The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – Fox

Created by Will Forte

• 001. Alive in Tucson – 3/1/2015
  • In the year 2020, one year after a virus has rocked the Earth, Tucson, Arizona native Phil Miller (Will Forte) scours the entire country in a bus looking for signs of life on Earth, ultimately visiting every state and leaving signs that he is alive in Tucson before returning home. At first, he accepts his fate by moving into a giant house which he decorates with stolen, rare artifacts from museums all over the country, partaking in childish acts of vandalism, masturbating, and vowing to never talk to a volleyball as Tom Hanks did in the film Cast Away. When it becomes apparent that there is no one coming. He celebrates his birthday alone with a Twinkie and thinks back to life with his wife Patti (Patti Forte). Five months later, he has become a complete slob who has trashed his house, resorted to pooping into his pool, and drinking all day. He regularly hangs out a O’Rozco’s Bar & Grill, where, despite his earlier words, has set up numerous types of balls with faces on them whom he considers his friends. He reaches his low point when he introduces himself to a mannequin and her arm falls off. He decides to commit suicide by running his truck into a giant rock, but before he hits his target, he notices smoke rising in the distance. When he goes to investigate, he finds that it is a woman, but passes out when he sees her. He wakes to a beautiful woman named Veronica (Alexandra Daddario) and begins to kiss her… only to wake up and see another less attractive woman named Carol Pilbasian (Kristen Schaal) giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. When he jumps up, he initially frightens her, and she pulls a gun on him. Then cooler heads prevail, and they introduce themselves, Carol having followed Phil’s signs to get there. 3/31/20

• 002. The Elephant in the Room – 3/1/2015
  • Carol and Phil begin chatting and he finds her constant correction of his grammar and peculiar ways to be irritating. She asks to visit his home, feeling that a home is a reflection of a man, but finds the place a disaster, porn magazines everywhere, stolen merchandise, and the pool that he poops in. He also finds it annoying that she wants to stick with old conventions like stopping at Stop signs and not parking in handicap spots. She tells him that she plans to get him back on track and shows up the next day and begins cleaning his house. After a visit to a hardware store where he drives through the front window because she doesn’t like him parking in a handicap spot, he visits O’Rozco’s and tells his ball friends that he is feeling crowded by her, the last woman on Earth. When he catches her moving in next door to him, he has a meltdown and tells her to go elsewhere. She reveals that she believes that the two of them were left behind to re-populate the Earth, but he doesn’t agree. She also asks for his help turning the water back on so that she can grow a tomato garden and water it. He refuses, but sneaks into her garden and eats some tomatoes. She attempts to get into the sewer to fix the water but drops the manhole on her foot. That combined with him seeing her getting ready to poop into her pool inspires him to research how the water operates, and he visits the water plant and rigs up an irrigation system for her garden. The two have dinner together, and he agrees to help her conceive. She tells him that he has to marry her first, but he finds the notion ridiculous and walks out… only to return and agree to marry her since it means that much to her. He delivers a sarcastic, half-hearted proposal which she gleefully accepts. 3/31/20
• 003. Raisin Balls and Wedding Bells – 3/8/2015
  • Phil has a dream that he marries Carol and when they leave the church, there are people there to congratulate them. When he wakes up, Carol has arrived at his house for a spaghetti and raisin dinner. They also elect Phil as President of the United States. Carol gives Phil a walkie-talkie and tells him that he is responsible for finding their wedding rings and she will take care of everything else. He has his bachelor party with his various balls and spends the afternoon burning wigs and toilet paper. He tells his mannequin ex-girlfriend that he is getting married. During the ceremony where the minister is Carol on a tape recording, they speak their own vows, but Phil can scarcely think of anything to say. He also has forgotten to get the rings… and this is the last straw for Carol who storms out. Phil gets worried about her when she won’t answer him and he breaks down her door, finding elaborate decorations that she prepared for the reception. He tracks her down and tells her that he was worried about her and would rather put up with her ‘tendencies’ than be alone. They go and get a ring and then go through with the wedding ceremony. The sex is very awkward on their first night, and Carol insists on talking and shouting all the way through it. They begin doing things together like playing racquetball in the house, running over things with a steamroller and burning wigs. Carol attacks the mannequin and tells her that Phil is off the market. Phil tells Carol that marriage with her is surprisingly tolerable, just before they crash into a limousine and meet the lady driving it, the lovely Melissa Chartres (January Jones), to whom Phil becomes instantly attracted. 6/5/20
• 004. Sweet Melissa – 3/15/2015
  • After the crash, Melissa drives Phil and Carol back to his house. On the way he learns that Melissa has followed his signs and had actually been in Tucson for two weeks. Phil is mesmerized by her and falls all over himself trying to impress her but comes off as a complete weirdo. She takes a house on the same street with them. Phil dresses up nice for dinner and shaves off his beard, but nothing seems to impress her. Meanwhile Carol is demanding that Phil fix the front door that he tore down. Phil starts working out in hopes of impressing Melissa and gets her a Volkswagen Beetle to make up for crashing into her limousine. Carol is irritated by his gesture, but she also explains to Melissa that Phil is a good man for going along with the marriage. Melissa passes an invitation to Phil for them both to come over to her place for beers. Phil doesn’t tell Carol about it and goes alone. Melissa admires their marriage, much to Phil’s irritation, but also confesses to him that she is quite lonely and horny. Phil leaves to go break it off with Carol, but when he sees the wreath she made for their door, he decides not to do it. She also makes him promise to fix the door for good, as she feels it symbolizes their marriage. 6/5/20
• 005. Dunk the Skunk – 3/22/2015
  • As a mysterious man works his way toward Tucson, Phil tries to scheme a way he can sleep with Melissa. First, he feels out Melissa to see if she is in favor of saving the human race, and to see if she occasionally will shirk the rules. Then he goes to see Carol, faking tears and distress over the predicament that their children will have to have sex with each other if there aren’t more children created. Carol realizes that he is asking permission to sleep with Melissa, and she throws him out and tells him that he is a skunk. She also gives Melissa a piece of her mind for telling Phil that she is horny, so Melissa also visits Phil to yell at him and tell her how angry she is. Phil tries to make amends with both by setting up a street festival with a dunking booth for them to be able to “Dunk the Skunk.” They both ignore him for the entire evening as the faulty booth keeps dunking him on its own. Carol and Melissa make up, and Carol gives permission to procreate with Melissa as well, laying out very specific rules with how often they can have sex. The day rolls around for their first encounter, and although Phil acts nonchalant about it, he has prepared an ultra-romantic evening for them, which includes fireworks and an outdoor bed. As they are finally ready to get down to business, the mysterious man pulls up in his sports car. He is fat and jovial and identifies himself as Todd (Mel Rodriguez). 9/20/20
• 006. Some Friggin’ Fat Dude – 3/22/2015
  • Todd’s arrival puts a crimp in Phil’s plans to sleep with Melissa that evening. He explains that he was heading from Baltimore to Zihuatanejo, Mexico, but when he saw Todd’s fireworks, he turned around to find them. As Todd tries to undermine any connection that Todd and Melissa may have, Carol is anxious for them to pair up and arranges for them to have a mini-golf and go-cart outing, then pretends she is sick so that they can have the outing by themselves. She fake-vomits into a flowerpot and then insists that Phil stay with her. However, Phil follows them and sees them starting to connect. Todd also tries to persuade Melissa that her favorite movie The Shawshank Redemption is also his favorite, although he apparently has never seen it. Phil then arranges for all four of them to play tennis, and tells Todd that they are playing shirts and skins, trying to get Todd to remove his shirt and embarrass himself. Todd reveals a major scar, which he got from donating a kidney to his brother, thus endearing him to Melissa even more. When Todd gets sad about his brother, he rushes off the court in an emotional state. He and Carol then see Todd and Melissa kissing, and Carol credits Phil with the shirt nudge. Phil visits Melissa to try and put a stop to it by warning her about fat people, which causes Melissa to tell Phil that he is an ass. He finally bellows out a heartfelt apology, and the two reconcile. He admits that his favorite movie is The Godfather, and introduces her to his friends the balls. He then takes the step to admit that he is falling in love with her and thinks about her constantly, but when she tells him that she doesn’t feel the same, he lies and says he was just rehearsing what he planned to say to Carol. 9/20/20
• 007. She Drives Me Crazy – 3/29/2015
  • Phil has a dream that things when different when he confessed his love to Melissa, and that they make love to the sounds of the song She Drives Me Crazy. But when he wakes up, he finds that the same song is playing at her house. Todd confirms Phil’s biggest fear: that this is the song they make love to. Meanwhile Carol is on Todd’s case about cleaning out his toilet pool as the smell is becoming unbearable and she is forced to put dryer sheets in her nose. As President of the United States, Phil institutes town hall meetings where they can go over their grievances. His is that everyone limit announcing their sexual dalliances by playing music. Everyone out-votes him, and instead votes that Phil needs to clean his toilet pool. He gathers cleaners and a disease control uniform and begins cleaning, only to break down in a crying fit. Melissa comes over and apologizes for being insensitive about playing the song, knowing how Phil feels about her, while Phil continues to maintain that he was only telling her what he intended to say to Carol. Phil invites Todd to go a drive with him to show him his thinking space, planning to abandon him three hours away in the desert. However after he drives away, he wrestles with his conscience and winds up picking an oblivious Todd back up and taking him home. He goes home and surprises Carol by cleaning out the pool and installing a port-a-pot in the house. 1/8/21
• 008. Mooovin’ In – 3/29/2015
  • Phil is beside himself with jealousy when Todd not only gets to be affectionate with Carol, but seems to be able to impress Melissa and Carol with everything he does. When Todd makes a sculpture of the four of them, Phil purposely breaks it. He heads over to O’Rozco’s to talk to his ball friends about his grievance, which also includes Carol’s constant pressure that they move into the same house. While there, Phil discovers a live cow in the parking lot and, hoping that it will impress everyone, he brings it home. He wants to make steaks out of it, but everyone else convinces him to keep it for milk. Phil pretends to be lactose intolerant in order to appear that he is giving his notion of steaks up for everyone else’s benefit. Todd still somehow winds up getting the credit, because he is the only one who knows hot to milk a cow. The cow also seems to want to live in Todd’s backyard instead of in Phil’s living room. In the middle of the night, Phil sneaks over to Todd’s and steals the cow and takes it to O’Rozco’s, planning to then later ‘find’ it and be the hero, all the way blaming Todd for not tying the cow up properly. Melissa is on to him, and demands that they separate into quadrants and all search for it, insisting that she get the quadrant where O’Rozco’s is located. However when she goes there to look for it, the cow is gone. Phil then begins looking for it in earnest, but naturally Todd find the cow before him. To Phil’s surprise, Todd tells Phil that he’s going to give Phil the credit, since he feels the girls have been coming down to hard on Phil, and that he is already happy with everything he needs. Phil is touched, but has no problem grabbing all of the credit. Todd enjoys some milk on his cereal, and claims that it is his cheat day for his lactose intolerance. That night the Carol plants the cow in her room. Since cows are unable to go downstairs, she uses this as an excuse to demand that she move in with Phil, and he has no choice but to relent. 1/8/21
• 009. The Do-Over – 4/12/2015
  • Between Carol’s sleep apnea machine, her embellishment to his original works of art, and boxing up his porn magazines, Phil feels completely stifled and storms out of the house. After picking up the items that Carol asked him to – and then lighting them on fire – he pleads with God to give him a do-over. Just then a new car pulls up and out steps two attractive ladies, Gail Klosterman (Mary Steenburgen) and Erica Dundee (Cleopatra Coleman). Phil tells them that his name is Phil Cormanu and that he is the only one in town, goes back to their house to chate, and then makes plans to return to have dinner with them. He goes home to Carol with the items she requested plus some bonus gifts, and tells her that being alone has helped return the smile to his face, and then tells her that he wants to go camping alone that night. He returns to the ladies’ house, where Gail has prepared an amazing meal, and they feed him alcohol. He almost blows things when he refers to them as items on his bucket list – ‘a hot older woman and a black girl’ – but then tells them a sob story about his wife Carol… who he says passed away after a long illness. They promise to make him feel better and they head out to go skinny dipping. Back in the cul-de-sac, Carol dines with Todd and Melissa, and Melissa tells Carol that she simply doesn’t trust Phil, while Todd continues to defend him. Both Todd and Carol decide to do something special for Phil, so they head out to get some balloons to welcome Phil home. As the cars come closer to each other, everyone is excited to see new people… except for Phil, who is caught in the back seat of the car with his pants down as he was preparing to skinny dip. 5/3/21
• 010. Pranks for Nothin’ – 4/12/2015
  • Everyone is furious with Phil for lying to them, but Phil tries his best to maintain that it was all an elaborate prank to surprise everyone by introducing the new ladies to the others. He can’t convince any of them, so they all resort to the silent treatment. Phil tries to reciprocate with his own silent treatment, but it is ineffective, so he moves out and goes to live at the bar with his ball friends. He believes they will come to get him, but day after day, no one shows up. He gives himself a perm and poses at Phil’s twin brother Mike, but no one buys it for a second. He then overhears them all trash talking him, so he returns to the bar and gets drunk. He can’t understand why everyone hates him so much, but then remembers via flashbacks a huge number of times that he told everyone lies. He decides to come clean, so he visits them on the cul-de-sac and forces them to listen to his confessions: he wanted to swim with the naked girls, he wanted to have sex with Melissa for pleasure and not to re-populate, that he should have never gotten married to Carol, and that he had lied to Todd about co-writing Fields of Gold with Sting. He leaves, and later Carol comes to see him at the bar, and tells him that she agrees that things aren’t working with them as a couple, so she offers him divorce papers. He gladly signs them, then gives her a passionate kiss, still relieved that he can now refer to her to his ball friends as his ‘ex-wife’. 5/3/21
• 011. Moved to Tampa – 4/19/2015
  • Phil and Carol make the lighthearted announcement that they have amicably agreed to a divorce after three weeks of marriage. When Gail and Erica realize the short duration of the marriage, they start to pursue Phil again. He makes a 3pm appointment with Gail for sex, and a 5pm appointment to go hiking with Erica. Meanwhile, Todd makes Melissa heart-shaped pancakes and tells her how happy he is and that he loves her. But she does not return the sentiment to him, causing some anxiety on his part. He also mentions to Phil how there could be more men coming that could ruin everything. Phil heads out and spray paints over his billboard that says “Alive in Tucson”, and adds “Moved to Tampa.” However he gets stuck up there when the ladder topples over. He tries to shade himself from the beating sun, and winds up there for hours getting a horrible burn. Back home, he doesn’t show up for either date, and when Carol hears this, she assumes he must be dead. However a man who is also named Phil Miller (Boris Kodjoe) shows up in a truck with Phil in the back, having driven by and rescued him. Phil is not only extremely attractive, but very hand, so all of the ladies become smitten with him immediately. Todd becomes even more threatened, and starts to become passive-aggressive with Melissa. Once Phil recovers, he tries to hook up with Gail and Erica again, but they have the new Phil over. Phil calls a meeting as President of the United States, and they agree to a Jenga contest to see which of the Phil’s get to use the name. The original Phil loses the game, so he has to go by his middle name Tandy. He also gets jealous when Phil fixes Carol’s door, and she dresses up and makes him an apple pie and heads over for dinner with him. 8/26/21
• 012. The Tandyman Can – 4/26/2015
  • Phil, who seems to be able to do anything, is able to get the cow out of Carol’s room and they put her in a pen. Gail and Erica try to seduce Phil by inviting him over to fix their generator – which isn’t broken. All of the ladies start to compete for his affections, and they invite him to move in with them. However, Tandy preempts this by inviting Phil to move in with him, and he agrees. Phil finds a giant garbage truck to remove the trash from the garbage pool. Todd is aghast when he sees Melissa riding on the back of it, and forbids her from doing it again. When he thinks she’s going to break up with him, he breaks up with her first. He quickly starts sinking into an angry depression. Phil gets moved in with Tandy, and is able to fabricate a functioning hot shower. When Phil starts to take a shower, Tandy becomes self-conscious about his body, and tells his ball friends that he’s trying to establish dominance. He then starts to walk around the house naked, and gets caught by Erica. Carol and Gail bring over gifts for Phil, a scarf from Carol, and a hush puppies from Gail, and he seems to prefer Carol’s gift. At the next neighborhood meeting, Tandy becomes aggressive with Phil after Carol brags about how he cleaned out the garbage pool. Everyone decides to make Phil the new President. When Phil suggests a garden, Tandy says he’s already started a garden. When Phil asks to see it, Tandy works all night to actually create a garden, which he fills with jalapeno seeds. The next morning, he goes to get Phil to show him the garden, but Todd tells him that Phil has had sex with everyone. It turns out that he’s only allowed them all to take hot showers. Phil and Tandy make peace when Phil is impressed with the garden, and they become friends. However, that night Phil and Carol have passionate sex, which everyone in the neighborhood can hear. Tandy and Todd agree to kill Phil. 8/26/21
• 013. Screw the Moon – 5/3/2015
  • Todd starts to have second thoughts about killing Phil, and Tandy inadvertently admits that he had considered killing Todd. Phil overhears Tandy tell Todd that he hates Phil’s guts. also Tandy confronts Carol on the fact that she is sleeping with Phil without being married. He tries to reconcile with her by bringing her flowers and a bag of jewelry, and he tells her that he wrote her a song. Todd becomes even more depressed now that he’s found out what Tandy intended to do to him, and Melissa starts to feel sorry for him. They reconcile and agree to be friends, and Todd tells her again that he loves her. Although she says she does love him, she’s not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet. Phil unveils the fact that he has managed to convert solar energy into electric, and that he can power on a lamp. Tandy gets more jealous at all of Phil’s accolades, so he knocks the lamp over and breaks it. Phil insists that he pick it up, but Tandy denies what he did. Todd steps in and tells everyone that Tandy tries to kill him and planned to kill Phil, who then tells Tandy that he needs to leave town. Tandy barricades himself in his house and refuses to come out, surviving on eating toothpaste and toilet paper. Carol starts to feel bad for him and invites him to come back out and sing songs with everyone else. They are all happy to see him again, except for Phil, who tackles and him and drives him into the desert, giving him two days of supplies and instructions to walk away from Tucson. Tandy eats all of the rations in twenty minutes and sulks on the ground. Carol shows up and brings him more supplies and asks to hear the song that he wrote for her. He sings Screw the Moon, and she is so moved, that she suggests that the two of them leave together. She says she’d rather be with someone who couldn’t bring himself to leave a friend in the desert, than Phil, who could. Although Tandy cautions her that she is probably making a mistake, the two of them drive off together and start over… filling each other in on details of their lives. Meanwhile, Phil’s brother Mike (Jason Sudeikis) floats along in the International Space Station in outer space, looking for signs of life on Earth. 2/25/22

SEASON 2

• 014. Is There Anybody Out There? – 9/27/2015
  • Six months after Todd’s banishment from Tucson, he and Carol , who were remarried at Niagara Falls, are spending some time in the White House, and driving a stealth bomber around town. They entertain themselves for a while drinking tequila out of a kiddie pool in the Oval office, Carol trying on First Ladies outfits, and Phil playing hockey. Phil would like to settle here, but Carol doesn’t think it feels permanent. Phil has noticed this pattern as they’ve attempted to find places to live for the past six months. Phil then takes Carol back to her old hometown and offers to live in her old apartment in Madrid, Delaware, but it becomes clear that she wants to return to Tucson where the others are. Meanwhile, Mike floats along in the space station unable to spot anyone living on earth. He keeps company with a pair of worms named Terry and Nancy. He considers getting into the descent module but talks himself out of it since he doesn’t know how to pilot it and is afraid that he might catch the virus. Phil and Carol argue about returning to Tucson, as they move on to another location. Along the way, they stop at a gas station and while Phil is pumping, Carol gets out to check out the souvenirs. Phil accidentally drives off without her and doesn’t realize it for hours. Once he does, he attempts to return to all of the Speedy Pumps to see if he can find her. At one point, he’s sure he has found the correct location, but Carol is nowhere to be found. After waiting for several days, Phil decides she must be in Tucson, so he goes back there. He finds that his old house has been burnt down and there is no one to be found there either. Carol still waits at the gas station – an EMCO in Oklahoma – for Phil, while he sits alone in Tucson. Nancy the worm dies in space, and Mike releases him into outer space, and continues to simply float on. 2/26/22
• 015. The Boo – 10/4/2015
  • While Carol waits at the EMCO station in Oklahoma for any sign of Phil, and tries every idea on flagging him down, Phil explores the remains of his burnt down house and also tries to think of a way to contact Carol. When setting off balloons and sends a steamroller out both fail, he paint a giant message on every train leaving Tucson and sends them out on their tracks. Eventually Carol does in fact hear the train and spies the message. She drives back to Tucson and they are happily reunited. Since Phil’s place is burnt, they move into Carol’s place. Phil finds a note there that was left by Melissa for Carol, telling her that they left to go to Malibu and that she should join them. However, it explicitly says to not bring Tandy as it would not be safe for him. Like the ‘old Tandy’, he decides to hide the note from Carol. Phil has dreams that Carol finds the note and leave him, and when he tries to follow, Phil attacks him with a knife. He then wakes up into a second dream where he finds Melissa in bed with him, but she shoots him with a machine gun. Phil realizes how lonely Carol is, since he has his balls and she has no one, so he creates dummies of the other members of the group, including a much fatter Phil. When he realizes how sad she still is, he shows her the note. Since she loves him, she agrees not to go to Malibu. Likewise, he loves her, so he gets her drunk and takes her to Malibu anyway. They go in search of the group along the beaches and eventually find them all, along with an additional man named Gordon Vanderkruik (Will Ferrell) singing on the beach. Carol decides to go down and see them first to feel them out, but when she runs up and says ‘Boo!’, she gives Gordon a heart attack and he drops dead. 7/1/22
• 016. Dead Man Walking – 10/11/2015
  • The group holds a funeral for Gordon, who had been Gail’s partner, and Carol tries to make an apology for indirectly killing him. Considering the circumstances, Carol doesn’t say anything about Phil, and whenever someone asks, she manages to change the subject. Melissa shows her around the giant beach house that had belonged to Gordon where they are all now living. Phil is now dating Erica, but it is obvious he still has feelings for Carol, who apologizes to him for leaving so abruptly. Erica starts to resent Carol’s return. When Carol sees Gail mourning Gordon’s death on the beach, even though Gail admits that Gordon wasn’t that great of a person, she gets the idea to tell them all that Tandy is dead. She likewise heads to the beach to mourn. Phil approaches her and tells her that he has broken up with Erica and wants to spend his life with her. She also tries to get the group to remember nice things about Tandy, but no one can come up with anything. Carol tells them that Phil died saving her life when she tries to do a handstand on a lookout in the Grand Canyon, but then fell off and died himself. After continuing to try and build him up, Carol prepares to reveal that Tandy is still alive, but when he hears all of the terrible things everyone is saying about him, he doesn’t reveal himself after all. Carol comes to tell everyone that they are going to go back to Tucson, but winds up having a chat with them all how much Tandy has changed, and that he had come along to Malibu for her even though he was scared of the others. They are about to give him another chance, when Tandy appears holding them all at gunpoint. He alternately threatens to kill them if they move, while apologizing to each of them individually. After it is all over, they allow him to stay… but they put him in a stock for an undetermined amount of time. 7/1/22
• 017. C to the T – 10/18/2015
  • With Phil in the stocks, he tries to tell everyone that he has changed, as Melissa taunts him by bringing him water and putting in his hand which he cannot reach, and Phil fires a gun near his head to scare him. Carol insists that putting him in the stocks is cruel and unusual punishment, so Phil asks that he be put in workout room for solitary confinement for one week. Phil however is anxious to prove himself to the others that he has become a good person, so he asks for five weeks instead. He also tells everyone that he should be called Tandy again, emphasizing that since he did the crime, he needs to do the time. Tandy even willingly locks himself inside the room, but when he sees that the other have made cheese and are having a wine and cheese party, he sneaks out at night to eat some of the cheese. Melissa catches him outside his room, so they put an electric fence collar on him, the same as what the cow is wearing to keep him close. Tandy starts paying compliments to everyone who walks by, which annoys everyone. When Carol tells him how angry he is making everyone, he emphasizes again that if he did the crime, he needs to do the time. He has Carol buy a second collar that will spray citronella in his face whenever he speaks. When Melissa taunts him by putting a bucket of cold beer just out of his reach, he tries to get everyone’s attention by breaking some potted plants. He eventually gathers everyone and uses charades to tell them that since the citronella was his own idea, he should be able to take it off. Phil responds by putting him into a locked shed. That night he sees that one of the giant torches has fallen over and that the house is on fire. He knocks over the shed and escapes through the bottom, then crosses the invisible fence and endures a constant shock as he fills the beer bucket with pool water and puts out the fire. The next morning when everyone sees what he did, they release him from his electric fence prison and remove his collars. Still, no one wants to talk to him. Meanwhile, Melissa tells Carol that Todd has been acting strangely. Indeed, he frequently sneaks out in the middle of the night and wanders to one of the guest houses on the property. 10/24/22 
• 018. Crickets – 10/25/2015
  • As Phil still tries to get back in the group’s good graces, he tells a joke and they all hear crickets. They are thrilled when they literally hear them, and Carol begins catching them and cooking them into cricket casserole, since most of the canned goods are reaching expiration. Everyone thinks they are gross, but Tandy doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and he eats them. Likewise, it is clear that Phil still has feelings for Carol and happily eats them. While Tandy is out gathering more crickets, he sees Tandy coming from the guest house and enters behind him. He finds what has attracted Todd to the place: a freezer being run by solar power that is full of packages of bacon. Tandy then confronts Todd in the act of getting bacon and threatens to tell the others. Todd doesn’t want to share it, and Phil tells him that he was just kidding anyway, and then they start to eat the bacon together. Todd makes it clear that they are only getting along because of the bacon.  Meanwhile, Melissa cuts herself on one of the food cans and needs stiches. Gail wants to give her the stitches, but Melissa thinks she is always too drunk to do it. Eventually, she agrees for Gail to do it, so Gail gives Melissa alcohol, and although tipsy, manages to stitch her up. Carol gets tired of Phil flirting with her, so she tries to dress down in Melissa’s clothes. Erica is still irritated by the flirting, so Carol approaches her and tells her that she is trying to dissuade the flirting, but Erica is taking it out on her rather than Phil. Tandy and Todd have one final major binge on the bacon, and then Tandy cleans up the house, attaches the bacon wrapper bag to a Jet Ski and sends it out to sea, and then leaves the final three packages to the group as a surprise… giving Todd full credit. Everyone is thrilled with Todd, but when the Jet Ski returns out of the ocean with the bacon wrappers, Todd admits what he did. Phil tries to come to Todd’s rescue and takes the blame, but Todd won’t let him. They argue about who is to blame until they are both put in the stockades, which helps patch up things between them. Erica finally yells at Phil when he flirts with Carol again and tells him that he is making them both uncomfortable. 10/24/22
• 019. A Real Live Wire – 11/8/2015
  • Tandy is having trouble with the generator, so he is forced to eat his waffle batter raw. Because the fuel seems to have gone bad, he can’t get it fixed, and Phil reiterates that Malibu is a terrible long-term location for them to stay as they will soon run out of food and fuel. All of the women except for Carol agree that they should just live for the short-term and scrap any notion of having children. Phil gets annoyed with always the one being the voice of reason and the one doing the work, so he says he’s going to take some time off. Tandy jumps at the chance to take over doing things around the house for the good of the community, so he starts working on setting up the solar panels. Todd comes and lends a hand, but neither knows how to use wire the panels up to a junction box. They leave and go look for a junction box at the hardware store, and when they come back, they find that the live wire that is generating electricity is bouncing all around the patio and they have no idea how to stop it. They try covering up the solar panels with duvets, but that doesn’t work. Meanwhile, Carol speaks to the other women of the house and tries to convince them that they should have babies along with her, but none of them will budge. Tandy finally bites the bullet and turns to Phil for help, but Phil tells him that he’s taking a break and he is on his own. Phil tries to convince him that it is for the good of the community and that he should get over being jealous about Carol and just lend a hand. Phil blows his top when Tandy starts talking about Carol and punches him in the face. Everyone witnesses this, and they all blame Phil. Most of them suggest that he needs to be punished in the stocks, although Tandy acts more interested in smoothing things over. Phil refuses any punishment and retreats inside the house. No one can do anything but stare at the live wire, but Phil finally comes to the aid and switches the on/off switch on the panels which stops the flow of electricity. He tells them that he has thought about punching Tandy and has decides to leave Malibu on his own. As he is taking off, he entreats Carol one last time to come with him and tells her that he loves her and that she is too good for Tandy. She doesn’t give him an answer either way, but as Phil is packing the car, Erica tells Phil that she is pregnant. 2/28/23
• 020. Baby Steps – 11/15/2015
  • When Phil finds out that Erica is pregnant, he tries to apologize to her for his declaration of love to Carol, but Gail tries to keep him from speaking to her. Tandy becomes bitter toward Phil again for trying to steal Carol from him. Phil tries to make things right by making a cradle and other baby items out of wood, but Gail won’t let Erica even come see them. Tandy sees Phil moping by the furniture he made and struggles to keep his anger and not feel sorry for him. Tandy is excited when Gail asks him to pick up some chips for her at the store. He takes Todd with him and brings back every type of chip in order to get it right, but ultimately does not because she wanted the scoops, which Todd had suggested, and Phil scoffed at. Todd confesses that he’s upset that Melissa has changed her mind about having a baby. Tandy tells him that she’ll come around, and then is forced to tell Todd that she had once been willing to let Tandy impregnate her. Todd confronts her about it, and she tells him that she can’t really trust him after the bacon incident. They agree that they can’t trust each other, and Todd begins sleeping on the couch. Disillusioned that she hasn’t gotten pregnant yet, Carol starts giving away all of the “1st Baby of the New World’ clothing items she had made. When Erica tells Carol that she and Phil weren’t really even trying to have a baby, Carol goes out and fills up on pregnancy tests, checking and being disappointed once again. When Tandy sees Phil throwing away the cradle he made, he approaches Phil and suggests that he can make things right by getting into the stocks. Phil tells Tandy that he regrets not leaving him to die on the billboard, and that everyone’s life becomes worse when they encounter Tandy. Later, Tandy spots a drunken Phil passed out on the beach with the tide closing in on him. Tandy manages to get Phil on a surfboard and drag him back to the house. Tandy climbs in bed with Carol, and they begin to hear the sounds of Phil yelling for Tandy… from the stocks where Tandy has put him. 3/3/23
• 021. No Bull – 11/22/2015
  • Phil wakes up in the stocks, demanding that Tandy let him out. Tandy wants everyone to believe that Phil put himself in the stocks, but once he unveils him in them, their attention is diverted when they find that the cow has given birth to calves. This means that there must be a bull somewhere around. Todd suggests that they go look for the bull, bringing along some cow urine to attract the bull. Phil suddenly agrees that he needs to pay his dues, and he asks Tandy to let him out of the stocks so that he can go find the bull and then return to the stocks. Meanwhile, Mike continues to try to make contact with someone from the space station. Todd walks in on Gail making out with her Gordon mannequin, which embarrasses them both. Tandy gives everyone a speech about how important it is to find the bull, and he convinces them that they should let Phil out of the stocks. However, when he does, Phil takes off for Canada in the truck. While looking for the bull, Todd runs into Gail, and she explains to him that she misses Gordon so much that she pretends that the dummy is Gordon even though she knows it is nuts. Todd expresses his understanding and tells her what a mess his relationship with Melissa has come. Tandy accidentally drinks the cow urine. He then tells the group the bad news about Phil, which upsets Erica even more. Mike sends out more broadcasts, and thinks he hears some responses, which turn out to be his own voice echoing back. Todd and Melissa finally have it out and admit that they’re not making each other happy. Todd suggests that they take a little break, but Melissa suggests that they take a big break. He goes to tell Gail about it, and the two of them wind up kissing. At dinner that night, Tandy gives everyone a lecture about how they drove Phil away, passing out rocks and taking about how the person without sin should cast the first stone, pointing out everyone’s personal flaws. They all wind up in a group argument that goes on until Tandy throws a rock and breaks a window. The next day, they all sit around not speaking… when suddenly the bull walks by on their patio. They all shoot it with tranquilizer guns, and bull falls over. Phil walks up behind it and tells them all that he brought the bull back. Tandy thinks the bull will recover, but they all wind up having plates full of ribs for dinner. Phil offers to get back into the stocks, but everyone tells him to forget it and invite him to eat with them.  In space, Mike floats in the zero gravity conditions sucking on Nitrous Oxide. 7/30/23
• 022. Secret Santa – 12/6/2015
  • With Christmas coming up, Carol starts to decorate the house with a ridiculous number of decorations. She also proposes that they have a Secret Santa gift exchange with a one-billion-dollar limit. Everyone agrees and they all draw names. When Melissa makes a request for boots, Carol strikes it from the record so that everyone will come up with their own gifts. Todd and Gail carry on with their affair while keeping it secret from the others. Tandy asks everyone if they can invite Phil back into the house, and although Gail doesn’t want him, Erika agrees to let him in. Tandy is anxious to tell Phil the good news, and also tells him that he had drawn Erika and gives Phil the Hope Diamond to give her as a gift. Tandy is upset that Phil isn’t more appreciative of all he has done for him. Meanwhile in space, Mike gets into an argument with his worm Terry. He later apologizes and says that Terry is family and that he loves him, only to realize that he has died. Melissa tells Carol that she and Todd had broken up because they want different things, and she is clearly upset about it as well. When Phil returns to the house, he says he has someone he’d like to thank, but much to Tandy’s disappointment, he thanks God instead of Tandy. The group later starts their gift exchange with Erica giving Carol a theater seat from Oprah’s studio set and a green dress that belonged to J. Lo. Todd then gives Gail the ZZ Top Eliminator car, and they try to contain their affection for each other. Since Phil had originally drawn Tandy’s name, Tandy winds up with himself. He gets himself a new yacht and then blows it up on the water. Carol gives Melissa a pair of boots taht she made and added sequins to. Carol has also got her the boots she had asked for, but Melissa chooses to keep the boots that Carol made. Melissa gives Todd a Prom sash, scepter, and king’s house since they had been so cruel to him at his original prom. Gail got Phil nothing, so she hands him a nearby wicker ball. Phil sets up hospital equipment so that Erica can have a true Ultrasound and see the baby. Tandy becomes furious that he didn’t give her the Hope Diamond and decides to stop trying with Phil. However, when Phil asks Tandy to have a drink with him, Tandy jumps at the chance. As they all sing Christmas Carols, Melissa enters the room with her new boots and tells Todd that she likes herself better when she is with him and asks him to marry her. Just then Phil collapses to the floor with stomach pains. In space, all of the worms have died, so Mike decides to end his life by launching himself into space through the air lock, but when he notices a living baby worm in the container, he tries to abort the launch. Unfortunately, the abort fails, and he is sent into space. 8/15/23
• 023. Silent Night – 12/13/2015
  • Mike is launched into space but manages to pull himself back to the ship using a tether rope, where he introduces himself to the baby worm. Back in Tampa, the group tries to diagnose Phil, who insists that it is appendicitis, although Gail wants to ensure that it is not gas. Everyone looks to Gail to be able to remove the appendix, but she insists that she is nowhere near qualified to perform the surgery. Erika pleads with her to try to perform the surgery since he is the father of her unborn baby. She agrees to give it a shot and goes to work practicing on snack pies. Mike names the worm Phil and decides to take a chance on using the Descent module. Todd asks Melissa is she wants to talk about her proposal to him and tells her that he never wanted to hurt her. She infers that this means that the answer is no, but she plays it off as if it was no big deal. Later, when she and Carol go to the hospital to look for medical supplies, Melissa breaks down to Carol, but they agree to table talking about it until after Phil is healed. Gail sends Todd and Tandy to the hospital morgue so she can practice on a real body. While they are looking for a body, Todd tells Tandy that he was in a college hip-hop dance group call Body Lockers, and he shows off a few dance moves. They find that the bodies in the body lockers are all skeletons. The only body they know of that is still a cadaver with flesh is Gordon, so they dig him up, but Todd has a meltdown and says he can’t do it because he is sleeping with Gail. Tandy talks him into thinking about Phil, so they dig up Gordon and bring him back to the house. When they arrive, they find that Carol and Melissa found a plastic training cadaver. Although Gail doesn’t think she is ready, Phil crawls out of his room in pain, and they decide they need to operate immediately. As Mike is launching into the descent, and his capsule starts to careen wildly through space as it bursts into flames, Gail and Phil struggle with the surgery, where the open wound keep filling with blood, and as they are panicking, Phil flatlines. Alanna Vincente is the computer voice. 12/1/23
• 024. Pitch Black – 3/6/2016
  • Mike’s reentry capsule lands on top of an abandoned cruise ship and sinks it. Mike and his worm Phil find an aqua-cycle and they travel the ocean for several days and dreams of his brother Phil as a child (Jacob Tremblay) taunting him, before finding a seemingly abandoned yacht. Mike boards, eats some of the food on board, borrows some underwear, and then finds out that there is another man on board, who holds him at harpoon point. The man introduces himself as Pat Brown (Mark Boone Junior), who escaped the virus by boarding his yacht and heading out to see. He believes that he is the last man on earth, and only infrequently re-visits the mainland to pick up supplies while wearing a Hazmat suit. He believes that no one is immune and that there are no survivors, since he often anchors on the coast of large cities and has never seen a single light on the land. The two get to know each other, and Mike requests that they head to the land so that he can see for himself that there are no survivors and holds out hope of finding his brother and family. After first declining the request, Pat eventually acquiesces and agrees to take him to see the mainland in Miami. Pat shows Mike where all of the bodies are located, covered in blankets in a large lot of land. They drive around town in an ice cream truck and play a game of tennis. When Mike sees a large sign that says “Alive in Tucson”, Pat tries to drive him away from it, but Mike is adamant that he wants to go there. Pat knocks him out and begins sanitizing Mike’s Hazmat suit before they get back on the yacht. Mike desperately wants to pursue Tucson, but Pat insists that it was just a government crematorium for the living, so that survivors who are living in bunkers can eventually come out. Pat holds Mike at gunpoint, and when they struggle for the gun, Pat knocks him out again and then notices that his Hazmat suit has been ripped. Pat puts a blanket over him and leaves him in the burial lot, then heads out alone on his yacht. Mike wakes up in the lot and takes an ambulance and begins his trek to Tucson. 12/1/23
• 025. Valhalla – 3/13/2016
  • Tandy insists on having a Viking funeral for Phil, but when he tries to shoot the flaming arrows onto his coffin after sending him into the ocean, he can only get them sailing a few feet away. Meanwhile, Gail starts to get annoyed when Todd keeps calling her ‘Bub’ to keep their relationship hidden from Melissa. With Carol annoyed that Todd refused Melissa’s proposal, Tandy spills the beans that he is seeing Gail. She wants to tell Carol, but Tandy swears her to secrecy. Melissa begins drinking heavily in the wake of being rejected. Tandy struggles with Phil’s death and writes him a song called The Story of Us. Todd finds Melissa biting the sequins off her boots while she is wearing them, so he wants to make sure she is doing okay and accepts an invitation to watch TV with her. In order to feel closer to Phil, Tandy starts wearing his clothes, but when he finds Phil’s driver’s license and realizes his middle name was Stacy, he starts to resent that he lied about having a middle name. Furthermore, he repairs the baby cradle and offers to help Erica raise the baby as his own. She tells him that one of Phil’s last words was to not let Phil raise his baby. This gets Phil upset enough to create an effigy of Phil and shoot arrows at it. Although Gail is feeling guilty about Phil’s loss, it is making her horny for Todd, but he has to decline her offer for sex because he told Melissa he would watch TV with her. While they are in bed watching TV, Melissa kisses him and he kisses her back. Melissa tells Carol about this, so Carol tells Todd how disappointed she is with him. Tandy goes to the beach to burn all of Tandy’s things since he so bitter toward him now. While he is there, he sees Phil’s coffin wash up on the shore. As he starts screaming at it, Erica comes out and they give Phil a proper burial on the beach. Steven Pierce and Kyle Stivers are the sports anchors on TV. 4/10/24
• 026. Fish in the Dish – 4/3/2016
  • While Tandy is practicing racquetball in the living room, Carol asks Tandy to take a fertility test since she had not gotten pregnant yet. However, she doesn’t want him to use conventional pornography and instead wants him to look at her paintings of highly successful women like Janet Reno, Amelia Earhart, and Billie Jean King. Meanwhile, Todd is sleeping with both Gail and Melissa, and feeling more and more guilty about it. He tries to tell Gail about it, but she then tells him that she has put away her Gordon dummy because she now has Todd. Tandy’s first test shows that he is infertile, so he retakes it several times, all with the same results. When he notices that they are expired, he asks Todd to take one as well to use as a test. Tandy answers some of Carol’s questions to see if there are reasons that he might be infertile. He admits that he loves marijuana, that he had been hit in the testicles many times with his friends when they would play a game called ‘nut punch’, and that he overly masturbates. While Todd is trying to figure out a way to tell the ladies about having affairs with both, Erika tells him that Phil had told her to ask Todd if he would be a father to their child. He not only accepts the request, but he kisses Erika as well. He later runs down the beach screaming that he is a monster and mounts a Jet Ski to take a ride out on the ocean. Todd’s test comes back that he is fertile, so when Tandy fails yet another test, he shows Carol Todd’s results and claims them as his own. Carol then thinks that it must be her who is infertile, so she tries doing acupuncture on herself by putting push pins in her face. Later, when all four ladies are sitting out on the beach, Tandy approaches to tell Carol the truth, but he is interrupted by Todd riding back up onto the shore. He admits that he is sleeping with both Gail and Melissa, and that he has kissed Erika. He then requests that since he cares so much about all of them, that they have an open relationship between them all. Before they can answer, Tandy admits to Carol that it is him who is infertile. Before she can respond, Todd’s brother Mike comes running up the beach. Tandy rushes off toward him, and as they near each other, Phil punches him in the crotch. 4/18/24

This entry was posted on Friday, March 31st, 2000 at 3:42 pm and is filed under Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.