl can’t control herself from asking why Alisha doesn’t like her. Alisha tells her the truth, that she is intimidated by Cheryl because she is so perfect in all she does. Cheryl assures her that she isn’t perfect at all, and this makes Alisha feel better about being around her. Jim is forced to admit to Cheryl that she is perfect. Meanwhile Dana likes to brag about and show off her new boyfriend Dr. Josh Nelson (Kevin Ruf), but when he is constantly paged away, she starts seeing a young guy named Chip she met in her office mailroom. 2/28/21
• 010. An According to Jiminy Christmas – 12/12/2001
  • Christmas is coming up and Cheryl plans to have her mother Maggie (Kathleen Noone) stay with them at the house since she has had a hard time coping with Cheryl’s father’s passing. When she arrives, she starts to get on Cheryl’s nerves right away by being demanding and criticizing Cheryl’s hair. She also is passive aggressive about taking Jim and Cheryl’s room, leaving Jim and Cheryl to sleep in the girls’ room. Jim can’t sleep and goes down to the kitchen and finds Maggie up as well, and tries to subtly convince her to go to a hotel. Maggie thinks that Cheryl wants her to leave, but Cheryl convinces her that she never said that. On Christmas Eve, Maggie passes out her gifts since she plans to leave the next morning, and gives Dana a family heirloom pearl necklace that was supposed to go to Cheryl as the firstborn daughter. Cheryl had planned to pass it to Ruby, and gets upset with her mother. Jim, who had been trying to get Cheryl to confront her from the beginning, prods Cheryl to say something now. Cheryl yells at her mother for giving Dana the necklace and storms out of the room for the night. The next morning, Cheryl doesn’t come downstairs until after her mother leaves. Jim convinces her that she is going to need closure and takes her to the airport to see her mother before she leaves. The two come to better terms, and Maggie tells Cheryl that she gave the necklace to Dana because Dana doesn’t have anyone in her life to give her nice things. Cheryl feels better about it, and they bid a heartfelt goodbye as Maggie leaves. Cheryl tells Jim that Dana got the necklace because she’s a loser. Meanwhile, when the Ruby and Gracie see Andy dressed as Santa for a Quantis Christmas party, they think he is the real Santa, so they attempt to behave around him, much to his confusion. 2/28/21
• 011. Bad Word – 1/16/2002
  • Jim is watching the Bears game with Dana and Andy, when Cheryl leave him in charge of the two younger kids, plus Gracie’s friends Madison (Nicole Kuwahara) and Emma. When they start making commotion all over the house, Dana and Andy leave to watch the game at a bar, leaving Jim at home to suffer alone. He nears meltdown state when the Bears blow a play. Later, Cheryl gets a call from Madison’s mother Dorothy, telling her that Madison has said a two-word bad word that she believes she learned from Jim. Cheryl apologizes profusely and brings her cookies, telling her that Jim has apologizes too. Jim gets annoyed that Cheryl assumed that Madison heard the word from him, and didn’t stick up for him. He goes to bed angry and instead of eating dinner with Cheryl, he orders a pizza to be delivered to his room. The next morning Cheryl apologizes for jumping to conclusions, but after she leaves the room, Gracie repeats the bad the bad words in front of him and Dana. Jim tries to bribe Dana not to tell on him by paying her back the $500 he borrowed from her. Jim takes Gracie to his work that day, where she continues to repeat the words. Jim strategizes that having her say it over and over again, she will tire of it and stop saying it. This seems to work at first, until they attend Ruby’s ballet recital. When Ruby falls down, she too says the word, which causes judgement from the parents, particularly a male ballerina named Roland’s father (Dennis Cockrum). Cheryl rushes to Jim’s defense and chastises the entire room for blaming Jim, but when Ruby tells everyone she heard it from Gracie, and then Gracie says she heard it from Jim, the mood suddenly changes. When they get home, Jim braces to be screamed at, but he preemptively thanks Cheryl for coming to his defense and says no one ever did that before. Cheryl forgives him, but can’t resist calling him a curse world of her own… right in the earshot of Ruby. Jim declares that they are even. That night he orders another pizza and has the delivery boy (Robert Belushi) deliver it directly to his room. Irene Roseen is the ballet instructor. Carol Pawlak is the mother who says “nice going”. 6/28/21
• 012. Model Behavior – 1/23/1002
  • After seeing how horribly Ruby is at soccer, Jim is happy when Dana, who is dating a client from her ad agency named Ted, tells them that they’re interesting in photographing Ruby for a cookie ad… especially when he learns that it pays $1500. Cheryl is less enthusiastic, but Jim talks her into it and takes her to the shoot. The photographer Rick (Justin Doran) tells her that Ruby beat out 49 other girls and that he should think about getting her an agent. Jim has a hard time convincing Cheryl that it is a good thing to make Ruby so competitive, but Jim has already engaged an agent. Cheryl quickly tires of taking Ruby to auditions, and Jim thinks that she’s being too nice by hobnobbing with the other parents and letting Ruby play with the other students, so he offers to take her to the next audition. He tries to act tough with one of the other fathers, until he finds out that he’s an off-duty policeman (John Rubano). Andy tries to scope out the competition, but winds up getting kicked out when he tries to psych out a little girl. Ultimately Ruby doesn’t get the job, and Cheryl can’t understand why it means so much to Jim to have Ruby be competitive. He says he wants her to be more like him, but Cheryl reminds him that he married a nice girl who likes to help other people. He realizes that it is true, so he has a talk to Ruby about just doing things to have fun, rather than trying to win. She says she wants to keep playing soccer, not because she likes the sport, but because they go for pizza afterward… giving Jim hope that she’s a lot like him after all. He practices with her kicking the soccer ball, and after he brakes a vase, she nearly injures him by kicking the ball into him so hard. Amita Balla is the casting assistant who recognizes Andy as the Regal Snow Pants boy from an ad he did as a kid. She herself was the Snowflake Earmuff girl, but he doesn’t recognize her, and tells her to move on. 6/28/21
• 013. The Money – 1/30/2002
  • Andy needs to borrow $1000 for a down payment on a new condo. He doesn’t want to ask Dana because he knows there will be strings attached. He’s also scared to ask Jim, so he goes straight to Cheryl. She agrees to give him the money form their trip-to-Italy fund, but tells him that he’ll have to get Jim’s buy-in as well. When he finally builds up the nerve to ask Jim, he only laughs in his face. Furthermore he tells Andy that he’s actually already spent all of the money in that account, and threatens to kill Jim if he breathes a word of it to Cheryl. Jim and Cheryl later argue over the fact that he wouldn’t loan Andy the money, but Jim makes the point that it is for something special for both of them. Cheryl wants to give him the money anyway, so she goes to the bank and finds that the account just a few dollars left in it. She confronts Jim about it, and he admits that the took little bits out here and there, but doesn’t want to fight about it. She is furious, but he then realizes that she wouldn’t know this unless she went to the bank to take the money for Andy without his permission. This gives him the upper hand – he thinks – until he says that all of the money is his anyway since he makes all of the money in the household since she’s a stay-at-home mother. This prompts her to have a garage sale to make some money for herself, selling only the things that she owned before they were married… including his favorite chair. Jim is aghast when she sells the chair to Andy, and refuses to get up out of it. Dana loans Andy the money, and only asks that he take her to the airport at 5am the next morning. Jim refuses to budge from the chair, but it gives Cheryl a chance to talk to him, and finally get him to admit that they do equal work and need to share everything. Audrey Rapoport is Cheryl’s friend Tracy. 11/22/21
• 014. Blow-Up – 2/13/2002
  • For Valentine’s Day, Cheryl decides that they can stay in for the night and watch movies, a notion Jim loves. She still wants to get him more, so Dana suggests that she pose for an intimate photo for him. Cheryl doesn’t think she can do it, until Dana insinuates that she’s not fun. After Jim gives her a car emergency kit, which includes crackers that he wants to immediately eat, Cheryl gives him the photo, which he loves and can barely take his eyes off of. After rehearsing with his band, the guys start talking about their Valentine’s Days, and Jim shows them the photo Cheryl gave to him, which he has had made into a wallet size. Cheryl catches him in the act of showing them, and he is mortified. She rails on him, but he insists it is a compliment to her, but promises not to show it off anymore. When Jim’s co-worker Kenny (Ted Michaels) stops by the house to drop off some prints, he can’t keep his eyes off Cheryl and then absent-mindedly tells her that he loves her, Cheryl assumes Jim has now been showing the photo off around work. Jim flatly denes this, and they learn that the photographer Michelle (Mary Randle) has hung the photo in the window of her studio, and has gotten great advertising and her sales to housewives have gone up dramatically. Cheryl is flattered by this and tells Michelle that she can keep it there. Jim, however, who sees everyone ogling the photo, argues against it. Although Jim realizes he is being hypocritical, Cheryl decides to have it taken down, so Michelle gives them the photo to take home. John Rubano is band member John. 11/22/21
• 015. Racquetball – 2/27/2002
  • While Jim and Andy are at home trying different baby foods, which ultimately leads to them making a pizza smoothie, Cheryl is off at the gym where she re-discovers racquetball and what great exercise it is. She challenges Jim to play against her, but he isn’t interested… until she claims that he is too chicken to be beaten by a girl. She also claims that she beat him once before, but he maintains he just let her win in order to build her up so he could get her in the sack. He finally agrees, and Cheryl winds up winning. They come and home, and Cheryl is quick to tell Dana and Andy, and they then quickly jump into making fun of him for losing to a girl. Once they proudly march out of the room, Cheryl tells Dana that she actually cheated. Meanwhile, Andy gets hold of the video tape that the gym provides so that players can study their form, and shows it to their bandmates so they too can join in with making fun of Jim. As they are watching, Jim notice one point in the game where Cheryl misses the ball and then throws it into the wall, unseen by Jim at the time because she is playing behind him. When Jim sees this, he plays it off and brings the tape inside to get Cheryl to watch it. Although Cheryl admits she cheated, she reluctantly accepts Jim’s challenge to play her a rematch game. After a hard fought battle that leaves them both exhausted and in pain, Jim wins the match. He tries to be a good sport, and tells the girls that he won, but that his mother could have won…apparently. Cheryl tries to seduce him, but they are in too much pain to get off the couch. 5/3/22
• 016. Under Pressure – 3/6/2002
  • While Jim is playing with the girls on their pogo stick, he falls over and injure his knee. Cheryl takes him to see Dr. Portello (Jeffrey King), who gives him some medicine, but says he will check to see if the new meds are compatible with his blood pressure medicine. Cheryl overhears this, and is angry that Jim never told her that he had high blood pressure. She worries about his eating habits, and even more so that he seems to bottle in all of his issues. She insists that he starts sharing his daily work problems with her, while she massages his back. He starts to really enjoy it because it means less work and more massages for him, while enjoying a glass of wine. However, he starts to run out of stressful things to tell her. When she gets irritated about it, Jim tells her that one of his clients on the Anderson jobs went bankrupt, and that they will have to eat $10,000 in costs. Cheryl comforts him about it, but then begins to panic thinking it will kill them financially. She starts working on taking out a second mortgage, but Jim thinks she is overreacting, and tells her this is common in construction, and that this is why he doesn’t tell her his work woes. Meanwhile, Dana gets an invite to attend the wedding of her old friend Carrie, who had broken up with Andy years ago and he never got over her. Sure enough he is crestfallen and tells Cheryl he dreads given her back her bike. Cheryl offers to do it, but by the time Andy gets the bike to her, it is completely destroyed because he ran over it with his car. Andy also tells Cheryl that the Anderson job had happened over a month ago and has resolved itself. Jim admits that he only told her what she wanted to hear, and had pushed him to tell his problems even though he had a good day. Even Dana and Andy agree that she has a problem with ‘compulsive caretaking’. She retaliates by feeding Jim a steak and insisting he load it with fattening items. Jim is forced to admit that he loves being taken care of by her and realizes how worse off he’d be if she didn’t. He agrees to tell her about his day, but if he has nothing to say, he won’t. She switches his plate of steak of sour cream with her vegetables. 5/4/22
• 017. Date Night – 3/13/2002
  • Jim and Cheryl plan a date night, with Andy staying at the house and watching the kids. Dana shows up and pleads with Andy to do her taxes for her since the extension is almost up. He agrees, if she will do his laundry and wait on him hand and foot. Meanwhile, Jim takes Cheryl to a fancy restaurant, even if he is attempting to use coupons. He gets irritated in the parking lot when a man steals the parking spot he is shooting for. Inside the restaurant, no matter how much Cheryl pleads with him to let it go, Jim becomes obsessed with the man who stole his spot… especially when the same man gets the same rack of lamb that he wanted, and causes the restaurant to run out. By this time, Cheryl is so annoyed that she walks out and goes home. Jim goes looking for her and ends up seeing the movie that they were going to see together by himself. When he gets home, Cheryl tells him how much she needed a night out with an adult after spending day after day with the kids. As Andy is doing Dana’s taxes and bragging about how much he saves for a rainy day, she criticizes how he doesn’t bother to live his life. This prompts him to walk out on the taxes. The next night Cheryl decides to go back to the same restaurant by herself. Jim is upset by this and gets Dana to talk about it with him, and she tells him how Cheryl does everything he wants to do because she is happy when he is. He decides to go after her, and shows up the restaurant as she is finishing dinner. He says he can be a good date and not get distracted by jerks who annoy him. He even tosses the coupon book, and orders her dessert and himself a rack of lamb. Andy is having a dinner of his own, with Dana’s 62-year old assistant Mrs. Anderson… who keeps falling asleep at the table. David Greenman is the waiter. 8/31/22
• 018. Birthday Boys – 3/20/2002
  • Andy and Kyle share the same birthday, and Dan gets Kyle a $500 mural. Cheryl cautions her about spending too much money on her kids, while Jim thinks it is no problem. Andy is upset because Kyle is getting all of the attention, and wants to go out to the Rusty Schooner for a steak dinner and then be taken to see Rollerball. Jim remembers that the restaurant serves a 72-ounce steak, so he is anxious to go as well. Cheryl who doesn’t like how much her sister is spending, asks Jim to make sure he picks up the check. At the dinner, both Jim and Andy are able to finish the steak and receive a special sticker. Dana tries to pick up the check, but Jim says that he will pay for it. Cheryl then mentions that she has no problem buying since she makes more money than Jim. This makes him angry and he really insists on getting the check. Later at home, the girls express that they want a mural like Kyle’s and then ask Dana if she will get them a pony. Jim tells the girls that they should be asking him for things, but tells them that they still can’t have a pony. However, Jim later tells Cheryl that he did buy them a pony… which is actually a donkey that he names Paul. Cheryl is annoyed by the fact that Jim bought a donkey, but it becomes even worse when the donkey knocks over the mural and urinates on it. Jim tries to spread the blame around, but Cheryl makes him apologize to Dana. He also tells her that he’s not ashamed that she makes more, but it was embarrassing to him when she said that in front of his kids. She tells Jim that he’s the man of the house, and not only takes care of his family, but of her and Andy as well. They come to an understanding, but she gets one more dig in to him by telling him again that she makes more money. Andy is obsessed with the donkey, which he re-names Mr. Applesauce. Jeremy Rowley, Jordan Black, and Aaron Lee are the waiters. 8/31/22
• 019. The Receipt – 4/24/2002
  • Jim’s brand-new DVD player stops working while he’s watching Red Heat, so he plans to return it to Lazy Al’s but can’t find the receipt. He blames Cheryl for it being missing, but she in turn points out that it is him who is always losing everything. Jim tries to take it back without a receipt, but the clerk Bill (Jim Rash) points out that they do not accept returns without a receipt. In order to keep Cheryl off his back, he buys a new one and brings it home, telling her that he found the receipt after all. He confides in his band members Andy, Chris, John, and Tony about what he did. Meanwhile, Dana comes over to blame Cheryl for the horrible spaghetti sauce that she made thanks to Cheryl’s recipe. They figure out that Dana used oranges instead of oregano. They also realize that Cheryl has written the recipe on the back of Jim’s original Lazy Al receipt. In order to keep Jim from finding it, she burns it. However, Jim is making plans to return the old DVD player using the new player’s receipt. When he gets to Lazy Al’s, Bill points out that the serial number on the machine and the receipt don’t match, so Jim flees before Bill can call the police. Cheryl later catches Jim hiding the old player in the garage and forces him to tell her what is going on. Jim comes clean to her, and then she has to come clean to him. Jim notes that they spend too much time making lists on each other to later lord it over the other person, which they refer to as a dog ‘burying a bone’. Cheryl tells Jim some of the good things she has on her ‘list’, which she plans to use at his funeral. They finally kiss and make up. Jim later brings Dana to Lazy Al’s to flirt with Bill in order to get his money back, and it works like a charm. 12/19/22
• 020. Old Friends – 5/1/2002
  • Jim gets pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign, but then reveals himself to be Jim’s old college friend Danny Michalski (Dan Aykroyd). Although he sternly warns Jim about being more careful, he doesn’t issue the ticket. Jim invites him over for Sunday dinner at their house. Cheryl isn’t too excited as he made a drunken toast during their wedding telling Jim he should have married Jim’s ex-girlfriend because she had nicer breasts. Dana and Andy both remember Danny for trying to have kissed them both at the wedding. Much to their surprise, Danny arrives in suit, brings the kids gifts, is polite to everyone, and offers to do the dishes after dinner. Cheryl points out how much tamer he is… just like Jim is. Jim takes issue with this and invites Danny to go out for drinks at Harlow’s. They wind up doing shots and flaunts the fact that is he is a cop by giving one lady a ticket for too much cleavage and one for too much Spandex. The next day, Jim is hungover at work and can’t keep awake. Danny shows up and tells Jim that he got suspended for his ticket shenanigans when one of the girls reported him. Jim and Danny go out four nights in a row to Harlow’s, and it is causing Jim to fall asleep all the time in various places around the house. On the fifth night, Danny comes to pick up Jim to go go-cart riding, but Jim finally has to admit that he has completely run out of steam. Danny is disappointed, especially since he has nothing but free time while under suspension. Danny storms off and heads to Harlow’s alone. Jim eventually shows up and apologizes for not being able to keep up with him. Danny admits that he too has had trouble keep up. He also said that his boss is getting him unsuspended. Just to show they still feel young when it comes to blues music, they join some of Jim’s friends, Glen (Glen Clark), John (Johnny Lee Schell), Larry (Larry Lee Lerma), and Tony on stage and sing a duet of Cadillac Man. 12/19/22
• 021. Cheryl’s Day Off – 5/8/2002
  • When Cheryl takes Dana to a podiatrist to have a toenail removed, Jim is left at home with the Ruby, Gracie, and Kyle. Instead of continuing to watch Saving Private Ryan, he and Andy take the kids to the park. He runs into the girls’ friend Hannah’s mother Sandy (Elizabeth Anne Smith), as well as several of the other mothers including Leslie and Carol. He can’t keep any of them straight, but they all seem enamored with him. Meanwhile, Dana doesn’t get any further than getting the anesthesia in her foot before being called away on an emergency. Despite the fact that Dana keeps falling over, they decide to take the day and go to the movies and see Black Knight since Jim already has the kids. Sandy talks Jim into letting the girls come home with her to play with the other kids. At the movie theater, Cheryl gets annoyed by a crying baby, which turns out to be Kyle since Jim has gone to the same movie. Jim tells Cheryl that their girls are off playing with a girl named Sarah, or possibly Julia with the mother being Sarah. Cheryl doesn’t think Julia is a good influence and asks Jim to go get the girls. Jim shows up at Sarah’s (Hira Ambrosino) house, but of course she has no idea what Jim is talking about since she’s not who the girls went home with. After Jim and Andy get in a fight with the hose on her doorstep, they realize they have no idea where the girls are. When Cheryl calls, Jim tells he that he picked up the girls without issue, and then head back to the park to see if anyone is still there. They quickly scare off a little girl when they offer her candy for information, and then bid a hasty retreat back home to wait for the woman to bring home the kids. Cheryl and Dana return home and Jim tries to hide the fact that they’re not there. He tells her that they are grounded for calling him Fatty Poopypants. Jim tries to get them out of the house by offering to buy them both dinner, which arouses Cheryl’s suspicions. Jim admits that he has no idea where they are, but that they are with one of her friends. Cheryl starts to make calls, but then the girls show up with Sandy, whose name doesn’t ring a bell with Jim. Cheryl is angry that Jim botched his job so badly on the one day that she wants a day to herself. She tells him that she’s going to keep leaving them with him until he gets it right. Sandy reports that the word on the street is that two men were offering children candy at the park and that some parents got a good description of the car. Andy tells Jim that he should probably sell his car. 6/7/23
• 022. No Surprises – 5/15/2002
  • Jim teaches his daughters how to make armpit farts. Later, he and Andy discuss a charity event called bowling with the Bears that is taking place on Saturday. Cheryl thinks it is all a ruse to get her to a surprise party for her birthday party. Jim assures her that there is no party since she is always expecting one. Meanwhile, Dana announces that she has gotten a promotion and they are having a dinner party for her on Sunday. Cheryl suspects that this is for her birthday as well. After a series of strange phone calls for Jim, Cheryl is even more convinced that they are throwing her a surprise party. Both Andy and Dana try to avoid Cheryl to keep her from questioning them about the party. When she threatens to spit on Dana, she finally breaks down and tells her that Jim is having a party for her on Friday night and that she should dress up. When Jim comes home and finds Cheryl dressed up, Jim figures out that Dana obviously told her about the party. He is furious at her and tells Cheryl that the party is off since she is always so nosy and ruins his efforts. She apologizes and offers to make him dinner for her birthday and make him a giant wedding cake. The next night, Cheryl makes a big dinner, but Andy and Jim are both late due to an emergency with one of their properties. When Cheryl smells beer and cigars on Andy, he admits that they went to the Bowling with the Bears event and bowled with Bears team member Brian Urlacher (himself). Cheryl is furious with Jim for being so rude when she went to the trouble of making dinner. Andy films them having a huge fight, during which Jim blames both Andy and Dana for the disaster. Jim swears he’ll never throw or attend any party with her ever again. He is true to his word when he refuses to go to Dana’s party as well. When she shows up at Original Eddie’s Steak House, the bartender (Brian Palermo) tells her that she is at the wrong Original Eddie’s. Furthermore, when she orders a drink, she realizes that Jim took her last $20 for lottery tickets. Just as she tells the bartender how bad she feels about the weekend, Jim and the entire family and their friends show up behind her and surprise her. Cheryl is thrilled with the elaborate ruse. Jim brings in his band and they sing Happy Birthday to her. Brian Urlacher even shows up, having been told he was meeting a sick kid. The girls show him how to make fart noises with their armpits. Doug Cameron is band member Doug. 6/7/23

SEASON 2

• 023. The Importance of Being Jim – 10/1/2002
  • Jim spends the evening babysitting Ruby, who prattles on all evening about nothing, and then just as she falls asleep, Cheryl returns… and begins prattling herself. Later, Jim comes home and announces that he bought a used digital camera for $150 from his friend Dave Walker, who happens to be the same guy who dumped Dana and got married. There happens to be a picture of the new wife on the camera, and Cheryl asks Jim to keep the photo so Dana can see it. Later, as Jim is taking ridiculous photos of Andy, Cheryl brings home Dana to show her the picture. Unfortunately, Jim has deleted pictures because he was running out of storage. Cheryl is furious that Jim didn’t respect what was important to her, so she tells Jim that she threw out the camera. Jim tries to act nonchalant, but as soon as Cheryl leaves, he scours the trash can looking for it. Dana and Andy confirm that she really would throw it out, since he once threw away Andy stuffed monkey with symbols named Bobo. Later, Jim offers to wash Cheryl’s car and asks for the keys out of the purse, which has now disappeared. She is able to quickly find it since Jim’s phone is in her purse, so she simply calls it and locates the camera. Later, Jim and Andy dress up the kids to look like Cheryl and Jim, thinking this will force Cheryl to go get the camera to take a picture of them. He even pulls out a box of borrowed kittens, but Cheryl still doesn’t bite. While they are arguing, Andy points out that Kyle is starting to walk. By the time Cheryl gets the camera, he has stopped, leaving both Jim and Cheryl upset and disappointed. Later that night, Jim takes a picture of the girls sleeping with the kittens, but jokingly tells Cheryl that he deleted them. Cheryl explains how she would never start vacuuming while Jim is watching the NFL draft because she cares about what is important to him. Jim helps Cheryl pick out some colors of fabric for curtains, and Cheryl agrees he is pretending that it is enjoying it pretty well. Andy later replaces his Mr. Bob, but when Cheryl sees it, she throws it in the garage again, prompting Andy to dive inside. 10/3/23
• 024. Cars and Chicks – 10/8/2002
  • When Jim finds out that Cheryl is going along with Dana to go char shopping, he laughs at the notion of two women shopping together for a car, stating that they get too distracted to shop properly. Dana does in fact buy a car, and Cheryl is proud that she got her $600 off the advertised price. Her victory is short-lived when Dana comes over and tells them that the car has broken down and her deal doesn’t include the use of a loaner car. Jim naturally gloats, but Cheryl angrily agrees that Jim should be the one to go in and talk the dealer into a loaner. He first confronts the salesman Bill (John Cervenka) aggressively, so Bill goes to get his manager to talk to Jim. The manager is a beautiful woman named Gretchen Saunders (Cindy Crawford), who makes Jim’s jaw hit the floor. She winds up talking Jim into trading in their minivan for a new red sports car. Cheryl is furious that he traded in her van, which she uses for the kids’ carpool. She is mostly upset because he didn’t consult her about the decision. Cheryl and Dana head to the dealership to speak to the manager about getting the loaner car. When they see the manager, they both realize why Jim was convinced to get the new car. She later confronts Jim about who sold hm the new car, and he describes a Germanic, Latino, Chinese man with a mustache. Eventually, Cheryl gets to the truth of the matter, and accuses Jim of getting distracted by Gretchen’s beauty she he bought the car. As they are fighting, Cheryl drops everything and tells her that she is suddenly very attracted to him and wants to use their time alone ‘creatively’. As Jim rips off his clothes, she tells him that he just got played, just like he did with Gretchen. Jim and Andy go back to see Gretchen to try to get the minivan back, vowing not to even look at her so he doesn’t get distracted. He tells her that he wants to see the owner named Mike. She goes to get him and finds that it is Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka (himself). Jim is so distracted this time that he again agrees to buy another car. 10/4/23
• 025. The Baby Monitor – 10/15/2002
  • Jim comes home one day to find a strange new woman in the kitchen. She turns out to be the neighbor Janet (Stacey Travis), who has just moved in with her husband Ted (Pat Finn) and baby son Jeffrey. After she borrows one of Cheryl’s baby monitors, she leaves, and Cheryl tells Jim that she’s committed them to having dinner with the new couple that week. Jim is reluctant, but Cheryl eventually talks him into it by lamenting that no one in the neighborhood likes him. They both wind up having a good time at the dinner, but they still make fun of Janet’s laugh and Ted’s fake hair. They then discover that their baby monitor is picking up their voices at their house. The overhear Ted and Janet saying how beautiful Cheryl is, but mocking Jim’s cheapness, his unbuttoned pants, and questioning how someone who looks like him could every get someone who looks like Cheryl. They also overhear them getting ready to have sex and find out that Ted refers to his penis as “Little Winston.” Jim takes an instant disliking to them again, but Cheryl insists that they invite them over for dinner that weekend. Andy and Dana also become hooked on listening to Janet and Ted’s private conversations in the meantime. On the day of the dinner, Jim keeps edging closer to revealing information that would indicate they had heard their conversation, but it doesn’t come to a head until Jim accidentally refers to a cocktail weenie as a “Winston”. Ted storms out of the house thinking that Nancy has told them about his inadequacies. Cheryl and Jim listen to them argue over the monitor and then realize they are coming back over to get an explanation for Jim’s knowledge. After first trying to convince them that they are aliens, Jim and Cheryl finally come clean about the monitor. Jim is mortified and doesn’t think they can be friends, so Jim offers to tell them something embarrassing, which turns out to be that Cheryl had a nose job. This isn’t good enough… and it also ticks off Cheryl. Jim then confesses that he cried during the movie Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. When that doesn’t work either, he tells them that he had a homosexual affair in college with a guy named Craig Howard. This does the trick, and the couples have dinner together. Later, Dana and Andy listen in on the monitor as Cheryl and Jim have dinner with them, and Andy calls over there pretending to be Craig Howard, who is in town and wants to go to antique stores with Jim. 2/4/24
• 026. The Pizza Boy – 10/22/2002
  • Jim takes delight in counting the minutes until the pizza delivery boy Ronnie (Robert Belushi) from Speedy Tony’s arrives at their house, and then taking his time answering the door to ensure he is late enough that the pizza is free. This time, Ronnie doesn’t bother fighting back because he is ready to quit Speedy Tony’s, which his father owns, in order to become a stand-up comic. Jim doesn’t care one way or the other… until Ronnie tells him that this will cause his father to retire since he will no longer have to pay for Ronnie’s college. Jim starts auditioning replacement pizza joints, but no one lives up to Tony’s quality. Cheryl tells Jim that he ought to try and mediate, especially considering his own estrangement from his father. Jim then goes to see Tony (Reni Santoni) to plead with him to keep the pizza place open. Tony tells Jim that the only thing that Jim can do is convince Ronnie to go to college instead of throwing away his life on stand-up comedy. Tony knows Jim from his address by the orders that he’s made over the years, so out of respect for Jim paying to put in his above-ground pool. he agrees to go see his sone perform at Monty’s Comedy Cave. Cheryl hopes that he will do jokes about dogs talking. However, Ronnie mostly restricts his jokes to pizza and pizza delivery, and gets a very cold reception from the audience, embarrassing Tony even further. Jim agrees to let Ronnie move into the house with them until things smooth over. However, when a week passes and Ronnie is still there, Cheryl insists that Jim try and reconcile him with his father, and once again cites Jim’s destroyed relationship with his own father. Jim finally convinces Ronnie to call his father, but Tony just hangs up on him. Jim then goes to see Tony again and steals his Speedy Tony chef statue and brings it home, telling Tony that he won’t get it back until he talks to his son. Tony shows up to get the statue, but Jim insists that they talk and reconcile, warning them that one day the relationship may not be repairable and that they each will always wonder about each other and lament that things could have been different. Tony then softens and invites his son over to have some ice cream with him. He tells Jim and Cheryl that he will be back later for the statue, but after he leaves, Cheryl accidentally knocks its head off. Later, Cheryl tries her hand at the Comedy Cave, doing jokes about her dog talking. Mark Adair-Rios is the comedy club emcee. 2/4/24

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