The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – ABC

Theme music composed by Neil Hefti

NOTE: This series is based on the 1965 stage play of the same name by Neil Simon. The play was followed up by a film adaptation with the same title in 1968

• 001. The Laundry Orgy – 9/24/1970
  • The fastidious photographer Felix Unger (Tony Randall) and the perpetual slob sportswriter Oscar Madison (Jack Klugman) are divorcees living together in an apartment in Manhattan. Oscar has arranged a double date with their neighbors the Pigeon sisters Gwendolyn (Carole Shelley) and Cecily (Monica Evans), but Felix doesn’t want to disappoint their friends Vinnie Barella (Larry Gelman), police officer Murray Greshler (Al Molinaro), Homer “Speed” Deegan (Gary Walberg), and Roy (Ryan MacDonald) by cancelling their poker game that night. They agree to play for a while before their date, and despite Oscar’s best efforts to get the fellows to leave, they continue playing, even when he cranks up the heat in the apartment. Eventually the girls show up, but Felix feels they should let the boys finish their game, so they all head down to the laundry room to play music and do laundry. The friends then vote to let Oscar and Felix have their place back, but even when they get the sisters alone, Felix can’t help but get them involved in the cleaning of the apartment. The sisters eventually wear themselves out from working and head home. Oscar is irate and Felix is ready to move out… but they end up making up and realizing they need each other to help each other with their flaws. William Woodson is the lead-in narrator. 6/29/16

• 002. The Fight of the Felix – 10/1/1970
  • Oscar comes home late one night with a black eye that he received at the hands of pro hockey player Splint McCullough (Richard X. Slattery). Oscar’s idea of revenge is to trash him in his next column, but Felix feels he must head to the bar and confront Splint, who tells him the fight was over Oscar making a pass his girlfriend Irma (Ann Elder). Irma finds Felix to be sensitive and ends up kissing him on the cheek, which arouses Splint’s ire again. Felix will only agree to fight him in a boxing ring at the gym. However when they get there, Felix insists on everything being regulation and employees the gym owner Feldman (Fabian Dean) as the referee. When Felix’s back locks up and Splint still tries to continue with fight, Oscar stands up for him and gets punched again… which causes Irma to walk out on the violent Splint. Oscar and Felix are indebted to each other for looking out for one another. Peter Dawson is the bartender. 6/30/16
• 003. Felix Gets Sick – 10/8/1970
  • Oscar is ecstatic that he was the weekend off work and alone and a date with a stewardess named Barbara (Bridget Hanley), but then finds Felix in his room sick with a fever, having returned early from Washington. Although Oscar won’t go on the date and leave Felix alone, he makes Felix agree to be quiet so that he can stay in with Barbara, who likes being up front and honest about everything. Felix tries to be quiet but eventually gives his presence away, causing Barbara to spend the evening nursing him. Oscar gets another date with her for Sunday night, but is bored being confined to the apartment on a rainy day. He ends up inviting Vinnie, Roy, Murray, and Speed over for poker, but Felix keeps asking them to speak louder so he can feel like he’s part of the game. They eventually bring the game into Felix’s room, but he disrupts it when he gets a foot cramp. During dinner that night with Barbara, Oscar pretends to call Felix to appease Barbara, but when he returns to the table, Barbara is gone and Felix is there. He had come from home to give her a message that she is needed at work, ruining another date. After Felix recovers he has a date with Mary Ann (Beryl Hammond), but Oscar comes home sick. When he sees that Felix is going to end his date, he tells Felix it was a joke and that he is okay and leaves the apartment. 9/1/16 
• 004. The Jury Story – 10/15/1970
  • While on a date with the Pigeon Sisters, Felix insists on watching the news, where they see that a man named Leo Garvey has been released after seven years of a ten year sentence, during which he studied to go into the clergy. Felix and Oscar explain that Leo was responsible for their meeting when they were assigned to jury duty to decide his assault case. Despite the fact that every juror thinks he is guilty, Felix is the lone holdout causing the jury to have to spend the night in hotel rooms. Felix and Oscar are assigned to be roommates, where they find themselves completely incompatible with nothing to talk about, and Felix keeping Oscar up all night by having the window open, clearing his sinuses, and popping his ears. The next day Felix still will not find the Garvey guilty, so the jury decides to vote him ‘not guilty’… but Felix won’t have any of that either. Eventually the jury turns on him and nearly attacks him, but Oscar intervenes and points out that Felix has demonstrated how a person could drive another to violence, and they all vote ‘not guilty’. Oscar explains to the Pigeon sisters that Garvey was actually sentenced to prison after being locked in the courthouse elevator for hours with Felix after the trial, and then going crazy and attacking his rescuers. Jury members include Bobby Baum as Mr. Welk, Barney Martin as Mr. Moss, and Eve McVeagh as Mrs. Lachman. Peter Virgo, Sr. is the Bailiff. 9/1/16
• 005. The Breakup – 10/22/1970
  • Oscar has a horrible hangover, and Felix annoys him so much by making noise and waking him that Oscar kicks Felix out of the apartment. Felix goes to stay with Murry and his wife Mimi (Alice Ghostley), but soon Felix drives them crazy when he shoots a hole through one of Murray’s paintings. Oscar relishes being alone, but his date with Gwen goes awry when she starts to notice Oscar’s sloppiness and starts missing Felix. Felix then heads to Vinnie’s but quickly gets on his nerves as well. His next stop is the Pigeon sisters, but even they find Felix’s regiment lifestyle too annoying. Meanwhile the garbage, clutter, and dishes are piling up at Oscar’s and Roy is advising him that he can’t afford the apartment alone. A maid even refuses to be hired because of the mess. When Felix gets kicked out of the Pigeon sisters’ place, he runs into Oscar and they make amends. Felix moves back in, but is appalled by the condition of the apartment. Oscar on the other hand is appalled when Felix makes him boysenberry-clam juice when he in the throes of another hangover. 11/19/16
• 006. Oscar’s Ulcer – 10/29/1970
  • Despite Felix’s warnings that he needs to slow his pace, Oscar’s hectic lifestyle leads to an ulcer flare-up. After Felix gets Dr. Melnitz (Bill Quinn), who has a nervous condition of his own, to diagnose him, Felix tries to force Oscar to live a healthier lifestyle. When the guys have a double date with Marilyn (Timothy Blake) and Donna (Marlene Tracy), Felix will only allow Oscar to drink milk, and the to alleviate Oscar’s suspense, Felix asks Marilyn point bank if Oscar is going to score with her. Felix begs Oscar to give him one week to cure his ulcer so that he can chase all the girls he wants afterward. Felix makes Oscar relax, and cancels the poker game in favor of a talk circle, but he won’t let anyone talk about anything stressful or stimulating. The boring conversation causes Oscar to flee and head to a Mexican restaurant to watch the baseball game while flirting with Lupe the waitress (Marti Litis). Felix threatens to move out when Oscar blames him for giving him the ulcer. Dr. Melnitz advises him to stay because Oscar, as a yeller, needs someone to be yelled at, so they agree to stay together. Two weeks later, Oscar is doing better… until he gets the doctor bill. Allan Kent is Joe McClusky. Ben Frommer is Gonzales the restaurant patron. 11/20/16
• 007. I Do, I Don’t – 11/5/1970
  • Felix heads off to be the Best Man at the wedding of his friends Harvey Bixley (George Furth) and Phyllis Parker (Joyce Van Patten) leaving Oscar at home. Soon Phyllis shows up at the apartment angrily looking for Felix, blaming him for ruining the wedding and her life. She recounts how Felix broke down crying at the wedding rehearsal in front of the minister (Richard Stahl), because it reminded him of his wedding with his ex-wife Gloria Schaeffer. Felix arrives at the apartment and advises her that he had tried to pick Harvey up and he wasn’t there, but Felix later found him at his favorite place to go: the movies seeing the movie A Man and a Woman, a love story which makes him long for a more perfect relationship. Felix sends Oscar to the movies to talk some sense into Harvey, which he does successfully. However, by the time they get back to the apartment, Felix has shown Phyllis the transcript of his divorce and turned him off to marriage. The next day Felix and Oscar go to the unemployment office where Harvey and Phyllis both work. They convince Harvey to talk to her, and once he becomes assertive and says he understands that life won’t be like the movie, they end up finally getting married. Garry Marshall and Leonard Ross both appear as angry movie patrons. 3/4/17
• 008. Oscar the Model – 11/12/1970
  • Account executive Rudy Mandell (Albert Brooks) pushes Felix to use Oscar as a Mandar cologne model since he has a ‘now’ face. Oscar reluctantly agrees to the job to get the $30 an hour and to work with the beautiful models Tracy Keenan (Dee Gardner), Loretta Steele (Timothy Near), and Gabriella (Victoria Thompson). The session goes so poorly, culminating with Oscar turning off the models and exposing Felix’s film, that he fires Oscar. Rudy demands that he get him back since he’s already shown them to the company president Mr. Whitehill (Peter Brocco). It takes a lot of persuasion, but Oscar finally agrees to come back. On the second go-around with Oscar dressing as a matador, Felix is driven crazy again and threatens to quit, and although Whitehill likes his spunk, he fires Felix. When Oscar sticks up for Felix, he is fired as well. Later they see that the ad campaign was used… but with a blank spot over Oscar’s face that reads “put yourself in his place.” David Warren Duclon is the messenger. 3/4/17
• 009. The Big Brothers – 11/19/1970
  • Felix signs up for the Big Brothers program, hoping that Oscar will participate as well. They are assigned a boy named Randy Grainger (Clint Howard), whose mother (Janice Carroll) drops him off with the men. Felix tries to entertain him with stamp collecting and classical music, but he is quickly drawn to Oscar’s love of sports. Felix can sense this, so gives Oscar his tickets to take Randy to the opera. They end up skipping the opera and go to a pool hall, where Randy picks up a litany of bad habits. Felix apologizes to Ms. Grainger, and forces Oscar to clean up his act. Oscar cleans up his room and works on his manners, but at the last minute decides it would be dishonest to be someone he is not. When Randy returns, his mother tells Felix that it is nice that Randy got some male influence and doesn’t have a problem with him behaving like a boy. Oscar rushes to grab Randy to take him to play baseball, but also convinces him to tell Felix that he’d like to spend more time with him as well. 8/21/17
• 010. It’s All Over Now, Baby Bird – 12/3/1970
  • Oscar returns from a job in Canada, and gets the news that Felix’s parrot Albert is on death’s door. Oscar couldn’t care less about the welfare of the bird, and even when the bird passes away, Oscar is more interested in securing dates with the Pigeon sisters rather than sympathizing with Felix. The sisters however want to help Felix give Albert a funeral as they toss him in the garbage. In order to not appear the heavy, Oscar agrees to help with the arrangements, and the men set out to bury the bird in the East River. Felix changes his mind when he sees how dirty the river is, so they head to the park where an undercover police officer (Ken Swofford) stops them from digging a hole in the park. They then visit a pet mortuary where the director Mr. Humus (James Millhollin) where Oscar pays $150 for the plot, casket, and headstone. Humus hosts a funeral for Albert, with the Pigeon sisters and Alberts vet Dr. Schneider (Damian London) in attendance. Schneider finds out that Felix has simply given the Albert too much medicine, and soon Albert wakes up having merely been in a drug-induced coma. Albert then flies out the window. Oscar can’t get his money back, so he kills a fly and forces Humus to continue the funeral for his beloved fly Sol. Albert returns to the apartment the next day. 8/21/17
• 011. Felix Is Missing – 12/10/1970
  • Felix is called by his friend and magazine publisher Rudy Mandell (Albert Brooks) to come up to Canada to do a photo shoot for Lifestyle Publication, and he quickly packs and leaves Oscar a note as to his whereabouts. However when Oscar comes home, he doesn’t see the note and accidentally throws it away. Days later Felix is snowed in at the hotel in Canada with Rudy and two models named Jeannie (Anitra Ford) and Priscilla (Therese Baldwin), but without his wallet that he left in the airline counter. Days later, Oscar and his poker buddies are starting to miss Felix when Murray comes and gets them to have them identify Felix in the morgue. It turns out to be a bum named Sam that another bum (Johnny Silver) eventually identifies. Sgt. Flanagan (Lloyd Gough) questions Oscar, Vinnie, Roy, and Speed about Felix, and all of them mention how many times Oscar had threatened Felix since they moved in together. When they return home, they hear Felix in his bedroom, having returned safe and sound. He immediately beings driving Oscar crazy again. Jerry Jones is the attendant. 2/21/18
• 012. Scrooge Gets an Oscar – 12/17/1970
  • As Christmas approaches, Oscar is in a foul mood thanks to his alimony payments, and as Felix tries to cheer him up and brings in a Christmas tree to lighten the mood during a poker game, Oscar blows his top and throws him out. This is even more distressing to Felix and the poker buddies, because they are relying on him to portray Ebeneezer Scrooge in the police charity play. Knowing that Oscar won’t budge, each of the guys gives the part a try, but none seem to capture the spirit. Meanwhile Oscar alone in the apartment falls asleep in front of the TV and dreams that Felix is Jacob Marley on the TV, suddenly coming alive in the apartment. Marley accompanies Ebeneezer Madison to visit himself as a disappointed boy who didn’t get a pony for Christmas, to see his employee Bob Cratchit, actually Felix, and his son Tiny Tim, actually Murray, and finally to see his own desolate grave. Oscar wakes up and stops Felix from moving out, declaring that he is his best friend. He also agrees to perform the play, which Felix has no problem critiquing. Felix and Oscar affectionately exchange Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve. Ogden Talbolt is the messenger boy. 2/25/18
• 013. The Blackout – 12/24/1970
  • Oscar asks Felix and all of their friends for a loan, since he has been bouncing checks. When Oscar asks that lightning strike him if he bounces another, which correlates to a power surge. As the superintendent Mr. Lambretti (Herbie Faye) works on fixing it, the guys show up for a poker game, but it is nearly cut short when the power goes out again as Lambretti works to fix it. The guys get a visit in the dark from a neighbor’s new maid Inga (Cynthia Lynn), but once the power comes back on, she leaves and the poker game resumes. They all notice that $50 is missing from the kitty, but no one will admit taking it. Felix requests that the lights are put out to see if anyone will return it, and when the lights come on, they are surprised to see that the money has returned. Everyone leaves, and Felix tells Oscar that everyone thinks he stole the money and the had in fact returned the money. Oscar maintains his innocence and calls everyone including Inga back in the middle of the night to re-create the scene of the crime. Felix makes a discovery when he finds Oscar’s sandwich and realizes that he had accidentally put the bill on it and even took a bite of it. With the crime solved, Oscar warns the guys about assuming someone is guilty, and then invites them all to stay for another hand. The next day Felix and Inga go shopping together. 11/6/18
• 014. They Use Horseradish, Don’t They? – 1/7/1971
  • Felix is honing his cooking skills in order to enter a contest to win the Golden Apron and a new kitchen set. Oscar is getting irritated by the taste tests he is asked to perform, but changes his tune  and joins him at the contest when he sees that a pair of girls, the single Sharon (Francine York) and married Doria (Margot Nelson) are enamored with Felix and his cooking. Felix is among the three finalists, as is Barbara Arcola (Marlyn Mason), whom Oscar asks out. Felix doesn’t approve of their relationship, because Barbara had previously been caught stealing someone else’s recipe. When Barbara accuses Oscar of not trusting her, Oscar proves that he does by giving her Felix’s secret gravy recipe of beer and mustard. Oscar feels terrible and agrees to be Felix’s assistant when Felix’s nerves render him unable to move his arms. At the contest, Barbara apologizes and says she was only trying to impress her boyfriend by winning the contest, but has decided it would be wrong to use the stolen recipe. Oscar helps him prepare the meal but ends up ruining the appearance of the pot roast. Felix turns it into beef stew and ends up winning, but because it was not what he set out to make, he passes his winning prize on to Barbara, making a rousing speech about honesty. Walter Janovitz and Louis De Farra are the judges. 11/6/18
• 015. The Hideaway – 1/14/1971
  • Oscar brings home a rising star Alaskan Eskimo quarterback named Ernie Wilson (Reni Santoni), who is being hounded with college offers, to help hide him away and help him make his decision. As Oscar, who is planning to get 10 percent of income, entertains offers from various sources, but is eyeballing a former cowboy star named Slim Daniels (Dub Taylor). Felix however is visited by Efram Goodchild (Cliff Osmond) from the Eastern Conservatory of Music, who is offering Ernie a full scholarship for his cello playing. Felix is able to talk Ernie into following his musical dreams rather than football, and convinces Oscar to fend off the sports offers. After Oscar has burned his bridges, Felix finds out that Ernie’s playing is actually terrible. He invites Goodchild back, and he admits the music is terrible, but they only wanted him so they could have a token Eskimo. Thankfully, Slim Daniels visits with his entourage – including his former sidekick Grubby (Patrick Crenshaw) – and makes Ernie a $100,000 offer. Oscar refuses to take his cut, and advises Ernie to get a real lawyer to check out the deal. 8/17/19
• 016. Lovers Don’t Make House Calls – 1/29/1971
  • After taking out his ex-wife Gloria and eating mayonnaise, Felix comes home sick as a dog. Since his normal physician Dr. Melnitz (Bill Quinn) is out of town, Oscar calls for another doctor who turns out to be the attractive Nancy Cunningham (Joan Hotchkis). Oscar immediately falls in love when he finds Nancy especially adept at sports knowledge. He pursues her at her office, but has to make an appointment to see her, but since there is a flu epidemic going on, they are constantly interrupted by Dr. Melnitz and the nurse (Nora Marlowe). She coldly rebuffs him, but Oscar doesn’t give up and suggests that Felix get sick again to receive another house call, nearly going so far as to sneak mayonnaise into Felix’s tuna. Depressed, Oscar walks around in the rain and gets the flu himself. Although he demands that Felix not call Nancy, Felix does just that, and tracks her down to where she is having dinner with Melnitz. She finally agrees to treat him, and while doing so, softens to having a date with him once he gets better. When that day comes, their dinner is interrupted by Felix, who drags her away to treat Gloria, who has now caught the flu bug. 8/17/19
• 017. Engrave Trouble – 2/5/1971
  • Felix is excited to go on a double date with Oscar, but by the time Oscar showers, Felix has changed his mind and called it off after being reminded of Gloria when he heard their song Just One More Chance. Oscar decides that he needs to get Felix back with her, and they come up with the idea for Felix to get back a watch he had gotten her and change the inscription from ‘To Gloria – a Good Sport’ to ‘ Just One More Chance.’ Oscar takes it to his jeweler friend Louie (Herb Vigran), but Louie is robbed and the watch is stolen. Oscar takes them to his florist friend (Richard Stahl), who has ties with the underworld, and he refers him to local criminal Bill Green (Michael Constantine). Green is initially reluctant to help for the mere $25 that Felix offers him, but then hears Felix’s sob story and looks at his family pictures and agrees to help. He vows to drop the watch off at their apartment elevator later that day. The guys wait in the elevator, and although they think that one man (Vern E. Rowe) is the drop-off man, he turns out to just be a fussy tenant, and another guy (Frank Loverde) who gives him a small box turn out to just be a toothbrush salesman. They then find that the watch was already on the elevator the entire time. Later Oscar finds out that the plans didn’t work out with Gloria because the original thief has had the watch engraved with a tacky inscription causing Gloria to run out crying. She later forgives him, but Bill Green breaks into her house and steals the watch. 3/15/20
• 018. Bunny Is Missing Down by the Lake – 2/12/1971
  • Oscar is excited to go on a solo fishing trip in the mountains, but when Felix becomes especially depressed after finding out the Gloria is dating, he forces Felix to come along. Felix mopes his way through it, while Oscar oversleeps and misses his chance to fish before it starts pouring down rain. Things start to look up when an attractive woman named Julie Thomas (E.J. Peaker) comes to the door and says that she and three other girls were sightseeing and are now lost and stranded. Oscar is excited to have four ladies over, but it turns out that the other three are young girls who are part of Camp Wesoky: the snotty Cindy (Pamelyn Ferdin), Lois (Gloria McCartney), and the very shy and outcast Bunny (Lisa Gerritsen). The other girls make fun of Bunny, but Felix connects with her because she likes Shakespeare. Oscar convinces Julie to give Felix some special attention to cheer him up. Once the rain stops, they go for a walk, leaving Oscar behind to attempt to entertain the girls. Felix’s walk is interrupted when Oscar reports that they were playing hide and seek and Bunny is now missing. Oscar and Felix go looking for her until late in the evening in the woods, and finally locate her. Bunny admits she was jealous of Felix and Bunny spending time together. They agree to meet twenty years from then if neither is married. Oscar and Bunny exchange numbers and promise to meet up. 3/15/20
• 019. You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby – 2/19/1971
  • Felix and Oscar are slated to do Abbott and Costello’s Who’s on First routine at the Sportswriters Dinner Toast & Roast, and Oscar impatiently waits for Felix to get home from a day of photographing babies. Felix comes home with an Asian baby that was inadvertently left at the studio by his mother. Oscar is in a panic because he wants to get to the dinner, while Felix wants to wait until the mom realizes she has taken home one of the dolls he uses to set up lightning. Oscar doesn’t want his date Nancy Cunningham to see the baby because she might cause him to be late to the dinner, but when she arrives Felix immediately needs her help to stop the baby from crying. She leaves to go get supplies for the baby, and Murray the cop stops by. Felix is afraid that Oscar called the police to report that the baby has been abandoned, but he has merely left his gun at the apartment while he was over playing poker the night before. In the meantime Oscar has hidden the baby in the hall, but after Murray leaves, they realize that he is gone. Their neighbor, the aspiring child detective Phillip Ferguson (Christopher Shea) has taken it assuming it might be involved in a spy scenario. They demand he return the baby, but when he hands off the bassinet it contains a chihuahua. The guys have to meet with Mrs. Ferguson (Jessica Myerson) to make the dog-baby trade. Felix wants to continue trying to get hold of the mother, but Oscar can’t wait and calls Murray back. Nancy feels bad for the mother and decides to wait with Felix, until Oscar agrees to stave off Murray once again by telling him he simply wanted to make sure that Murray had the right gun. However when Murray sees the baby supplies, they are forced to tell him the truth. Murray insists on making out a report, but the worried mother Mrs. Lee (Lisa Lu) shows up. She explains that she had to leave while the baby’s picture was being taken, she left to run an errand and had car trouble… but eventually devolves into speaking only Chinese. They scramble off to the dinner, but they lost the routine contest. They argue about who didn’t pull their weight, and then go through the entire rapid-fire routine for Nancy. 6/26/20
• 020. A Taste of Money – 2/26/1971
  • While Oscar is busy trying to write a column to meet a deadline, the 11-year old neighbor boy Phillip interrupts him and challenges to arm wrestle. They bet $1000, and when Oscar wins, Phillip lays out $1000 on it. Stunned, the guys try to find out where Phillip got the money but he will only say that he robbed a bank. With Phillip’s parents out of town, they question the Fergusons’ housekeeper Alicia (Queta De Acuna aka Henriquetta Senalada) but she can barely speak English. Oscar and Felix then head to the bank and ask the president Mr. Larkin (Howard Morton) if any has been missing. One teller named Mr. Skyler (William O’Connell) has in fact claimed to have been robbed, but when Felix says he knows who took the money, Skyler ends up confessing to the crime. When they return home, they find that Phillip has now come up with an additional $1000, so Oscar feels they have no choice but to notify the police. Murray comes over and they stage a mock interrogation under bright lights, but Phillip seems to enjoy it too much. They have Murray act as if he is going to arrest Oscar and Felix for the crime, so Phillip finally admits that he found it in a bag in a trash can in an alley. Oscar and Felix stake out the trash can until the owners Max Turner (Peter Brocco) and Sam Mitchell (John Qualen) show up to throw away some trash. Max and Sam are 35-year divorced roommates as well, and share a lot of similarities with Oscar and Felix. Sam is incredibly sloppy and Max is a neatness freak. When asked if they recently lost any money, they claim they have very little money to lose and pull out their bag of money…which they find has been replaced with a bag of garbage. Max had accidentally swapped them while cleaning. Oscar and Felix return the money, and they send them with a reward for Phillip: a giant ball of silver foil. From then on, Oscar and Felix vow they will both go through the garbage before throwing it away, but Felix later lets Oscar down when he attempts to throw away his lucky sneaker and napkin with a woman’s number on it. 6/27/20
• 021. Oscar’s New Life – 3/5/1971
  • When Oscar skips covering a badminton championship game, he misses part of the story when one of the players shoots the referee, and consequently is fired by his boss Bill Donnelly (Edward Platt). This is apparently an exercise that Donnelly goes through every year, always taking Oscar back. This time however, Felix interferes and goes to Donnelly and demands that Oscar be taken back. This time Donnelly tells Felix that now he is fired for good, and this news is relayed back to Oscar by an apologetic Felix. When Felix is doing a photo shoot for a model (Dee Gardner) for Harem magazine, he introduces Oscar to Beau Buffingham (John Astin), the publisher of the girlie mag. Buffingham is a fan of Oscar’s writing, so he offers him a job, that comes complete with a 20 percent raise, flexible hours, and a luxury office with a bed hidden behind the book shelf. Oscar starts to love his surroundings, and even accepts an invite to one of Buffingham’s swinging parties. Felix is invited to go, although he has reservations about whether Oscar will like that sort of party. Sure enough Oscar is bored stiff during the party, and steals away to his office to watch sports on his portable TV. Oscar finally admits to wishing he had his old job back. Felix goes back to Donnelly to plead for Oscar on his part, but finds that he has already hired his nephew Morris (Britt Leach), who is clearly bumbling through the job. Donnelly finally admits that he really does need Oscar back. Felix embellishes the offer from Donnelly, but then just admits that he wants to talk to Oscar. He takes the job, but still keeps a couple of Harem girls around to do his and Felix’s nails. George Wyner is the Harem art director Hal. Carolyn Stellar is Oscar’s secretary. Liv Von Linden and Rana Horten are two of the beautiful girls. 10/11/20 
• 022. What Makes Felix Run – 3/12/1971
  • Felix is desperately trying to get back with his ex-wife Gloria, but he comes home depressed and interrupts Oscar’s date with Nancy because Gloria has thrown him out again. Apparently he not only tried to re-arrange her piano, but took his salad into the kitchen to wash off the lettuce because it was gritty. Felix is so upset he can’t sleep at night and keeps Oscar up at night lamenting that everyone objects to his cleanliness. Via flashback, he even recalls the day his grandfather (Tony Randall) had to tell the young version of himself (Johnny Scott Lee) that no one likes a clean boy. Oscar makes him a strong drink to get him to fall asleep, and he dreams that he dies from disgust when he finds lipstick on his glass, and goes to heaven, where Oscar is St. Peter. When Felix begins to criticize Oscar’s sloppiness, tangled phone, and dirty wings, Oscar sends him directly to the other place. Felix wakes in a panic and begs Oscar to help him get past his fastidiousness. Oscar arranges to get Gloria to agree to making Felix dinner again, then starts teaching Felix how to be sloppy by putting his feet up on the coffee table and throwing a wrapper and his clothes on the floor. He then covers Felix with his dirty clothes, old papers, and cigarette ashes. Felix goes into shock, and Oscar has to get Nancy to come take care of him. When Felix comes out of it, he is sloppier than he’s ever been, spilling things all over the apartment and walking around with his shirt completely unbuttoned. Nancy finds out from a colleague that he may be suffering a schizoid aberration that can be cured with throwing water into his face. Oscar sprays him with seltzer, and he immediately freaks out about the mess. Later he returns from his date with Gloria covered in an ice cream sundae, after telling Gloria that if his dress was as tight as hers, she might consider eating a sundae. 10/12/20
• 023. What Does a Naked Lady Say to You? – 3/19/1971
  • Felix’s date Madelyn (Marj Dusay) comes to pick him up for a date while he and the boys are playing poker. Oscar tells the guys she is a really nice librarian, but Murray can’t shake the feeling that he’s seen her elsewhere. Suddenly he remembers that he’s arrested her for public indecency. She is the star of an Off Broadway show called Bathtub, that features the actors nude. Oscar decides to go see it for himself, and while there he runs into Vinnie, Speed, and a bum (Johnny Silver) who insists he recognizes Oscar. He is also annoyed by a character from the show called Rubber Ducky (Harvey Skolnik aka Harvey Miller). Sure enough Madelyn does in fact make her entrance and strips nude. After the show, Oscar finds out from the show’s producer (Frank Alesia) where Madelyn’s dressing room is, and goes to see her. He tells her that he can’t allow her to continue to lie to Felix. She agrees to tell him during their next date, but she chickens out and tells Felix that she’s leaving for a library job in Peru. Oscar then tells her the truth and takes her to show to see her. Felix is aghast and rushes the stage to cover her up, causing a riot, and the Murray and the cops to come. Murray lets Oscar and Felix off the hook, but is forced to arrested Madelyn again. Felix tells her that he could have accepted what she did, but is hurt that she lied to him. Felix is depressed, so Oscar accepts a dinner date for him with Felix’s ex-wife Gloria. 1/29/21
• 024. Trapped – 3/26/1971
  • An officer (David Ketchum) accompanies Oscar, Felix, and Nancy back to their apartment asking them to explain why they are in costume, why they had broken a shoe store window, what they were doing in the basement, and why their neighbor Herman (Russell Thorson) is accusing them of molesting his wife. They relate the story via flashback, beginning when Oscar comes home and finds Felix dressed as a devil, ready to attend Gloria’s charity costume party, which Oscar and Nancy are supposed to accompany him to. Oscar has forgotten about it and has no costume, so after Felix throws his tantrum, he remembers that there is a suit of armor in the apartment basement. They go down and Oscar puts it on, while Felix takes Oscar’s pants upstairs and retrieves Nancy. When she returns, she close the door, and the keys were in Oscar’s pants. Stuck in the basement, they try flagging down a man named Vern (Lenny Kent) through the window grating, but he robs them of what little they have. They try turning up the furnace to get someone to check on the heat, but only release the steam on themselves. They all begin blaming each other and start bickering, causing them to all remain quiet in their own separate area. Felix starts cleaning and find some wine, preserves, and pickles, as well as an old record player, so they make up and start having a party. They then notice a dumbwaiter and Felix gets inside and makes a stop at Herman and his wife Florence’s (Ellen Corby) apartment. Herman is jealous in nature and thinks he is having an affair with Florence. He moves on to Philip’s apartment, but he only wants to play with his chemistry set and pretend he is turned into a monster. Felix asks to come back down, but when the rope breaks, he comes down faster than expected. Oscar then starts throwing coal out the window to try and break a street light and attract attention, but he winds up breaking the store window, which does in fact lead to the cop coming. Eventually the cop does let them go… and lends his uniform to Oscar so they can go on and meet Gloria at the costume party. 1/30/21

SEASON 2

• 025. Natural Childbirth – 9/17/1971
  • Felix comes home late one night to find a young pregnant girl on the couch, who is looking to surprise Oscar. Felix thinks the baby is Oscar’s at first, but then learns that she is Oscar’s niece Martha Sloan (Hilarie Thompson), who has run away her parents in Springfield, Iowa, because she is tired on insisting that she have her baby in a hospital, while she wants to have it natural in a motel room. Her husband Phil was supposed to meet her in New York but he’s his orders were changed by the Army and he’s stuck in German. They welcome her to stay with them, but Oscar does take issue with how she wants to have her baby Eddie delivered. Felix however believes that natural childbirth is the way to go, and as they argue about it more and more, Martha decides to take off. The guys try to get Murray to help find her, but since she’s not a minor and has only been gone less than an hour, there’s nothing he can do. He advises them to check the Natural Childbirth Clinics in the area, so they began searching. They show up at one of the centers, followed closely by Martha. Although the instructress (Jessica Myerson), a father named Howard (Ogden Talbot), and his mother-in-law (Lillian Adams) all agree that natural childbirth, they all agree that a hospital is a much more optimal location to have the baby. Oscar, with Felix’s assistance, agree to be her coach until Phil arrives. Martha winds up going into labor at their apartment, and at the same time, Murray returns with a pregnant girl (Carolyn Payne), who Murray thinks is Martha. The paramedics arrive and first think they are taking a panicked Felix, then try to take the other pregnant girl, before finally delivering the baby with Nancy and Oscar’s help. The other girl then appears as if she is going into labor as well. Shawn Michaels is one of the medics. 5/24/21
• 026. Felix’s Wife’s Boyfriend – 9/24/1971
  • Nancy’s brother Raymond Cunningham (Fred Beir) is in town to visit his sister, and when they are unable to find a date to take to dinner for Raymond, they ask Felix’s ex-wife Gloria (Janis Hansen) to go along when she stops by to bring him the shirts she pressed for him. Oscar is worried that Felix will freak out, but since he is in Canada, they agree it will be fine. They have a great time on the date, but when they all return, they find that Felix has returned early. When Oscar tells him, Felix acts exactly as Oscar had feared, and even worse when Felix realizes that Oscar has offered Raymond his room. Felix goes through phases of anger, sadness, jealousy, and sarcasm. It turns out that Raymond really does like Gloria, so Felix decides to try and win her back, so he goes to their old house and sneaks in and awaits Gloria and Raymond’s return from another date. Oscar shows up and tells him that by sneaking in, he’ll kill his chances. Felix decides to leave, but they return before they can get out, so he hides behind the bar. Ray tells Gloria that he really likes her, but she says that even though she and Felix are divorced, it isn’t quite over yet, so Ray leaves and gives her simple kiss on the cheek. Felix feels good about what she said, but when she tells Felix to come out because she knows he’s there, he starts badgering her about ever going out with him the first place. He gives Gloria and migraine, and Felix throws his back out while arguing. Felix later tells Raymond that he’s sorry he lost that one, and he and Oscar assume he’s a lonely swinger… but then when he leaves the apartment with two women in tow, they realize he must be happy after all. 5/24/21
• 027. Hospital Mates – 10/1/1971
  • Felix visits the doctor again for a second opinion on his deviated septum, and he is advised to get a rhinoplasty surgery. He can’t stop talking about it and doesn’t want to get it. That night, Felix and Oscar go over to Gloria’s with Nancy to play cards. Although Felix promises not to talk about his nose, it comes up immediately, and everyone in the room recommends that Felix get the surgery, so he will stop his honking sounds. Felix finally says if he randomly draws a black card, and he draws the Ace of Spades. After dropping Felix at the hospital, Oscar is thrilled to get rid of him for a while, but when he jumps for joy, he tears his Achilles tendon, so Nancy takes him to the hospital, where he finds himself roommates with none-other-than Felix. They bicker for a while, while Felix complains about the food, and calls in a nun Sister Kathleen (Peggy Doyle) to pray for them. The next morning they wake up loopy after having received sedatives. They start telling each other secrets and Felix admits he’s still in love with Gloria, and then they make a friendship pact. The orderly (Keg Johnson) takes Felix off for his surgery, and Oscar goes afterward. After it’s all over, Gloria brings them home, Oscar on crutches and Felix with bandaged eyes, and plans to stay with them for the day, but they wind up driving her so crazy having them wait on her hand and foot, that she leaves them alone and tells them to call Nancy if they need anything. It doesn’t take long until Felix drives Oscar crazy by yelling at him about his cigar ash, then tries to sweep while blind, knocking Oscar to the ground. Oscar gets mad and throws him out, so Felix tries to find his way to the door, and puts on Gloria’s coat. Oscar then remembers their friendship pact and insists that he stay. Before going to bed, Felix claims it is stuffy and attempts to spray air freshener in the room, and winds up spraying whipped cream all over the place. 9/18/21
• 028. Sleepwalker – 10/8/1971
  • Oscar and Nancy are celebrating their anniversary with a quiet dinner at home while Felix is at the movies. Nancy notes that even as they celebrate, Oscar can’t help but complain about things that Felix does at home. Sure enough, Felix leaves the movie early because of a tickle in his throat, and he starts driving Oscar crazy until he blows up. Nancy decides to leave, since Oscar is now so agitated, and points out that Felix didn’t really do anything, and that Oscar should try to be more tolerant and treat him better. Oscar tries to take her advice, and makes Felix breakfast, but Felix is quick to complain about the pits in the juice, and the undercooked egg. Felix is able to let it go, but that night in the middle of the night, Oscar gets up and hits Felix over the head with a rolled-up newspaper. Felix has the distinct feeling that it wasn’t a dream, and sure enough Oscar continues doing it. He even reports it to Murray so they can catch him in the act, but when he does it again, Murray misses it. Felix finally captures a photo of Oscar coming at him with the paper. Felix decides that since he is obviously irritating Oscar so badly that Oscar is now attacking him, he needs to move out. Oscar is very apologetic, but Felix blames himself. However, when Felix irritates Oscar one more time and Oscar snaps at him, Oscar realizes that since he’s being nice to Felix, he has no outlet for his anger, and thus it is likely building up and causing him to take out his rage overnight. Oscar agrees to unload on Felix throughout the day, and this seems to finally work. Oscar wants Felix to get back at him by taking swing at him with the paper, but when Felix refuses, it irritates Oscar so badly, that he take a waking a swing at him with the paper while wide awake. 9/20/21
• 029. A Grave for Felix – 10/15/1971
  • Felix has found his ideal cemetery plot location: plot 202 by the babbling brook at Angel Haven Cemetery. However, they require that he put down a $100 deposit by 4pm that afternoon and he has to run out on a photography job. Oscar says he’ll run it over for him, but he gets a tip from his bookie Eddie and uses Felix’s money to make the bet. Felix and Nancy watch the race together, and are shocked to see the horse lose. Meanwhile, Felix visits Angel Haven to check out his new plot, and get some information about it from the groundskeeper (John Qualen). Oscar shows up at the cemetery in a panic and has to tell Felix that someone bought his grave from under him. Felix is furious how thoughtless Oscar was to spend his money on a race and storms off. Oscar tries to make it up to him by having a representative named Twitchell (Ken Sansom) come over to show Felix other plots at Eternal Shores Cemetery. Felix has no interest in any plot but the one he originally wanted. Nancy is even able to find a patient of hers who has a plot in the same area of the same cemetery to sell to Felix, but this still isn’t good enough as it sits next to the grave of Split Carson, who never threw a gutter ball, and now has a grave stone with a ball and pins on it. Felix says he’ll have to be satisfied with this location, but Oscar knows he’ll be complaining about it for the rest of his life. Oscar then goes to see the cemetery manager (Dan Tobin) to find out the name of the person who bought Felix’s plot. Oscar has to bribe him to get it, but they find out that it belongs to a dying man named Bengstrom (Ivor Francis), and they go to see the man. It turns out the man is a hypochondriac, germaphobe, and a ball of anxiety. Oscar tells Felix about how much Bengstrom reminds him of Felix. This causes Felix to stop worrying about the grave, and concentrate more on enjoying life. Felix later buys cemetery urns for Oscar and himself, which Oscar promptly uses for his cigar ash. 3/16/22
• 030. Murray the Fink – 10/29/1971
  • During a poker gang and Oscar and Felix’s place, Murray complains about the gold watch that he received after fifteen years on the force. Oscar tells him it because he has no drive, and that he will never move up because he doesn’t the guts to make arrests, especially if he knows the person. To show him that he’s wrong, Murray arrests everyone at the card game including Speed and Vinnie and they are all thrown in jail. There they share a cell with pickpocket Freddie Noonan (Tim Herbert) and drunk businessman J.B. Darlington (George O’Hanlon). Pretty soon the guard (Richard Stahl) lets Speed and Vinnie out since it was Oscar and Felix who were hosting the game. Murray comes to visit them, and tells them how proud his wife is that he made an arrest. Felix is glad to spend the time in jail and plead guilty since he knows it will help Murray’s career. Oscar, however, is furious about the bust and tries to attack Murray in the cell. Felix stops him, and the guard lets Felix go but keeps Oscar for attacking an officer. Oscar is forced to spend the night in the cell, while Felix takes Murray and his wife out to eat. The next day Felix shows up and brings Oscar leftovers from the dinner, and tells him that he’ll be in there until they all go to night court that evening. All of the guys but Oscar plead guilty to the charge, but Felix brings Murray’s cigar and a fondue fork from the night in question, along with a photo of Murray playing cards with them from several years earlier. The magistrate (Curt Conway) tells them that these are serious charges against Murray and could lead to a case against him. Felix tries to represent Murray and discredit Oscar. Eventually, Murray admits to everything Oscar said and then turns his badge into the judge. Oscar then has second thoughts and withdraws everything he said. When the judge learns they were only gambling for nickels and times, he throws out the entire case against everyone. Mark Russell is the bailiff. 3/19/22
• 031. Does Your Mother Know You’re Out, Rigoletto? – 11/5/1971
  • Felix has his opera club over one afternoon as they prepare to put on their first operatic production Highlights from Rigoletto. He invites Signor Herbert Murphy (John Wheeler) to sing a selection for the group, and as he’s underway, Oscar comes home early and interrupts the song. When he is asked to stay and listen, Oscar declines and hurts Murphy’s feelings. Felix is able to talk Oscar into listening to him sing, but Oscar can’t keep from laughing in his face, so Murphy storms out and quits. Oscar feels bad, so he offers to find a replacement for him. Felix thinks he is crazy, but sure enough Oscar offers up the first basemen on his baseball team, famous New York Opera Company baritone Richard “Dick” Fredericks (himself). Oscar brings Dick to meet Felix while his is photographing beautiful girls Dee-Dee (Dee Gardner) and Monica (Annik Borel), and Dick tells Felix he’s be glad to sing in his opera. He even sings the selection Di Provenza for them. Felix is on cloud nine that he’s going to be directing Dick Fredericks… until Oscar brings him home from their next baseball game with a broken foot. Felix is shattered, but Dick says that Oscar owes him one, and he agrees to sing the songs offstage while Oscar assumes the role of the hunchback jester Rigoletto. Oscar doesn’t want to do it, but Dick insists he owes him one. Felix rehearses them all day, with Oscar trying to mimic the words silently. Felix also makes Oscar listen to a tape of the music while he is singing. During the next days rehearsals, the action calls for Oscar to carry his daughter inside a bag, but it nearly gives Oscar a hernia to hold her up while lip synching to the music. Dick suggest that Oscar just kneel beside her as they’ve done in many previous productions. Felix as the director is adamant that he lift her, so Dick gets frustrating with his pigheaded direction and quits. Oscar suggests that Felix chase him down and beg him to come back, and Felix finally agrees. However, Dick returns and apologizes telling Felix that he was unprofessional, and since Felix is the director, he won’t interfere again. Felix agrees, and lets Oscar kneel by the body during the scene. After the successful performance of the show, Felix asks for Dick to sing one more song, so he agrees to sing one of Oscar’s favorites If Ever I Would Leave You. Janice Carroll is Agnes with the opera club. 7/20/22
• 032. Fat Farm – 11/12/1971
  • Felix and Nancy become concerned when Oscar stops at a hot dog stand for yet another hot dog after their baseball game. Felix proves that he is better shape than Oscar by doing more push-ups than Oscar can even begin to do. Since he hasn’t had an exam since he was in the Army, Felix talks him into getting a check-up by Nancy. She gives him an assessment of being in fair health, but tells him as his girlfriend, he would be more sexy if he lost some weight in his gut. This is exacerbated when he sees that she about to give a check-up to a patient named Bob (Edward Fury) who is in much better shape than he is. Felix finally talks him into going with him to Burger’s Health Farm with him for two weeks. Upon arrival, Oscar is already ready to leave when they take away his cigars and give him celery and carrots to snack on. Dinner is even worse, with a spoonful of yogurt and sesame street, and an imaginary dessert of his choice. When Oscar refuses to play along, a fellow fat farm lady (Thelma Pelish) takes his dessert. Oscar falls asleep during their time in the gym as a jock (David Ketchum) gives them their workout. That night Oscar smells pastrami and finds out that Max’s Delicatessen is just down the road. After Felix goes to sleep, Oscar and the fat lady sneak off to get a bagload of food and beer and bring it back. Felix catches Oscar with the contraband and reports it to the jock, who brings Oscar before Dr. Burger (Norbert Schiller) himself. He punishes Oscar by making him skip the movie and the unbuttered popcorn that night. When Felix returns to the room with popcorn, Oscar tries to take it from him and gets reported again. This time, Oscar is sent home. Felix tries to stand up for him and threatens to leave as well, so they both wind up going home. Oscar promises to try to eat better, but soon he has the meat board out again. However, when Felix shows him how quickly he can beat Oscar at arm wrestling, Oscar puts the meat board back in the refrigerator. David Warren Duclon is the waiter. 7/22/22
• 033. The Odd Couple Meet Their Host – 11/19/1971
  • Felix has a job taking photos of comedian David Steinberg (himself) for TV Guide. Felix tells him that they both have a love of old radio theme songs in common. He also tells him how much he enjoys his appearances as a guest host on various talk shows, and then persuades him to move forward with having a Polish discuss champion named Stacha Wozniac on his next show. Felix then overhears David asking to bring on the report who discovered her: Oscar Madison. Felix excitedly tells Steinberg that he can easily get him for show, but when he gets home, Oscar tells him right away that he has no interest in going on the show. He thinks he will look foolish as he has no idea how to speak on TV and will make a fool of himself. Felix convinces him that he is an uninhibited and funny speaker, and also tells him that he already promised Steinberg that he would appear. Eventually Oscar agrees to on the show. At first, he can barely speak since he is so nervous, but once he gets talking, especially about he and David’s mutual friend Felix, he gets more comfortable. The topic of conversation remains on Felix and all of his oddball quirks. His ‘act’ is a big hit, but by the time his segment is over, Felix is furious. When David then asks Felix if he’s like to come onto the show in order to comically defend himself. Felix takes the task to hear, and even brings in a comedian named Harvey Skolnik (Frank Corsentino) to give Oscar the once-over and then help Felix come up with jokes to tell about Oscar, who begs Felix to go easy on him and not make a fool of him. In order to defends himself, Oscar also gets permission to go on the show. Once Felix gets in front of the camera, he is also nervous and botches all of the jokes by switching around the words and making no sense. Oscar feels sorry for him and tries to help carry the show to keep the spotlight off of Felix’s hyper-nervousness. As Oscar and David chat, Felix breaks into the theme song to the radio show Little Orphan Annie. 11/15/22
• 034. Win One for Felix – 12/3/1971
  • Felix has spent the day with his son Leonard (Willie Aames), when Gloria comes to pick him up, Felix is feeling depressed because the first part of the day went fine, but as soon as Oscar – who also happens to be Leonard’s football coach – arrives home, Leonard started spending all of his time with Oscar. After they leave, Felix expresses to Oscar that he feels like he is stealing his son. Oscar tells him that he should have volunteered to coach the football team, but Felix says he is scared that he will make a fool out of himself and look like a fool in front of Leonard. Oscar agrees to show him how to coach the game, but after spending some time running plays quite ineptly, it is obvious that Felix has no idea what he is doing. Felix picks up some books on football strategy and studies them intently. When he finally gets the team together for their first game, Oscar announces that Felix is taking over as the coach. The boys can’t make any sense of the plays that Felix comes up with up because they are far too complicated for their skill level. When they come off the field, they are behind 74-0, but Felix thinks they can rally in the second half. Oscar has to explain to him that the game is actually already over. Felix decides to take a new tack, and he goes and rounds up recordings of Knute Rockne and tries to memorize his locker room speeches. Meanwhile, Carol comes to see Oscar and tells him that the kids voted Felix off the team. Only one player, Chubby (Randy Whipple), voted for him to stay because he likes the brownies that Felix brought. Oscar doesn’t have the heart to tell Felix, so instead he meets with the boys and tells them to make it look like they are taking plays from Felix, but to actually send someone back to the locker room to get their plays from Oscar. This seems to work well, and leads them to victory, but Felix picks up on what is going on and thinks that Oscar is a traitor. Although Oscar tries to apologize that night when they get home, it isn’t until Leonard comes to Felix and tells him that he still loves his father as much as always, but that football just isn’t his talent, and that he’s learned a lot in other areas like photography from him. He also tells them that all of the kids took a vote and decided to keep Felix around as their team dietician. 11/15/22
• 035. Being Divorced Is Never Having to Say I Do – 12/10/1971
  • Felix wakes Oscar up early one morning to tell him that his ex-wife Blanche (Brett Somers) is there to see him. She tells Oscar that she is getting re-married to a 5’4″ dairy farmer who enjoys hot steam baths named Roger Doctor (Billy Sands). Oscar is ecstatic because this will mean no more alimony payments for him. When Felix becomes worried that they’ve only known each other for three weeks, and furthermore it doesn’t seem as if she is in love with him, Oscar swears that he has her best interest at heart too. She invites both Oscar and Felix to attend the wedding later that afternoon. When they arrive at the church, Roger isn’t there yet and his best man Charles Parsley (Sam Nudell) has no idea where he is. The minister (Richard Stahl) shows up and tells them that Roger fell asleep in the steam bath. Oscar goes to get him to make sure he doesn’t miss the wedding before they hold a funeral in the church afterwards. He finally arrives, but when the minister asks if anyone has any objection to the wedding, Felix announces that he does. This gives Roger cold feet and they call of the wedding. Felix decides to stay for the funeral. Oscar is furious with Felix for what he did, but Blanche shows up at their apartment that evening and tells them that she and Roger are going to discuss their future and plan to re-schedule the wedding for the next day. Felix is thrilled again, but then mentions the gravy train of his alimony she’s been riding. She becomes furious at him and tells him what a headache it has been to wonder where her money is each month. However, the next day at the wedding, when the minister asks if anyone has any objections to the wedding, Felix remains quiet… but Oscar objects. After they call off the wedding again, Blanche confides that she’s glad he had the guts to do it, because she didn’t. Oscar tells her that he really hopes she finds a husband, but not to sell herself short and settle for someone she doesn’t love. She tells him that their fight brought back the memories of being honest with each other. She also tells him to make sure he gets her all of her alimony, including the back payments. Both Oscar and Felix opt to stay for the funeral. Pam McHardy is the Maid of Honor and dress saleslady Judy Millhouse, who can’t stop crying at the wedding. 4/20/23
• 036. Surprise! Surprise! – 12/17/1971
  • Oscar tells Felix at the last minute that there are four sportswriters coming to town from all over the country, and he is planning to have them all over to play poker. Felix is furious because he has told Oscar several times that it is his daughter Edna’s tenth birthday, and he plans to hold her party at the apartment. Oscar is unwilling to budge with his card game, so Felix reluctantly agrees to host the party outdoors in the park. Felix then reluctantly agrees to babysit for Edna while he goes and gets ready for the party and hires the whisky-chugging clown Sherman (Hal Smith). Although Edna likes Oscar, she is also disgusted by him and makes sure to point out how much of a slob he is, and also how he misspells his sports articles. Felix comes home and decorates the cake as Felix makes sandiwch for the guys. Once the poker game starts, it also starts a torrential downpour outside, forcing Felix to return with Sherman and the four party girls. The girls and the poker players instantly get in each other’s way, so Felix talks Oscar into taking the poker game into his bedroom. Sherman the Clown keeps trying to steal away to the poker game, and when Felix insists that he return to the party, Sherman quits. Felix finally talks him into playing with the girls, so he kicks off a game of hide-and-go-seek, and then returns to Oscar’s bedroom for more poker. When the girls keep coming into Oscar’s room, the guys all decide they can’t play there so they head over to Sherman’s office. Edna is inconsolable that Sherman has left, so Felix tries to entertain them with reading them a story about postage stamps and leading a Row Row Row Your Boat sing-along. The girls all want to go home and Edna declares it the worst party of her life. Suddenly, Oscar returns to the apartment wearing Sherman’s clown outfit. The girls have seen all of the tricks already, but Oscar then inadvertently does the one that Sherman had yet to perform… and his shoes explode. Edna winds up declaring that it was the best party of her life. Peter Dawson is Big Al. David Fresco is Charley. Frank Loverde is Harry. Tom Stewart is the fourth card player. Cindy Henderson is Billy Amanda. Cindy Eilbacher and Serrina McLendon are the other two party girls. 4/20/23
• 037. Felix, the Calypso Singer – 12/24/1971
  • Felix toasts Oscar and Nancy as they get ready to embark on a trip to Jacaloma in the Caribbean. At the last minute, Joan gets a phone call from her work indicating that she has to stay behind for an emergency. Oscar is furious but tries to make the best of the situation by inviting Felix to go along. Felix is reluctant to leave on a whim, but eventually agrees. They are flown to the island by the cab driver Pepe (Vito Scotti) in a run-down plane. Pepe is also the bellhop and guitar player at the resort. The guys check in and start to unpack, but when Felix goes out to rent a tandem bicycle, Nancy calls and tells Oscar she is able to get away after all and plans to fly down. Felix is taken aback and has his feelings hurt when he feels like he is being forced to leave. Felix books a flight off the island, but Pepe is drunk and ready to take off on a rum-and-cola flight. Felix spends the night in the hotel lobby, and Oscar finds him the next morning. Oscar finds him in the morning and tells him he should have come up to their room since Nancy isn’t there yet. Felix is passive aggressive toward Oscar as he complains about everything on the island. Felix heads out to roam the island and Nancy arrives. She tries to invite Felix to join them for dinner, but Felix would rather act like a martyr. Felix tries to talk to a woman (Sandrea Caron) in the lobby, but she keeps passing out. Oscar tries to keep Felix occupied and asks Pepe if he will let Felix sing along to sing with the calypso band. Felix sings a calypso song deriding Oscar, but he is interrupted by a drunk named Jesse Skolnik (Jack Perkins). This leads to a fist fight, and Oscar knocks out Jessie on Felix’s behalf, which Felix appreciates. The two finally make up in the end, and Felix admits that he would have done the same thing if the situation were reversed. They all dance together to the Oscar song. Barbara Colby is Monique the bartender. Guillermo DeAnda is the other musician. 9/5/23
• 038. And Leave the Greyhound to Us? – 12/31/1971
  • A guy named Salty Pepper (Phil Leeds) one of the poker players who came along with one of their friends winds up staying through the night playing with Oscar, no matter how hard Oscar tries to get rid of him. Felix takes all of Salty’s money and during the last hand, takes his racing greyhound Golden Earring. Oscar and Felix go down to Dog City where the dog is boarded to pick up Golden Earring and find out from the owner (Buddy Lester) that Salty owed $400 for boarding fees. Felix says that he will pay half of the money under the condition that Golden Earring becomes a dog they can take care of and love, rather than a racing dog. Once they get the dog home, Felix tries to baby the dog and shows him the around the apartment, then goes out and gets a bag of groceries for the dog. Oscar, on the other hand, runs him around the room, trying to prepare him to race. Oscar wants to take the dog to Miami to race him, but since Felix forbids it, Oscar sneaks him out in the middle of the night, and they fly off to Miami. The track official (Herbie Faye) tells Oscar that Golden Earring hasn’t won a purse since 1969, and also that he won’t be able to race unless one of the other dogs get scratched. While Oscar is waiting around, he runs into Salty, who says he’s now on a winning streak and pays Oscar $400 for the kennel fees and $200 for the I.O.Us. The official tells Oscar that there was indeed a scratch, and that Golden Earring can now get into the race. Felix shows up at the track but refuses to sign off on Golden Earring’s race. Oscar manages to sweet talk him into signing by buying Felix a set of clothes appropriate to Miami. Once he agrees, he helps pick out a color and number for Golden Earring, suddenly becoming excited about the race and even betting a couple of dollars. Oscar bets $200 on him, but he winds up coming into last place. Both Felix and Salty are thrilled that he stayed in the race, while Oscar is crestfallen. Felix wants to continue to race him, but then Salty offers them $1000 for the dog. Felix agrees on the condition that Salty love the dog. Later back home, Felix becomes emotional when he finds Golden Earring’s bone on the couch. John McCartt is the voice of the race announcer. 9/5/23
• 039. Security Arms – 1/7/1972
  • Oscar wakes up one morning, and after finally clearing the cobwebs from his eyes, finds that Felix is tied up on a chair with his mouth taped in the living room. Felix reports that he come the night before and found two robbers stealing their things. Murray comes to the apartment, and they give him all of the information they have, but when Murray leaves his notepad behind, they aren’t too sure that he’ll find much. Although, their TV and other valuables are stolen, the robbers never enter Oscar’s disastrous room. That night, Felix wakes Oscar up in the middle of the night, scared to death that they’re going to get robbed again since they live in such a terrible area. He wants to move out right away, but Oscar is still half-asleep and doesn’t want to be disturbed. Felix moves into Gloria’s place until he can find another apartment, but Oscar doesn’t want to wake up to deal with it. Felix and Gloria get into a fight when she tries to use cocktail napkins with their dinner. Oscar is enjoying the bachelor life alone, but when he hears the sounds of sirens and gunfire, he too decides that he’s scared of the apartment, so he calls Felix to ask him if he can come look at the new place that Felix has found called Security Arms. When they arrive at the apartments and meet the manager Mr. G. Martin Duke (John Fiedler) and his dog Peaches. He shows them the security features of the apartment, and how they keep out strangers using video technology to broadcast film of people who want into the building. While Oscar and Felix are filling out their application, a water deliveryman who is substituting for the regular guy shows and has jump through hoops to get into the building. Inside the room, they are confronted with internal locking doors, furniture that is bolted to the floor, two-way glass, and their own video surveillance monitor. Felix plans to have Gloria over for dinner that night, but since Felix hasn’t yet put her on the approved guest list, she has to go through extra red tape to be filmed and then approved by Felix. Oscar and Felix then realize that Felix locked the internal lock, then gave the key to Oscar wrapped in a tissue, which was then flushed down the toilet. As the power starts to flicker, Oscar panics and opens the main window, setting off an alarm. Duke is reluctant to leave the front desk to take Gloria upstairs. When he arrives, he has to chop down the door with an ax. When Gloria mentions that Duke grabbed her arm when they were downstairs, Felix throws another fit at Duke, until he finally kicks them out. Felix decides that security is a wonderful thing, but not at this price. One the apartment guards then comes up and tells Duke that they were robbed in the lobby of their TVs and computers. They are glad to move back home, and Oscar quickly gets his room into the same old condition as before. 12/26/23
• 040. Speak for Yourself – 1/14/1972
  • After Murray umpires a baseball game in the park for Oscar, they go back to Oscar’s apartment for lunch. Between arguing over some of Murray’s calls, Oscar tells him that Felix is over trying to patch things up with Gloria because Felix was caught going through her garbage. They get to talking about their original marriage proposal, and Oscar reveals that Felix didn’t proposer to her, nor did she propose to him. He claims that he did the proposal himself. Flashing back to the early 1950’s when Oscar and Felix first met, Oscar says that Felix had just been dumped by his dietician girlfriend Dorothy and was quite depressed. Oscar decides to arrange a blind double date for Felix and begins trying to clean up his filthy apartment. Felix comes over, and in addition to seeing what a a wreck the place was, has his own anxiety issues that are manifesting themselves as hiccups, sneezes, and sinus blockages. However, when Gloria arrives at the apartment, they hit it off immediately, as she is also a very tidy person. Felix speaks privately to Oscar and tells him not to reveal anything negative about him, telling him that he really likes Gloria. Oscar then tells him that Gloria is Oscar’s date, and Felix will be with a girl named Mitzi (Ronda Copland). Oscar thinks Mitzi will be easier for Felix to have fun with, but when he meets her, he finds her bubbly, effervescent, and completely annoying. By the time they get to the restaurant, Felix is ready to go home, and he tells Oscar that he wants Gloria instead. Oscar is happy to make the switch and requests it abruptly. No one seems to mind, so Felix begins dating Gloria. After about a month of him wooing her like a gentleman, he calls Oscar over for advice, because he wants to propose to her before she leaves on a USO tour. Felix presents the pros and the cons, and Oscar agrees with the pros and the cons, but won’t offer any advice beyond that. Felix decides to go for it, so he starts memorizing a Shakespeare sonnet he wants to recite to her during the proposal. Unfortunately, when the time comes for the proposal, Felix has lost his voice. He goes to see Oscar on his date with Mitzi and pleads with him to help him make the proposal. Although Felix wants Oscar to recite the sonnet, Oscar refuses and makes the proposal his own way… and Gloria accepts. Back in the present, Murray is choked up by the love story, so Oscar hands him a giant napkin to blow his nose. 12/27/23

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