The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – ABC

Created by Sidney Sheldon and William Asher

Theme song written by Sid Ramin and Robert Wells. Performed by the Skip-Jacks.

• 000. Pilot – UNAIRED 1963
  • Editor Martin Lane is irritated with his San Francisco Express newspaper publisher J.R. Castle for changing his editorials, and he makes an off-the-cuff statement to the secretary that he intends to quit and move to Europe. The Lane family stuck in traffic late for work trying to meet his niece Cathy upon her arrival at the airport from Scotland. Cathy has given up on waiting for them and has gone to Martin’s office, where everyone thinks she is Patty. When she is asked where her father is, she replies that he is in Scotland. This causes Mr. Castle to assume he has quit and immediately replace him with Albert Marcus. Cathy then heads to the Lane house, where she meets Patty’s new boyfriend Richard who attempts to kiss her and gets a smack in the face. He tells her that he plans to give his ring to Sue Ellen, and dumps Patty the next time he sees her. Finally Cathy meets her new family, and everyone is astounded how much they look alike, including Patty herself, who wants to use her to see if they can pass for each other. After they practice the ‘mirror routine’ together, Patty pretends to be Cathy in front of her family but becomes upset and resentful of Cathy when they tell her how much they hope she will be a big influence on Patty, who is in need of guidance and can be very selfish. Cathy then poses as Patty in order to find out what was said. Everyone falls for it, except for Patty’s brother Ross (Charles Herbert), who can tell them apart immediately. Cathy feels horrible, so she arranges it to get Richard back for Patty, who is all too happy to be dating ‘twins’… or so he thinks. When Mr. Castle gets a look at the paper under the editorship of Marcus, he finds it too flat and demands that the secretary get Martin back. Martin happens to call in to clear the air and gets a treat when he hears Mr. Castle groveling… and promising never to touch his editorials again. Evan Nord is the stewardess. NOTE: Much of the footage from the pilot was later used as flashback sequences in the Season 1 episode The Cousins. 5/30/21

• 001. The French Teacher – 9/18/1963
  • Patty Lane (Patty Duke) is a rambunctious high school student living in her Brooklyn Heights home with her father Martin (William Schallert), editor of the The Chronicle newspaper, mother Natalie (Jean Byron), and younger brother Ross (Paul O’Keefe). Her more reserved identical cousin Cathy (Patty Duke) has come from Europe to live with the family. Patty’s father is a bit disillusioned by Patty’s poor report card in comparison to Cathy’s straight A’s. Patty’s worst subject is French in which she scores a 65. However her new French teacher Andre Malon (Jean-Pierre Aumont) not only grabs her romantic attention, but vows to make her his guinea pig to see if he can help her get her grade up. She instantly falls in love with him, abandons her boyfriend Richard Harrison (Eddie Applegate), and studies constantly, bringing her grade up to 100. However when Mr. Malon finds out that she has romantic intentions, he goes to see Mr. Lane for advice. Malon tries to make himself as unappealing as possible, but Patty is blinded by her love. Cathy finally shows Patty how she’s destroyed Richard’s grades and football career, and how is going to join the Merchant Marines. Patty then realizes that Richard needs her more than Andre and ‘breaks it off’ – just in time before his fiancee comes from Paris to meet him. Mr. Lane hardly cares that Patty’s French grade drops back to a 65. Kim Haley is Alice. 3/25/15
• 002. The Genius – 9/25/1963
  • National Educational Testing Survey specialist Mr. Snell (Paul Lynde) comes to Brooklyn Heights High School to administer an automated intelligence test. When Mr. Snell leaves the room, Patty gets frustrated and hits buttons on the machine causing it to go haywire. The results somehow indicate that Patty has scored the highest grade ever and is a genius. Snell and Patty’s Psychology teacher Edwina Morgan (Hildy Parks) visit the Lanes and insists that her parents give her the freedom to do whatever she wants; Patty doesn’t object. She is placed in a gifted class with a handful of independent thinkers including Antonia (Coni Hudak), Emil (Billy McNally), Peter (George Grant), and August (John C. Attle). She takes full advantage of her new position by not doing chores and staying up late watching movies. Snell then brings the president of his organization Mr. Hawks (Bud Truland) to the school to let him watch Patty take the test. They catch her pushing the forbidden buttons, and realize that she had inadvertently programmed the computer to answer its own questions. Snell has to tell the Lanes that Patti not a genius, and she is rewarded by getting assigned a multitude of chores. 3/25/15 
• 003. The Elopement – 10/2/1963
  • Natalie and the kids are planning a surprise getaway for Martin at their honeymoon cabin at Lake George. Martin meanwhile is working on a story for his paper about teenagers getting married. His publisher J.R. Castle (John McGiver) spots Patty and Richard picking up a fishing license for her father, and thinks that they are getting a marriage license. When he reports it to Martin, he jumps to the same conclusion and does everything in his power to put a stop to it including talking to Richard, cancelling the cabin reservation from Mr. Landers (Nathaniel Frey), and even ripping up the license… all before finding out the truth about the trip. Landers sends some trout for the Lanes to grill; as they prepare it Castle overhears Patty telling Richard about a class assignment that involves a wedding gown. 6/8/15
• 004. The House Guest – 10/9/1963
  • Martin speaks to his brother Kenneth (William Schallert), a foreign correspondent who also works for The Chronicle, in France, who tells them that their aunt Pauline (Ilka Chase) is coming for a visit. She immediately turns the house upside down by taking over Martin and Natalie’s room, kicking Natalie out of the kitchen and preparing ‘beet steaks’, keeping the windows open to keep the house cold, and making the all perform as a band with their instruments. She is particularly hard on Cathy and disapproves of her father Kenneth’s lifestyle of traveling. When she goes too far in putting him down, Cathy lets her have it and tells her what everyone thinks of her. Pauline leaves and goes to a hotel, but Cathy goes to apologize and convince her that everyone needs her. As the family begins to miss her and play their instruments, Pauline shows up again to conduct them. 6/8/15
• 005. The Birds and the Bees Bit – 10/16/1963
  • Ross is being pursued by a little girl named Nikki Lee Blake (Susan Melvin) who just moved to town from Virginia. Ross’s mother makes a date for him to attend the upcoming school dance with Nikki, and Ross is mortified. Cathy tries to console Ross, but Patty just blows him off until her father reminds her of the anxiety that she had felt on her first date. Patty has a change of heart and she and Cathy coach him through dancing, conversation, and etiquette. When the time for the dance comes, Ross fakes having pneumonia, but Nikki in her dress is so pretty and charming, that Ross changes his story and they head off to the dance. Ross gets a kiss on the cheek from Nikki after the dance which puts Ross on cloud nine, but he still pretends to be unfazed by the experience. Just when Patty is about to give up on him, Ross thanks her for allowing him the greatest night of his life. 7/30/15
• 006. The Slumber Party – 10/23/1963
  • Patty and Cathy have a slumber party with their girlfriends including Alice, Mary (Pamela Toll), and Emily (Joanne Mariano). Ross feels left out and ends up tape recording the girls’ conversations about boys and teachers, then threatens to reveal the information if Patty and Cathy don’t agree to become his servants, doing his homework, cleaning his room, and waiting on him hand and foot. Patty is particularly nervous that Ross will reveal to Richard what she said about how dreamy Paul Martin is. Cathy finally get an idea on how to turn the tables on Ross, and has Patty pretend to call Paul Martin. Ross brings out his tape recorder to record her faux conversation, and the girls steal it from him and record him pontificating on how easy it is to fool his parents. They are ready to use this as ammo, when Mr. Lane tells the girls how he feels they have all been ignoring Ross. Patty calls off the revenge and ends up helping him with his cookout with his friends. Ross confesses to Patty that he really loves her. John Spencer appears as Henry. Timothy Neufeld is Tom, in the first of eight various roles. 8/2/15
• 007. The Babysitters – 10/30/1963
  • After Patty blows up at Richard for being late, he says he is going to take Sue Ellen to the upcoming dance. Patty acts like she doesn’t care, but then wants to buy a new dress to impress him and win him back. When her father won’t giver her the money for it, she hatches a scheme to open a babysitting business, and ropes Richard into being the manager. They go door-to-door selling their services, with Patty implying that Richard is a doctor. They end up with five jobs in the same apartment building. Cathy agrees to help and watches two of the infants, while Patty and Richard watch the whiny Edmund (John Woodstock) and the prankster Bobby Mickel (Donny Melvin). With Bobby’s pranks the entire night turns into nightmare of practical jokes. Richard ends up calling of his date with Sue Ellen and takes Patty back, claiming that she can’t get along without him. Bobby sends an exploding corsage as a token of his affection. Heywood Hale Broun is Bobby’s father. Chet Leming and Susan Strong are the Greshams. 10/27/15
• 008. The Conquering Hero – 11/6/1963
  • When Martin finds out that the star center of the Brooklyn Heights High School basketball team Elliot “Stretch” Edwards (Larry Poland) has moved to Detroit, he offers to let Stretch stay with them so that he can play in the championship game. Despite the fact that he is very clumsy and begins accidentally destroying the family belongs, Coach Coglan (Charles Nelson Reilly) is ecstatic to have him back… until he finds out from his wife, the school English teacher (Jane Connell), that Stretch is failing her class. Cathy immediately begins working with him by playing the answers on a tape machine while he sleeps, which unfortunately doesn’t work. When she realizes that he has memorized all of his plays by play numbers, she begins feeding him answers by number, so that when she calls them out, he can recite them. During the test, Cathy tries to find ways to ‘call out’ the numbers to him… until she is ejected from class. Stretch still manages to pass the test without the play numbers… but then the coach realizes that Stretch has measles and cannot play anyway. 10/27/15
• 009. The President – 11/13/1963
  • Patty and Cathy are both nominated to run for president of the Girls League at their school. At first they are both going to withdraw but their rivalry gets the best of them and they decide to brutally undertake their campaign, with Patty’s focus on fun and Cathy’s platform of academics. Richard runs Patty’s campaign while Ted (Skip Hinnant) runs Cathy, with Ross acting as a spy and counter-spy for both girls. Richard conducts a straw poll and determines that Patty is the end the lead 50/30, with Susan Baxter (Joyce Richardson), who is barely waging a campaign at all coming up the rear. Cathy calls for a debate, and Patty agrees. They call a temporary truce and call off the debate but egos prevail and the re-enter the debate. When the results are announced, Patty’s parents find a packed suitcase and think Patty is running away because she lost, but it turns out that both girls were defeated by Susan and that they’ve buried the hatchet. The suitcase was filled with clothes for a charity drive that Susan was conducting. Ross announces that he too has been nominated for fifth grade president. Patricia Bosworth is Miss Morgan. 1/1/16
• 010. Double Date – 11/20/1963
  • Patty and Cathy are co-hosting a party and dance contest at their house. Patty’s mom insists that she get her flu shot before the party, but she wants to put it off and suggests to Cathy that she stand in for her. Cathy refuses, but Patty’s mom has already called Dr. Williams (Ralph Bell) and warned him that they might try the switcheroo. Cathy is immediately mistaken for Patty and gets the shot from the nurse (Lu Leonard), which causes her to have a reaction since she’s already had her shot. Cathy has to sit out the party because of her illness, but Patty has the idea to pose as her for her boyfriend Ted so that he doesn’t get another date. Patty spends the evening posing alternately as herself and Cathy for both dates, Ted and her own date Richard. She and Ted win the contest, but Patty is irritated that ‘she’ has lost to ‘Cathy’. Eventually Ted and Richard wind up in a fight and Patty ends up getting a black eye in the process. Margaret Hamilton stars as the confused maid. 1/1/16
• 011. The Actress – 11/27/1963
  • Although Patty has no real interest in acting, when she goes along with Richard to an audition for a high school performance of Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra, she gets dragged into trying out herself and is chosen for the lead by Hollywood Assistant Director Mr. Strassman (Alan Mowbray), while Cathy is relegated to the supporting role of Iras. Patty begins to think that she might have real potential as actress so she sends a fake note to movie studios mogul Dore Schary (Walter Kattwinkle) indicating that Patty is a big deal. As the play nears, Patty finds out that Schary is in fact going to attend, but she comes down with a croak in her throat rendering unable to talk. Dr. Lewis (Matt Crowley) indicates that it is psychosomatic stage fright, and consequently Cathy, her understudy, has to step in for her. During the performance, Patty’s voice suddenly returns so she hightails it to the school and dresses as Cleopatra and makes her way onto the stage… despite the fact that Cathy refuses to relinquish her role. A 20th Century Fox talent scout named Ryan (Jon Stone) thinks the whole play is a comedy with both cousins on stage as Cleopatra, and ends up offering Patty a contract. However with the pressure, she suddenly loses her voice all over again. John C. Attle is Henry. Adeline Leonard is Schary’s secretary. Jeff Siggins is Eros, in the first of ten various roles. Jill Hill is Sue. 3/6/16
• 012. How to Be Popular – 12/4/1963
  • During a party at Patty and Cathy’s house, Cathy overhears Patty trying to bribe Henry into spending time with her, although he is reluctant and pegs her as a wallflower. Cathy fantasizes about being ultra-popular and being picked up for a date by Frankie Avalon (himself). Cathy looks writes to advice columnist Aunt Jane for tips on how to be more popular, and receives a brochure called You Can Be Popular. Following the book, she tries being generous but ends up stuck with everyone’s Latin homework. Trying to be honest, she causes a fight among her family when she criticizes her Aunt Natalie’s dress. When she tries to be interested in Craig (Joey Trent), he thinks Cathy is pressing him because his uncle was a bigamist. Patty advises Cathy to be herself and share her extensive experiences. Cathy then introduces an African tribal dance she learns, which piques the interest of all of the kids… and also takes the spotlight off of Patty. When Cathy and Richard try to plan a surprise party for Patty, she thinks that Cathy has stolen him away, so she turns to Aunt Jane as well. 3/6/16
• 013. The Songwriters – 12/11/1963
  • Patty is afraid of losing Richard to Sue Ellen Turner and her father’s sports car, so she sends him a poem called When Love Is Gone that she plagiarized from published poet Charles Worth Remington (Paul McGrath). Later the cousins are watching The Jimmy Dean Show and Cathy hears that he is hosting a songwriting contest. Cathy puts music to the lyrics and Richard suggests that they enter it into Jimmy Dean’s contest. Patty admits to Cathy that she stole the words, and they first attempt to get Richard to not mail it, and then to retrieve it from the show producer Sam Cramer (Phil Foster), but the song ends up winning and is sung on national TV by Jimmy Dean (himself). Amidst the calls of congratulations, Patty gets a letter from Remington himself. Patty and the family are afraid that Remington will want financial restitution, but he only comes to thank Patty and Cathy, as he had written it to his true love Alice twenty-five years earlier, but they had lost contact with each other. Hearing the song performed led them both to the TV stuio where they reconnected. Even though Remington says they can keep all the song royalties, Martin insists that they set up a scholarship with the money. Judy Sheridan is the secretary. Joel Crager is the show announcer. Pierre Epstein is a song writer. 6/13/16
• 014. The Princess Cathy – 12/18/1963
  • Patty and Cathy are followed home by a teenage boy named Kalmere Prikashmon (Richard Caruso), who goes by ‘Kal’ and hails from the country of Buchanistan. Because he mentions living with many others under his roof and having never touched money before, the family assumes that he is poor. Kal admits he is there to learn the American way of life. Both Patty and Cathy vie for his affections, but it is ultimately Cathy with whom he is interested. When he gives her a giant emerald as a gift, Martin becomes suspicious and realizes that Kal is in fact the Crown Prince of Buchanistan, whose Uncle General Sureka (Daniel Ocko) is a United Nations delegate. Kal proposes marriage to Cathy, and much to everyone’s surprise, she accepts. Martin and Natalie try to talk her out of it, but she only agrees to sign the marriage contract and then join him in marriage when she turns 18 and graduates. However she ends up calling off the ceremony when she realizes that she will only be the first of many wives for Kalmere. Later she is consoled when she receives a letter from Kal postmarked from Catherineville. 6/13/16
• 015. The Christmas Present – 12/25/1963
  • As the family gets ready for Christmas, J.R. Castle informs Martin that his brother Kenneth has been arrested in the country of Kurdistan when his friend, a rebel general inciting a revolution, sneaks him into the country to cover the revolution. He also tells Martin that when he returns, Martin will need to fire him. After a couple of failed attempts to break the news to Cathy, she finally finds out and is devastated… but still has faith that her father will arrive for the holiday, as he had every year prior no matter no matter how futile it seemed. Patty suggests the idea that Martin will pose as his brother in order to fulfill her wish. Martin reluctantly agrees, and on Christmas Eve he shows up wearing a fake mustache. Martin begins to go off-script and throws Patty and Natalie for a loop, but then the real Martin shows up in a fake mustache, since the one they thought was fake had actually been the real Kenneth all along. However the troubles don’t end there as Martin is forced by J.R. to tell him that he is fired. Joel Crager is newscaster Alan Miller. NOTE: This is the first part of a two-part episode. 9/3/16
• 016. Auld Lang Syne – 1/1/1964
  • No one can get in the New Years spirit, as the Lane family laments the firing as Kenneth. Patty disguises herself as Cathy and tries to make a plea with J.R. that he let her return, but he gets angry when he realizes he is being tricked. Cathy and Patty then decide that J.R. will have no choice but to hire him back if Kenneth becomes a best-selling author. Kenneth begins work on his memoirs, and the girls negotiate a contract with publisher Bennett Blake (Peter Turgeon), who has been anxious to get a book out of him anyway. However this falls through when Kenneth just can’t seem to write anything he likes. AS the revolution in Kurdistan works it way into national news. J.R. asks Martin to re-hire and Kenneth and send him back to Kurdistan since the general will only grant interviews to Kenneth. Martin forces J.R. to be the one to re-hire Kenneth, who has been looking for another job where he can remain stable and local and be with Cathy, who convinces him to take the job doing what he loves. As his plane departs, the clock strikes midnight and Cathy and Patty welcome in another year. Toni Darnay is Blake’s secretary. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 9/4/16
• 017. Horoscope – 1/8/1964
  • Patty needs five dollars for her mother’s birthday gift, and gets an idea how to raise it when she reads Ross’s astrology magazine and accurately predicts that her father will almost get hit by a car. She decides to study up on astrology and start charging to read fortunes. The business takes off when most of her predictions seem to come true. He father finds the notion ridiculous, and only agrees to allow her to continue if she stops charging. Patty bypasses this by only accepting contributions, and gets Cathy to pose as her in fortune telling garb. Things start to get messy when Patty and Cathy give conflicting advice to Susan (Gaye Huston), and a Detective Roberts (Fred Marth) comes questioning. They try to tell him that they’re rehearsing for a play, but when Richard comes complaining about his fortune. Roberts lets them off with a warning, and Cathy volunteers to donate the money they’ve made. Patty’s new horoscope advises her to look for a different career. Patty’s father ends up advancing her allowance so she can get her mother a gift. She then starts to see the effects of her advice-gone-wrong to Ross, Richard, and Susan. Joyce Richardson is Betty. Brooke Winsten is Phyliss. Jane Buchanan is Agnes. 11/24/16
• 018. The Tycoons – 1/15/1964
  • Patty thinks that the ‘catnip’ dress that Cathy made is atrocious, until all of the other girls fancy it and ask her to make them one. Cathy sees the business opportunity and charges their classmates $9.95 a dress. The girls form the World Wide Dress Company and go to see designer Gregory Madison (Robert Q. Lewis) and he gives them some advice about the manufacturing process. They then meet with a department store buyer named Miss Mason (Neva Patterson) and she orders two gross on consignment. Things start to become complicated when they have to arrange an assembly line in their home, and even more so when they are visited by small business government agent Mr. Dobson (Truman Smith). The final nail in the coffin is when one of the girls invents an outfit with pictures of customers’ boyfriends on them. Richard figures out that they are stuck with $150 worth of dresses. Patty is depressed and feel like a wash-out, but her parents tell her that they are proud that they followed through with a dream. Martin agrees to pay for half of the dresses if they donate them all to a relief organization, and allows the girls to pay him back $2.00 a week. Leslie Eustace is the secretary. Kitty Sullivan is Sue Ellen Turner. Jane Buchanan is Mary. Brooke Winsten is Helen. 11/25/16
• 019. Author! Author! – 1/22/1964
  • When Patty finds out about 16-year old French author Francoise du Par, who has written a best seller and is getting a movie deal, she decides she too could write a novel about teenage life. She isolates herself in the attic for days to write her novel, which includes fantastic tales of war, romance, and cooking recipes, alienating Richard who can’t get any time with her. When she is finally completed she lets her father read it, but his harsh criticisms of it being too derivative of other authors upsets Patty. She decides to shop for a publisher herself and to everyone’s surprise, she gets a telegram from a publisher who wants to stop by and sign her to a contract. When he publisher Mr. Blair (Roger C. Carmel) stops by in person, Martin realizes that he is with a ‘vanity’ publisher and wants $1500 to publish the book, threatening that Patty has signed a contract and that he could sue. However when Martin reveals that Patty is only 16 years old and that he is the managing editor of the New York Chronicle, Blair agrees to print up 100 copies for her at his expense. 3/6/17 
• 020. The Continental – 1/29/1964
  • Martin comes home with some news for the family: he’s being assigned to an overseas bureau in Paris. He thinks they’ll hate it, but everyone is ecstatic. The family excitedly begins packing while real estate agent Will Cameron (William LaMessena) begins showing the house off to various families. Patty bids an emotional farewell to Richard, while Ross’s friends Nicki Lee and Billy (Jeffrey Fairbanks). A phone man (Carl Clark) disconnects Patty’s phone and Mr. Popodapolous (Henry Lascoe) brings a ‘return soon’ gift and tells Natalie how much the neighborhood will miss them. During their final dinner in the house, everyone acts sullen, and Cathy receives a visit from Ted who begs her to stay. No one can stop talking about the people they are leaving behind, much to Martin’s irritation. Natalie tells the kids it is too late to change their minds now, just before Martin comes home with the ‘bad’ news that the trip is cancelled, much to the family’s delight. Ruth Kobart is potential renter Mrs. Atkinson. 3/7/17
• 021. Let ‘Em Eat Cake – 2/5/1964
  • In fierce competition with Mrs. Davis (Shannon Bolin), Natalie prepares a cake for the bazaar, but before she can enter it, Patty comes home and eats a slice of it. They are able to get Mrs. Williams (Margaret Hamilton) to make a similar cake, but Ross eats a piece of that. The girls and Ross then try to prepare their own disastrous, giant cake to enter, but it ends up collapsing. Patty visits Mr. Brown (George S. Irving) at the bakery and buys a cake to enter, and after Martin sees the disastrous kitchen, he does the same thing. It turns out that Mr. Brown is the also the contest judge and immediately recognizes his own cakes. Although Mrs. Davis is sure that she has the contest in the bag, Mr. Brown picks yet another cake… which turns out to be one that Natalie quickly whipped up once she saw the state of the kitchen. Lia Waggner is Mrs. Roberts. 8/27/17
• 022. Going Steady – 2/12/1964
  • Richard asks Patty to go steady, and although her parents both think that she is too young to wear his ring, they agree to it. Immediately Richard begins spending more time at the Lane house, so much so that he begins driving the family crazy, and fights begin to break out between him and Patty. Martin requests to meet with Richard’s father Jonathan (David Doyle), who also disproves of the relationship, but was guilted into allowing it by Richard. Cathy concocts an idea, and Martin follows thought with it: to encourages both Richard and Patty to get married. This idea proves to be too much for them so they break off their ‘going steady’ arrangement. The family anxiously awaits to see what new date will pick Patty up later… but it turns out to be Richard. 8/27/17
• 023. Are Mothers People? – 2/19/1964
  • When Natalie hears a radio broadcast about mothers being unappreciated, she starts to feel the same, noticing how her family takes advantage and ignores her. She confides in her friend Joan Hollis (Joan Copeland), and she suggests some tactical maneuvers to get them to notice her. She starts by feigning illness, but the family still piles the chores on her. Then she goes to the beauty parlor and gets an expensive makeover and a new dress, but they don’t notice that either. Finally she stays out until 10pm without phoning, but when she returns, no one seems to have even noticed. Finally when Natalie starts to get angry and rude with the family, Patty finally takes notice and suggests that her mother must be tired, so she and Cathy begin taking over the chores and cooking. They take it even further by offering to send her on a vacation to Florida for a week… but she becomes even more hurt feeling that she’s not needed and is being sent away without her family. Finally things come to a head and Natalie tells her family that she only wanted a simple thank you. They all apologize and give her a thanks and a hug. Natalie turns off the radio program her next time in the kitchen, and her family shows her appreciation for the next meal… but still piles on the chores. 3/6/18
• 024. The Con Artists – 2/26/1964
  • When a door-to-door vacuum salesman named Mr. Hansen (Paul Reed) comes to the door, Cathy is quick to purchase a Magic Midget vacuum cleaner, but get talked into buying all of the attachments that take it from $29.50 to $145. Patty tries to get her out of it, but ends up buying even more from the salesman. Patty then leads the charge in re-selling it, but when they almost make a sale to Mr. Rogers (Sam Greene), they get scared off when they find out he is a cop and they don’t have a sales permit. They then try to sell to a Mrs. Appleton (Estelle Parsons), but when they try to do a demonstration and dirty her rug, only to find out that her electricity is out, they are chased off. Then they appeal to the nature of Mrs. Smythe (Sybil Bowen) because Cathy is British like she is and finally sell the vacuum cleaner. That night Martin reads an article in the paper about a teenage ‘gang’ selling vacuum cleaners, and vows himself to crack down on the gang in his next editorial. Now scared, the girls return to Mrs. Smythe to buy back the vacuum, but she has become attached to it and charges the girls $10 more. Then the girls take the vacuum to Mrs. Appleton’s house to clean up their mess. Patty and Cathy finally come clean to Martin and ask him to not write the editorial and to tell the salesman that they are minors. Martin agrees to keep the vacuum since they made a deal with the salesman, paying for it himself and expecting installment repayment. The family surprises Natalie with the vacuum for her birthday… but she has also purchased one herself. 3/9/18
• 025. The Perfect Teenager – 3/4/1964
  • Patty finds out that Cathy scored an 85 on a teenage personality test in a magazine, and thinking she should do better, takes it herself. However when she only scores a 10, she becomes depressed and thinks she’s a worthless teenager. Cathy and Richard try to cheer her up but to no avail. She snaps out of it though when she sees an ad to attend a modeling school, and heads to the school and enrolls with the teacher Mrs. Selby (Kaye Ballard). Patty awkwardly works her way though the exercises both at school and at home. Commercial photographer Mr. Pell (Phil Leeds) comes to the school to select a model for his latest advertisement, but Patty tries to avoid eye contact as her interest lies merely in improving herself. Later she finds out from her parents how much models make, so Patty changes her mind and tries to get selected. She is thrilled and starts to get a bit pompous about her newfound fame, but her photo shoots entail her being hit with water, seltzer, and pies, bringing her right back to her lowly state. When Cathy shows her the ad, which is used to promote staying in school, she and Richard are able to convince Patty that she made a great contribution to American society, which perks her back up again. Marcia Strassman, Margo Carpenter, and Mary Small are models. 11/14/18
• 026. Chip Off the Old Block – 3/11/1964
  • Patty announces that she has been appointed editor of her school newspaper the Brooklyn Heights High Bugle, and she gives Cathy the job of writing the editorials. Although Martin recommends that Patty model the paper after his paper The Chronicle, but when Patty find out that the tabloid paper New York Query has a much larger circulation, she opts to go with sensationalist reporting. The principal Mr. Brewster (Charles White) has every faith in Patty and her staff of Cathy, Alice (Joanne Mariano), George (John C. Attle), and Philip (Jeff Siggins), but Patty quickly sends them out to dig up stories on gossip and crime. Cathy goes the traditional route and interviews Mr. Brewsters, who encourages his students to study higher mathematics. Patty is able to turn this story into Mr. Brewster making a pitch for the ‘numbers racket’. Likewise when she is denied watching the student actors (Glenn E. Anderson, K.C. Ligon) rehearse Romeo and Juliet, she writes that they are putting on a play about teenage teenage delinquents. All the while Richard is tired of being ignored by Patty and breaks it off with her. Cathy thinks that the newspaper headlines are a bad idea, so they go see Mr. Roger (Cliff Carpenter), the editor of the Query. He ends up swiping the articles for his paper, which outrages Mr. Brewster and causes him to fire Patty. Suddenly Patty comes to her senses and feels terrible, and although fired from the paper, sneaks in to do one last edition where she confesses her crimes and gracefully resigns. Mr. Brewster realizes she’s learned her lesson and invites her back. The first story she is face with is to introduce Richard’s new girlfriend Sally Ann. Susan Rohall is Sue Ellen. Kevin Mitchell is a student. 11/17/18
• 027. The Wedding Anniversary Caper – 3/18/1964
  • Patty is suspicious when Ross wants to take a photo of her, and for good reason: he plans to enter it into a teen beauty contest in order to win a new TV as a prize to give to his parents for their 20th anniversary. He and his friend Nick (Sal Lombardo) put together the entry and exaggerate Patty’s life story, claiming that her parents were an ace pilot and a baroness who met during the war, and also that Patty has multiple talents, only about half of which are true. This is all unbeknownst to Patty who is knitting her parents matching sweaters, while she and Cathy and the folks are all concerned that Ross has actually forgotten the anniversary altogether. Patty is accepted as a finalist, but then Paul has to tell her the truth because they require her to come down and be seen by the judges. She doesn’t realize that they will be asking her to exhibit some of her talents, but when the chips are down, she goes forward with the plan in order to get the TV for her parents. She performs the song Tell Me Mama, but when they ask her to sing an aria, she has to make a switch and have Cathy sing. The go back and forth exhibiting various talents, and between the two of them, the wind the contest and take home the TV. However once they give it the folks, they all realize that they cheated and return the TV so that the runner-up can win. Ross ends up quickly making a crummy ashtray to give them, as he had in previous years. The folks head off to Lake George for their anniversary, while Ross concocts to try and enter Patty into a tuba contest. 9/8/19
• 028. A Slight Case of Disaster – 3/25/1964
  • Patty’s father gives her $20 for a dress for the upcoming dance. While shopping at Phideau’s with her friend Maggie, she runs into the snooty Sue Ellen that there’s no way Patty can afford an $80 dress. Out of spite, she puts back the $16 one she was looking at, and buys the $80 dress, fully intending to return it. When Cathy needs a dress to wear at her musicale, Natalie suggests that she wear Patty’s new dress. As she plays piano, Frances Gordon (Diane Deering) hits a high note, and a drink glass that Mrs. Atkinson (Fran Lee) is holding shatters and the drink ruins the dress. Cathy is all apologies and tries to help Patty come up with a way to get some money to pay for the dress. When all else fails, they try to return it, but the saleslady (Marijane Maricle) won’t refund it. Patty notices a costume bracelet that closely resembles the gold one that she got for her birthday, so she buys that and takes her gold one to a pawnbroker (Joe E. Marks) who gives her $40. Patty leaves her junk bracelet laying around, and Martin decides to have it engraved for her and brings it back to the jeweler Mr. Carey (Frank Behrens). He notices that the bracelet is worthless and quickly exchanges it, feeling bad for the mistake. However after he thinks about it more, he visits the Lanes to assure them that he didn’t sell the junk bracelet to them. After Patty sees the inscription, she is trying to come clean with the truth when Carey arrives. She admits the truth, Carey agrees to take back the pawned jewelry, Natalie agrees to dye Patty’s dress, and Cathy and Patty agree to split the cost of getting the bracelet out of hock. All is forgiven. Later the girls spot Sue Ellen trying to return her dress, which was ruined when she heard Mrs. Gordon hit her high note, causing her glass to shatter and spill coffee on the dress. Adeline Leonard is the shopper. 3/19/20
• 029. Pen Pals – 4/1/1964
  • Against her parents’ advice, Patty decides to answer an ad in the paper from a boy code-named Lancelot to be a pen pal. His letters make him sound romantic, sensitive, and sophisticated, making Richard seem like a sloppy, dull drip. She becomes increasingly dissatisfied with Richard, and he becomes irritated by her constant nagging. It turns out that Richard is actually Lancelot, but he only knows his pen pal by the handle Guinevere. Eventually they both see the opportunity for someone better suited for them in their life, so they break up. Both of them plan to meet their pen pal at the malt shop, to be identified by carrying the same book. Patty sees Richard with the book and becomes furious that he was communicating with ‘another girl’, and what’s more, misrepresenting himself. Her parents and Cathy see things differently, and aver that Richard actually has those sensitive qualities but is afraid to show them. When Richard gets stood up, he comes to see Patty and apologizes for being such a slob. The two decides to go on a date, and Patty reveals that she was Guinevere. It isn’t long however that they fall back into their same rut. Peggy Lane is Mary. Joan Koll is Alice. 9/8/19
• 030. The Friendship Bit – 4/8/1964
  • Patty has been sneezing uncontrollably, and when Dr. Fayer (Matt Crowley) does an investigation on what she is allergic to and determines that it is Cathy. Patty is in denial that it is true, but all evidence seems to align with this theory. Patty goes to a movie with Richard, but Cathy stays behind depressed thinking that Patty’s ailment is psychosomatic and that her allergy is caused by either fear, hatred, or jealousy. The next day at the malt shop, Cathy is sequestered to sit by herself, which causes their friend Ted (Skip Hinnant) to ask questions, and Alfred (Jiff Siggins) to snicker at Cathy and pretend she is making him sneeze too. This is the last straw and Cathy says that the allergy is Patty’s problem and not hers, and accuses Patty of being a schizophrenic. Martin also surmises that maybe Patty is jealous and resentful of Cathy’s good grades and the fact that they gave Cathy a pin to show how proud they are of her. They ask Patty if that sounds plausible and Patty tries telling Cathy that she is not jealous of her, but the sneezing continues. Patty then tries studying for the Algebra exam with her friends without utilizing Cathy’s help. Cathy meanwhile asks Natalie to take back the pin so that Patty won’t be as jealous. Natalie tells her to keep it, but they buy Patty the same pin. Patty comes home euphoric because she got a B, and is pleased to receive the pin form her parents… but it turns out that the pin makes her sneeze. They realize that Patty was not allergic to Cathy, but to the pin. They find out this too late though, as Cathy has purposely failed her exam so that Patty isn’t jealous any longer. She is permitted to re-take the exam and gets a 100%. Patty admits she is jealous and lets out a sneeze…but only because she is getting a cold. Alberta Grant is Maggie. Jim Begg is the waiter Eddie. 3/19/20
• 031. Patty the Foster Mother – 4/15/1964
  • In class Mrs. Johnson (Natalie Ross) teaches about Korea and the orphans that have been left behind and proposes that the class adopt a boy named Kim Ho Sin (Delfino de Arco) by donating and sending him supplies and encouragement. Patty is gung ho and volunteers to act as his ‘foster mother.’ In fact she goes all in by donating her own clothing allowance, getting an after-school job to make more for him, and sending him letters and care packages several times a week. Everyone in her family kicks in as well, and her father mentions how is very proud of her, and is happy she found something that she can’t possibly get into trouble doing. However when three weeks pass and Patty hasn’t heard from Kim, she starts to think he’s an ungrateful eight-year old. But much to her surprise, Kim shows up at her house one night accompanied by a Mrs. Lomax (Pat Englund) who announces that they have granted Patty’s request to adopt Kim, which apparently she inadvertently made while filling out paperwork to accompany the packages. Kim only speaks Korean except for one word: “mama,” which he uses to refer to Patty. Although they acknowledge Patty’s mistake, her parents say that they can let Kim stay with them, while they try to find a Korean housekeeper to help communicate. Patty becomes motherly with Kim, trying to ensure that he is fed and brushes his teeth. Culture difference abound when they can’t figure out what he eats, so they go after a supply of rice. She tries to teach him to brush his teeth, but he only wants to eat the toothpaste. As they get into the groove, Mrs. Lomax returns and announces that someone had already been approved to adopt Kim, an American soldier with a Korean wife. The family pleads for her to let them keep Kim, but realize it will be best for Kim to be with a Korean mother. Patty and the others are crestfallen. Six months later, Kim comes to visit his old family and shows that he can now speak some English. 6/30/20
• 032. The Drop Out – 4/22/1964
  • Martin has volunteered on a committee to prevent students from dropping out of school, and invites Patty to take part in the group, but she has to decline because… she plans to drop out of school the next week. However this proves to be merely a ruse to try and prevent Richard from dropping out of school. However when she tells him this, he thinks it is a great idea. Patty’s family invites Richard over for dinner, and Mr. Lane has a crack at telling him how important education is, but Richard seems adamant about dropping out, insisting that he needs to make a great deal of money right away. Patty gets so upset that she breaks it off with him. Martin speculates that maybe the family needs money, then when he sees an article in the paper about how his Richard’s father Jonathan’s company Harrison Construction lost a two million dollar turnpike contract, he thinks the mystery has been solved. Patty feels terrible about calling Richard selfish, and the family vows to try and get Jonathan all of the work they can, starting with repairing some holes in their sidewalk. Martin calls Jonathan, who is incredulous he is being offered such insignificant jobs, but assumes that Martin himself must need money. In fact he is discussing with his assistant Pat (Arthur Rubin) another upcoming contract that makes the turnpike seem like small potatoes. Jonathan comes over and reluctantly accepts the jobs to help, but when Patty spills the beans that Richard is planning to drop school, Jonathan tells them all that he is still filthy rich. But then he admits that when Richard asked for more allowance, he told him that he had just lost a two-million dollar contract just to get him off his back. Once Richard learns the truth, his school days and dreams to be a doctor are back on, and so is his date with Patty, who sends Cathy to cover the date that she made with Arthur (now played by Don Scardino). Sammy Smith is Harry the waiter. 6/30/20
• 033. Leave It to Patty – 4/29/1964
  • Patty is running for chairman of the prom committee, but her competition Sue Ellen promises that her father will arrange to get a celebrity to come to the prom. Patty counters by saying that her father can get the biggest star in show business. Martin however tells her that he can’t help her, and so she tries finding out if there are any celebs in town. When Cathy hears Patty playing a new record by current music sensation The Mop – aka Bertram Bristol – Cathy realizes that Bristol is actually her old friend Binky Bristol (Jack Kenny), a classmate from England who once serenaded her. However she refuses to look him up for Patty, so Patty decides to pose as Cathy herself. When Patty annonces that the Mop will be the prom guest, committee classmate Walter (Edmund Gaynes) gives her the job. Patty gets in to see Binky posing as Cathy, and quickly becomes star-struck herself and begins to swoon over him. Binky also tells her that he is far too busy to stop by the school, but when Patty lies and tells him that the dance is a fund-raiser for her ‘Uncle Martin’, who has supposedly lost his job and can no longer feed the family. With that in mind, he agrees to come. When Cathy finds out, she is anxious to call Binky, but Patty tells that she better not because he didn’t remember her…which makes Cathy furious with him. On the night of the prom, he shows up and plays the song Open Up Your Heart, much to the delight of the crowd. On stage Bertram gives credit to his coming to Cathy, who then reveals to Bertram the truth about Patty’s identity. Bertram isn’t angry and tells Cathy that Patty did them a favor by hooking them up, then takes Cathy to reminisce on the way to his TV rehearsal. Patty thinks she got away scot free… until a check for $100 shows up to help Martin. She is grounded from dating and her Mop albums are taken away. When they hear his music coming form elsewhere in the house, they are surprised to find Binky in the living room playing live for the family. Joanne Mariano is billed as Ellen. 10/16/20
• 034. The Little Dictator – 5/6/1964
  • Mrs. Lesset (Natalie Ross) announces that the principal Mr. Brewster is going to announce which student will be appointed as acting-principal for the a week. Patty is anxious to get the job, and when Maggie brings the news that Mr. Brewster wants to see her, she is sure she has gotten the job. However he tells her instead that Cathy has been selected. As the kids in Miss Riley’s class talk over the upcoming basketball game, Cathy enters and tells the class that she is taking over the class for the day. Patty is disruptive and gives smart alec answers to Cathy’s teaching, forcing her to give Patty several demerits. When the class starts to get out of control, Patty comes to Cathy’s defense, and Cathy starts to tear up the demerits. However before she can, Mr. Brewster comes in and sees them and brings her to office, telling her that she has to skip the afternoon school basketball game. Patty is livid with Cathy, and the argument spills over into the home, causing Patty to divide their room in half. When Cathy asks for forgiveness and wants to make up, Patty agrees. But when Richard mentions that Cathy had gone to the basketball game with Richard, Patty becomes furious all over again. Martin and Natlie discuss the situation and realizes that Patty’s pride was hurt both when she wasn’t selected to be president, but also when she was punished. They suggest that Cathy ask Patty to be her assistant and teach History class. Her class starts to cut up as well, and soon Patty is handing out demerits. Richard gets up and starts doing magic tricks in front of the class, earning ten demerits himself. Mr. Brewster finds her demerit list, and Richard is summoned to his office. Patty feels terrible, and when Richard comes over to tell her that he can’t take her to the movies, she understands why he is angry. However he tells her that he’s not angry and is proud she did the job she had to do. She offers to come sit with him while he catches up on six hours of homework. Cathy gives her some more classes to teach for the last day under her leadership. Glenn E. Anderson is Bill. Billy McNally is Pete. Lois Holmes is secretary Grace Holmes. 10/16/20 
• 035. The Working Girl – 5/13/1964
  • When Patty finds out that her classmate George is leaving his job at the Shake Shop while tending his sick grandmother, Patty implores Mr. Anderson (Sammy Smith) to give her the job at $15 per week plus all the free ice cream she can eat. He is finally sold and lets her have it, and on the first night she does a terrific job of memorizing the orders and hustling all through her shift. She is short $5 at the end of it, and puts in the money from her own pocket in order to please Mr. Anderson, who then finds the missing $5 on the floor. The next night is even more harrowing, although she only loses $2 this time around. When Mr. Anderson tells her to be in at 8am on Saturday morning, she decides to resign the position. However when her father puts an editorial in the paper about lauding her hard work and apologizing for not giving hard-working teens credit, she figures she better stick it out. Cathy even offers to work in her place, but she wants to remain true to her father. She has to give up all of her other activities, including dating Richard… but she suddenly changes her tune when she sees George return to school. He takes his position back over, and Patty celebrates by going out non-stop with Richard. Unfortunately Martin thinks she is disappointed to lose the job, so she offers George a job at the newspaper and gets Patty’s position reinstated at the Shake Shop. 2/2/21
• 036. The Cousins – 5/20/1964
  • While cleaning their room, Patty and Cathy look through a photo album and take a trip down memory lane to the time where Cathy first arrived in America from Scotland, when at that point, no one had realized that Patty and Cathy were identical. Through flashbacks, we learn that Martin was irritated with his newspaper publisher J.R. Castle for changing his editorials, and he has made an off-the-cuff statement to the secretary (Phyllis Coates) that he intends to quit and move to Europe. Meanwhile he is late for work trying to meet Cathy upon her arrival at the airport. Cathy on the other hand has gone to Martin’s office, where everyone thinks she is Patty. When she is asked where her father is, she replies that he is in Scotland. This causes Mr. Castle to immediately replace him with Albert Marcus. Cathy then heads to the Lane house, where she meets Richard who attempts to kiss her and gets a smack in the face. He tells her that he plans to give his ring to Sue Ellen, and dumps Patty the next time he sees her. Finally Cathy meets her new family, and everyone is astounded how much they look alike, including Patty herself, who wants to use her to see if they can pass for each other. Patty pretends to be Cathy in front of her family, but becomes upset and resentful of Cathy when they tell her how much they hope she will be a big influence on Patty, who is in need of guidance and can be very selfish. Cathy then poses as Patty in order to find out what was said. Everyone falls for it, except for Ross, who can tell them apart immediately. Cathy feels horrible, so she arranges it to get Richard back for Patty, who is all too happy to be dating ‘twins’… or so he thinks. When Mr. Castle gets a look at the paper under the editorship of Marcus, he finds it too flat and demands that the secretary get Martin back. Martin happens to call in to clear the air, and gets a treat when he hears Mr. Castle groveling… and promising never to touch his editorials again. Back in the present, Patty gloats that while she was telling their story, Cathy was cleaning up the entire room. Geraldine Wall is the maid. Mary Scott is the receptionist. NOTE: The flashback footage was taken from the 1963 unaired pilot. 2/3/21

SEASON 2

• 037. The Green Eyed Monster – 9/16/1964
  • Although Patty is quick to sing Richard’s praises and put a framed picture of him in the living room – to Martin’s irritation – she also has agreed to entertain her friend Harriet’s cousin Col. Geoffrey Davis III (Kevin Coughlin). Geoffrey is impressive in everything he does, both in academics and sports. He is polite to Patty’s parents, and compliments Martin for his editorship of The Chronicle. As Patty starts to see more and more of Geoffrey, Richard becomes jealous and consults Martin on what to do. He takes pity on Richard and advises him to choose some unique activities to do with Patty. She becomes so impressed with Richard that she starts cancelling dates with Geoffrey to go with Richard. With the big dance coming up at school, she isn’t sure which one she will choose, but knows one of them will be left without a date. Geoffrey turns to Natalie for advise on how he can win Patty over, and she advises him to make her feel needed by him. After she knits for him, Natalie then advises him to be domineering, which Patty likes as well. While Patty is eating up all of the attention, Cathy informs her that both Geoffrey and Richard have asked other girls to the dance, Maggie and and Sue Ellen, since each on thinks that Patty is going with the other. Martin reminds her of the story of the The Fox and the Chicken. Patty winds up spending the night dressing up and taking Ross to the movies. 5/29/21
• 038. Practice Makes Perfect – 9/23/1964
  • Martin is thrilled that Patty is losing interest in rock and roll and is getting into classical music when she comes home and announces that she is taking up the tuba. She immediately begins practicing… and driving everyone crazy including her entire family and Richard. Martin can see she has no musical talent but doesn’t want to discourage her. Patty admits to Cathy that she took up the tuba because she met a boy named Eddie Blake (Mathew Anden), who is a musical prodigy, and who wants to form an all girl orchestra. She thinks she is a shoo-in since it is rare to find another girl who plays the tuba. When Patty’s folks meet Eddie, they find him pompous and egotistical, and they decide that she needs to get back with Richard. They even invite him over and offer to pay for their dates in order to get Patty return to her old self. Richard has too much pride to accept the offer and says he’s been dating an even better tuba player named Rohanna Pollock, but Cathy thinks she has a way to fix the situation. Later Patty comes home saying that Eddie is a creep, and that another girl was chosen for his band as tuba player. It turns out that Cathy had informed Rohanna of the tryouts, and Eddie chose her. This not only prompted Patty to give up the tuba, but freed up Richard to resume dating Patty. Katherine Dunfee aka K.C. Ligon is Molly. 5/30/21
• 039. Simon Says – 9/30/1964
  • Cathy’s boyfriend George (Harry Packwood) begins snubbing her when she stands him up for a date, at the advice of a school newspaper advice columnist known as Simon Says. Cathy is now furious with Simon, who is actually Patty. The column proves to be very popular, but Patty starts to realize that her friends Maggie, Sue Ellen, and Alice (Alice Rawlings) are following Simon’s advice… which is causing them to lose their boyfriends. The letters keep pouring in, but Patty makes her editor Pete (John Pleshette) vow not to reveal her identity. The girls all come as a mob and demand the identity of Simon, especially after Alfred joins the merchant marines based on one of Simon’s responses, but Pete won’t budge. Patty pretends to be helping unmask Alfred, while the girls question why they’ve all lost their boyfriends when Patty has not. This is quickly resolved when Patty does in fact lose Richard, when he follows the advice of Simon, who had no idea she was answering Richard. Cathy heads up an initiative to find the identity of Simon. When Pete gets called to the principal’s office, Patty assumes that he will pressure Pete to reveal the identity. She also gets a telegram with a job offer to syndicate her column. When she returns the call, the girls rush in to try and find out who is on the other end of the line, but Patty has quickly figured out it was a trap and gotten off the phone, claiming a man had just been in the office using the phone. She believe that, but when Pete returns from the principal, he doesn’t notice the girls in there and tells Patty that her Simon identity is safe. The girls force Patty to call each of their boyfriends and admit that it was her giving the advice. Everyone gets back with their boyfriends except for her, but soon even Richard comes crawling back and tells her that he heard from the new Simon Says columnist that she misses him dreadfully. The new Simon happens to be Cathy. 9/24/21
• 040. Patty, the Organizer – 10/7/1964
  • Patty comes home from school excited to dive into a school project related to labor unions. She forms one called the UAFUM, which stands for the United Association for Unprotected Minors, and then drags Cathy and Ross into it so they can negotiated their allowances. Since Martin planned to give them one anyway, he quickly caves. This emboldens Patty to go for more, so they demand some additional household privileges, like staying up later, going to an extra movie, and watching extra TV. Martin gives into these demands as well, but in exchanges he asks for extra chores like daily room cleans and dish washing, and weekly cleaning of the patio and washing the car. All seems to go swimmingly, until the kids realize that after all of the chores, they are too exhausted to enjoy the perks. While the parents enjoy their vacation from the chores themselves, the kids go back to the table to negotiate getting an automatic dishwasher. When the parents won’t agree, the kids abandon the chores, so the parents abolish allowances altogether. The kids go on strike and picket the neighborhood, and Patty talks Ross into lending the union fund the $30 that he’s saved to get them through the next couple of months. The kids stay in bed all day, while Martin and Natalie are forced to do all of the chores again. Martin refuses to go back on his word about letting them unionize, and the kids want an easy way out, without giving in. Martin and Natalie then come up with the idea of forming the PAMP – the Protective Association for Misunderstood Parents – which will give Natalie an 8-hour day, so the kids will only get one meal a day. The kids will also get one set of dishes, which they can wash if they want…or not. She tells the kids that she is a person too, and that she does things for them because she wants to, not because she has to. Patty realizes she’s gone too far, and they disband the UAFUM, and the parents likewise disband the PAMP, which means everything goes back to normal. The next day, everyone becomes worried when Patty once again gets excited about a subject in school… snakes. 9/24/21
• 041. Patty, the Pioneer – 10/14/1964
  • When Patty gets tired of her substitute History teacher Ms. McIntosh goes on how spoiled kids are today, and how they could never survive in the Pioneer age of the early 1800’s. Patty claims that she can do it for a week, but has a hard time seeing how many modern conveniences she uses, but Cathy points them out one by one… starting with the telephone. Then as Patty prepares for her date with Richard, Cathy has to remind her that Pioneers didn’t have hot running water, blow dryers, lights, or cars, which means Patty and Richard have to walk three miles to Danceland. Once they get there, Patty realizes they are using microphones, and when they go to the soda shop, she can’t have any of the prepared foods, so they walk home. Over the next few days, Cathy has to remind Patty that she can’t use TV’s, fans, record players, or blenders. As head cheerleader, she is looking forward to cheering at the track meet, but her so-called friend Alice lets Coach Edwards (Joe Silver) know about her agreement with Ms. McIntosh, so he makes Alice the head cheerleader since the meet it 22 miles away. Patty promises Edwards that she will be there, and if she can make it, he says he’ll let her keep her spot on the cheerleading squad. Patty leaves the morning of the meet before anyone gets up. Her family doesn’t expect her home until late at night and prepare a nice homecoming for her, but they are surprised when she makes it home in the late afternoon. They all assume that she forfeited the contest when she arrives home full of energy and says that Henry took her… but it turns out Henry is a horse that she rode on to get there. Once the contest is over, Patty uses every electrical appliance that she can all at once. As she chats on the phone, she accepts a bet that she can’t live like a caveman for a week. 3/23/22 
• 042. The Boy Next Door – 10/21/1964
  • New neighbors from Idaho move in next door, and Patty is anxious to see if there might be any boys her age. She only spots Keith (Gary Morgan), who is closer in age to Ross. Although he is a bit obnoxious, Natalie invites him to have lunch at the house while his parents are settling in. Keith asks if he can invite his brother Scotty (Jerry Strickler) as well, and he turns out to be Patty’s age after all. It is love at first sight for her, especially since Richard is visiting his grandmother in Wyoming. Cathy tells Patty that she too has a met a boy, and Patty suggests that they double date to the movies. Patty tries to think of a way to get Scotty to ask her on a date, but Cathy’s guy has already asked her. Naturally, it turns out that Cathy’s guy is in fact Scotty, and he asks Cathy if she’d rather go to the Philharmonic instead. Patty is furious and accuses Cathy of stealing her new fella, but Cathy insists she had no idea, and that she was asked out by him and not the other way around. Patty bribes Ross with a new baseball glove to find out from Keith all of Scotty’s likes and dislikes. She finds that he likes Moby Dick, archery, strawberries with honey, and Laurence Olivier. By the time he and Cathy return from their date, they find Patty with Moby Dick, strawberries and honey, and a bow and arrow, and she fully ready to suggest that Olivier appear in a remake of Moby Dick. She is able to swipe Scotty away from Cathy with relative ease as they start to go out and do activities surrounding Scotty’s interests. She plans a picnic for her and Scotty, but as she’s getting ready to leave, Richard shows up, back from Wyoming. Panicking, she asks Cathy to step in and pretend to be her for the picnic with Scotty, while she goes out with Richard. She then finds out that it was Cathy who called Richard and told him how ‘lonely’ Patty was. After Cathy returns from the picnic, she receives a call from Scotty asking her out for the evening. It seems Cathy did indeed pose as Patty, but they got into a fight on the picnic and ‘Patty’ had some pretty choice words. Patty realizes that Cathy wasn’t the pushover she was expecting. 3/23/22
• 043. Patty, the People’s Voice – 10/28/1964
  • The Lanes invite Congressional candidate T.J. Blodgett (Alan Bunce) over to the house to rehearse his campaign speech. The family all like what they hear, and the fact that he is on the board of the newspaper doesn’t hurt in them lending their support either. In fact, he alludes that if he wins, Martin will have an easy time become editor. In school, Cathy and Patty are learning about politics and the election, and they both mention to their teacher Miss Grey (Doris Belack) about their support for Blodgett. When she asks where they stand on the issues, they admit they do not know. However, they still tell their father that they want to campaign for him, and he tells them to be sure it is because they support his issues and ideas, and not because he is on the newspaper board. They tell Blodgett that they want to campaign for him and ask him where he stands on the issue, but he refers them to his campaign manager Bill Duffy (Stanley Simmonds). He simply asks them to hand out campaign buttons and flyer, and doesn’t have time to answer questions about the issues. The girls hit the streets and campaign until they’re exhausted. Along the way, they stop off to hear Blodgett’s opponent Clark Williams (Morgan Sterne) give his speech, planning to heckle him, but find out that they like his stance on the issues even better. They ask Blodgett directly who he can be for increasing public service while also cutting taxes and the budget, and he admits that he just tells the people what they want to hear in order to get elected. They wind up changing course and campaigning for Clark, and their father agrees that they should do what they believe to be right. Then Miss Grey chooses them to appear on a local TV show called Youth Must Be Heard, in which they will have a chance to ask questions of both Blodgett and Williams, along with two other high school students John Maynard (Tim Neufeld) and Albert Kramer (Robert Rovin). The girls deliver some hard-hitting questions that Blodgett can’t answer, and ultimately he loses the election in a landslide after his appearance on the show. Martin and Natalie are both worried that Blodgett will be furious, but he comes over to the house and thanks the girls in calling him out on the fact that he’s a businessman and not really suited for politics. Joel Crager is the TV Moderator. Judith Lowry is the elderly lady. Joe Silver and Adeline Leonard are voices on the phone and apartment intercom. 7/23/22
• 044. The Greatest Psychologist in the World – 11/4/1964
  • Patty gets an invitation from a college boy named Kip, the cousin of her friend Sue Ellen, asking her to go to the Harvard Prom in Boston. She starts making plans to go, but Cathy reminds her that she hasn’t gotten permission from her parents. She tries to blow it by them, but they tell her that she is too young to go off on her own for the weekend. Richard later seconds their decision and tells her that he doesn’t want her going off to a dance with another guy. Cathy mentions that if she was versed in psychology, she might get different results by saying the right thing the right way at the right time, but also cautions her that it is nothing to play with. Patty goes to the library to study up on it, and winds up coming home late for supper. To alleviate her angry parents, she uses psychology to calm them down. She then goes the next step by telling Richard that she’s proud that he’s so confident that he doesn’t need to brag to the other guys that he’s dating a the only girl in school who has been asked out by a Harvard man, and that she prefers Richard over him. By the time she is done with him, Richard is begging her to go to the dance with Kip. Now completely confident, Patty responds to Kip that she will accept his invitation. She then goes to work on her parents, pretending that she has suddenly become too nervous around crowds to go out and do anything. They become worried about her behavior so they encourage to go to Boston to the dance. However, when Kip’s response to her invitation arrives from a telegram messenger (Allan Lindstrom), they realize she has duped them. Although they don’t take their approval away, they start dropping hints that men in Boston are aggressive, and that they’ve known other girls who have gone to Boston and gotten married right off the bat. Patty begins to sour on wanting to go, but doesn’t know how to get out of it. Finally she admits to her father that she was using psychology on them and now it has backfired. He encourages her to be honest with Kip and tell him that she doesn’t want to go because of her young age. Later, Richard stops by and having reconsidered her going to the dance, now demands that she not go out with another man. He is stunned how easily she gives into his demands. Frances Heflin is Miss Harvey. 7/23/22
• 045. Patty and the Peace Corps – 11/11/1964
  • Patty is thrilled when she gets a letter notifying that her application has been accepted to join the Peace Corps for a trip to Africa and is supposed to report to the training camp in two weeks. She starts to prepare for her trip by learning the speak the language, both standard Swahili and via bongo. She also starts to engulf herself in African culture by filling her room with decor, doing calisthenics, raising the heat in her room, eating salamanders and grass soup. Cathy is the only one who knows, and she asks Richard to talk her out of it. Patty has so many good reasons for helping and giving back that she nearly talks him into going along as well. Patty winds up getting interviewed by Tom (John Simpson), an editor for the school paper The Brooklyn Heights Bugle, and shares the information about her going. Her parents wind up seeing the paper and finding out about the Peace Corps. When they walk into Patty’s room to talk to her about it, they find her dancing to African Music. When they ask her about it, she tells them that she is rehearsing for a play about a girl is joining the Peace Corps. They do not tell her that they are aware of what she is really doing. Richard comes to get her to take her to the hospital where she is doing volunteer work as a nurse. Unaware that she is doing this, they ask Richard about other acts of charity that Patty does, so he tells them about the work she has done for an old clothes drive, speeches for the Fresh Air Fund, and work with the orphans at the Settlement House. Martin asks if Richard knew about her going to Africa, and he is reluctant to answer. Martin goes up and talks to Patty to find out more about her volunteer work. She explains it to him and goes on about the orphan children she loves: Slugger Smith, Babe Ex, Susie Harvey, and Petey Peterson. Her father mentions the ‘play’ she is doing and says the play might be better if the main character realized how much the orphans would miss her, and she realized that there was plenty of work to do at home and plenty of people to help. Then she could possibly go off to Africa when she got a little bit older. Patty realizes that her father knew there was no play, and he just believes she should stick around and finish the work she started. Later Richard waits for Patty to return from picking up her date for the evening: Slugger, Babe, Susie, and Petey. 11/17/22
• 046. How to Succeed in Romance – 11/18/1964
  • Patty and Richard are having a romantic night under the stars, but Patty feels bad that Cathy will never have this in her life… or so she thinks. That night Cathy comes home from Lit Club, smitten by a boy named Chrstopher Hubbert (Philip Vandercourt), a new boy from Boston who just came to the school and has joined the club. Cathy tells Patty that she hadn’t actually talked to him before falling head over heels for him. She is too shy and thinks it is too forward to introduce herself, so Patty calls Richard and has him help arrange a meeting at the Shake Shop. When they arrive, it is Patty who does most of the talking as she tries to sell Cathy to Chris. He doesn’t seem very interested and slinks off after a few minutes. Cathy makes the rounds at the house, getting advice from her Uncle Martin, Aunt Natalie, and Ross, all of which is dramatically different. Patty advises her not to listen to them and insists that the one way to get a boy is to treat him like a dog. Cathy later overhears her classmate Gladys (Marcia Strassman) telling her friend Milly (Deidre Daniels) that she put her boyfriend off several times until he sent her a big box of candy. When they all have another rendezvous at the Shake Shop, Cathy decides to follow the advice, being aloof and rude to Chris. That night Chris tries to call her, but Patty pretends that Cathy is on the phone talking to a big shot friend named Troy in Hollywood. Chris admits to Richard that he’s crazy about Cathy and has been since he first saw her in the Lit Club meeting but has been too shy to initiate much of a conversation. Richard tells him that the one true way to success with a woman is to treat them like a dog. Chris decides to go that route, so he calls and demands that Cathy go to a Bach concert with him, then demands that she meet him there. Patty is aghast, so she forces Cathy to be a half-hour late. Chris’s response is to make her pay for the show herself. At the end of the night, Cathy tells him that he is the rudest boy she’s ever known, and Chris tells her that he feels the same way about her. They both agree to not see each other again, but as they are both leaving, they stop and turn around, the apologize and reconcile with each other. They also have a laugh when they realize they got their bad advice from Patty and Richard. Later, as the Shake Shop, Cathy and Chris stare into each other’s eyes, while Patty and Richard bicker over got them together in the first place. NOTE: Paul Blake is credited as Roy but does not seem to appear in the episode. 11/18/22
• 047. Block That Statue – 11/25/1964
  • While speaking at a pep rally for the Brooklyn Heights’s big game against Eastern, star quarterback Myron ‘Rock’ Milankovitch (Dan Travanty aka Daniel J. Travanti) spots Cathy in the crowd and immediately becomes smitten. He tries to ask her out, but she doesn’t think they would have anything in common and turns her down. His performance on the football team soon begins to suffer, so the coach Gilbert Tugwell (Sorrell Booke) challenges Richard to speak to Cathy and get her to go out with him so he will get out of his funk. Cathy is reluctant but Richard and Cathy appeal to her school spirit and she agrees to give him a shot. Cathy suggests that they go visit an art museum, and Rock starts to actually enjoy himself. He reminisces about the sculptures he used to attempt with clay as a boy, and he decides to try and get back into it again. He creates a sculpture of Cathy’s head and then announces that he is going to quit football and concentrate on his art. Coach Tugwell is aghast and tries everything he can to talk him out of it, including visiting with Martin to try and convince Cathy to get him back in the game. Martin doesn’t think it is ethical to tell Cathy what to do in her relationship, and Cathy won’t budge on the matter either. Patty then decides to go see Rock and pose as Patty, even emulating her accent. She tells Rock that a good artist needs to explore their full potential, even outside the art real… like playing football. He agrees to play in the game and they start running through plays. Meanwhile, Martin brings Cathy over to see Rock, and they catch Rock and Patty playing football in his basement. Patty apologizes profusely but says she was only doing it for the school. Rock winds up playing the game and is once again the star, even gaining the approval of Cathy for his performance. However, he announces that he won’t be returning to football the following year because he is going to transfer to Brookly Poly, where they have a great art program. 4/25/23
• 048. This Little Patty Went to Market – 12/2/1964
  • After Patty makes $125 in the stock market with the MacGregor Elevator Co. stock that Martin helped her purchase, Patty decides to incorporate herself and forms Patty Lane Inc. and appoints Richard, Cathy, and Ross to the board. Each of them contributes a few dollars and help sell 99 shares of the stock to Martin and many of the kids’ friends. Patty maintains 101 shares for the use of her name to the corporation. They brainstorm ideas on what to sell and land on Mother Patty’s Preserves, using Cathy’s ancient apricot preserves recipe. The are able to hook in various businesses by giving the a couple sample bottles of the preserves, and then sending in ringers to not only buy it but tells the business owners that they want to buy all they can get their hands on. Patty even comes up with a way to get Mr. Fleming  (Heywood Hale Broun) to contribute glass jars from the Fleming Bottle Company in exchange for 15 shares of the stock. The company then realizes that they accidentally oversold the stock and are up to 200 shares, so Patty gives up forty of her shares to make good on the deals. She explains that this still makes her the majority shareholder. With all of the orders in hand, Patty estimates a 60% raise in the stock’s value until Martin points out the expenses, she isn’t accounting for. One they have all of the raw materials in place, they start production in the kitchen. Patty looks for shortcuts to shave time off of their labor by cooking the preserves in pressure cookers and sterilizing the bottles in the oven. Things go from bad to worse when the pressure cookers explode, landing preserves all over the kitchen. When the glass jars start to smoke, Cathy puts them under cold water, causing them all to shatter. With things out of control, Cathy wants to chalk it up to research and start over, but all of the other shareholders want to throw in the towel. Now that Cathy only holds 30% of the stock and no longer has a majority, proxy votes gathered by Richard and Cathy force them to fold the business. Patty is depressed, but Martin tells her that Cathy, Richard, and Ross gave him some money to pay back all of the investors. Patty gets him to admit that he also kicked in quite a bit even though he told her that he wouldn’t be bailing her out. He tells her to consider it part of her education. Later, Patty keeps remarking about rising numbers, so Martin asks her what stock she is looking at now, but she tells him she is only reading about the weather. Wally Engelhardt is the grocer. Barney Martin is the Deli owner. Sammy Smith is Sammy. Edmund Gaynes is Pete. Billy McNally is Bruce. 4/25/23 
• 049. The Best Date in Town – 12/9/1964
  • Patty is excited to invite her father to the upcoming Father-Daughter dance, and he is just as excited to accept the invitation. Unfortunately, the next day at work, Martin’s boss Henry Anderson (Dana Elcar) tells Martin that he has to fly to Chicago for the Publishers Convention to give the keynote speech on the same day as the dance. Martin tries to soften the blow with Patty by offering to take her to the Ambassador Room for dinner once he gets back. Patty is crestfallen and refuses the invitation. However, when Cathy reminds Patty that her father has never let her down before, Patty’s mood changes, and she suddenly believes that somehow in the end, Martin will take her to the dance after all. Even after he leaves for Chicago, she holds out hope, but when the family gets a phone call from him in Chicago, she accepts the truth. Once he returns home, Patty is cold to him and declines his offer to take her to the Ambassador Room. Martin begins sending Patty flowers and candy, which makes her start to feel guilty. Finally, he brings her a corsage and makes another date with Patty for the Ambassador Room. Patty gets dressed up and ready to go out with her Poppo after calling all of her friends to brag, especially to the ones who had snide comments about her missing the dance. When Patty comes downstairs, she overhears her father on the phone talking to his employee Pete about a story about a rebellion in Kurdistan, which requires an extra newspaper edition. He tells Pete that he will be down at the office in fifteen minutes. Patty tells her father that she forgot that she had a date with Richard for the basketball game, in order to let him off the hook. The next day while cooking out and Patty teaching her father the Hully-Gully, Martin alludes to the fact that she made up the basketball game. He offers to take her to the Ambassador Room, but Patty quickly declines. Tim Neufeld is the flower messenger. 9/8/23
• 050. Can Do Patty – 12/16/1964
  • Natalie runs into schoolteacher Miss McClintock (Rae Allen), who tells her that she thinks Cathy should be Student of the Year, which Cathy thinks will be wonderful. Meanwhile, Patty balks at doing any chores around the house, and gets a lecture from her father about how she should have a ‘can do’ attitude when she is asked to do something. Patty takes the advice to heart and begins saying yes to everything she is asked to do. Soon she finds that she is in charge of multiple groups and committees at school, staring with becoming the class treasurer. In order to get everything done, she employs Richard and Cathy to help her with both the work at school and the work at home. She starts to become a hero to her classmates, who think she has endless energy and spirit, even when she starts handing jobs out to them as well. Patty starts to hear from the other kids that there’s an effort to vote Patty as Student of the Year. Although Cathy finds this upsetting, she doesn’t say anything to Patty. However, Natalie tells Martin how much Cathy was expecting the award, and he has a talk with Patty to make her realize how much others are contributing to her success. He also tells her how much Cathy wanted the award herself. On the morning of the election, Cathy isn’t feeling well and stays home for the morning. When Miss McClintock calls for a vote, Patty addresses the class and tells them how much Cathy had helped her get the reputation as a mover and shaker, giving her the credit that she is due. By the end of her speech, Cathy shows up to school, to find that the class has voted her Student of the Year. At home that night, Natalie laments that there are tons of dishes to be done, and then they see the steam coming out of the kitchen where ‘Can Do’ Patty is in fact working on the sink full of dishes. David Kerman is Mr. Murchison. Jo Ann Mariano is now Cindy. Nicole Karol is Sally. Tom Scott is the black student. 9/8/23
• 051. Hi, Society – 12/23/1964
  • There’s a new boy in school named Woodrow “Woody” Warren Caldwell III (Dan Ferrone), an upper-class student who has recently transferred from a chic boarding school in Connecticut. Patty is instantly smitten by him, despite her relationship with Richard. She tries to arrange an interview with him for the school paper, and quickly realizes that she has some competition from Sue Ellen Turner, who thinks she is the only one with the social background to date Woody. Patty starts research her family genealogy to try and find something impressive to qualify to mix with the Caldwells. She learns from her mother that Woody’s mother (Dorothy Peterson) is starting up a new thrift shop, which makes Patty anxious to not only donate all she can, but to volunteer to help work at the shop. Sue Ellen gets the same idea, so the girls again find they are competing with each other. When Richard overhears Woody asking Patty to come help his mother address envelopes at their house, he realizes that Patty is interested in Woody. He heads over to confront Woody and challenge him to a fight over Patty, but when he arrives, he finds Woody practicing his Judo technique with his trainer Kimo (Clifford Arashi), so quickly abandons this notion. Sue Ellen’s parents then plan a formal fundraising party for the Caldwell Thrift Shop. Patty feels like she needs a new formal gown for the event, but her father tells her that they can’t afford it. With Patty having limited funds of her own, Cathy suggests that Patty buy her formal at the thrift shop. She buys a nice traditional dress, not realizing that it was one of Sue Ellen’s old formals that she had donated. Once she arrives at the party in the old dress and sees a photo of Sue Ellen wearing the same dress, she panics and tries to hide the dress at all costs. Sue Ellen finds Patty in the bedroom closet and finds it hilarious and sets out to expose her. However, before Sue Ellen can get the information out, Mrs. Caldwell fusses of the dress and tells her that all girls should have such a traditional formal dress, just like her three nieces do. Mrs. Caldwell then suggests that Woody dance with Patty. They have a great time, and Woody asks her to attend a party he is throwing the next weekend… one to honor the homecoming of his longtime girlfriend Ella Fortescue, who is returning from Paris. Cathy has found this out earlier and arranged for Richard to come over and pick up the pieces. Patty is eternally grateful to Richard for forgiving her and tells him that he is too good for her, paying him back by making him a huge sandwich. Frances Chaney is Sue Ellen Turner’s mother, billed as Mrs. Parker in the credits. Jon Richards is the butler Pringle. Hope Cameron is the thrift store worker who sells Patty the dress. 1/1/24
• 052. Patty, the Witness – 12/30/1964
  • Patty witnesses a hit-and-run car crash into the window at McDonald’s Market. Patty thinks the man driving the car looked like a gangster with a little mustache, a raincoat, and big, floppy gangster hat, with his moll riding along with him. Patty believes that he had just committed a bank robbery and was in the midst of an escape attempt. Patty doesn’t want to get involved with reporting this to the police for fear of her life. She thinks that if she keeps her mouth shut, no one can connect her with being at the scene of the crime. However, she realizes that she lost her gold bracelet at the scene of the crime. Mr. McDonald (Barney Martin) shows up at the house to return the bracelet that he found in front of his shop, and after Patty has left the room, he tells Patty’s parents that he is on the way to the hospital where his daughter is having a baby. Furthermore, he tells them that it was his son-in-law who crashed into the shop in his nervousness of taking his wife to the hospital. Cathy talks Patty into reporting the crash to the police. Patty suddenly likes the idea of the publicity that her bravery might generate. When a census taker (Michael Gordon) shows up the house, and his descriptions matches that of Patty’s of the driver/bank robber, Cathy then believes that there truly is someone after Cathy. Patty then decides it’s not such a good idea to report the crime. She talks to her father about the situation but doesn’t tell her that she’s involved. Naturally, he tells her that the witness has a moral obligation to report it. That night, Patty has a vivid dream of her taking the witness stand and going up against the mob where she destroys the defendant’s attorney (Cliff Carpenter), who tries to bribe her. The judge (John C. Becher) demands that a front-page story is written about Patty, the bravest witness he’s ever seen. Later, Richard finds out that there was indeed a bank robbery, but that the robber escaped on foot. Patty finally goes to her parents to tell them that the mob is after her. After she tells them the full story, they inform her that the accident at McDonald’s Market was caused by Mr. McDonald’s son-in-law. Patty feels a huge relief, but she still plays it off to Richard that she has no fear about reporting the crime. Detective Don Anderson (Alan Manson) stops by the house to ask Patty about the accident, because it so happens that while the car was crashing into the store, there was a man carrying a bag right in front of the store, and he happened to be the actual bank robber. Richard brags about Patty’s bravery, as Patty tries to hide behind the couch. Thanks to Patty’s testimony, the bank robber is caught. Patty is mentioned in the newspaper as an ‘unidentified teenager,’ but Patty’s parents sponsor a night on the town for Patty and Richard. As Patty heads out, she dons a pair of thick glasses so she will be unable to see anything further than the end of her nose. 1/1/24

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