The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – NBC

Theme song: “The Streetbeater” by Quincy Jones

NOTE: This series is an American adaptation of the BBC series “Steptoe and Son” which aired between 1962-1965, and was revived 1970-1974.

• 001. Crossed Swords – 1/14/1972
  • Fred G. Sanford (Redd Foxx) is an elderly widower of 23 years and junk dealer in the Watts section of Los Angeles, California. He and his son Lamont (Demond Wilson) live together in the house that doubles as their junk dealership Sanford and Son Salvage, but Lamont has aspirations of moving on to bigger and better things, but Fred often guilts him into staying, usually pretending to have a heart attack and ‘joining’ his late wife Elizabeth. Lamont has picked up a rare porcelain statue for $15, but thinks that it is worth a fortune and will be his ticket out of the business. He and Fred take it to an antiques dealer (William Lanteau) in Beverly Hills, who offers them $850 for it. Fred wants to take it, but Lamont thinks he can get more on the open market and puts it up for auction. Lamont successfully drives up the bid to $1500, but the auctioneer (Robert Manden) awards the statue to Fred, who has bid $2000 in the front row. Fred then ends up breaking the statue accidentally, blaming his arthritis. More frustrated than ever, Lamont threatens to move out, but can’t get the car started. The next day Fred leaves him a suicide note, but ends up happily coming out of the closet when he hears Lamont frantically calling the police. Gilchrist Stuart is an auction bidder. 3/28/15

• 002. Happy Birthday, Pop – 1/21/1972
  • It’s Fred’s 65th birthday and he makes the standard call to Social Security to see when his payments will start rolling in, but it won’t be for months. Lamont pretends that he forgot his Pop’s birthday, but ends up giving him a new hat and touching card, insisting that he not wear the hat in the rain. He then takes Fred out for a night on the town, starting with an upscale bar, where Fred thinks the Old Fashioned is too sweet and criticizes the place for not having a pinball machine. Then it is on to see the movie Fiddler on the Roof, but Fred wants to leave at intermission because he can’t relate to the Jewish people. Finally then head to a Chinese Restaurant but Fred won’t try any of the dishes and thinks they smell bad. When Fred then annoys another customer (Jack Manning), Lamont finally has had enough, calls him a ‘pest’, and storms out. Fred is then caught outside in the rain, but takes his hat off to protect it. The next morning, Fred refuses to make breakfast, saying that he is retired, but thinks twice when he finds out what a pittance he will be receiving from Social Security. Eddie Carroll is the bartender. Harold Fong is the Chinese waiter. 3/28/15
• 003. Here Comes the Bride, There Goes the Bride – 1/28/1972
  • Lamont is getting ready to marry his girlfriend Crystal Simpson (Carol Speed), but Fred doesn’t approve, especially since they’ve only known each other a short time, but acts Lamont’s Best Man. During the ceremony Crystal backs out of the marriages and answers “no” when the minister (Alvin Childress) asks for her vows. This leads to a fight among Lamont and Fred, and Crystal and her parents (Paulene Myers, Bardu Ali). Fred and Lamont return home and Fred tries to cheer him up by continuing with the reception at their house. Relatives show up and are sympathetic at first, but become more interested in getting their gifts back. Lamont ends up throwing them all out – with the gifts and food not far behind. Lamont decides to take his father to the honeymoon hotel at the beach. When they return, Fred shows him how he stole various materials from the motel. Royce Wallace is Aunt Rosetta, Lilllian Randolph is Aunt Hazel, and Lance Taylor Sr. is Uncle Edgar. 6/12/15
• 004. The Copper Caper – 2/4/1972
  • The Sanfords’ friend Kelly (Clancy Cooper) turns them on to a man named Otto (Leonard Stone) who is selling 200 pounds of copper for ten cents a pound. Lamont is anxious to buy it and sell it on the market for nearly twice that, but Fred is skeptical and thinks it is stolen. Lamont buys it anyway and Otto offers to meet him and sell him even more. Although Otto is an hour late, they meet and the Sanfords buy another truckload. When they get home, Officers “Smitty” Smith (Hal Williams) and “Swanny” Swanhauser (Noam Pitlik) advise them that a criminal is selling stolen copper in the area. Fred and Lamont get nervous and dump their copper into the ocean. When Kelly comes over to borrow water, they realize that Otto had stolen their copper pipes while they were waiting at the diner. Lamont tries to fix the pipes himself and ends up drenching Fred. 6/12/15
• 005. A Matter of Life and Breath – 2/11/1972
  • Lamont forces Fred to be tested at the Breathmobile, concerned for his health after 55 years of smoking. Lamont and Fred are tested together, but when they get the results, Fred’s is non-conclusive and they ask that he comes to the hospital to be re-tested for tuberculosis, causing Fred to panic. They then realize that the results were actually for Lamont and not Fred, which then causes Lamont to panic. He writes a sealed last will before heading to the hospital. When he returns he finds Fred reading the will, and then announces that he only needed re-tested because he forgot to take off his necklace during the first test. Fred then tells him that he has burned Lamont’s bed and clothing.  Lillian Lehman is the receptionist, and Noreen Gammill is the nurse. 11/5/15
• 006. We Were Robbed – 2/18/1972
  • When Fred accidentally knocks over and breaks Lamont’s collection of valuable porcelain and glass, he hides the broken pieces and tells Lamont that they were robbed. Lamont calls officers Smitty and Swanny, and Fred concocts a story about he tried to fend off four robbers. Lamont tells him that he is much more important than the valuables, and Fred receives a citation from the police. Later Lamont finds the broken pieces and realizes that Fred was lying. He then pretends they were robbed again, and takes the money from Fred’s piggybank. An lady (Jenny Sullivan) comes to interview Fred, for which he will get his $200 back. Later Lamont warns Fred to be more careful around his new collection, and then accidentally breaks it all himself. 11/5/15
• 007. A Pad for Lamont – 2/25/1972
  • Lamont bring his date Darlene Edwards (Judyann Elder) back his house for some privacy, but Fred continually interrupts them until Lamont finally explodes on him and Darlene sneaks out. Following Darlene’s advice, Lamont finds himself his own apartment the next day despite the guilt trip that Fred puts on him. He has trouble finding a date his first night in his new apartment, while Fred prospers with a widow named Ernestine (Tangerine Sublett) with whom he enjoys a tasty rump roast. Lamont finally gets Darlene to go out with him again, but this time his landlady (Lynn Hamilton) interrupts their date, insisting that no visitors are allowed after 11pm. Lamont returns home for a visit, and Fred talks him into coming back home since he can’t keep up with the widows lined up to go out with him. Lamont agrees with the stipulation that he have his own privacy, but sure enough, when Darlene gives Lamont yet another chance, Fred is revealed to be eavesdropping from the kitchen. 1/2/16
• 008. The Great Sanford Siege – 3/3/1972
  • With the outstanding bills piling up, Sanford & Son owe $200 and one by one their utilities are being shut off. Fred’s only suggestion is to put the bill back in the mailbox, and Lamont is disgusted with Fred’s ability to manage the money. When a process server (Patrick Campbell) and Mr. Hamlin (Dick Van Patten) from a collection agency arrives, the Sanfords barricade themselves in the house. Two deputies (Lee Duncan, Dennis Robertson) eventually show up and force the Sanfords to allow Hamlin to repossess everything purchased from the Luau Layaway Furniture Company. Fred fakes a tussle and fall down the stair, claiming the Hamlin pushed him. When they threaten to take Hamlin to court, he settles with them and leaves them $200. Lamont later feels guilty and suggests only using the money as a loan, but Fred convinces him that he earned it with his acting job. 1/3/16
• 009. Coffins for Sale – 3/10/1972
  • After arguing about Fred’s involvement with World Wars 1 and 2, Lamont shows Fred a pair of coffins that he bought for $25 in hopes of making a profit. Fred is paranoid about having them in the house, and his friend Melvin (Slappy White) won’t come into the house because they are there. They attempt to sell them to funeral director Nelson B. Davis (James Wheaton), but Lamont refuses his $30 offer. Fred is too scared to spend the night in the house with the coffins, so he sleeps in the bed of the truck. Lamont thinks he is ridiculous, but soon becomes spooked himself, especially when some cats get into the house. He ends up sleeping in the truck with his father and then selling them to Davis the next morning for $25. 3/7/16
• 010. The Barracuda – 3/17/1972
  • Fred has been dating nurse Donna Harris (Lynn Hamilton) and the two decide to get married. Lamont finds the whole notion ridiculous, which causes a fight between them. Fred tries to make up with Lamont by serving him a nice meal… which actually was prepared by Donna. Lamont gets disgusted with Fred for badmouthing Lamont’s mother and they begin to bicker. When Donna steps in and tries to smooth it over, Fred tells her to mind her own business, which leads to a fight between them as well. They smooth it over until Lamont reminds Donna that Fred referred to her as ‘over the hill.’ Donna ends up storming out… but can’t recall ever calling her ‘over the hill.’ Melvin delivers a popcorn popper as a wedding gift, and Fred decides to share it with Lamont. Fred resigns himself never to get married, not even to Lena Horne. 3/8/16
• 011. TV or Not TV – 3/24/1972
  • As Lamont is out buying a used convertible that he can use for his dates, Fred is back at home lamenting to Melvin about his crummy black and white television, that he ends up hitting so hard that it breaks. When Lamont comes home announcing his new car and still refusing to buy Fred a TV, Fred leaves. As Lamont is bringing his car home, Swanny and Smitty stop him and tell him that Fred was picked up and taken to the hospital. Lamont rushes over and is told by the ‘ear, nose, and throat’ doctor (Peter Bonerz) that Fred was picked up with amnesia. Lamont thinks he’s faking, but the doctor assures him that it’s on the level. The doctor releases Fred to go home with Lamont, who sells his car to get his father the TV to help bring him around. When Fred complains that the TV isn’t the 24″, he spills the beans that he knew Lamont could have afforded the TV had he not bought the car. As Fred watches his new TV with Melvin, Lamont realizes that his father will never change. 6/13/16
• 012. The Suitcase Case – 3/31/1972
  • On a junk run, Lamont finds an old suitcase in an alley and brings it home, only to find that it is filled with $70,000 in cash. Fred and Lamont dream about what they will do with the money, then become scared that they are being trailed by either the police or the crooks who own the money. Fred locks the case in the safe and they put in a call to Smitty and Swanny to come pick it up. Before they arrive, the crook (Gabriel Dell) arrives and at gunpoint, forces Fred to ‘remember’ the combination and turn over the case. He ties up Lamont, but before he leaves, the police arrive and Fred attempts to signal them. Although Fred doesn’t realize that they have understood him, the cops wait until the crook leaves and arrest him. Later as Fred and Lamont recount the incident, Fred ‘shows’ them how he locked the case in the safe… and conveniently forgets the combination again. Florida Friebus is the customer they turn away. 6/14/16
• 013. The Return of the Barracuda – 4/7/1972
  • While Lamont and Melvin sit at home watching the boxing match on TV, Fred has re-connected with Donna and has proposed to her. Lamont is aghast at Fred getting back with her, and tells him that two can play at that game. On the night that Fred invites Donna over to prepare dinner, Lamont also brings over a girl named Sheila Monroe (Beverly Hope Atkinson) to prepare dinner for Lamont. Sheila agrees to forego cooking and they all sit down to Donna’s meal, but soon everyone is fighting when Sheila asks to smoke at the table. Fred and Lamont kick out the cackling ladies and enjoy the dinner at their own… until Fred touches Lamont’s ham when he serves it and they begin to fight. Later Donna calls and Fred can’t resist her lure and begins singing Getting to Know You again to her. 9/6/16
• 014. The Piano Movers – 4/14/1972
  • A rich and persnickety man (Lester Fletcher) summons Lamont to his fancy apartment and asks that he take away his ex-wife’s piano and offers him $20 to remove it. Lamont brings Fred back to help him move it. They’re both forced to wear slippers to avoid stepping on the Persian rug, Fred’s being Arabian. Fred spends most of his time questioning the man’s sexual orientation, although he says he just separated from his wife, as well as looking through his checkbook and listening in on his phone calls. Fred also succeeds in making it look like Fred is doing on the work and that Lamont is abusing him. As they struggle to get the piano out the door, a policeman (Rick Hurst) informs them that their truck is illegally parked. Lamont leaves to move the truck, but the man insists that they finish the job. Tired of being barked at, Lamont quits the job and they leave… still wearing the slippers. 9/6/16

SEASON 2

• 015. By the Numbers – 9/15/1972
  • Fred has a dream that translates through a numerology book to 219, a number he insists on playing in the lottery that is paying 600-to-1 odds. Lamont forbids him from playing the lottery and tells him to get back to work while he is gone. Fred finds out from his friend Bubba Bexley (Don Bexley) that 219 actually hit, and although he mopes about missing out on big money, he admits that he went ahead and put $1 on the number. Fred buys a new flashy suit for $100 and then plans to spend ten days in Las Vegas with his winnings. However, before he can leave, Aunt Ethel visits and asks for help to pay for a gall bladder operation, followed by Bubba visiting to tell Fred that his car was taken in order to pay back alimony. Fred reluctantly gives them both a total of $450, leaving him with just $50. A photographer (David Moses) shows up to take a picture of the lottery winner and ends up being a robber who takes the last $50. Fred has another dream that aligns with another number he wants to play. 3/6/17
• 016. Whiplash – 9/22/1972
  • Fred takes the truck to by some coffee for himself and Bubba, and gets rear ended by a white man in a black Cadillac. Bubba tells Fred that he is sitting on a goldmine and should feign whiplash and sue. Fred reports the accident to Smitty and Swanny, and then call in the shady Dr. Caldwell (David Roberts) to diagnose him with whiplash. Lamont sees through the ruse and tries to dissuade his father, but when the police apprehend the driver, Fred rushes to the station to identify him… and first mistaking a Lt. Driscoll (Kelly Thordsen) for the driver. After Fred goes through a tirade about suing him, he is told that the actual driver had stolen the car, and consequently isn’t rich. 8/28/17
• 017. The Dowry – 9/29/1972
  • Fred receives a visit from his cousin Grady (Albert Reed) and his new wife Alberta (Kathy McKee) and overweight step-daughter Betty Jean (Gladys Perry). At first Fred and Lamont make fun of her weight, but then Fred finds out that she will receive a $10,000 inheritance once she gets married. Fred schemes to have Lamont propose to her so that he can get a piece of the loot, but Lamont isn’t interested in her. When Lamont finds out what is behind the push for him to get married, he tells Fred that he has proposed… and that they will be moving to St. Louis. Fred freaks out and ends up telling Alberta that Lamont will force her to lose weight by starving her. They decide that Lamont won’t be the right husband for her after all, and depart. 8/31/17
• 018. Jealousy – 10/6/1972
  • Fred has his fiancee Donna over for dinner, and she brings along one of her patients, the snooty Osgood Wilcox (Roscoe Lee Browne). Lamont tries to stir up trouble by insinuating to Fred that Osgood is trying to steal Donna away. Fred plays it off at first, but then it becomes obvious that Lamont is right when he finds out that Osgood bought her an expensive watch and is trying to talk her into going to the Grand Canyon with him. As Fred confronts him, the animosity starts to get intense, with Osgood showing off with various feats of strength, then challenging Fred to a fight. Fred doesn’t back down, and Donna ends up walking in as Fred is threatening to box him. She take Osgood and storms out, telling both Fred and Lamont that no matter how healthy Osgood seems, he is a very sick man. Donna later returns and tries to give Fred back his ring, but Fred apologizes and gets her to reconsider, much to the irritation of Lamont. 4/2/18
• 019. Tooth or Consequence – 10/13/1972
  • Fred has had a toothache for a week but refuses to go to a dentist so he tries a smelly remedy that Bubba learned from his grandmother, as well as a hypnotist named Sylvester Poe (Ray Oliver), but it seems to actually work better on Lamont. When Fred is unable to drink cold water, Lamont takes him directly to the dentist. Fred decides that he only wants a white dentist, but despite his pleas to the receptionist (Ella Edwards), he winds up with Dr. Rogers (Sid McCoy), who is black. Rogers gets the message from Fred and sends in the white dentist (Hal England)… who got his diploma through a correspondence course and night school. He thinks his tooth might be tricky to work on so he sends in the head oral surgeon… Dr. Rogers. 4/2/18
• 020. The Card Sharps – 10/27/1972
  • Lamont invites acquaintances Skeeter Matthews (Thalmus Rasulala), Rooster (David Moses), and Hucklebuck (Ron Glass) for an evening of poker. Fred has suspicions about the men before they even arrive, believing them to be con men who will take all of Lamont’s money. Throughout the game, Fred tries to disrupt them by wielding a fly swatter, turning off the power, and begging Lamont not to make a big bet. In the end, Lamont does in fact lose all his money. Fred invites the guys to stay longer and play him, while he sends Lamont out for beer. When Lamont returns, he finds Fred with a stack of money and several items of the men’s clothing. Fred had identified how they were cheating, and won by using his own trick deck that, by wearing special glasses, could have its cards identified from the back. 3/7/17
• 021. Have Gun, Will Sell – 11/3/1972
  • Lamont is ready to out for a night on the town with his friend Rollo Larson (Nathaniel Taylor), whom Fred instantly takes a disliking to. Moreover Fred tries to convince them that he isn’t safe at home with all of the robberies in the neighborhood, but that doesn’t dissuade them from going out. Sure enough a burglar (Dilar Heyson) does break in while Fred naps in front of the TV. Lamont and Rollo come home and Fred wakes off, scaring off the burglar who leaves behind his gun. Lamont suggest they keep the gun, but Rollo convinces him that it would be smarter to sell it at a pawn shop. Fred just wants to give it to the police, but they convince him to take it to the pawn shop and sell it. The pawnbroker (William Hansen) mistakes Fred for a robber when he sees him pull out the gun after chatting with Lamont and Rollo outside, and the police come to foil the ‘robbery’. Fortunately it is Smitty and Swanny, who know that it must be a mistake. All is forgiven, and they turn the gun over to the police to avoid any trouble. The pawnbroker offers Fred money for his war rifle, but when Fred and Lamont go home to get it, they find that the robber has returned and stolen it along with several of their other belongings. Paula Victor is the customer at the pawn shop. 11/28/18
• 022. The Puerto Ricans Are Coming! – 11/10/1972
  • When new neighbor moves into the dilapidated house where Fred has been throwing his garbage, Fred become annoyed with the loud hammering and music disturbs his afternoon with Melvin. He becomes even more irritated when Lamont tells him that the neighbor is Puerto Rican Julio Fuentes (Gregory Sierra), who has a goat named Chico who roams into the Sanford house and eats Fred’s dip. Lamont asserts that he is a nice guy, and Julio tries to make friends with Fred, but is rejected mercilessly. He even makes a second attempt to bring him some food, but Fred insults him a second time. Fred contacts the city building inspector Mr. Watkins (Larry J. Blake) to come inspect Julio’s house, thinking that he’ll be driven out of the neighborhood. Much to his surprise, Julio receives a citation for the great job he is doing with improving the property… whereas Mr. Watkins, since he’s in the neighborhood, inspects Fred’s house and gives him a different kind of citation. Fred eventually warms up to Julio when he brings Fred some soul food, but before he can enjoy it, Chico comes over and eats it right out of Fred’s hands. 11/28/18
• 023. The Shootout – 11/17/1972
  • Fred gets in an argument with his friend Herman Goldstein (Leo Fuchs) while watch Let’s Make a Deal, and ends up throwing him off the property. Later Lamont brings home an antique Revolutionary War musket, which Fred carelessly fires through the window and into Goldstein’s house. Fred and Lamont panic when Goldstein doesn’t answer her phone or turn his light out at night, and even more so when he doesn’t answer the door the next day.  Fred gets spooked when an antique dealer named Ronald Hart (Laurence Haddon) stops by to buy the gun, and then nearly has a heart attack when Officer Smitty stops by with his new partner Officer “Hoppy” Hopkins (Howard Platt). Fred and Lamont end up burning the wood off the gun and attempting to melt it down. When Fred and Lamont are at their wits end, Goldstein comes home, having gone to visit his son because he was so upset about his fight with Fred. When he sees the bullet in his window and his hat, he is happy to be alive and makes amends with Fred. Later Hart returns to try and buy the gun, but it is now melted down and worthless. 10/3/19
• 024. Blood Is Thicker Than Junk – 11/24/1972
  • Lamont is getting tired of his Pop’s poor cooking, incessant complaining, and doing all the work of his own. He decides to strike out on his own and get another job. He visits an employment agency and tries to act sophisticated, citing his work in ‘commodities’, but merely ends up placed by agent Mr. Clifford (Vernon Weddle) at an another junkyard working for ‘Big Nose’ Backstrom. Fred hires a muscle-bound helper named Norman (Roger E. Mosely) and sends him out on a job, fearing that he is going to steal the truck. Lamont comes home dead tired, but bragging that he has two helpers and is heavily consulted by Backstrom. Fred makes Lamont his favorite dinner of steak-a-rice-a-roni-beany and apple pie, making home look much more attractive… especially when Backstrom calls and berates Lamont for not finishing unloading refrigerators. When Norman brings home a stuffed bear, Fred blows his stack and fires him, leaving a perfect opportunity for Fred and Lamont to reconcile and work together again. Fred tries to use the bear to keep away thieves, but it ends up getting stolen. 11/23/16
• 025. Sanford and Son and Sister Makes Three – 12/1/1972
  • Fred hooks up with his old girlfriend and dancing partner Juanita Grismore (Janet DuBois), and she brings along her attractive daughter Alice (Emily Yancy). When Fred and Juanita each find out that their spouses are now gone, romance begins to brew, and Juanita reveals that Alice is actually Fred’s daughter. Fred becomes a nervous wreck when he sees Lamont falling for her and even talking of marriage. He tries to warn Lamont, but he won’t listen since he is so smitten. The ladies come over for dinner and Fred does everything in his power to keep the kids apart, but when Juanita tells him they can talk about it later, Fred gets irritated at her and snaps back… leading to both Sanfords getting into arguments with the women and ultimately throwing them out. As they leave, Juanita reveals that Fred is actually not Alice’s father. She had only used that as a tactic to ‘reel him in.’ Fred and Lamont laugh together about the ladies’ faults, having dodged a bullet in marrying them. 10/3/19
• 026. A Guest in the Yard – 12/8/1972
  • Lamont talks Fred into helping load a bathtub onto the truck to take to the dump, but when they go to load it, they find a hobo named Gus (Liam Dunn) sleeping inside. They throw him out, but when he threatens to commit suicide, Lamont has mercy and lets him sleep longer. Fred gives him a sweet roll and water while Lamont is gone. When he returns, Gus is still there, so they throw him out again, but Gus claims that Fred pushed him and he is now paralyzed from the waist down. He is brought to the couch where he demands that Fred serve him beer all afternoon. They bring over Dr. Caldwell (David Roberts) to examine Gus, but he can’t make any determination conclusively. Fred gets the idea to continue feeding him beer and drinking with him, and then pretending to leave. Fred sneaks back in the house to find that Gus has used the bathroom and can walk just fine. Fred threatens him with a bat, and they tussle before Gus leaves. Fred falls to the ground and then moves to the couch, where he starts asking Lamont to bring him beer. Later they attempt to load the bathtub again, but now a dog has had puppies in it. 3/23/20
• 027. Fred & Carol and Fred & Donna – 12/15/1972
  • Fred’s fiance Donna stops by at the Sanford house to help Fred pop the crick in his neck, then heads off for work. Fred is then visited by a household product saleslady named Carol Davis (Kim Hamilton) and they hit it off right away. Fred and Carl spend all morning chatting until Lamont arrives home from lunch. Carol leaves and they make plans to have dinner that night. Lamont reminds him that he has already made plans for dinner with Donna, so Fred calls and leaves a message for Donna that he can’t make it to dinner. Lamont decides to teach Fred a lesson when Donna calls back, and tells her that what Fred actually said was that he cannot make dinner, but that the date was still on. That evening both women show up for dinner, and Lamont takes delight in watching Fred squirm and try to keep both women from saying too much. Eventually it comes out that Donna is Fred’s fiance and that Fred spent three hours with Carol earlier in the day. Both women storm out, and Fred plans his revenge on Lamont. Later Fred calls Donna and makes amends telling her that he has learned his lesson. Then he calls Carol and tries to set up a date so that he can explained what had happened. 3/24/20
• 028. The Light Housekeeper – 12/22/1972
  • Fred, having fallen off the truck when Lamont swerved to avoid hitting a cat, now has an injured arm and leg. Lamont is getting worn out from waiting on him hand and foot. His Aunt Ethel (Beah Richards) stops by to check on him, but can’t stay to take care of him… but Fred throws her out regardless. Lamont turns to an employment agency and they send a white housekeeper named Mary (Mary Wickes). Fred is very skeptical of having a white woman in the house, fearing that she is a sex addict. Fred gets irritated when she falls asleep on the couch – even though he told her to relax – and breaks a Coke bottle, and fears she is stealing from him, finally forcing Lamont to fire her. Lamont returns to waiting on Fred, but frustrated quickly, he threatens to call Mary again. Fred makes a miraculous recovery to avoid going through that again. Nevertheless he gives her a glowing review when the agency calls to check on her. 11/21/16
• 029. The Big Party – 1/5/1973
  • Down to their last $30, Fred and Lamont have nowhere to turn to pay their bills, and their phone gets shut off. Lamont considers going on welfare but Fred’s pride won’t allow it. Aunt Esther stops by and asks if she can use their place for her bible study group. Fred won’t allow it, but he gets an idea to throw a house party and charge a dollar a head. Lamont is against the idea but eventually goes along with it. They throw a wild drunken party, with Fred circling the room and acting as host, during which they are visited by a gangster (Gabriel Dell) and his henchman Duane (Danny ‘Big Black’ Rey) who want cut it on the party business. Fred and Lamont want nothing to do with them, but they agree when Duane pulls a gun. The next morning, the house is a mess and there are guests passed out all over the house. The gangsters return and criticize Fred for not keeping the party going. Fred warns them that the party is about to be raided. They accuse Fred of calling the cops, but it is Esther’s bible study group who raids the house and drives everyone including the gangsters out. Fred had called them and offered the place for bible study, and after driving everyone out, Esther forces Fred to be part of it. Esther asks if they can have the study there every weekend, and Fred has no choice to agree when she threatens to get the gangsters back on them if he doesn’t. 7/5/20
• 030. A Visit from Lena Horne – 1/12/1973
  • Fred and Lamont tour the studios at NBC, and between Fred embarrassing Lamont with his Ed McMahon impersonations and snagging some of the oil from Flip Wilson’s car, Fred learns from the tour guide (Joan Prather) that singer Lena Horne (herself) is going to be a guest on the Tonight Show. Fred separates from the group and finds Lena’s dressing room, and she catches him in the act of snooping through her stuff. He tells her that he has a lame son named Lamont who loves her like a second mother since his own mother has passed away. Although she has to catch a plane to San Francisco for an Operation Head Start charity benefit, Fred talks her into stopping at their house to see the sick ‘little Lamont.’ Fred goes home and gathers up his friends Luther (John Amos), Lucy Leroy (Leroy Daniels), Slick Skillet (Ernest Skillet Mayhand), Art (Arthur Matthews), and Billy (Billy Allyn) from the pool hall and tells him about his visit with Lena, betting them each $15 that she is coming to visit. Lamont tries to talk them out of the bet, but they won’t budge, and when 8pm passes, Fred becomes certain that she is going to stand him up. However she and her chauffeur (Robert Munk) do in fact show up much to Fred and Lamont’s surprise, nearly giving them both heart attacks. However Lena is furious when she sees that Lamont is a full-grown man, and even more so when she sees Fred’s friends pay him off for the bet. But when Fred says that he only did it to raise money for her charity, she lays a kiss on him. This causes Lamont and the guys to all chase her out the door offering her more money. 7/5/20
• 031. Lamont Goes African – 1/19/1973
  • With their TV reception so bad, Fred keeps asking Lamont to get cable television. Lamont however is more interested in exploring his African roots, and decides to start using African words and phrases, donning a dashiki, decorating the house in African statuary, and changing his name to Kalunda. Fred is naturally resistant to all of the changes, especially when Kalunda tells Fred that they need to change their diet to all African food, and get rid of all red meat. He gives Fred a shopping list to go out and get food for his friends Oyamo, who is actually Rollo with a name-change, and his girlfriend Olaiya (Paula Kelly). Fred does his usual criticizing and poking fun at the trio, and Kalunda responds angrily at Fred. This however offends Olaiya, that Kalunda doesn’t respect and take care of his father in a more tradition African fashion, where the elderly are revered. She winds up walking out on a speechless Kalunda, who finally tells Fred that he can call him ‘Lamont’ again. Lamont abandons the notion of returning to his roots, so Fred takes Lamont’s dashiki and tells him that he subscribes to the African notion of respecting the elders. Fred reiterates his desire for cable television, but pulls out the sausage because he doesn’t want to be a ‘fanatic’. 10/17/20
• 032. Watts Side Story – 1/26/1973
  • Fred is irritated that Lamont has let Julio borrow the truck, thinking that he is going to smuggling in Mexicans. It turns out however that he was just picking up his mother Providencia (Alma Betran) and his sister Maria (Migdia Varela aka Migdia Skarsgard Chinea) from New York. Fred is forced to spend some uncomfortable time with Providencia while the others unload the luggage, and are then interrupted by Chico the goat who comes in and starts eating Fred’s food. After he clears everyone out, he is happy that their associations with the Fuenteses is over… but then Lamont tells him that he is taking Maria out to dinner. Fred is aghast and worried that his friends will judge them if Lamont dates a Puerto Rican. Fred feigns a heart attack and a fever, but Lamont isn’t having any of it. Julio finds out about Fred’s feelings and is furious and calls Fred a bigot, and even gets angry at Lamont and tells him not to bother taking Maria out. Nevertheless Lamont and Maria have dinner at the Chinese restaurant. Fred shows up in disguise to spy on them, and the waiter (Harold Fong) seats him with another lone diner… who turns out to be Providencia, who is there to spy on them as well. She too is not happy, and says that in New York this would destroy Maria’s reputation. While they are seated together, Leroy and Skillet come into the restaurant and fuss over Fred being with a Puerto Rican, and when they say they are only there to watch Lamont, they look over and Lamont and Maria have already left. Lamont comes home that night right after Fred does, and Fred pretends to still be sick in bed. However his evening is revealed when Leroy and Skillet come over to inquire who the ‘cutie’ was that Fred was with that night. 10/18/20
• 033. The Infernal Triangle – 2/3/1973
  • Fred stays out until the wee hours of the night on date with a younger woman named Judy Edwards (Ketty Lester), and tells Lamont he wants to marry her. Lamont gives him a hard time and reminds him that he’s engaged to Donna, but Fred doesn’t care and wants to move Judy and her two kids into the house with them. After all kidding is aside, Lamont gives Fred his blessing and agrees to meet her before they go out to dinner to celebrate their engagement. When Lamont sees her, he is taken aback, and gets some time alone with her by telling his father that the phone is out and sending him to the neighbor to call for a cab. When he leaves, Lamont and Judy embrace, and talk about the fact that they were once lovers, who were separated when Lamont went to St. Louis with his father. Her mother had neglected to give her letters from Lamont, who was going by the name of Jay Rupereaux at the time. She eventually got married and had kids, but is now divorced and on her own. Lamont offers to marry her himself and move her into the house. When Fred returns, Lamont tells him the truth, so he calls off the engagement and offers to move out. Lamont tells him that he belongs in the house and it wouldn’t be the same without him. As they argue, Judy slips out and leaves a note that says she won’t marry either of them because they are already married. They don’t understand what she means, but then the two of them take the cab and have a Chinese dinner together, bickering like an old married couple as they leave the house. 2/8/21
• 034. Pops ‘n’ Pals – 2/9/1973
  • When Lamont and Julio play basketball in the driveway, Fred not only complains about the noise and dust, but goes on a rant against Julio once again. Fred suggests that Lamont hang out with new friends, even Rollo, despite how much he hates him. But what he really wants is for Fred to hang out with his as a friend, and asks Lamont to go fishing with him over the weekend. Lamont declines because he has made plans to go to Tijuana with Julio. When Julio comes back to go to a Mexican restaurant La Cazuelita with Lamont, he suggests that Fred come along. Fred is insulting to the waiter (Joaquin Garay) and the food, and when he suggests that there is garbage at the bottom of the sangria, Lamont has had enough and storms out. The next morning as Lamont prepares to leave for Tijuana, Fred is in a wheelchair and claims to have had a heart attack, and then they get a visit from Nelson B. Davis (James Wheaton), a funeral home associate who sells burial insurance. Lamont won’t fall for any of it, and takes off with Julio. Along the way to Mexico, they stop to eat, and Julio notes that Lamont is despondent… and for good reason. He tells Lamont how much he misses his father, and that even though Fred typically fakes his ailments, one time it might be real. Lamont tries to blow it off, but then decides they better head back home. When they arrive, Fred is gone and wheelchair is empty. Lamont is afraid that he crawled out into the street and was taken by an ambulance. Then they catch Fred coming home with a woman (Cardella DeMilo) who he picked up at the bar, and a bottle of sangria. The next time Lamont and Julio decide to go fishing, Lamont won’t Fred go, but Fred brings Mr. Davis back for another round of burial insurance talk. Julio convinces Lamont to invite Fred along. He accepts the offer and takes off his robe, where he already is wearing his fishing gear. 2/9/21
• 035. Home Sweet Home for the Aged – 2/16/1973
  • Lamont takes Fred on a Sunday beach drive and then pampers him when they get home, then admits to a suspicious Fred that he plans to take a trip around the world on a tramp steamer and wants to put Fred in the Garden of Eden Retirement Hotel. Fred has no interest in that, plus tries to warn Lamont that if he spends time on a steamship with a bunch of men, he will come back gay. Somehow Lamont gets him to agree to move there. Lamont takes Fred in to the retirement home and registers him with the administrator Miss Ecker (Maida Severn). Fred is rude to her and everyone he encounters, insulting old Mr. Malloy (Burt Mustin) and picking a fight with another resident (Cha-Cha Hogan) who calls Fred an ‘old timer.’ Fred is left in his room lonely, and even over time, he refuses to participate in any of the activities. He only lights up when Bubba comes to visit him and brings him some ribs from Leo’s Barbecue. Bubba tells him that Lamont really misses him, and even says he can hear his voice in the house. Fred then gets the idea to sneak back to the house and call Lamont’s name as if from afar. Lamont acts like he falls for it, but sees Fred outside hiding behind the truck. The next day Lamont checks Fred out of the home and brings him back to the house. Lamont gives up the idea of this trip around the world, but Fred doesn’t even like it when he tries to go to San Diego with Rollo, and hides the keys from Lamont. 6/5/21
• 036. Pot Luck – 2/23/1973
  • While Lamont thinks Fred is wasting time buying fake flowers and killing flies, he purchases an antique commode from an old woman at a yard sale, which he thinks may have been used by the Price of Wales, for $20. He is also convinced that it is worth several hundred. Fred doesn’t like the fact that Lamont took advantage of the ugly white woman who sold it to him. He believes it means even more bad news when Mr. Osborne (Herb Voland), the husband of the woman who sold it to him, shows up at the house and yells at them for taking advantage of his wife. He tries to buy it back, but Lamont drives the price up to $200. Osborne writes him a check and says he’ll send someone over to pick it up. This makes Fred even more ashamed at the shady deal Lamont made. Later, a European antique dealer named Emile Bonnet (Jonathan Harris) shows up and offers Lamont $900 for the piece. Lamont wants to sell it, but Fred again wants no part of the transaction. Bonnet says he’ll come back in two days once Lamont can claim full, legal ownership for the piece. Lamont gives Mr. Osborne $300 for the commode, then waits for Mr. Bonnet… who never shows up. Fred figures out that it was all a swindle between the two, that the check that Osborne wrote for $200 has bounced, and that the commode is only worth $20. Fred says that the antique dealer who appraised it has seen multiple copies of the commode since the pair have been hitting lots of dealers in the area. Fred later cleans it up, puts an $80 price tag on it, and uses the chamber pot for his flowers. 6/5/21
• 037. The Kid – 3/9/1973
  • Lamont comes home and catches Fred playing solitaire instead of doing his work, and then drags him outside to help him unload. Hiding in the truck is a 9-year old neighborhood boy named Jason (Lincoln Kilpatrick Jr.). Fred wants him to go home immediately, but he tells the Sanfords that his mother isn’t home. Lamont invites him to stay for dinner and try the chicken backs and necks they’re serving for dinner. After they eat, Jason tells the guys that his mother won’t be home all night, and asks if he can stay overnight. Again, Lamont thinks keeping him is the right thing to do, while Fred wants him to leave. The next day, when Lamont comes home, he is now the one annoyed that Fred hasn’t sent Jason home yet. Fred spends the day playing poker with Jason, with Fred going into debt against him. Hoppy and Smitty stop by to check on Jason, since Lamont told them about him, just to make sure he’s not a runaway. Jason won’t give them his number, until Fred threatens to not let him return if he doesn’t. He also takes off and hides in the truck again. He finally gives them his number, just as Hoppy and Smitty return with Jason’s mother Winnie (Marcene Harris). She has put in a report on him as being missing. Winnie admits that she was working all day, but Jason was supposed to go to his Aunt’s place. Fred has taken a liking to Winnie, and invites her and Jason to stay for dinner… this time legs and thighs. Later Fred admits that he misses Jason. Just then, Jason returns to play, but this time he brings an entire roomful of other kids with him. 10/3/21
• 038. Rated X – 3/16/1973
  • After Lamont turns down the meatloaf soup that Fred made, Lamont tells him that he’s going to go work in another job as an amateur actor in low budget films. Fred thinks the notion is ridiculous, especially when he finds out that it was Rollo who introduced the idea to Lamont. Nevertheless, they head out to the job, and Fred reads the ad that talks about the job. Fred decides that he too could easily do this job, so he heads to the studio and meets the producer (Ralph James) and director (Jack DeLeon). They send him onto the set where Lamont and Rollo are waiting, and then tell them to remove their clothes down to their shorts. When they are shocked, the guys show them the script, where they find that no one in the film is wearing their clothes. The guys are all aghast and start to leave, but just then the place is raided by a detective (Leo G. Morrell) and his officers and they are all thrown in jail. Fred is beside himself in the cell, so the guard (Cal Wilson) lets Lamont out to make his phone call. He calls Aunt Esther to come bail them out, but as soon as she arrives, they all live to regret seeing her and listening to all of the ridicule. As she is laying into them, Lt. Driscoll (Kelly Thordsen) come in and tells them that they are clear of all charges. Esther asks him to keep them in the cell so she can read them some verses from the Bible. Later at home, Fred calls to the neighborhood theater that is showing porn movies to complain, but then becomes so intrigued that he checks on when the next show starts. 10/3/21

SEASON 3

• 039. Lamont as Othello – 9/14/1973
  • Lamont and Rollo have joined the theatre workshop class and they are working on their roles in the play Othello. Lamont plans to work on his lines with Marilyn O’Neill (Maureen Arthur), a white actress and drama teacher at the school. He doesn’t want Fred around when he rehearses with her, so he bribes his father to leave by giving him beer money. Fred meets Bubba at a nearby and then they return early, only to see Lamont strangling Marilyn as part of the play rehearsal. He and Bubba ‘rescue’ the girl before Lamont can explain that they are just rehearsing the play. Fred only criticizes the whole thing, but Marilyn tries to get him interested by encouraging Lamont to perform for his father. This doesn’t help, as Fred just offers more criticism. Lamont suggests they go somewhere else, and Fred suggests they go to Marilyn’s home in Beverly Hills, insinuating that her parents would never allow it. Marilyn contradicts him and tells him that her parents would welcome all of them and asks Fred to come along as well. When they arrive there, she tells them that her parents (Jack Manning, Ann Driscoll) are out of town, but she plans to invite them back while they are there. While Lamont and Marilyn rehearse, Fred roams around the house and into her parents’ room… only to find that the are in fact there and think that Fred is robbing them. When Fred heads downstairs with Mr. and Mrs. O’Neill following, they find that Lamont is strangling Marilyn again. Fred is offended and accuses of them of being prejudiced which they adamantly deny. Finally they admit that they overreacted to seeing Fred enter their bedroom. All is well, and Fred agrees to have a drink with them, but when they can’t serve him ripple, he makes a ‘you people’ comment and causes Mr. O’Neill to point out Fred’s prejudices as well. 3/30/22
• 040. Libra Rising All Over Lamont – 9/21/1973
  • Lamont wants to make some changes in his life so he consults an astrologist named Audrey (Vivian Bonnell). Lamont consults the family Bible to what time his parents indicated he was born, and it turns out he’s a Libra, and because he was born before 6am, he’s also a Libra Rising making him a double Libra. This indicates that he should always strive for peace and harmony. He claims this will be hard due to the way his father treats him, but he plans to try. Meanwhile, Fred is at home meeting with Dr. Stewart (Harvey Jason) because he is having chest pains. The doctor thinks that the pains are in his stomach, and resulting from the fact that he ate eight-day old collard greens. When Lamont gets home, he tries to be nice to Fred, but he nearly starts to lose it when Fred blames Lamont for not having ‘sympathy pains’ so that he can suffer as well Lamont calms himself and helps Fred move upstairs and even brings the TV up there. Fred’s friend Grady Wilson (Whitman Mayo) comes to visit, and Fred assumes that Lamont is being so nice because he knows Fred is dying. Lamont continues to wait on him and looks through an old family photo album so Fred can think about Elizabeth, but Lamont nearly loses it again when Fred keeps calling him a ‘dummy.’ Esther then shows up to pray for Fred’s recovery, but Fred refuses to be nice to her. While looking at photos from the day of Lamont’s birth, Ethel notes that Fred was drunk all day, and that they had to give him oxygen during the evening when he was born. Lamont is confused about his birth time, but Esther says Fred got it wrong when he wrote in the Bible. With this new information, Lamont returns to Audrey and finds out that he is actually Aries Rising, which means he is a warrior and should speak with authority as a commander. While Lamont is gone, Esther brings in her prayer circle and they all surround his bed and sing him gospel songs. Lamont comes home and finds out that Fred has been eating more leftovers, and he commands him to get out of the bed and go downstairs and make dinner, to which Fred obeys. The next day Esther returns with the choir interrupts the football game, and tells Fred that he said if he recovers that he will start walking the straight and narrow. Fred tries to throw them out, but they surround him singing, while Lamont heads out for a jog. 7/30/22
• 041. Fred, the Reluctant Fingerman – 9/28/1973
  • Fred is making his special dish Holy Moly out of swiss cheese and guacamole, and preparing for an evening with TV with Lamont, but Lamont has made plans to go out with Julio. Fred expresses his concerns that soon will start talking with an accent if he continues to hang out with Julio. As soon as Lamont and Julio leave for the evening, Julio’s goat Chico sneaks into Fred’s house and starts eating his Holy Moly. Fred rushes him out, and then hears some banging that he assumes is coming from the goat as well. However, he soon realizes that it is two thieves next store robbing Julio’s house. He tries to tell the robbers to scram, but they threaten him with a gun and force him back into his house where he hides in the closet. When Lamont and Julio return, they realize that Julio’s place has been robbed, and worst of all, they have stolen Chico. They call Hoppy and Smitty to come to the house, but Fred is reluctant to identify or describe the robbers. Later the cops call Fred to come to the station to identify some men, but Fred adamantly refuses. Julio tries to convince Fred that if he had a dog that was stolen, he would want Julio to help him identify the thieves. Later Fred realizes that their own truck has been stolen, although it is obvious that it was actually Lamont responsible for the missing truck. Fred freaks out about being robbed, but Julio claims he saw the robbers and can identify them… but refuses to do so until Fred identifies his robbers first. Fred gives in and gives the police his description to the police. Then Julio and Lamont that the truck wasn’t really stolen, but rather Lamont parked around the corner. When Lamont goes to get it, he finds out that the truck really is missing. However, it turns out that it was in a no parking zone, and Fred is forced to pay the tow fee. Julio says he’ll pay Fred back in goat’s milk that he can use for his Holy Moly. Fred realizes that he still has more Holy Moly for them to eat but finds that Chico has gotten into the kitchen and is eating it again. 7/30/22
• 042. Presenting the Three Degrees – 10/5/1973
  • Lamont and Rollo approach Fred because they’ve taken over management of a singing girl trio from Philadelphia known as The Three Degrees, Fayette Pinkney (herself), Sheila Ferguson (herself), and Valerie Holiday (herself). The manager of the club they were working ran off with all of their money, and now they are flat broke with nowhere to stay. They ask Fred to put them up for a couple of nights until they get back on their feet by winning a talent contest at The Safari Club. Fred agrees that they can stay at his place if Lamont and Rollo pay him $50. When Fred meets the girls, he is both smitten and happy to have women around the place to take care of him. The next morning the three girls get up early and make Fred breakfast. As manager, Rollo gets annoyed when he sees how much they are waiting on and flirting with Fred. He insists they spend their time practicing rather than taking care of Fred. They sing the song I Didn’t Know for Fred as he eats his breakfast. The girls insist that Fred come along to the show as their good luck charm. Lamont however doesn’t want him there and tell him that he can’t go. Nevertheless, Fred sneaks off to the show with his friends Bubba, Slick Skillet, and Lucky Leroy. As soon as they walk in, Lamont warns them to behave themselves. The show’s M.C. (Jim Cato) introduces the opening acts, comedian Kurt Taylor (himself), and sax player Gabriel Gordon (Bob Gordon), and Fred and his friends heckle them both mercilessly until the acts are forced to leave the stage. Eventually the bouncer (Juan DeCarlos) throws out Fred and his friends, and when Lamont tries to stand up for them, he throws them out as well. When they get home, Lamont is furious that Fred blew the girls’ big chance. However, the Three Degrees visit and tell the guys that they got thrown out of competition right after everyone else did. While they were left crying out in the alley, the leader of the Safari Band asked them to go on tour with them. The all give Fred kisses and show their gratitude. Fred then asks Lamont about getting him the $50 for allowing the girls to say, but Lamont won’t even give him one single dollar, much to Fred’s irritation. Dwan Smith is the waitress. 11/24/22
• 043. This Little TV Went to Market – 10/12/1973
  • Fred and Lomont’s TV is on the fritz so they call in a repairman (Bill McLean) who tells them that it would cost more to fix than to buy a new one. Lamont wants to purchase a new one on time from Donald’s Daring Discount, but Fred would rather buy from the shady Guy’s Groovy Grab-bag business that sells merchandise out of his truck. Lamont insists that all of their stuff is hot and tells him not to buy from there, but as soon as Lamont leaves the house, Fred does just that. When Lamont returns home, he is furious to see that Fred didn’t listen to him. Later, Fred invites Grady over to watch the fight on TV, and when Grady sees the TV, which has a tic-tac-toe game etched on the side of it, he identifies the TV as one he used to own and that had recently been stolen. When Fred refuses to acknowledge his claim, Grady says he’s going to call the police. Meanwhile, Julio comes over to watch the fight with Lamont, but Fred doesn’t want him there and questions why he isn’t watching it at his own house. Julio tells him that he doesn’t have a TV but is saving up for one. So far, he has $50, so Fred offers him the hot TV for $50, telling him that he wants to put down $50 for a new one. Grady then arrives with Officers Hoppy and Jones (Bernie Hamilton), who tracks the TV as being stolen from Dan the TV Man. It seems Grady has also bought the TV from Guy’s Groovy Grab-bag, and they stole it back from him. Fred is forced to return the $50 to Julio, so he’s out the money and Grady is out the TV. Fred and Lamont wind up keeping the original set that has to be pounded on by Fred and Grady while Lamont and Julio watch the fight. 11/26/22
• 044. Lamont, Is That You? – 10/19/1973
  • One night after seeing the dirty movie Deep Lips, Lamont and Rollo wander into the Gay Blade bar for a beer. They quickly realize they’re in a gay bar and make a hasty exit, but not before Bubba and his date Lucille Pinkney (Cardella di Milo) see the entering. Bubba ends his date so he can run over to Fred’s and give him the news. Fred doesn’t believe it initially, but soon starts to question Lamont’s sexuality himself, especially since Lamont keeps hanging out with Rollo rather than going out with his girl Jeannie Bell (Judy Ann Fisher). Fred calls the doctor Dr. Caldwell (Davis Roberts) to come check out Lamont and see if he can tell if he’s gay. Caldwell says he’ll try to ask him some leading questions and see if he can tell, but all of the results are inconclusive so the doctor can only answer by saying: “I don’t know.” The next time Lamont and Rollo go out, Fred decides to take Bubba with him and follow them. They head over to the Gay Blade to wait for Lamont and Rollo to arrive, while Lamont tells Rollo he can’t go with him after all. Rollo sees Fred and Bubba enter the Gay Blade, and runs back and reports his findings with Lamont. This leads Lamont to start to suspect that his father and Bubba are gay. Lamont tries to be sensitive as he enters a serious discussion with Fred, while Fred naturally assumes Lamont is trying to tell him that he is gay. Eventually it comes out that Lamont canceled on Rollo so that he can go out with Jeannie Bell. Lamont offers to take her back home in order to continue the discussion with Fred, but Fred tells him that he has a standing date with Donna, leaving both Fred and Lamont quite relieved. 3/30/22
• 045. Fuentes, Fuentes, Sanford & Chico – 10/26/1973
  • Fred is playing with a reel-to-reel tape recorder when he is supposed to be getting Lamont’s breakfast. Furthermore, when Lamont tries to get his own food, Fred wants him out of his refrigerator and his kitchen. Lamonts tells Fred he’s going to go eat breakfast at Julio’s cooked by his mother Providencia (Alma Beltran). He also tells Fred that he and Julio are creating a side business for auto parts since Julio is bringing in a lot of tires and Lamonts is finding a lot of car parts. Fred is immediately against the idea and feels like Lamont is abandoning him. Later that day once Lamont and Julio return from working out the details out of their business, the come home and find that Fred is gone, and he has left a recorded message that he is leaving home and Lamont will never see him again. Grady stops by to pick up Fred’s Bible and lets it slip that Fred is staying at the Mercy Mission on Main. Lamonts tries to talk him out of staying at a 35-cents a day flophouse, but Fred stubbornly refuses to leave. Providencia had hoped to make some Puerto Rican pigs knuckles to celebrate Fred returning and is disappointed to hear that he didn’t come home. Lamont gets an idea and goes back to see Fred, telling him that Julio and his mother and Chico the goat have moved in with him and is making a big deal in Fred’s kitchen. Sure enough, Fred shows up back at the house and tells Lamont that he isn’t having dinner with the Fuenteses. When Lamont tells him that he can invite over whoever he wants, Fred counters that he too can invite anyone he wants over for dinner. And he has: the entire population of the Mercy Mission. The next morning, Fred takes the dishes outside to scrub them down, telling Lamont he can’t get rid of the smell in the kitchen. Lamonts find that Julio’s mother has left a batch of Mofongo in the kitchen. Fred vows to get rid of it, but once he tastes it, he can’t stop eating it to cook Lamont his breakfast. Louis Guss is the mission caretaker. 5/8/23
• 046. Superflyer – 11/12/1973
  • Fred notices a stranger in their yard snooping around and is reluctant to answer it when he comes to the door. It turns out his name is Lester Barrington (Wally Taylor) and he works for a law firm. He has come to tell Fred that his Uncle Leotis has passed away and left him $1500. However, the condition is that Fred has to go to St. Louis and take care of the funeral arrangements. Fred wants to take a train, but Lamont suggests that they need to get there as soon as possible. Fred, unfortunately, is scared to death of flying and thinks he has a heart attack when he realizes how high he will be. Lamont gets them first class tickets and they head to the airport. Fred gets stopped by a security guard (Joseph Hoover) when he buzzes at the metal detector. It turns out he is carrying religious symbols from every religion to protect him on the flight. Once they get on the plane, Fred begins looking for Jackie, who could be seen in the TWA commercials of the era. However, he only finds Carol (Terry Lumley), and then Susan (Annazette Chase). Fred then nearly picks a flight with a smoker (Pat McCormick) until he realizes he is a head taller than Fred. He causes more chaos when it comes time to order the food and beverages. However, when he finds out that the food is free, he is thrilled… and takes the chicken that he smuggled onto the plane and tries to second class. He also worries that his oxygen mask won’t drop and that he doesn’t have an emergency window. Eventually, they arrive in St. Louis and meet with Mr. Menton (Rudy Challenger) at the funeral home. After they sign off on the casket and headstone that he picked for them, Fred is asked to endorse the check. They then realize that there will barely be enough money for them to fly back home, since they were expected to pay for all of the funeral expenses. Distraught over the entire affair, Fred asks their stewardess Wendy (Sherry Boucher) for Jackie again. This time there is actually a stewardess named Jackie (Norma Miller)… but Fred finds her to be horribly ugly and heads to the toilet. 5/8/23
• 047. The Members of the Wedding aka The Engagement – 11/9/1973
  • While Fred and Donna are out on a romantic date at the beach, Donna tells Fred that she has received a marriage proposal from Oscar Perkins. She wants to know if she and Fred are truly going to get married since Fred hasn’t made a move since their engagement. Fred agrees that he’s finally ready to tie the knot. In fact, he’s ready to get married on Sunday, just two days away. He says they can get a minister to his house and have the wedding there. Fred dreads telling Lamont, and sure enough, Lamont does put up a fuss. He tells Fred that Donna told him the line about Oscar just to trap him into marrying her. Even though Rollo is impressed by Fred hooking up with an attractive woman, Lamont tells him that he knows how to put a stop to it. His plan is to invite their family members, actually all relatives of Fred’s late wife Elizabeth. Fred brings in Reverend Trimble (Alvin Childress), and Lamont tells Fred that he’s changed his mind, and that Fred has every right to be happy. Lamont then admits that he told a few people about the wedding: Aunt Esther, who will bring along Woodrow “Woody the Wino” Anderson (DeForest Covan), and Uncle Jake “The Jackass” (Mel Bryant), Aunt Minnie “The Moocher” (Esther Sutherland), and Uncle Edgar (Bobby Johnson) and Aunt Flossie (Dorothy Meyer). Most of them get on Fred’s nerves as soon as they get there, with the guys all lust after Donna’s massages. Once Donna shows up, the women take her into the kitchen to question her. Esther gives Donna a particularly hard time about not having a church wedding, until Donna finally blows her stack and calls the ladies all witches, then storms out of the house. Likewise, Fred throws all of the guys out of the house and has to hold back Esther from attacking Donna. Fred tells Lamont that he knew that this would happen, and then realizes Lamont knew it too, causing him to attack Lamont with a baseball bat. He later talks to Donna to try and het her to try the wedding again, before taking the cake and going after Lamont to shove it down his throat. 9/14/23
• 048. The Blind Mellow Jelly Collection aka The Chameleon – 11/16/1973
  • Instead of cleaning out the closet like Lamont told him to do, Fred spends the afternoon listening to his old Blind Mellow Jelly 78rpm albums. Lamont is annoyed when he comes home and finds this and tells Fred that he’s going to try and sell the records. Fred is resistant until Lamont tells him that if he donates them to a library, he can write them off as a donation on his taxes. Fred likes this idea, so they head to the library and turn them into the head librarian Mr. Archibald (Bryan O’Byrne). When he writes a receipt for the donation, Fred is stunned to find out that they were valued at $500. Fred immediately wants them back, but Lamont says they can’t be retrieved after they are donated. Fred suggests that if Blind Mellow Jelly asked for them back, Mr. Archibald would likely give them to him. Since Blind Mellow Jelly is dead, Fred gets the idea to bring Bubba into the library and claim to be Blind Mellow Jelly’s son, Potbelly. While Bubba repeats the phrase “I want my Daddy’s records,” Fred lies through his teeth about giving away Potbelly’s father’s personal collection. Archibald finally agrees to give them back. At home, Fred has Lamont call a record shop and finds out that they’ll pay between five and ten dollars per album. Although Lamonts thinks the whole thing is shady, he agrees to take the records to the shop and sell them. Bubba takes the records to put on the truck, but as they are leaving, Bubba tells Fred he forgot to put them on the truck. When Lamonts backs up, he runs over the entire stack of albums crushing them all. Fred is relieved that he at least left one record on the player, and spend the whole day listening to it and ignoring his chores. He then becomes ready to sell the last record. When Bubby stops by, he nearly sits on the record, but Fred saves it. He then throws it on his own chair and sits on it himself and crushes it. 9/14/23
• 049. A House Is Not a Pool Room – 11/23/1973
  • After a date with Donna, she asks Fred if she can come into the house, where Fred is surprised by Lamont and his friends Grady, Bubba, Leroy, and Skillet with a birthday party where they present him with a brand-new pool table. Fred is thrilled and immediately begins playing with his friends. He then spends the entire next day playing to the point that he burns Lamont’s frozen TV dinner and hardly gets any work done. Then that evening, all of his friends return for more pool, causing Lamont to have to sacrifice his time on the phone and the bathroom because Fred’s friends have taken over the house. Donna shows up for a date with Fred and is annoyed because he wants her to sit in the kitchen where he can alternate her time with him and playing pool with his friends. Lamont tells Donna that they need to find a way to get rid of the pool table. The next time all of Fred’s friends come over to play, Lamont prepares them a huge stack of cold cut sandwiches, causing Fred to balk at the amount of food he is handing out. Lamont tells him that if he’s going to have friends over, he needs to feed them properly, then asks for more money so that Lamont can go back to the grocery store and get more food and drinks. Once Fred realizes they have also drunk all of his Scotch, he also decides that his pool table must go. He gets Grady to come over and help him move the pool table outside in the middle of the night, and then meets with their friend Otis Littlejohn (Matthew “Stymie” Beard), who buys the table off of him for $75. Fred then hides the money under the couch cushion and pretends he has been robbed. Unbeknownst to him, Lamont has been watching all of this go on. Fred tells Lamont the story about how he fended off five robbers, but when he tripped, they were able to steal the pool table. Lamont secretly swipes the money from under the cushion and puts it on the floor, telling Fred that they broke even since one of the robbers apparently dropped his wad of cash. That night, Fred plans to take Donna out again and asks Lamont if he can have the $75 since it was his birthday, so Lamont agrees to give it to him. When Donna arrives, Fred acts as if he doesn’t want to spend money on dinner and a movie, so Lamont makes it known that Fred just came into some money. Fred the begrudgingly has no choice but to take her out for a night on the town. 1/14/24
• 050. Grady, the Star Boarder – 11/30/1973
  • Fred had Grady over to watch the fights, and while he is there, he mentions that the Fergusons, with whom he lives, are constantly fighting, and as soon as he gets his pension, he’s going to move out to somewhere quiet. When Fred finds out that he’s currently playing the Fergusons $60 per month, and needing money so he can afford to take Donna to Disneyland for her birthday, he asks Lamont about the prospect of Grady moving in with them. Lamont is reluctant, but Fred makes the case that Lamont isn’t making any money in the junk business, and they could use the cash. Lamont agrees, so Fred makes the offer to Grady, who is overcome with emotion to be moving in with ‘family’ – even though he can never remember Lamont’s name. Fred has Grady take his room, and then tells Lamont he is going to take his room, while Lamont sleeps on the couch. When Lamont balks at this, they agree to use an army cot and alternate sleeping in the living room. However, when they hear how loud Grady is snoring, neither wants to sleep upstairs at all. The next morning, Lamonts is annoyed when Grady is spending too much time in the bathroom, and Fred gets annoyed when he finds out Grady has eaten all of the eggs. Futhermore, Fred and Grady can’t agree about what to watch on TV, and when Donna stops by to massage Fred’s neck, Grady complains about his own neck, so she turns her attention to him. Fred admits to Lamont that he regrets his decision to move Grady in, so they conspire to make the experience so bad for Grady that he wants to move out. Almost as soon as he arrives with his suitcase, Lamont starts yelling at Fred for forgetting to cook dinner. The fight escalates until they are going fisticuffs, with Grady getting hit a few times during the action. Before he even bothers to unpack, Grady takes his suitcase and leaves. Fred and Lamont congratulate each other, but when Lamont suggest that they have dinner, Fred admits that he really did forget to cook dinner. Their fighting starts all over, but for real this time, as they are once again reduced to fisticuffs. Later, Donna comes over to massage Fred’s neck since she feels Fred has been short-changed. However, Lamont tries to get on the action this time, before Fred can throw him out of the house. Fred hints that he needs some money, so Donna offers to loan it to him, but Fred tells her that the reason is a surprise, which she will find out once they get to Disneyland. 1/14/24

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