The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – NBC

Theme music by Jonathan Wolff

• 001. The Seinfeld Chronicles (Pilot) – 7/5/1989
  • Opening monologue: being ‘out’. Jerry Seinfeld (himself) is a stand-up comedian living in the Upper West Side of Manhattan, hanging out with his friend George Costanza (Jason Alexander), and observing life. His neighbor Kessler (known in subsequent episodes as Kramer) (Michael Richards), is a freeloader who frequently barges in on Jerry with crazy ideas and questions. In the premiere episode Jerry, with George’s help, tries to figure out the intentions of a woman named Laura (Pamela Brull), a woman that he met while touring in Michigan, when she comes for a visit to New York City. Just when he thinks that she wants to get together with him, she tells him that she’s engaged. Closing monologue: no idea what women are thinking. Lee Garlington stars as Claire the waitress. 12/30/13
• 002. The Stake Out – 5/31/1990
  • Opening monologue: writing checks. Jerry attends the birthday party of Elaine’s friend Pamela (Maud Winchester) and hits it off with a lady named Vanessa (Lynn Clark), much to chagrin of Elaine, but doesn’t get her contact info, other than the name of her law office . Jerry’s parents Morty (Phil Bruns) and Helen (Liz Sheridan) are visiting and his dad gives him the advice to stake out her office. He brings George (who pretends to be an architect visiting his friend ‘Art Vandelay’) with him and the ruse actually works. Jerry gets a date, but then when Elaine finds out, he is nervous about her reaction. When she attends a wedding with Jerry, they decide that if they’re going to remain friends, they need to be able to talk about their dates. Joe George plays Uncle Mac. Ron Steelman is Cousin Artie Levine. Closing monologue: comparing exes to two magicians trying to trick each other. 1/6/14
• 003. The Robbery – 6/7/1990
  • Opening monologue: giving someone the finger. Jerry goes out of town to Minneapolis and is robbed thanks to Kramer leaving Jerry’s door open while borrowing a spatula. This convinces Jerry to let George show him another available apartment, which is exciting to Elaine because she want’s Jerry’s place. Jerry decides to take it, but George decides that he himself wants it. They argue it out and it is decided by a “choose” that Jerry will get it, but he ultimately feels guilty and no one takes it. Consequently Elaine has to remain in her current apartment with her annoying roommate. Bradford English is the cop. 1/6/14
    
• 004. Male Unbonding – 6/14/1990
  • Opening monologue: men working on things with tools. Jerry has an obnoxious friend named Joel (Kevin Dunn) whom he wants to de-friend. This goes terribly when he tells him, and Joel bursts out crying. In order to appease him, he offers to take him to the Knicks game, even though he was supposed to attend with George. Meanwhile Kramer fleshes out an idea to open a restaurant where customers make their own pizza. Elaine helps Jerry come up with excuses to avoid Joel. In the end, Jerry decides not to go to the game and gives both tickets to Joel, who ends up taking Kramer and then asking out Elaine, who then can use some of the excuses she’s been thinking of. Closing monologue: people who are always your friends, want them or not. 12/30/13
• 005. The Stock Tip  – 6/21/1990
  • Opening monologue: getting the check after the meal. George has gotten a stock tip from the friend of a friend for a company called Sendtrax that specializes in opera televising. Jerry finds it risky but goes in on it for $2500. When the stock starts to go down, George desperately tries to get ahold of the friend’s friend Wilkinson, but they find out he is in the hospital. Jerry ends up jumping ship, but George sticks it out and cleans up, making around $8000. Jerry also continues with his relationship with Vanessa, but a weekend getaway in Vermont kills the relationship when it rains and they become bored with each other. He also has a run-in with a dry cleaner (Ted Davis) who shrunk his shirt. Elaine laments her new boyfriend Robert because she is allergic to his cats. He ultimately chooses the cats over Elaine. Closing monologue: your money working for you. 1/6/13

SEASON 2

• 006. The Ex-Girlfriend – 1/23/1991
  • Opening monologue: the absurdity of stand-still traffic. George finally builds up enough courage to break up with his girlfriend Marlene (Tracy Kolis), but he leaves some books at her place and asks Jerry to retrieve them. There ends up being some chemistry between them and they begin dating. He feels guilty and asks for George’s permission, and George surprisingly is okay with it – but soon he wants to break up with her as well, although still sexually attracted to her. After seeing Jerry’s act though, she breaks up with him because she doesn’t respect his career, despite being a cashier herself. George goes to Jerry’s chiropractor for back pain but doesn’t agree with the bill so only pays half. Jerry is embarrassed so he pays the other half to George’s chagrin. Elaine laments an association with a fellow apartment tenant that has fizzled to nothing. Closing monologue: women need to respect their man’s job; men couldn’t care less what their woman does for a living. 1/7/14
• 007. The Pony Remark – 1/30/1991
  • Opening monologue: parents living in Florida, and attending family functions. Jerry’s parents come into town to attend the 50th wedding anniversary of some distant relatives Manya (Rozsika Halmos) and Isaac (David Fresco). Elaine attends the dinner with Jerry and when she mentions ponies, Jerry says that he hated anyone who had a pony…which upsets Manya and she storms off. Later she dies, and Jerry feels that he should attend the funeral even though it means missing his softball game, which ends up being rained out. Jerry does horribly in the make-up game and Elaine thinks Manya might have jinxed him. Meanwhile Kramer commits to putting ‘levels’ in his apartment, Morty tries to get a bereavement fare, and Elaine looks into getting Isaac’s apartment now that he is moving. Closing monologue: the uselessness of ponies. Len Lesser plays Uncle Leo and Earl Boen plays the eulogist. 1/23/14
• 008. The Jacket – 2/6/1991
  • Opening monologue: Jerry hates clothes and fashion one day will cease to exist. Jerry buys a new expensive suede jacket that he plans to wear to a dinner meeting with Elaine’s author father Alton Benes (Lawrence Tierney), where he and George will act as buffers for Elaine. When Elaine is late, they spend an uncomfortable half-hour with the gruff Alton, who scares Jerry into wearing his suede jacket out in the snow, which ruins it. Elaine was late because she was helping Kramer, who now has Jerry’s old jacket, pick up some doves for a magician friend. George can’t get the song Master of the House out of his head and ultimately passes it on to Alton. Closing monologue: Why does moisture ruin leather? 1/25/14
• 009. The Phone Message – 2/13/1991
  • Opening monologue: people on TV are having more fun that you are, especially the people in the soda commercials. George and Jerry have dates for the same night. Jerry is dating Donna (Gretchen German), but the fact that she likes the Cotton Dockers commercials puts off Jerry, and the fact that she finds out that Jerry tells his friends about it makes it even worse. George gets along well with his date Carol (Tory Polone), but when she invites him up for coffee at midnight, he declines, stating that he can’t drink coffee at night. He later realizes how dumb he sounded, and laments his stupidity. He also leaves her an awkward phone message, followed by several angry messages when she doesn’t return his calls. When he finds out that she has been out of town and that’s why she hasn’t called, he uses Elaine’s idea to swap out the phone machine tape, roping Jerry into participating in his plan. He and Jerry meet her at her apartment when she returns home and Jerry manages to successfully swap the tape, only to find out that she had already heard the messages and found them hilarious, thinking that they were a joke. Closing monologue: Jerry loves his answering machine and wishes he could be one to people he runs into that he doesn’t want to talk to. 3/30/14
• 010. The Apartment – 4/4/1991
  • Opening monologue: painting makes his apartment smaller and the ultimate apartment would be the Starship Enterprise on Star Trek. Jerry’s landlords Harold (Glen Shadix) and Manny (Tony Plana) inform him that his upstairs neighbor Mrs. Hudwalker died and her apartment is now up for grabs. Jerry recommends Elaine, and she is ecstatic at the thought of living so close to Jerry. He begins to have second thoughts however, and the problem seems to solve itself when someone else offers Manny $5000 for the apartment. Kramer however suggests that Jerry loan her the money and he reluctantly goes along with it. Kramer tries to rectify the situation by finding a guy who will offer $10,000 for it, but the guy ends up being in a band and practices loudly until late at night. Meanwhile George attends a party at Elaine’s friend Roxanne’s (Jeanine Jackson) apartment  to watch the New York marathon  and wears a wedding band to see if more women hit on him. It ends up backfiring when some really desirable women indicate he would be perfect for them if only he weren’t married. Kramer experiments with putting mousse in his hair. Patricia Ayame Thomson plays Susie. Kimberley Kates is Diane. Closing monologue: shushers. 3/30/14
• 011. The Statue – 4/11/1991
  • Opening monologue: Jerry thinks he may have won a sweepstakes. Jerry finds a box of old clothes that he inherited from his grandfather and also in the box is a statue which resembles one that George broke when he was a kid. Jerry gives it to George, but later realizes that the man named Ray (Michael D. Conway), whom he has hired to clean his apartment may have stolen it. Ray’s girlfriend Rava (Nurit Koppel) is an author for whom Elaine is editing her book, so Elaine is anxious to not make a fuss over the statue. Kramer wears some of Jerry’s grandfather’s clothes and impersonates a detective to get the statue back for George, but when he tosses it to George it shatters. Elaine also loses her job with Rava, and it is never fully revealed whether the statue was stolen by Ray or not. Closing monologue: foiling the crooks. 3/31/14
• 012. The Revenge – 4/18/1991
  • Opening monologue: why do criminals need to cover their faces on TV. George barges in on his boss Rick Levitan (Fred Applegate), insults him, and quit his job at Rick Barr Properties – but then realizes that his job options are severely limited. His solution is to just simply show back up at work, but Levitan insults him and throws him out. With Elaine’s help, George plans to slip him a mickey at a work party, but just before Levitan drinks it, he tells George that he is going to re-instate his position – but this obviously doesn’t happen after Rick takes a drink. Meanwhile, Jerry thinks that the laundromat proprietor Vic (John Capodice) stole the $1500 that he left in his laundry. It ends up being found in Kramer’s laundry, but not before Jerry assists Kramer in pouring cement into one of the washers and causing $1200 in damage. Kramer also deals with his neighbor Newman (voiced by Larry David), who keeps threatening suicide. NOTE: Newman’s voice was later dubbed by Wayne Knight for syndication. Teri Austin appears as George’s co-worker Ava; Patrika Darbo stars as Glenda. Peggy Lane is a nurse. Deck McKenzie makes his first of 13 random appearances, this time as Bill. Closing monologue: living well is the best revenge. 7/19/14
• 013. The Heart Attack – 4/25/1991
  • Opening monologue: why it’s okay to ruin your appetite. George thinks he is having a heart attack after watching the PBS special Coronary Country. Jerry gets him to the hospital and it turns out he did not have a heart attack, but does in fact need his tonsils out. Kramer talks George in going to holistic healer Tor Ackman (Stephen Tobolowsky), which causes George’s skin to turn red. As he’s being rushed to the hospital, the two paramedics in the ambulance get into a fight and then the driver crashes the ambulance, causing George to not only get his tonsils out at the hospital, but require a neck brace. Meanwhile, Elaine goes out with George’s doctor, Dr. Fein (John Posey), but can’t kiss him because he talks so much about the make-up of the tongue. Jerry struggles to read a note he wrote in the middle of the night, based on a TV spaceman (Larry David) mentioning something sounding like “flaming globes of Zigmond.” Closing monologue: hypochondriacs and do-it-yourself heart zappers. Heather James is the waitress. 7/18/14 
• 014. The Deal – 5/2/1991
  • Opening monologue: women stand behind the clothes instead of trying them on. Jerry and Elaine are hanging out and the flip the channel to the ‘naked station’ which prompts them to question whether there would be any pitfalls of sleeping together while just remaining friends. They design some rules to make it easier: no calls the next day, no kiss goodnight, and sleeping over is optional – and then they sleep together. George scoffs at the rules, although impressed with most of them. Trouble begins to surface when Jerry wants to leave Elaine’s apartment after they are intimate the night before his root canal. It gets even worse when he gives her $182 in cash for her birthday, fearing that any other type of gift will be over-analyzed. Elaine finally confesses that she want the relationship back, and Jerry finally agrees. Siobahn Fallon plays Elaine’s roommate Tina. Closing monologue: relationships are like an exit ramp on the freeway. 9/10/14
• 015. The Baby Shower – 5/16/1991
  • Opening monologue: men hunt with the remote while women nest. Elaine throws a baby shower at Jerry’s apartment for a girl named Leslie (Christine Dunford), whom once dated George and threw chocolate sauce on him during a performance art show and then left with someone else. Jerry’s flight for a show in Buffalo is grounded due to a blizzard, and George takes the opportunity to pick up Jerry so he can confront Leslie. Elaine considers the shower ruined when Kramer brings over Russian guys to install legal cable, Jerry and George return and George acts hostile toward Leslie, and a former date of Jerry’s named Mary (Margaret Reed) berates him using the speech that George had planned to used. Jerry calls off the cable install and refuses the pay the $400, so the Russians smash his TV screen. Vic Polizos and James Lashly play the Russians. Closing monologue: how to break it off after a first date. 2/22/14
• 016. The Chinese Restaurant – 5/23/1991
  • Opening monologue: going overtime on a payphone call. Jerry, George, and Elaine go into Hunan 5th Avenue Chinese restaurant on their way to see Plan 9 from Outer Space. They are told the wait will be 5 or 10 minutes. Elaine is ravenous and attempts to bribe the maitre’d (James Hong). George is on thin ice with his girlfriend Tatiana after leaving in the middle of sex because he has to use the restroom. He attempts ot call her to have her join them, but someone is always using the payphone. Eventually he leaves her a message and tell her to call the restaurant. When she does, the maitre’d calls out “Cartwright” instead of “Costanza” so George misses the call. Jerry has made an excuse to his uncle to get out of meeting with him that night, and when a woman Jerry recognizes in the restaurant turns out to be Lorraine (Judy Kain), a co-worker of his uncle, he fears that the news of his snub will spread through the family. They all end up frustrated, leave the restaurant, and cancel the evening’s activities. Immediately after they walk out the door, the maitre’d calls their name to seat them. Steve Landesberg has an uncredited cameo in the restaurant. Closing monologue: cannibalism. 3/30/14
• 017. The Busboy – 6/26/1991
  • Opening monologue: Jerry isn’t a foodie and why do restaurants put the bills in a book? While having a pesto dinner with Jerry and Elaine, George inadvertently gets busboy Antonio (David Labiosa) fired for starting a small table fire. Feeling guilty, he and Kramer go to his apartment to apologize and end up letting his cat Paquita out of the apartment. Meanwhile, Elaine has Ed, a man from Seattle whom she’s been dating, staying at her apartment, but finds that she can’t stand him. She attempts to get him to the airport to get him back on time, but oversleeping and a pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard make him miss his plane. The busboy comes to Jerry’s apartment to tell them that there was an explosion at the restaurant and being fired saved his life. He ends up getting in a fight with Ed (Doug Ballard), which causes the busboy to lose another job and Ed to have to stay with Elaine even longer. Closing monologue: boxers should get into a fender-bender so they have a reason to fight. 2/22/14

SEASON 3

• 018. The Note – 9/18/1991
  • Opening monologue: not all doctors can be ‘the best’. Making conversation with his massage therapist Julianna (Terri Hanauer), Jerry scares her by talking about kidnappings, and she refuses to take his appointments any longer. While discussing this with George and Elaine, he mentions that his dentist friend Roy (Ralph Bruneau) can write them notes to get their massages covered by insurance. Jerry gets one for Elaine, who has already gotten one for her gynecologist, causing him to be investigated for insurance fraud and receive a six-month probation of practicing. George gets assigned to Raymond (Jeff Lester), but fears having a massage from a man, made all the worse when George thinks that ‘it’ moved as a result of it – leading to an intense paranoia that he might be gay. Kramer is convinced that he regularly sees Joe DiMaggio at Dinky Donuts. No one believes him until he shows up at Monk’s. NOTE: This is the only episode to feature the female scat singing over the show’s theme music. Closing monologue: men are homophobic because they have weak sales resistance. 9/10/14 
• 019. The Truth – 9/25/1991
  • Opening monologue: the extra buttons you get with a suit jacket. George breaks up with his girlfriend Patrice (Valerie Mahaffey) and when she asks for the truthful reason, he tells her that she is pretentious. The problem is that Jerry is receiving a tax audit, and as an IRS employee, she was going to assist him and has his tax forms. She ends up checking herself into Woodhaven Clinic to treat her depression, so Jerry and George visit her there to try and retrieve the forms. It turns out she pitched them. Meanwhile, Elaine is frustrated by the fact that Kramer is dating her roommate Tina. Kramer makes a coffee table out of a windshield, and Kramer and Tina both get injured by it. Jerry tries to collect receipts for his audit, and George winds up back with Patrice. Closing monologue: IRS audits and how it should be handled like a sweepstakes. 10/10/14
• 020. The Pen – 10/2/1991
  • Opening monologue: old people in bathing suits. Jerry visits his parents in Miami, Florida at the Phase Two of the Pines of Mar Gables, where his father Morty (now played by Barney Martin) will be the outgoing president of the condo association and have a dinner in his honor. Elaine accompanies him to go scuba diving. Things start to go sour when Jerry accepts a pen that writes upside-down from his parents’ friend Jack Klompus (Sandy Baron), Elaine injures her back on the fold-out couch, and the condo is either too hot or too cold. Jerry’s mom insists that he give back the pen, but Morty throws Jack out when he accepts it. Elaine takes too many muscle relaxers, causing her to continually yell out “Stella!” after meeting Jerry’s Uncle Leo (Len Lesser) and his wife Stella (Magda Harout). Morty and Jack end up in a fight at the dinner, and Jack’s dental plate is broken. Elaine gets a visit from a chiropractor (Roger Nolan) who tells her that she needs to stay in place for the next five days. Ann Morgan Guilbert is Evelyn. Annie Korzen is Jacks’ wife Doris. Closing monologue: Florida is as hot as the sun. 10/12/14
• 021. The Dog – 10/9/1991
  • Opening monologue: making up time in the air by going faster. While Jerry is traveling home via airplane, his drunk seatmate Gavin Palone (Joseph Maher) has an attack and the plane makes an emergency landing in Chicago, and Jerry is asked to take Palone’s dog Farfel (bark provided by Tom Williams) until he can retrieve him. The dog is nothing but a constant source of irritation to Jerry, who misses going to see Prognosis: Negative with George and Elaine. They opt to go see Ponce de Leon instead – without Jerry – but when it is sold out, they are forced to try and awkwardly come up with conversation. The only thing they have in common is making fun of Jerry. Meanwhile Kramer says he is going to break up with his girlfriend Ellen, and Jerry and Elaine badmouth her…so when they don’t break up, Kramer has ill feelings for the things they said. Elaine convinces Jerry to wait one more day for Palone and agrees to watch Farfel while Jerry and George go see a different movie. They end up seeing Prognosis: Negative anyway and Jerry hates it. After a week, Palone shows up to retrieve the dog, using Bell’s Palsey as an excuse. Kramer breaks up with Ellen again. Closing monologue: parakeets flying into a mirror. 10/12/14
• 022. The Library – 10/16/1991
  • Opening monologue: ventriloquist dummies and their booming social lives. Jerry gets a call from the New York Public Library accusing him of not returning the book Tropic of Cancer in 1971. Jerry insists that he did, and recalls reading passages of it with a beautiful girl dressed in orange named Sherry Becker then returning it. Jerry is pursued by the no-nonsense library policeman Lt. Bookman (Philip Baker Hall), but insists his innocence, even looking up Sherry (Cynthia Szigeti), who has now lost her youthful charm, to have her corroborate that he returned it. Sherry recalls that the book they read from was Tropic of Capricorn instead, causing Jerry to remember that he had lent Tropic of Cancer to George and counted on him to return it. Meanwhile George thinks he has found their old gym teacher Mr. Heyman (Biff Yeager), now homeless, on the steps of the library. George had gotten Heyman fired for giving him a wedgie, and later recalls that he had lost the book during said wedgie. Jerry ends up paying for the book, and after giving George another wedgie, it is revealed that the homeless Heyman still has the book in his possession. Meanwhile Kramer dates the librarian Marion (Ashley Gardner) and Elaine worries about losing her job at Pendant since her boss Mr. Lippman (Harris Shore) doesn’t like any of her book recommendations. Closing monologue: gym class was like “Lord of the Flies” in the middle of the school day. 12/19/14
• 023. The Parking Garage – 10/30/1991
  • Opening monologue: trying to decipher upright maps of the mall. After a day of shopping at the mall where Kramer has purchased an air conditioner and Elaine has purchased a goldfish, they realize that they cannot find Kramer’s car in the parking garage. George is supposed to be meeting his parents at 6:15 for an anniversary dinner and Elaine is concerned that the fish won’t survive in a plastic bag. Kramer hides the air conditioner, planning on retrieving it when they find the car. At Kramer’s urging, Jerry and George each pee in the garage and are separately arrested by a security guard (David Dunard). A Scientologist named Michele (Cynthia Ettinger) gives them a ride to look for the car, but throws them out after George offends her. They end up right in front of Kramer’s car, but he is nowhere to be found. He returns at 7:45 with the air conditioner, but when they go to leave, the car won’t start. Closing monologue: helpful ideas to name parking garage levels. Among those they encounter in the garage are Adam Wylie (kid), Carlyle King (mother), Tucker Smallwood (man in Mercedes), and Larry Charles (unresponsive man). 12/20/14
• 024. The Cafe – 11/6/1991
  • Opening monologue: local businesses that keep changing hands. Jerry becomes obsessed with the failure of The Dream Cafe across the street from his apartment run by a timid Pakistani man named Babu Bhatt (Brian George). Jerry gives Babu some business but finds his menu too broad and advises him to serve only food from his native homeland. Meanwhile George’s girlfriend Monica (Dawn Arnemann) wants him to take an IQ test for practice, but he fears she will think he is too dumb for her. He plans to pass the script out the window to Elaine, who has previous scored 145, who then takes the test at the Dream Cafe, where she is distracted by Kramer who is talking about a man trying to get a jacket back from him that was left at Kramer’s mother’s apartment two years earlier. Not only does George turn in the test covered in food that Babu spilled, but the score is a measly 85. He asks to re-take the test and this time Elaine gets trapped in Jerry’s apartment when the angry man comes after Kramer to reclaim his jacket. George is caught without the test, which Elaine gives to Monica later. This time she scores 151 – but George gets no credit. Babu converts the cafe to all Pakistani food, but it is a complete failure. Closing monologue: why good deed-doers remain incognito like Superman. 2/4/15
• 025. The Tape – 11/13/1991
  • Opening monologue: hair transplants. Jerry has left a tape recorder and taped one of his stand-up routines and an unknown woman has left some throaty sexy messages for him on it. George has seen a TV special on a hair restoration project out of China and attempt to call and order the cream, with the help of Chinese food delivery man Ping (Ping Wu). Elaine later reveals to George that it was her who left the message on the tape, which causes George to immediately become attracted to her. The hair cream arrives and Kramer works on documenting his hair growth with a video camera that was given to him. George admits his feelings to Jerry, and is too embarrassed to wear the cream when Elaine is around. After Jerry goes out with the woman who he believes left the message, Elaine finally confesses that she had done it. This leaves Jerry, George, and Kramer all lusting after her. Closing monologue: women using a breathy voice can say anything. NOTE: Frequent bit player in about 30 episodes, Norman Brenner appears as Beder. This is the first of two times he is actually given an on-screen name.  2/4/15
• 026. The Nose Job – 11/20/1991
  • Opening monologue: the pharmacist is on a higher level of the drug store. George is dating a girl named Audrey (Susan Diol) whom he likes, but can’t get past her large nose. Jerry is dating a terrible actress named Isabel (Tawny Kitaen) whom he can’t stand, but enjoys the sex. His brain has period verbal battles (ala playing chess) with his penis over this. The brain ultimately wins and he dumps her. Kramer blurts out that she needs a nose job, and George doesn’t try to stop her while discussing it with her at Elaine’s apartment where Audrey is staying while Tina is out of town. The surgery goes horribly and George can hardly stand to look at her, so she breaks up with him. Meanwhile Kramer tries to retrieve the jacket that was left at his mother’s house from the now-empty apartment of Albert Pepper, who is now in jail. Elaine goes with him and poses as Pepper’s daughter Wanda, while Kramer poses as Peter Van Nostrand. Karmer nearly strangles the landlord (Roy Brocksmith), but ultimately gets the jacket… which gets him a date with the now-beautiful Audrey. Joseph V. Perry is the newsstand vendor. David Blackwood is the interviewer who doesn’t give George a job because he has spinach in his teeth. Closing monologue: the word “rhino” is part of the word “rhinoplasty”. 3/16/15
• 027. The Stranded – 11/27/1991
  • Opening monologue: picking out the right cold medications. George believes he has been short-changed at a drugstore and gets thrown out when he throws a fit to the cashier (Gwendolyn Shepherd). He also invites Jerry and Elaine to attend a party on Long Island in the hopes of hooking up with a girl named Ava (Teri Austin). Jerry and Elaine have a miserable time and when George finds success with Ava, he leaves them behind at the party to wait for Kramer to pick them up…much to the chagrin of the party’s host Jenny (Marcia Firesten) and her husband Steve (Michael Chiklis). Eventually Kramer retrieves them but they have to ride back to the city in a car with no top in the freezing cold. Later, Steve shows up at Jerry’s apartment and gets drunk with Kramer and hires a prostitute, while Jerry goes back to the drug store with George to get cold medicine. George attempts to steal it to make up for being short-changed, only to get arrested. Jerry also gets arrested when he is caught paying off the hooker Patti (Bobbi Jo Lathan) that Steve had hired. George and Jerry share stores of their time behind bars. Closing monologue: the length of a pause after asking for a favor indicates the size of the favor. NOTE: This was the ninth episode produced during the second season, but Larry David thought it was sub-standard and held it back until the third season. The episode was touted as a ‘lost episode’ and Jerry filmed a new introduction explaining why George has a job in it. 3/30/14
• 028. The Alternate Side – 12/4/1991
  • Opening monologue: car alarms behave like a crazy person. Jerry’s car is stolen when Sid (Jay Brooks), the man who moves the cars on the street from one side to the other to avoid tickets, leaves the keys in it. Jerry contacts the thief (voice of Larry David) on the car phone, and Kramer requests that the man return his gloves. With Sid going out of town, George volunteers to move the cars, but causes tremendous havoc on the street, crashing Jerry’s rental car, and disrupting the shooting of a Woody Allen movie, in which Kramer has a bit part, delivering the line “These pretzels are making me thirsty.” Jerry’s rental car insurance won’t cover the damage since George was driving the car. Meanwhile Elaine is about to break up with her 66-year old author boyfriend Owen March (Edward Penn), when he has a stroke before she can tell him. Consequently she has to take care of him for an acceptable amount of time before she can break up with him again. The car thief returns Kramer’s gloves. Janet Zarish is the rental car agent. Closing monologue: wedding vows including the all-important ‘sickness’ line.  3/16/15
• 029. The Red Dot – 12/11/1991
  • Opening monologue: Hoffritz stores in the mall. Jerry and George visit Elaine during her Christmas party at Pendant Publishing and meet Dick (David Naughton), a recovering alcoholic with whom Elaine is dating. He is standoffish with Jerry and accidentally the cranberry and vodka that Elaine asked Jerry to hold. Elaine also offers George a job with the company as a reader and introduces her to her boss Mr. Breckman (Richard Fancy). Jerry convinces George to thank Elaine with a gift, and he chooses a marked-down cashmere sweater that has a red dot flaw on it. Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer speculate on whether Dick has started drinking again, and Kramer gets drunk on Hennigan’s scotch in order to see if it smells. Elaine gives the sweater back to George when she finds out that he bought it because of the flaw. George has sex on his office desk with the cleaning lady Evie (Bridget Sienna) and then puts the screws to George, ultimately telling on him, and returning his gift to him: the cashmere sweater. George gets fired and a drunk Dick stalks Jerry, George, and Elaine at the office. George offers him the sweater, which he accepts until he notices the red dot.  Closing monologue: talking about making someone fall of the wagon. Dick is in the audience, and indicates that he’s now back on. 11/9/14
    
• 030. The Subway – 1/8/1992
  • Opening monologue: bumper cars. The gang heads out on the subway and each goes in a different direction. Jerry is going to recover his stolen car, but wants to take a detour to visit Coney Island. He falls asleep on the subway and wakes up to find that the man (Ernie Sabella) across from him is now naked. Jerry is condescending at first but ends up befriending him and they go to Coney Island together, having so much fun that Jerry never picks up his car. George is on the way to a job interview and is sidetracked by a woman (Barbara Stock) who wants to have a tryst with him. He ends up going to the Hotel Edison with her, where she ties him to the bed and robs him of $8 and his clothes.. Elaine heads to a lesbian wedding where she will act as ‘Best Man’, but never makes it because the subway keeps stopping without explanation. Kramer overhears a horseracing tip and wins $18,000 at the track, but is nearly robbed of the money by a thug (Chris Latta). An undercover policeman posing as a blind violinist (Daryl Keith Roach), whom they all encountered earlier, ends up saving Kramer. Rhoda Gemignani plays a woman Elaine meets on the subway. Barry Vigon and Joe Restivo are the horse players. Mark Boone Junior is track patron. Producer Peter Mehlman appears on the subway. Larry David is the subway announcer. Closing monologue: the subway is scarier than the rides at Coney Island. 6/13/15
• 031. The Pez Dispenser – 1/15/1992
  • Opening monologue: how women apply perfume. George is really into his new girlfriend, pianist Noel (Elizabeth Morehead), but is afraid that she has the upper ‘hand’ in the relationship. When George takes Jerry and Elaine to her concert, it is nearly ruined when Jerry puts a Pez Dispenser on Elaine’s lap and makes her laugh out loud. Elaine leaves the concert and runs into their friend John Mollica (Fred Sanders), who wants her and Jerry to be involved in an intervention with their friend Richie Appel (Chris Barnes). Meanwhile Kramer has joined the Polar Bear Club and pitches a fragrance that smells like the beach to an executive at Calvin Klein named Steve D’Griff (Bill Applebaum), who is also a friend of John and Richie, and promptly turns down the idea. Noel turns cold toward George after the concert incident, so George preemptively breaks up with her, which gives George the ‘hand’ he wanted. The intervention occurs at Jerry’s apartment with Kramer and the Polar Bears present, one of whom (Allen Bloomfield) makes Elaine laugh. Noel recognizes the laugh and breaks it off with George. Jerry later talks about how Richie responds only to the Pez Dispenser at the intervention and checks himself into rehab… and is now addicted to Pez. Closing monologue: jawbreaker candy. 6/13/15
• 032. The Suicide – 1/29/1992
  • Opening monologue: doing well on tests, including hearing tests. Elaine is fasting for three days for an ulcer test. Jerry runs into his neighbor Martin (C.E. Grimes) and his girlfriend Gina (Gina Gallego) and Jerry and Gina flirt, which clearly angers Martin. That night Martin attempts suicide and Jerry helps Gina get him to the hospital, where Jerry and Gina confess their feelings over Martin’s comatose body. Kramer’s friend Newman (Wayne Knight), who is also a friend of Martin’s, sees Jerry and Gina together and Jerry worries that he will tell Martin if he wakes up. Jerry offers him a Drake’s coffee cake to keep quiet, but when an ravenous Elaine eats it, Newman does in fact tell Martin who tries to strangle Jerry. Meanwhile, Elaine takes George to a psychic named Rula (Mimi Lieber) who warns him not to take a trip to the Galapagos Islands, but is thrown out before she can tell him why thanks to Elaine criticizing her for smoking while pregnant. George sees her in the hospital and assists in the birth of her baby, and ends up giving Kramer his vacation tickets. Kramer has a blast hanging out with swimsuit models on the trip…but gets stung by a jellyfish. Elaine has to re-start her fast. Closing monologue: failing at a suicide attempt. 11/9/14
• 033. The Fix-Up – 2/5/1992
  • Opening monologue: what good is an orchestra conductor? Jerry has dinner with George where he talks about his lack of luck with women, while Elaine has dinner with her friend Cynthia (Maggie Jakobson aka Maggie Wheeler). Jerry and Elaine decide to try to fix up George and Cynthia, agreeing to share any information about the couple with each other. After talking George and Cynthia into going out with each other, they end up arranging a date, and then having sex in the kitchen. Cynthia thinks it was uncomfortable and weird so she doesn’t return George’s phone calls. Cynthia then thinks she might be pregnant, and since Kramer had given George a defective condom, becoming a father seems imminent. George impresses Cynthia by offering to be supportive, and things start to go well with them… although Cynthia seems put off by the ravenous way that George attacks the appetizers. Closing monologue: God arranged the first dating fix-up. 11/8/15
• 034 & 035 – The Boyfriend (aka The New Friend) – 2/12/1992
  • Opening monologue: getting in shape just to get through the workout, and the point of having lockers in the gym. While playing basketball at the gym with George and Kramer, Jerry meets one of his favorite baseball players, former Mets first baseman Keith Hernandez (himself), who in turn is a big fan of Jerry’s. They end up striking up a friendship, which Jerry questions almost like a romantic relationship. Elaine actually ends up going on a date with him, and they kiss. Jerry finds it even more awkward when Keith level-jumps on their friendship and asks him to help him move. Meanwhile Newman claims that while heckling Hernandez after a game, Newman got spit on by him. Jerry reconstructs the scenario of the ‘magic loogie’ (ala JFK), but once they confront Hernandez, he reveals that it was actually player Roger McDowell (himself). Elaine gives Keith up when she finds out he’s a smoker, while Jerry parts ways with him when he refuses to help him move, and Kramer and Newman step in to help with the move. George visits an unemployment agency and tries to convince agent Lenore Sokol (Rae Allen) that he is actively searching for a job at the fictitious latex manufacturer Vandelay Industries and uses Jerry’s apartment and phone number of the business. When that falls through, he goes out with Mrs. Sokol’s unappealing daughter Carrie (Carol Ann Susi), but when he breaks it off with her, he resorts with offering up a meeting with Keith, but by that time he and Jerry have parted ways. Carol and Michael, the neighbors whose baby Kramer drops, are Lisa Mende and Stephen Prutting. Richard Assad plays a cabbie. Melanie Good is the “giant”. Closing monologue: your world becomes all about boxes when you’re moving. NOTE: This episode originally aired as a one-hour episode. 8/4/15
• 036. The Limo – 2/26/1992
  • Opening monologue: the inflated prices in the airport. George’s car breaks down just before he picks up Jerry from the airport. They decide to take a limo that is waiting for Donald O’Brien, who unbeknownst to them, is the leader of the Aryan Union and author of the hate-mongering book The Big Game, and is heading to Madison Square Garden for a Neo-Nazi rally this is his first ever public appearance. George and Jerry think they are heading to Madison Square Garden for a basketball game, posing as Colin O’Brien and Dylan Murphy, and invite Kramer and Elaine to join them. Jerry and George are joined by two ‘fellow’ Neo-Nazis Eva (Suzanne Snyder) and Tim (Peter Krause), who profess their allegiance to O’Brien. After they pick up Kramer and Elaine, Eva and Tm figure out that George is not O’Brien and hold everyone at gunpoint. George and his friends are forced out of the car in the midst of a protest rally, which includes Elaine’s friend Dan (Harley Venton), where George protests to news anchor Jodi Baskerville (herself) that he is not in fact Donald O’Brien. Closing monologue: the various types of “Heils” spoken by the Nazis. Jeremy Roberts is the chauffeur. I.M. Hobson is the rude businessman at the airport. 11/8/15
• 037. The Good Samaritan – 3/4/1992
  • Opening monologue: the number of types of phones in the world, and the infrequency of anyone having a chance to miss your call. While driving and chatting on the phone with Elaine, Jerry witnesses a car hit a parked car and drive off. Elaine is impressed that Jerry tries to confront the driver, but when the driver turns out to be the attractive Angela (Melinda McGraw), Jerry just ends up dating her and telling a fictionalized version of his encounter to Elaine. Meanwhile Elaine makes dinner plans with her friend Robin Sandusky (Ann Talman) and her husband Michael (Joseph Malone) and brings George along. Elaine makes up a story about having an affair with a matador named Eduardo Corrochio. Michael takes an instant disliking to George when he tells Robin “God bless you” after a sneeze. This leads to George having an affair with Robin, which Michael pieces together when he calls Elaine looking for Robin, and Elaine is clueless how to act. Kramer is having seizures when he hears the sound of Mary Hart’s voice. Jerry finds out that the victim of the hit and run is an attractive girl he’s been scouting named Becky Gelke (Helen Slater), but trying to force Angela to pay for the damage only makes Angela threaten Jerry with bodily harm. Jerry goes ahead and pays the bill himself, but Becky thinks that he was the one who hit her car and denies him a date. George decides to leave town with Jerry to avoid getting beat up by Michael. Kramer gets a date with Becky but has another seizure when he arrives to pick her up and hears Mary Hart’s voice. Jerry and Elaine try out saying “You are so good looking” after a sneeze. Closing monologue: attractive women being used in ads to sell products… like a ratchet set. 1/5/16
• 038. The Letter – 3/25/1992
  • Opening monologue: security guards in art museums. Jerry is dating a jealous painter named Nina (Catherine Keener) who is working on a portrait of Kramer. Nina’s father Leonard West (Richard Venture) is an accountant for the Yankees and has some game tickets in the owner’s box that she gives to Elaine, George, and Kramer. Elaine skips an invitation from her boss to attend the game, but all three get kicked out when she refuses to remove her Baltimore Oriole’s cape. Kramer gets hit in head with a ball as they are leaving, and thereafter refers to George and Elaine as Mike and Carol. Elaine is nervous when photos of the commotion are printed in the newspaper and tries to keep her boss Mr. Lippman from reading the sports section. Meanwhile George commits to buying one of Nina’s paintings for $500, but wants to back out when an argument between Jerry and Nina over the baseball incident causes them to break up. Nina sends Jerry an impassioned plea for them to stay together, but Jerry soon realizes that she has stolen the words from the Neil Simon play Chapter Two. Jerry confronts her about this, but George is stuck with the painting. Mr. Lippmann never mentions the article, but hears the story from his accountant, who happens to be West as well. Lippmann then gets West’s tickets to the game and invites Elaine, insisting she wear the Baltimore cap as a joke. As George and Jerry watch the game on TV, they hear about the commotion being caused in the owner’s box by a young lady in a Baltimore cap. A rich couple, The Armstrongs (Elliott Reid,, Justine Johnston), buy The Kramer painting for $5000, and then have Kramer over for dinner. Closing monologue: sneaking down to better seats at a baseball game. 1/5/16
• 039. The Parking Space – 4/22/1992
  • Opening monologue: compact cars similar to compact jeans. Jerry is hosting a boxing-watching party at his apartment. Kramer has invited his friend Mike Moffett (Lee Arenberg), which Jerry is okay with until Kramer tells him that Mike thinks that Jerry is a ‘phony’. George and Elaine have borrowed Jerry’s car to go to a flea market and make their way to Jerry’s for the party, when George hits a pothole which causes the car to make a clanking sound. As they near Jerry’s apartment, they find an optimal parking space, but is George is backing in, another man goes in front-first. The man turns out to be Mike, and both George and Mike refuse to budge. Eventually night falls and no progress has been made, with spectators including the police (Mik Scriba, Stan Sellers) being divided on who really deserves the spot. Elaine makes up a story about getting chased by a wild pack of teenagers, causing George to cause the damage to the car, which Jerry only believes for a short time. Jerry confronts Mike about being called a phony. George refuses to remove his new hat for an attractive woman (Shannon Cochran) because he doesn’t want to reveal his baldness. Jerry spills the bean to a child named Matthew (John Christian Graas) that his father is selling his store, much to the chagrin of Matthew’s mother Maryedith (Maryedith Burrell), whom Kramer thinks is pregnant. The conflict is never resolves, but Jerry heads up to his apartment anyway, only to hear the referee’s (Larry David) final count-out of the fight. Closing monologue: more cars than spaces in the city. 3/13/16
• 040. The Keys – 5/6/1992
  • Opening monologue: buying the Ginsu knives. After a series of intrusions by Kramer using Jerry’s spare set of keys, Jerry asks for his keys back. Jerry gives his keys to Elaine, who is uncomfortable with Kramer’s reaction. Kramer retaliates by taking his keys away from Jerry and presenting them to George. He also tells George it will be liberating for him to leave for Los Angeles to try and break into show business and invites George to go along. George refuses, and then gets his keys from Elaine to give to Kramer. Meanwhile Kramer heads for L.A., where he gets a motorcycle ride from a guy (Eric Allan Kramer) who has previously had a bad accident, befriends a band of hippies, and gets a ride with a female trucker (Sharon Barr). Jerry locks himself out of his apartment and can’t get hold of Elaine who now has his spare key. Even though Jerry is supposed to receive Elaine’s key, George is still reluctant to let Jerry into her apartment to find his key. While there Jerry and George find a script that Elaine is trying to write for Murphy Brown. That fact that George has let Jerry into her place irritates Elaine. Jerry and Elaine sit down to watch Murphy Brown and see that Kramer is playing Murphy’s new secretary Stephen Snell. Closing monologue: losing the keys to an airplane. Candice Bergen is herself as Murphy. Nina Tremblay is Jerry’s girlfriend. C.K. Steefel is Kramer’s girlfriend Goochie. Ricky Dean Logan is a hippie. 3/14/16

SEASON 4

• 041. The Trip: Part 1 – 8/12/1992
  • Opening monologue: picking up and moving was much harder for the pioneers. Jerry tells George about Karmer appearing on Murphy Brown, then invites him to go along with him to his California appearance on The Tonight Show. In California Kramer gets ousted from Murphy Brown and struggles to find work as an extra while he tries to sell his script treatment around town, even offering it to Fred Savage (himself). Meanwhile a series of murders in Los Angeles baffles Lieutenants Martel (Peter Murnik) and Coleman (Vaughn Armstrong). Jerry and George make their way to L.A. and check into their hotel, where George makes a big deal out of whether their made Lupe (Dyana Ortelli) will tuck in his bed sheets. Lupe also throws away one of Jerry’s handwritten jokes, causing him to fumble his appearance on The Tonight Show. George meets the show’s other guests George Wendt (himself) and Corbin Bernsen (himself) and gives them his ideas for the shows, and is ridiculed by both actors on the air. Kramer meets an aspiring actress named Chelsea (Debi A. Monahan) during an audition, and when she is later found murdered with Kramer’s treatment The Keys, he becomes a prime suspect in the case. Helene and the weirdo hippie who gave Karmer the ride are interviewed. Jerry and George see newscaster Keith Morrison (himself) announce Kramer as a suspect as they leave NBC. Closing monologue: talk show hosts never now how much time they have left. Elmarie Wendel is Helene, who claims to have starred in the Three Stooges short Sappy Pappies. Manfred Melcher is Officer Ross. Will Nye and Winston J. Rocha are the airport security guards. Ruth Cohen makes her first appearance as Monk’s cashier Ruthie Cohen. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 6/16/16
• 042. The Trip: Part 2 – 8/19/1992
  • Opening monologue: chalk outline guys. Jerry and George call 9-1-1 to report that they know Kramer, and to vouch that he can’t possible by the so-called ‘Smog Strangler’. Two officers (Marty Rackham, Peter Parros) pick them up to bring them in for an interview, but en route they catch car burglar Tobias Lehigh Nagy (Clint Howard) and he is shoved in the back seat with Jerry and George where he argues with them about how much to tip Lupe. The officers then respond to a call to help pickup the Smog Strangler. Jerry and George accompany the cops and inadvertently let Tobias escape. Kramer is arrested and taken in for questioning, but he is ultimately let go when another murder takes place while he is in custody. Jerry and Kramer reconcile about the ‘keys incident’ but Kramer resolutely decides to remain in California and continue his quest to become an actor. Lupe tucks in George’s sheets after all, much to Jerry’s delight. George forgets to tip her altogether. Back in New York Kramer shows up as if nothing has happened, and he and Jerry exchange keys once again. Broadcaster Keith Morrison reveals on TV that the new suspect in the Smog Strangler case is Tobias, who he announces was earlier picked up on an unrelated charge… and managed to escape. Closing monologue: smog warnings. NOTE: This is the secnd of a two-part episode. 6/16/16
• 043 & 044. The Pitch / The Ticket – 9/16/1992
  • Opening monologue: Colonial Williamsburg and the Amish. While working at a comedy club, Jerry is approached by NBC executives Stu Chermack (Kevin Page) and Jay Crespi (Peter Blood) who request that he come up with a sitcom idea for himself. George and Kramer each put in their two cents with ideas but none suit Jerry. Elaine is in Europe with her psychiatrist Dr. Reston (Stephen McHattie), with whom she is having an affair. Meanwhile Kramer has traded a broken radar detector for Newman’s helmet. During a conversation at the coffee shop, George comes up with the idea that the show be based on their daily conversations, or in other words, ‘nothing.’ Jerry brings George with him to pitch the show to Chermack and Crespi, along with executive Susan Ross (Heidi Swedberg) and NBC President Russell Dalrymple (Bob Balaban). While in the waiting room, Jerry runs into writer ‘Crazy’ Joe Davola (Peter Crombie), a patient of Dr. Reston, who thinks he may have forgotten to give Joe his medication, and Jerry’s nervousness, lets it slip that Kramer is having a party. George pitches the idea to the puzzled executives and storms out of the meeting when they aren’t receptive to the ‘show about nothing’. George asks Susan out and gets her to champion the show, but fears he may have blown it when Kramer drinks some expired milk and vomits on her. Kramer is attacked by Joe and kicked in the head, but the helmet he is wearing saves him, although it causes him to behave erratically, yell out ‘Yo Yo Ma’ randomly, and only shave half of his face. Newman gets a speeding ticket and blames Kramer since the radar detector didn’t work. He concocts a story that he was rushing home to stop Kramer from committing suicide for never becoming a banker. Jerry and George are called back to NBC who are now interested in shooting a pilot, thanks to Susan’s surprise recommendation, but George is hugely disappointed by the $13,000 offered to them. On the way to NBC Jerry throws away a watch that his parents gave him and runs into Uncle Leo, whom he snubs because he’s on the way to his meeting. Leo retrieves the watch from the trash. Kramer and Newman appear in court, but Newman’s testimony is ruined by Kramer’s disruptions and memory loss, and the judge (Al Fann) forces Newman to pay the $75 for the ticket. Jerry is afraid he is being stalked by Joe Davola, and asks a cop (David Graf) to walk him out of the coffee shop, but grows impatient when the cop wants to finish eating. Newman gets another ticket in front of the coffee shop, and Jerry proposes that story as the pilot. Closing monologue: traffic school. Julie Claire aka Julie Blum is the NBC receptionist. Program Consultant Steve Skrovan is comedian Tommy. 9/7/16
• 045. The Wallet – 9/23/1992
  • Opening monologue: seeing the speedometer and gas gauge from different angles. Jerry parents come into town so that Morty can see back specialist Dr. Dembrow (David Sage). When they notice that the watch they gave him is missing, they start to question him about it and he lies and says it’s with the jeweler. Meanwhile George passes on the offer of $13,000 to film the pilot, thinking he can negotiate more money. Jerry thinks he’s nuts, but George is convinced the plan will work. Susan gives George a box of Cuban cigars from her father, which he passes on to Kramer, who proceeds to light his hair on fire while smoking one. Morty visits the doctor for his back and while he is getting x-rays, his wallet turns up missing, and his boisterous reactions gets him thrown out. Elaine returns from Europe and confesses that she wants to break up with Dr. Reston, but that he has a hold over her. She ends up telling Reston that she is in a relationship with Kramer, but he forces her to have Kramer call him. Jerry has dinner with his parents and Uncle Leo, and his parents notice that Leo has the same watch they gave Jerry, arousing even more suspicion. Closing monologue: TV series that are ‘to be continued.’ NOTE: This is the first part of a two-part episode. Susan Ilene Johnson is the nurse. Denise Dowse is the receptionist. Brian Leckner is the gas station attendant. 11/29/16
• 046. The Watch – 9/30/1992
  • Opening monologue: paperweights, the worst gift. Jerry buys back his watch from Uncle Leo for $350, but it is all for naught when Morty catches them in the middle of the transaction. George finds out from Susan that Mr. Dalrymple had no counter-offer and decides to go with another show. George steals his address from Susan and goes to see him, getting through the snooty doorman (Lewis Dauber), and past Dalrymple’s haughty girlfriend Cynthia (Mimi Craven), and finally gets him to agree to move forward with the pilot… for $8000, $5000 less than the original offer. Elaine has Kramer call Reston, and although he gets off to a convincing start, Reston convinces him to come see him. Morty refuses to let Jerry pay the dinner check, but then can’t convince the maitre d’ (Christopher Carroll) to let him mail the money since his wallet was stolen. Reston convinces Kramer to let him have Elaine, but Elaine ends up making a date with one of Reston’s other patients… who unbeknownst to her is Crazy Joe Davola. Jerry makes a date with the restaurant waitress Naomi (Jessica Lundy), not realizing until afterward that she has an annoying laugh. Jerry gives his father a wallet which he has secretly loaded with $400, but since it is a velcro wallet which he can’t stand, he throws it away. Uncle Leo claims this prize as well as he’s taking the Seinfelds to the airport to return home. Closing monologue: pictures in a wallet and how out of date they usually are. 11/30/16
• 047. The Bubble Boy – 10/7/1992
  • Opening monologue: calling someone and hoping for the answering machine. Jerry’s plans to bring Naomi with him for a weekend with George and Susan to stay in Susan’s father’s cabin is scuttled when she finds out how annoyed Jerry is by her laugh. In her place Elaine agrees to go with Jerry. George is relieved when Kramer has plans to play at a private golf club so can’t go. Jerry and Elaine meet a Yoo Hoo truck driver Mel Sanger (Brian Doyle-Murray) who requests that Jerry pay a visit to his son Donald (Jon Hayman), who is restricted to living in a bubble. Since Susan knows the area, Jerry agrees to follow George to visit the Bubble Boy and then go on to the cabin, but George speeds ahead and Jerry gets lost. George and Susan visit with Donald alone and end up getting into fight with him over a Trivial Pursuit disagreement. Meanwhile Jerry and Elaine stop at a diner and get in an argument with the waitress (O-Lan Jones) over one of his autographed photos. Kramer’s plans are cancelled and Naomi’s reconsiders going, so they head up the cabin as well. When news of the Bubble Boy spreads through the town, townsmen (George Gerdes, Tony Papenfuss) go after George. Jerry and Elaine follow them to the Bubble Boy’s house and they all manage to escape, only to arrive at the cabin that is on fire, thanks to Kramer accidentally starting a fire with one of his Cuban cigars. Carol Mansell is Donald’s mother. Closing monologue: the power of fire. 3/12/17
• 048. The Cheever Letters – 10/28/1992
  • Opening monologue: the office as a stationary store, and pictures of families on the desk. George builds up his courage to meet Susan’s father (Warren Frost) and mother (Grace Zabriskie) and tell them about the burnt cabin. He and Jerry also struggle to get to work to write the TV pilot script, utilizing every distraction possible. Jerry nearly gets Elaine’s secretary Sandra (Lisa Malkiewicz) fired by telling Elaine that she keeps him on the phone to long when he calls for her. Jerry makes it up by going on a date with Sandra, but when they wind up in bed, Jerry makes a strange comment about her panties while ‘dirty talking’. Jerry wants to keep Elaine from finding out about his comment, so he encourages her to fire Sandra again. Meanwhile Kramer tries to find another way to secure Cuban cigars so he visits the Cuban embassy and makes friends with Luis (Miguel Perez), who trades him cigars for his jacket and along with a few other officials, becomes golfing pals with Kramer. George finally is able to tell an inconsolable Mr. Ross about the cabin. The doorman (David Blackwood) delivers the only item that survived the fire, a box of love letters from author John Cheever, indicating a homosexual relationship with Mr. Ross. Because Elaine has Sandra transferred, she blabs about long distance phone calls that Elaine made to Europe. Jerry pays Elaine the amount that her boss is charging her for the calls, but it is all for naught since Elaine already knows the dirty comment that Jerry made. Closing monologue: talking during sex, and phone sex call waiting. Vanessa Marquez is the receptionist. Timothy Omundson is Susan’s brother Ricky. Patricia Lee Willson is Susan’s Aunt Sara. 3/12/17
• 049. The Tuxedo – 11/4/1992
  • Opening monologue: tuxedos at weddings. Joe Davola leaves a threatening message on Jerry’s machine accusing him of ruining his NBC deal. Kramer talks Jerry into attending opening night of Pagliacci starring Pavarotti along with himself, Elaine and ‘Joey,’ and George and Susan. While Jerry tries to call Joe to make things right, Elaine discovers his true nature when she visits his home and sees his shrine to her. Susan cancels going to the opera, so Kramer and George attempt to scalp the tickets. After beating up some punks in the park, Joe shows up at the opera in a clown outfit, and Kramer unwittingly sells him his ticket. Susan shows up at the last minute, but George still sells his ticket to man he refers to as ‘Harry Fong’ (Glen Chin). George gets accosted by an acquaintance named Mr. Reichman (Ross Evans) who catches him selling the ticket. Jerry has runs in with a man (Tom Celli) who steals a quarter that Jerry dropped, and an angry clown (Gerrit Graham). Eventually Jerry and Elaine realize that Crazy Joe Davola and her boyfriend Joey are the same man. When they run into him, they escape into the opera, but then realize that Kramer has sold his ticket to Joe. Closing monologue: the need for binoculars at the opera. Harriet S. Miller is Mrs. Reichman. Bill Saluga is the usher. Jason Wingreen is the man Kramer tries to sell his ticket to. 9/1/17
• 050. The Virgin – 11/11/1992
  • Opening monologue: get-out-of-relationship free cards. Jerry runs into closet organizer Marla Penny (Jane Leeves) whom he once tried to hook up, and her friend Stacy (Leah Lail). Jerry tries to rekindle his relationship with Marla and finds out that she is still a virgin. George is interested in Stacy, who is fascinated that George is writing a sitcom, but Jerry reminds him that he is in a relationship with Susan. George tries to figure out a way to get rid of Susan without jeopardizing the pilot, his best idea being to hook up Susan with David Letterman. Jerry and George still haven’t come up with any story for their sitcom pilot, so Jerry pitches a ridiculous idea that George had come up with about a judge sentencing a man who wrecked into him to become his butler. With Russell Dalrymple out of town, another executive name Rita Kirson (Anne Twomey), and ends up firing Susan when George gives her a kiss during their meeting… causing her to break up with him. Meanwhile Kramer gives his TV to George because he’s becoming too addicted, but then spends all his time watching TV at Jerry’s. Elaine jaywalks and causes Chinese delivery man Ping to wreck his bike and get injured, ruining most of the food that is being delivered to Jerry’s, and Ping decides to sue Elaine. Marla talks to Elaine to decide if she should give up her virginity or not, and her advice causes Jerry to lose out in sleeping with her. George is thrilled with being free again, but the first woman (Derya Ruggles) he hits on and her friend Carol (Dayna Winston) are completely unimpressed by George being a sitcom writer. Closing monologue: sacrificing virgins. 9/1/17
• 051. The Contest – 11/18/1992
  • Opening monologue: your parents having sex. George’s mother Estelle (Estelle Harris) catches him pleasuring himself at his mother’s house and injures herself when she collapses, which leads to a discussion between him, Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer and a bet as to who can refrain from masturbating the longest. When Kramer sees a naked woman across from Jerry’s apartment, he immediately loses the bet. Elaine is the next out when her friend Joyce (Ilana Levine) gets her into an aerobics class with John F. Kennedy Jr., and when he takes an interest in her and mentions meeting up with her. George and Jerry bicker with each other as their temptation bubbles over: Jerry is still dating Marla the virgin and resists watching the woman across the street, while George visits his mother in the hospital where an attractive nurse (Andrea Parker) gives a nightly sponge bath to a gorgeous patient. Marla finally agrees to sleep with Jerry, but when she finds out about the contest, she angrily leaves him. Elaine misses her meeting with JFK Jr., and he takes off with Marla instead. That night everyone sleeps soundly, although it is never revealed whether Jerry or George won the contest. Kramer winds up in bed with the neighbor, while Marla winds up in bed with JFK Jr. Closing monologue: Men want to see whatever women don’t want to show them. Rachel Sweet is George’s cousin Shelly. 4/6/18
• 052. The Airport – 11/25/1992
  • Opening monologue: the tiny things on airplanes. As a result of losing a bet with Jerry that he could jump up and touch an awning, George, with Kramer in tow, agrees to pick up Jerry and Elaine at JFK airport as they return from a trip to St. Louis. Elaine ticks off a Skycap (Mark Christopher Lawrence) and he sends her bags to Honolulu. After racing to the terminal, they find that their flight has been cancelled and they re-book to fly into LaGuardia, but are unable to notify George. Jerry is seated in first class where he meets a model named Tia Van Kamp (Jennifer Campbell) and they live the high life of first class indulgences, while Elaine is miserably cramped between two annoying passengers (Lenny Rose, Annie Korzen). Meanwhile George runs afoul of a prisoner (Scott Burkholder) being transported when he takes the last TIME Magazine, of which the convict is on the cover, and Kramer feels he recognizes a man in the airport who he thinks is a former neighbor named Grossbard (Alan Wasserman) who owes him money. George and Kramer find out that Jerry and Elaine have been rerouted so they head to LaGuardia, but as Jerry and Elaine’s plane nears the airport, they are rerouted back to JFK due to fog. Kramer is happy to be going back as he wants to confront Grossbard, and uses George’s credit card to buy a ticket to board Grossbard’s plane, get the money, and the get a refund. George had the idea to buy two tickets so that he will get the flyer miles, since the tickets will be refunded anyway. On board their plane, Kramer is thrown off for confronting Grossbard, and George is attacked by the prisoner and then winds up in the air. As their plane hits the runway, Jerry spots Kramer running down it. Jerry winds up dating Tia, and Elaine’s luggage comfortably lands in Hawaii. Kramer then comes down the baggage chute. Closing monologue: the plane’s bathroom is like a small apartment, and stand-by never works. Jim J. Bullock and Karen Denise Williams are flight attendants. Maggie Egan is the ticket clerk. Deck McKenzie is the security guard. Jack Graiman is the cop. Bill Masters is the driver. Larry Charles appears a bathroom customer, and Larry David’s voice is heard as the passenger who ordered the kosher meal. 4/6/18
• 053. The Pick – 12/16/1992
  • Opening monologue: Jerry’s thoughts on fashion shows. George laments losing his girlfriend and wants her back. Jerry reminds him that he couldn’t stand her, so George goes to see Elaine’s therapist friend Dana Foley (Gina Hecht). However their session falls apart when George’s jacket zipper gets stuck and they spend the entire session trying to undo it. Jerry’s goes out with model Tia whom he met on the airplane, and finds out that she’s the model of a new line of perfume called Ocean, which is a Calvin Klein ripoff of a perfume called The Beach that Kramer once pitched to them. Elaine has Kramer take a picture of her to put on her Christmas card, but doesn’t realize until she sends them out that her nipple is showing in the photo, causing her religious boyfriend Fred (Tony Carlin) to flip out, and co-workers to start calling her ‘Nip.’ Tia spots Jerry at a red light while he is scratching his nose, and she mistakes it for a pick, causing her to stop returning his phone calls. Jerry goes to confront her at Calvin Klein, while Kramer demands a meeting with Calvin Klein (Nicholas Hormann) himself to confront him about the perfume. Calvin ends up hiring Kramer as an underwear model, but Elaine finds that he too is exposed more than he should be in his first ad. George is able to talk Susan into getting back together with him, but then instantly regrets it. He gets back out of the relationship by having her catch him in a nose pick. Closing monologue: maintenance and upkeep on the human body. Steve Shubert is Elaine’s co-worker. Francois Giroday and Blaire Baron are Calvin Klein execs. 11/29/18
• 054. The Movie – 1/6/1993
  • Opening monologue: the age gap between employees at the movie theater. Jerry’s set at the Improv comedy club is delayed by Kernis (Tom La Grua), so he takes a later set, which means he’ll miss the movies with his friends. He heads across town to the Catch a Rising Star club to do another set, but is informed by Maurice (Eric Poppick) that he missed that set too. He ends up sharing a cab with annoying comedian Pat Buckles (Barry Diamond) to the theater to tell the others he won’t be able to make it. George, Elaine, and Kramer all converge at the Paragon to see Checkmate, but realize that they’re standing in the ticket holder’s line and the show sells out. Kramer gets the idea to head to the Paradise Twin, and sends Elaine and George over there, waiting to let Jerry know. George gets the tickets, although tempted by the other film playing: Rochelle, Rochelle. George and disagree about how Elaine will pay him back. Elaine tries to save three seats while George waits for Kramer and Jerry outside the theater for a while then roams in. Elaine sends him to give Kramer the tickets, but he has left to go get a hot dog at Papaya King, telling the cashier (Molly Cleator) to tell him when George shows up. As Elaine loses all the seats, George misses Kramer and heads back to the theater where the usher (Perry Anzilotti) won’t let him in, so George uses one of the extra tickets. George returns to the Paradise, but can’t find Elaine because she’s at the concession stand, and ends up getting locked out of the theater. Jerry can’t find anyone at the Paragon so he heads to the Improv. A slow cab driver (Allan Kolman) makes him late for the later set, which has been filled in by Buckles. The two of them decide to go see Rochelle, Rochelle. George loses his stub again and has to give the usher the third ticket to get in, but goes to see Rochelle, Rochelle; a tall man sits in front of him and he can’t see the nudity. Kramer finally shows up at the Paradise, and the usher lets him in with no questions. Elaine can’t find her seat when she gets back into the theater, so she has to go see Rochelle, Rochelle. Jerry, George, and Elaine all meet in the Rochelle, Rochelle theater, and finally catch up with Kramer coming out of Checkmate… wearing Elaine’s coat that he found when he took her seat. Closing monologue: Jerry is often confused by movie plots. Cathy Lind Hayes is the gabby lady in the theater. Montrose Hagins and Paul Eisenhauer are theater-goers who try to take Elaine’s seats. Christie Mellor is the girl at the concession stand. Jeff Norman is the man in line who tells George he has no ticket. 11/29/18
• 055. The Visa – 1/27/1993
  • Opening monologue: Lawyers, and how their phrases are translated from those of children. Jerry returns from a road trip and has to hassle Elaine to give him his mail. He also finds that his friend Babu is now working in the coffee shop and lives in his building thanks to Jerry’s help. George meets an attractive lawyer named Cheryl (Maggie Han) and begins dating her, but insists that Jerry not be funny around her because it might over-shadow George’s funniness. Jerry put on persona of being dour and reflective. It is also revealed that Cheryl is the cousin of delivery boy Ping, and is representing him in suing Elaine. When Babu is threatened by deportation, Cheryl proves to be useful to Jerry to help defend him, and also to Elaine to talk Ping into dropping the case. Cheryl becomes attractive to Jerry for being so deep and dark, so George tells her that the whole thing was  ruse, and that George is actually the one who is dark and disturbed. Cheryl is so offended that she drops Babu as a client and doubles the damages against Elaine. Jerry realizes that Babu’s visa application was in his mail that Elaine gave to him a week late. Babu is deported back to Pakistan and tells his friend (Gerry Bednob) that he vows vengeance on Jerry. Meanwhile Kramer returns from baseball fantasy camp when it ends early, due to Kramer causing a melee and punching Mickey Mantle. Closing monologue: the real meaning of the words on the Statue of Liberty. John Hamelin is Babu’s brother. 10/5/19
• 056. The Shoes – 2/4/1993
  • Opening monologue: People need a dating guide full of sexual standard procedures. Jerry and George are making great headway on their script, but cut out the Elaine character since they can’t figure out how to write for a woman. Kramer runs into Jerry’s ex-girlfriend Gail Cunningham (Anita Barone), who refused to kiss Jerry after several dates, so he snubs her on Jerry’s behalf. Gail confronts Jerry about Gail, and at the same time compliments Elaine’s fancy Boticelli shoes. She then confronts Kramer and the two of them end up kissing. She also tells him about Elaine’s shoes, which infuriates her and causes her to confront Gail and her restaurant Pfeiffer’s, and she ends up sneezing on a pasta primavera lunch being served to Russel Dalrymple. George and Jerry get mixed feedback on the script: Elaine hates it since she was cut out, George’s therapist Dana finds it unfunny, causing George to blast her as a therapist, and Russell is too busy vomiting because Elaine got him sick to comment. However when Russel catches George staring at his 15-year old daughter’s (Denise Richards) cleavage, Russell scuttles the pilot. Jerry asks Gail to tell him the next time Russell comes into the restaurant, and she agrees to do it in exchange for the shoes. When he does, George and Jerry head there to confront him, and Elaine joins them to flash her cleavage to Russell to get him to change his mind. The pilot is then back on, and Elaine sets up a date with Russell, and promises to champion the script… with the stipulation that the guys put her character back in. Closing monologue:men’s fascination with cleavage, which attracts their attention the way a UFO landing would. Michael Ornstein is the waiter. 10/6/19
• 057. The Outing – 2/11/1993
  • Opening monologue: Jerry is tired of pretending to be excited by people’s birthday. George attempts to break it off with his girlfriend Allison (Kari Coleman), but she becomes so upset that he calls it off temporarily. Later he meets up with Jerry and Elaine at the coffee shop, where Jerry is attempting to meet an NYU writer named Sharon (Paula Marshall) who is planning an article about Jerry. They’ve never met before so they don’t recognize each other even though they are sitting in neighboring booths. Elaine notices that Sharon is eavesdropping and makes up a story about Jerry and George being lovers, and George plays along. Later when Jerry finally meets Sharon at the apartment, all indications are that Jerry and George are gay, so Sharon plans to explore that angle in her story despite protests from Jerry. She later backs off that angle, but after gets a two-line phone from Kramer for his birthday, and she accidentally overhears a conversation with George during which he sarcastically claims to have ‘fooled’ Sharon, she moves forward with the article, which then gets picked up by the AP and published in the New York Post. Suddenly Jerry is noticed all over town, and thanked by a gay marine (Anthony Mangano) who says Jerry inspired him to come out. Suddenly all of Jerry’s birthday presents seem to indicate he is gay, and both his and George’s parents are freaking out. Estelle winds up in the hospital when she reads the article and falls off the toilet. George visits her and uncomfortably watches a male nurse (Ben Reed) give a sponge bath to a male patient. Elaine meets with Sharon to try and tell her the truth, but it goes sour when Elaine won’t remove her coat. Later Jerry meets with Sharon again and they end up kissing, but this is interrupted by George who attempts to use the gay angle to finally get rid of Allison. He is unsuccessful but manages to turn off Sharon once and for all. Kramer comes home with a man named Scott (Deck McKenzie), who appears to be a lover but turns out to be a phone man. Closing monologue: Jerry is thin, single, and neat, which may equate to gayness, unlike fat, married, and sloppy. Lawrence A. Mandley is Larry, the manager at Monk’s.  Charley J. Garrett and David Gibbs are the men with newspaper. 3/24/20
• 058. The Old Man – 2/18/1993
  • Opening monologue: life expectancy now versus years ago. As George pontificates the meaning of life and relationships, expressing an interest in dating a mute woman to avoid confrontation, Elaine presents her own idea to help visit with the elderly through the Senior Citizens Volunteer Agency. George is anxious to take on this endeavor to help people. Jerry is reluctant, but agrees. The agency rep (Victoria Dillard) assigns each of the three to their people: Jerry gets a man named Sid Fields (Bill Erwin) who is beyond crotchety and nasty, George gets a man named Ben Cantwell (Robert Donley) who has a good outlook on life, and Elaine gets a lady named Mrs. Oliver (voice of Edie McClurg), a lady with a giant disgusting goiter on her neck who once dated Gandhi. Meanwhile Kramer and Newman decide to become record dealers and start with trying to sell Jerry’s collection at Bleecker Bob’s Records, where the proprietor Ron (Tobin Bell) only offers them $5.00. Ben walks out on George because George’s life outlook is so futile, while Jerry is ready to abandon Sid after he lets Kramer and Newman pick over his records. Sid agrees to give away the records, but he is so annoyed by Kramer and Newman that he attacks them and winds up knocking out his own false teeth, which get ground up in the garbage disposal. They attempt to take him to the dentist, but lose him in the process. George is more interested in his housekeeper (Lanei Chapman) because she doesn’t speak English. Kramer and Newman return to the record store and get in an altercation with Ron when he will only offer them $20, and end up getting thrown out. Sid’s son Tim (Jerry Hauck) and the caregiver visit Jerry to chastise him for losing their father. They all visit his home, only to find the housekeeper oiling the head of a topless George. Ben and Sid meet up to talk about life, similar to George and Jerry, and Sid laments about a blind date with Mrs. Oliver and being repulsed by her goiter. Closing monologue: Old people get smaller, while their cars get bigger. 3/25/20
• 059. The Implant – 2/25/1993
  • Opening monologue: security at health clubs. Jerry has been out on a date with a girl from his health club named Sidra (Teri Hatcher) who he really likes, but when Elaine tells him that she thinks Sidra has breast implants, suddenly Jerry isn’t interested and tells her that he’s getting back with his ex-girlfriend who is mentally ill. Still Elaine vows to find out for sure, and when she trip in the sauna and accidentally uses Sidra to cushion her fall, she finds out that they are in fact real. Jerry then arranges another date with a reluctant Sidra, but when she she realizes that Elaine and Jerry are friends, she storms out and breaks it off… making sure to tell Jerry that her breasts real and they’re spectacular. Meanwhile George is trying to make headway in his relationship with his girlfriend Betsy (Megan Mullally), but keeps getting interrupted when he tries to make a move. Just when he thinks he’s going to score, Betsy gets a call that her Aunt Clarice has died. George thinks if he flies home with her to Detroit for the funeral, his boyfriend status will be elevated. Kramer talks him into going for the bereavement fare, but the ticket clerk (Carol Rosenthal) tells him he will need a death certificate. George becomes fixated on this at the funeral, asking the priest Father Jessup (Bruce Ed Morrow) and Dr. Allenwood (Donald Bishop), who promises to get it for him. However it all becomes irrelevant when George gets in a fight with Betsy’s brother Timmy (Kieran Mulroney) when George double dips his chip into dip and Timmy calls him out for it. The only evidence that George can offer the next ticket clerk (Susan Beaubian) is photo of him with the casket. Kramer thinks he has found Salmon Rushdie at the health club. The man identifies himself as Sal Bass (Tony Amendola), but Kramer has his doubts. Peggy Stewart is Aunt May. Closing monologue: using liposuction in a restaurant. 7/5/20
• 060. The Junior Mint – 3/17/1993
  • Opening monologue: committing adultery. Jerry goes to see her ex-boyfriend Roy (Sherman Howard) in the hospital, and although she broke up with him because he got to fat, when she sees that he’s lost a lot of weight, she asks him out again. Jerry who was brought along to act like her boyfriend tries to ruin it for her, but she is adamant. Kramer comes along to steal gloves to use while he’s finishing his apartment in all wood colors, but ends up questioning Roy’s Dr. Siegel (Victor Raider-Wexler) about the inner abdominal retractors he plans to use on Roy’s splenectomy. The doctor invites him and Jerry to witness the operation from the spectator’s booth above the procedure. While watching it, Jerry and Kramer argue over a Junior Mint and it ends up falling inside his opened-up chest and it is sewn inside. Meanwhile George has just received a windfall of money from change he saved in elementary school and he celebrates by watching – and crying to – Home Alone. Jerry is dating a girl (Susan Walters) he met at the grocery store, but doesn’t know her name. All he can get out of her is that her name rhymes with part of the female anatomy, but he can’t figure it out, and once he makes out with her, he is too afraid to ask. Elaine reports that Roy’s prognosis is negative so George decides to buy some of his art. Jerry continues trying to figure out his girlfriend’s name by going through her purse and then calling her by the name that Olympia Dukakis signed an autograph for… but it is signed to her uncle Joseph Puglia. Once she figures out he doesn’t know her name, she storms out. George is happy when he finds out that Roy’s condition is bad because it will mean his art will increase in value. But suddenly Roy recovers, and he attributes it to George buying his art and starts eating heavily again. The doctor attributes it to a miracle ‘from above.’ Elaine is disgusted by his eating again and tries to get out of their date, but Jerry again won’t cooperate with pretending they have plans. Jerry remembers that his girlfriend’s name was Delores. Closing monologue: the big role candy plays in the life of a child. 7/7/20
• 061. The Smelly Car – 4/15/1993
  • Opening monologue: feeling defeated when one asks for the doggy bag in a restaurant. Jerry takes Elaine out to eat at Kady’s, but when they leave the realize that the valet’s body odor had permeated the car and left the worst stench they’ve ever smelled. Elaine goes directly to her new boyfriend Carl’s (Nick Bakay) place, but he rejects her because her hair smells so bad. Jerry returns the car to the Kady’s and forces the restaurateur (Michael Des Barres) to smell the car, and it’s so bad that he agrees to pay half of the $250 cost to have it cleaned. Elaine has her hair washed professionally by a hairdresser (Taylor Negron) while a car washer (Raf Mauro) outlines a plan to fully deodorize the car for Jerry, but when all is done, both the car and her hair still smell. Meanwhile George is returning his VHS tape of Rochelle Rochelle to the video store where the clerk (Courtney Gaines) attempts to charge him $2.00 for not rewinding. At Kramer’s suggestion, George takes the tape to watch again and pay less than the fine itself. However the tape is stolen out of Jerry’s car, so George had to pay $98. He also runs into Susan at the video store, and learns for the first time that Susan is now a lesbian who is dating a girl named Mona (Viveka Davis). Kramer strikes up a conversation with Mona and realizes she is a golf instructor, so they wind up falling in love. An angry Susan comes to yell at Kramer, and George takes her out to Monk’s in order to find out if he was the cause of her turn to lesbianism. While there, they run into George’s old girlfriend Alison, and she and Susan hit it off right away, much to George’s dismay. When Jerry cannot even sell his car to a salesman (Robert Noble) because of the smell, he leaves it on the street with the windows down and the keys inside in front of a hobo. He gets inside and he too is taken aback by the odor. Closing monologue: why does b.o. exist? Walt Beaver and Patricia Place are the bickering couple. 10/22/20
• 062. The Handicap Spot – 5/13/1993
  • Opening monologue: You’re the dictator when you’re single, but decision must be made by committee when you’re with someone. The gang is invited to the engagement party of their friend The Drake (Rick Overton), but George balks at having to buy a gift. They all agree to chip in for a gift, and decide to stop by the mall before the party and pick one out. George borrows his father Frank’s (John Randolph) car to go together, and when the mall is crowded George parks the car in a handicap spot. After they purchase a big screen TV, they return to the car and find an ambulance nearby where a lady (Kathy Kinney) informs them that a lady in a wheelchair was injured rolling up an incline when her battery gave out. A crowd has formed and wants to attack the owner of the car who they blame for her predicament, so they go eat and discuss their game plan. By the time they return, the crowd is gone but the car is destroyed. Frank is livid, and Estelle’s Mah-Jongg friends (Fritzi Burr, Norma Janis, Ina Parker) suggest that Frank make George his butler, just as the storyline in their sitcom pilot dictates. Kramer goes to see the wheelchair victim Lola (Donna Evans), and falls in love with her. He insists that George help him buy her a new wheelchair so they go shopping for one. The salesman Ray (Richard Portnow) tries to talk them into a top-notch model, but George banters down to the cheapest used model. Since they missed the engagement party, Jerry and Elaine make arrangements to have dinner with The Drake and Allison (Elizabeth Dennehy), only to find out upon arrival they broke up just minutes earlier. Everyone is furious when they find out that The Drake left Allison “The Drakette” all of the engagement gifts including the TV. They talk Elaine into calling her to see if they can give it back only to find that she had donated it to charity. Frank is given an award from the United Volunteers for all of his charity work with the handicapped, but just after a volunteer lady (Nancy Lenehan) presents him the award, Frank is arrested by a police officer (Marvin Braverman). George can’t afford to pay him back, so he agrees to become his butler. Lola breaks it off with Kramer because she sees him as a hipster doofus. Later she wrecks the wheelchair on a hill when the brakes give out. Frank gets the call from the United Volunteers, and assigns George to pick up the donated big screen TV from The Drakette and deliver it to Lola. He and Kramer claim the TV and then head to the mall to get their money back, with Kramer suggesting that George park in front of a fire hydrant. Closing monologue: the handicap spot is the mirage of the parking desert, and how do those spots work at the Special Olympics. David Blackwood is the security guard, Eric Fleeks is the car smasher. NOTE: When Jerry Stiller later took over the role of Frank Costanza, the scenes with Frank were re-shot with Stiller in the role, and this was the version subsequently shown in syndication. 10/23/20 
• 063 & 064. The Pilot – 5/20/1993
  • Opening monologue: Fear of success and public speaking. NBC is casting for the pilot of Jerry, and Kramer is begging Jerry to play himself, while George is concerned that God would never let him be successful. He tells his fears to his psychiatrist Dana Foley, and she points out that he has a white discoloration on his lip, which when confirmed by the NBC execs and a cab driver (Erick Avari), drives George to see a doctor (Bruce Jarchow) for a biopsy. Meanwhile Russell becomes obsessed with Elaine two months after their date, but she says that as a TV executive, he is part of the problem, and suggest that he do something worthy like Greenpeace. He fails to show up for the casting, so it is handled by George, Jerry, Stu, Jay, and Rita. Jerry and George are generally at odds about the audition, while George prefers a guy name Mark Matts (Roger Rose), Jerry and the other choose a much more neurotic, blading loser named Michael Barth (Jeremy Piven). Several actors tryout for Kramer, but one named Tom Pepper (Larry Hankin) is almost perfect and gets hired… but George can’t get past the fact that Pepper seems to have stolen a box of raisins from the desk in the office. Kramer also tries out, but has to rush out of the interview when he has to find a restroom. He runs all over the city to find one, and then misses his chance, causing days of constipation. Jerry does a reading with one beautiful potential actress named Melissa Shannon (Mariska Hargitay), but George disqualifies her for making fun of bald people who wear sweatpants. They go with an actress named Sandi Robbins (Elena Wohl), who wants to experience everything Elaine did, including dating Jerry. She will only be addressed as Elaine, and then freaks out when she thinks Jerry breaks up with her. Pepper has bad experiences with Kramer, who wants to relate every nuance of his life to him, and George, who accuses him of taking the raisins, causing him to repeatedly threaten physical violence to George. Elaine notices that all of the waitresses in Monk’s are large breasted so she tries to get hired to see if she is discriminated against. When she gets turned down by the new manager (Al Ruscio), she goes to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and lodges a complaint with guys named Fred (Richard Gant) and Paul (Bob Shaw). They go to the restaurant to eat all day long, and bring others from the commission. Russell starts to really lose it during the show rehearsal and fires a worker named David Richardson (Stephen Burrows) for no reason. When Elaine confronts them and then the manager, he tells them that they all look alike because they’re his daughters. Elaine attends the pilot taping in disguise so that Russell doesn’t see her, but an old friend named Wilton Marshall (Jeff Oetjen) immediately recognizes her. Crazy Joe Davola attends the taping and jumps onto the stage yelling ‘Sic Semper Tyrannis’. Tom Pepper eats the raisins before the show. George finds out that his test was negative. Kramer buys an enema and solves his problem. Jerry finds his father’s wallet in his couch. On the night that the pilot airs, various people from the gang’s lives watch the show on TV, including George’s two exes, now lovers themselves, Susan and Allison, Sid Fields and his housekeeper, Marla and JFK Jr. (voice of Larry David), the Drake and the Drakette, Ping and Cheryl, the Bubble Boy and his parents, Jerry’s parents, Calvin Klein and Tia, and Sal Bass and Sidra. Newman sleeps to a baseball game. The plot revolves around a judge who sentences a man to be Jerry’s butler (Brian Bradley) when he causes a car accident without insurance. As soon as the show ends, Rita calls Jerry and tells him that Russell has turned up missing, and she is now the president. She passes on the show. Russell has joined Greenpeace and while out stopping whale boats with two comrades (Larry David, Larry Charles), he falls overboard and is never to be seen again. Laura Waterbury is casting director. Pat Hazell (himself) is the pilot warm-up comedian. Samantha Dorman is the waitress. Deborah Swisher is the Assistant Director. Tom Cherones is the director. Shirley Beck is the makeup artist. Writer Peter Mehlman appears in the restaurant. Director Gavin Polone is the wise-cracking audience member. Closing monologue on “Jerry”: naming your child Jeeves. Closing monologue: the things men build to impress women. NOTE: This one-hour episode aired as two parts in syndication. 2/10/21

SEASON 5

• 065. The Mango – 9/16/1993
  • Opening monologue: the effort that has gone into developing the seedless watermelon. George is dating a new girl named Karen (Lisa Edelstein), but he’s unsure if he is pleasing her in bed. Elaine mentions that she in fact has often faked orgasms, and Jerry is stunned to find out that she faked them all with him. He becomes obsessed with that fact and sours on their friendship, ultimately asking her if she will give him another chance. When she declines, it nearly ends their friendship. George is trying to find out from Karen how he is doing in bed, but his contrasting her risotto dinner to sex falls flat. Later they attempt to sleep together, but George is unable to function. Meanwhile, Kramer finds a bad peach in the bunch that he bought from Joe (Leonard Termo), and attempts to return it, but winds up getting on Joe’s bad side and getting himself banned from the fruit market. He then has Jerry buy his fruit, but when Joe realizes that the fruit is going to Kramer, he bans Jerry as well. They both then rely on George to buy the fruit for both of them. They come across a particularly good mango, which somehow gives George the boost he needed to perform in bed. However, as Karen is reveling in the afterglow, George accuses her of faking and gets himself thrown out. With Jerry and Elaine returning items left in one another’s apartment, it appears their friendship is over… so Elaine gives him thirty minutes to try and bring her to orgasm. Jerry then is unable to function, but has a sudden thought before giving up: the mango. Closing monologue: the hazy mystery of a woman’s orgasm.  Veralyn Jones is Elaine’s co-worker Renee. 6/7/21
• 066. The Puffy Shirt – 9/23/1993
  • Opening monologue: moving in with your parents. George has finally reached rock bottom in the job hunt, so he is forced to move back in with his parents. He and Jerry argue about which of their sets of parents is crazier. George mentions that his mother has never once laughed… and even Jerry is unable to change it. While they are out eating and nagging George about taking a civil service test, George wanders off and bumps into a modeling agent named Elsa Carlisle (Deborah May), who thinks that George has terrific hands suitable for modeling, and gives him her card. Meanwhile, Jerry and Elaine have dinner with Kramer and his girlfriend Leslie (Wendel Meldrum). Despite the fact that she is a ‘low talker’ that no one can hear, they discuss via Kramer the fact that she’s a designer and has recently created a puffy pirate shirt that is sure to take off. Elaine tells Leslie that Jerry is doing an interview on The Today Show to promote a benefit for Goodwill Industries for which Elaine volunteers. Eventually Jerry and Elaine just start nodding along since they can’t understand a word she is saying. Later Jerry is told by Kramer that he had agreed to wear the puffy shirt on The Today Show while he was nodding. George meets with a client (David Brisbin), who takes photos of his hands modeling a watch, then presents him with a big check, and as a bonus, he gets asked out by the beautiful assistant (Kim Gillingham). They all warn him to control his urges, as his hand model predecessor Ray McKigney became in love and obsessed with his own hands, so much that he overused them until they became crippled. George tells them not to worry since he once won a contest to refrain from such activity. While on the air, Bryant Gumbel (himself) pokes fun at Jerry’s shirt, until he acknowledges that he knows it looks ridiculous. This causes Leslie to scream that he is a bastard, the first word he understood from her. When George comes to the studio glowing from his good fortune, he starts to make fun of the shirt too, prompting Leslie to push him into a hot iron leading to burnt, bandaged hands. Elaine loses her position on the Goodwill board, and Jerry is heckled mercilessly during the benefit. The puffy shirts are donated to Goodwill, and they actually spot a homeless guy (Ron Ross) wearing one. Closing monologue: why do we say excuse ‘me’ when it is someone else’s fault. Michael Mitz is the photographer. Terrence Riggins is the hand photographer. NOTE: This is the first episode to feature Jerry Stiller taking over the role of George’s father from John Randolph. Scenes from episode The Handicap Spot from Season 4 were subsequently re-filmed to replace Randolph with Stiller. 6/7/21
• 067. The Glasses – 9/30/1993
  • Opening monologue: ‘Night guy’ is always screwing over ‘morning guy.’ At the request of Jerry’s new girlfriend Amy (Anna Gunn), Jerry has purchased a new air conditioner which one of Kramer’s friends has given him a 30% discount on. George claims that his glasses have been stolen at the gym, so he goes to J&T Optical, where Kramer says his friend Dwayne (Timothy Stack) will give him a 30% discount. Not only does Dwayne not give him the discount, but he allows George to buy woman’s glasses. Elaine is bitten by a guy’s (Tom Towles) dog in the store, so Jerry takes her to the emergency room. The doctor (Michael Saad) merely gives Elaine a bandage, and no shot. George goes after the guy, and comes back and reports that he saw Amy making out with Jerry’s cousin Jeffrey. George and Jerry both agree that George can see without glasses if he is squinted. Jerry starts giving Amy the third degree about seeing Jeffrey, but she has no idea what he’s talking about. Jerry starts to think that George is mistaken, but then he sees George spot a dime across the room. But then he also sees him eating an onion that he thought was an apple. George tells Kramer he received no discount, so Kramer confronts Wayne, whom Kramer helped get over his sugar addiction, and he gives George the discount after all. Once the glasses come in, everyone but George realizes they ladies’ glasses. When George helps assist an old, blind man (Rance Howard) at the gym, George offers to trade glasses frames with him. Since his current ones are pinching the guy’s nose, he is happy to trade. When they go to see Wayne and switch their frames, George sees the dog owner, and gives him Jerry’s address. Kramer installs the new air conditioner, and while Elaine is freaking out about getting rabies, the air conditioner falls out the window and lands on the dog that bit Elaine. She ends up getting the rabies shot. Jerry gets tickets to the Paul Simon concert that he has to pick up from Jeffrey, which he hopes will reveal the truth when she sees Jeffrey. He isn’t home, but a comment from Uncle Leo makes Jerry believe that the stories are true. However, after he yells at Amy, he tries to recover again when Uncle Leo’s statement was actually about something else. George sees Amy and Jeffrey again but when he puts on his new glasses, he realizes it was a female police officer kissing her horse. Jerry laments having to pay the dog’s vet bill, while George expresses his anger at the guy who stole his glasses… while they are actually sitting on top of one of the lockers in the gym locker room. Closing monologue: Glasses turned into a mall impulse item. 10/4/21
• 068. The Sniffing Accountant – 10/7/1993
  • Opening monologue: the government is like your pseudo-parents, and punishments are like what you see on Leave it to Beaver. While chatting about her new boyfriend Jake Jarmel (Marty Rackham), an author she is working with who met her by touching the material on her jacket, Elaine, Jerry, and George run into Jerry’s accountant Barry Prophet (John Kapelos), and become suspicious when he can’t stop sniffing. Meanwhile, Frank gets George an interview with bra salesman Sid Farkus (Patrick Cronin). George says all of the right things and is hired on the spot, but when George tries the material-feel move on Farkus’s boss Ellen DeGronmont (Christa Miller), George is fired on the spot, much to the irritation of his parents. Jerry is wearing a mohair sweater he found in his closet, and he gives it to Kramer when it gets to uncomfortable. Since Kramer and Newman also have invested in a CD with Jerry, they all steak out Barry at work and when he leaves and goes to a bar, Kramer follows him in and acts like a drug dealer, then takes a photo of Barry in the bathroom stall. All of this is inconclusive, but when Jerry finds out that Barry has gone to South America, he pens a letter to sever ties with him. Kramer and Newman throw the photo into the envelope, and Newman goes to mail it. When he tries the material-feel move on a lady (Patrika Darbo) at the mailbox, she chases him off and causes him to drop the letter. Back at home, Ralph (Ralph Harris), the pizza delivery boy starts sniffing at Jerry’s apartment, and recognizes the source as the mohair sweater that Kramer is wearing… and which he and Jerry were each wearing the last time they were around Barry. Elaine gets into a quick fight with Jake when he takes a phone message that Elaine’s friend Myra had her baby, but fails to add an exclamation point to the note. Elaine gets even, by adding exclamation marks all over Jake’s book… but she has to take them all out when Mr. Lippman reads it. Jerry later finds out that Barry had filed for bankruptcy, and Jerry loses his money as a result. He blames Newman since he failed to mail the letter. When Jerry goes over to confront him, a lady (Maria Stanton) approaches him and feels his material. Closing monologue: accountants and drugs wouldn’t seem to mix, but actually it makes perfect sense. Deck McKenzie is Mitch the bartender. 10/4/21
• 069. The Bris – 10/14/1993
  • Opening monologue: going to the hospital and being told to lay down. The gang visits the hospital to see Steven, the new baby boy of their friends Stan (Tom Alan Robbins) and Myra (Jeannie Elias), and Jerry and Elaine are asked to become the baby’s godparents. George is too busy admiring the parking space he got in front of the hospital to pay attention to the baby. Kramer has gone to the wrong room and encounters what he believes to be a mutant ‘pig man’ that he thinks is the result of the hospital doing DNA research. Kramer also gives directions to the elevator to a patient (Frank Noon) who winds up committing suicide by jumping off the building and landing on George’s car. Jerry enjoys doing impressions of the Godfather, but is stressed about having to hold the baby during the circumcision bris ceremony. Elaine is stressed about finding the Mohel (Charles Levin), and when she does, he winds up being an anxious and nervous complainer. Kramer thinks that a circumcision is dangerous and advises everyone not to go through with it. Since George’s car is totaled, he tries to get the hospital administrator Mrs. Sweedler (Debra Mooney) to pay for it, but she throws him out of the office. At the bris, the Mohel gets stressed out by the baby crying, the bad neighborhood where they are holding the ceremony, the edge of the table where Elaine puts her drink, and the fact that Jerry flinches during the procedure. Jerry winds up getting his finger cut during the procedure and everyone rushes him to the hospital, where the baby has gone to make sure the procedure was completed successfully. Kramer continues his pursuit of finding the pig man. George finds another great parking space, but when Kramer finds the pig man and carries him outside, he steals George’s car. He later learns he’s not a pig man, but a tiny fat mental patient. Stan and Myra decide to make Kramer the baby’s godfather since he was the only one who seemed to care about Steve’s well being. Closing monologue: people who are willing to any job, or others who would rather starve than doing disgusting jobs. Tia Riebling is the cardiologist who George hits on. John Gegenhuber is the resident doctor who Kramer asks about the pig man. 3/31/22
• 070. The Lip Reader – 10/28/1993
  • Opening monologue: the shushing and strange scoring of tennis. Jerry and George attend a tennis match, where Jerry can’t keep his eyes off the beautiful lineswoman Laura (Marlee Matlin). He tries to talk to her, but she appears to ignore him, but then reveals that she is deaf. George goes to the concession stand for sunblock and winds up eating a banana split, which is televised. Since he made a spectacle of himself while eating and getting ice cream all over his face, his girlfriend Gwen (Linda Kash) breaks it off with him. He wants to find out exactly why, and when Jerry gets a date with Laura to go the party of their friend Todd (Jerry Sroka), George suggests that maybe Laura can lip-read what Gwen says to Todd and they can figure out why she broke it off. Although George and Jerry try to discuss this privately by covering their mouths when talking, Laura still knows what they’re going to request of her. Meanwhile, Elaine’s co-worker Renee suggests she take the car service to get home from work, but Elaine is reluctant because the driver always tries to talk to her. This time she tells the driver (Christopher Darga) that she is deaf, but then gets ‘caught hearing’ that his next pickup is Tom Hanks. She feels bad and buys him tickets to the Metallica concert… which nearly deafens him. Kramer wants to pursue becoming a ball boy at the tennis match, and goes through a grueling tryout. He beats out a much younger teenager (Bret Anthony) using his incredible agility. However, when it comes time for the championship, Kramer immediately knocks over player Monica Seles and injures her during her comeback match. George becomes concerned when Laura mistakes Jerry saying ‘six’ for him saying ‘sex’, causing a fight between them. They get it straightened out, but George is worried she may not be so good at reading lips. On the way to the party, everyone uses Elaine’s car service, but when the driver sees Elaine, he throws them all out and they are late. Once they get to the party, Laura mistakes the phrase ‘sweeping together’ for ‘sleeping together’ and George falsely accuses Gwen of sleeping with Todd. Laura also takes the car service, and tells the driver she is deaf… and he naturally questions this. Closing monologue: the hand gesture for asking for the check in a restaurant. Dylan Haggerty is the man conducting the ballboy auditions. 3/31/22
• 071. The Non-Fat Yogurt – 11/4/1993
  • Opening monologue: born with glasses. Jerry and the gang have been enjoying a new frozen yogurt store run by his friends Joel (Jed Mills) and Maryedith, which serves only delicious non-fat yogurt. Jerry makes the mistake of dropping the f-bomb in front of their son Matthew, causing him to take up cussing himself in order to emulate Jerry. When Maryedith confronts Jerry about it, he says he will have a talk with Matthew. Meanwhile, Kramer notices that Jerry and Elaine are putting on weight, so they start to suspect that the yogurt does in fact contain fat. George runs into an old high school friend named Lloyd Braun (Peter Keleghan), who works as an advisor to the Mayor of New York City, David Dinkins. When Lloyd starts talking about attractive women, George gives Jerry an elbow nudge, but the nudge is spotted by Lloyd. To cover for this, George tells Lloyd that he hit his arm on a desk and that it now involuntarily spasms. Jerry and Elaine find a lab that will test the yogurt to see if it has fat, but Kramer isn’t too keen on the idea since he has invested in the yogurt shop. Jerry has Matthew over to convince him not to use foul language, but when Matthew unspools a tape of Jerry ad-libbing at a recent stand-up show, Jerry has more choice curse words for him than ever. Lloyd stops over at George’s parents house to ask George for Elaine’s phone number, and he also gives George a recommendation for a doctor for his arm, which he claims came directly from Mayor Dinkins. Jerry and Elaine get a sample of the yogurt and rush it to a lab to turn over to a technician (Darrell Kunitomi). While there, Kramer flirts with another technician Cheryl (Lisa Houle). They wind up going on a date and sneaking back into the lab, and while kissing, they accidentally knock a vial of someone’s blood into Mayoral candidate Rudy Giuliani’s blood for his physical. Elaine goes on a date with Lloyd and covers for George’s arm story, much to her irritation, and also suggests that Mayor Dinkins campaign on requiring name tags in the city, an idea that Lloyd says she’ll present to him. Jerry gets the lab results back and finds out that there is fat in the yogurt. George sees Dinkins’ doctor (Hugh A. Rose), who not only tells George that there’s nothing wrong with his arm, but accuses him of lying and wasting everyone’s time. As George is leaving his office, he bumps his arm on his desk, causing real uncontrollable spasms to arise later. Because of the tainted blood, Giuliani’s physical shows extremely high cholesterol, prompting him to launch an investigations into the yogurt vendors in NYC. Thus, the yogurt stand is forced to serve truly non-fat yogurt that no one likes, prompting a few choice curse words from Matthew toward Jerry. Newman is also furious, as he’d prefer not to know that the yogurt had fat. Giuliani’s yogurt platform, combined with Dinkins’ bad idea about the nametags, causes Rudy Giuliani (himself) to win the election. Closing monologue: the fun of cursing, and the agony of using pseudo-curse words. John Gabriel is the newscaster. NOTE: Two versions of this episode were filmed, so that if Dinkins had won the election just two days before it aired, Lloyd would have been working for Giuliani instead of Dinkins, and instead of news footage with Giuliani, the audience would have seen Phil Harris playing a spokesman for Dinkins. 7/31/22
• 072. The Barber – 11/11/1993
  • Opening monologue: barbers’ chairs and licenses. George has a job interview at Sanalac with Mr. Tuttle (Jack Shearer), who seems very impressed with him, especially because George seems razor sharp and able to catch onto everything. However, when he tells George he’d like to hire him, but then adds the words “of course…”, but get interrupted before he is finished, George had no idea what he was trying to tell him. George mulls it over and decides to simply show up for work and see what happens. Meanwhile, Kramer shows up at the diner with a new haircut that he has gotten at Three Brothers Barber Shop from Gino (David Ciminello), the nephew of Jerry’s usual barber Enzo Manganero (Antony Ponzini). Jerry hasn’t been happy with his haircuts lately, but doesn’t want to hurt Enzo’s feelings. Elaine has chosen Jerry for a charity bachelor auction and wants his hair to look better, so she too encourages him to get a Gino haircut. Kramer tells him Enzo’s day off, so that he can slip in and get a cut from Gino, but on the day that Jerry shows up, Enzo has stopped by the store and insists on giving Jerry his haircut. By the time he is done, he has chopped off a good deal of Jerry’s hair and given him a cut that he hates. No one can help but laugh at his new haircut, and Kramer tells Gino that he needs to help Jerry get it fixed, so they arrange a time to meet at Gino’s apartment. George shows up at work the next week, but Mr. Tuttle is on vacation, so he relies on the receptionist Clarisse (Peggy Maltby aka Peggy Etra), and another worker Mike (Kenny Myles) to get him set up with his office and the Pensky file that he is supposed to start working on. For the duration of the work, he does absolutely nothing other than transfer the file from one folder to another. Mr. Pensky (Michael Fairman) himself stops by to check up on his file, and thinks George has been working hard on it. He tells him that George is Pensky material, but then adds an ambiguous “you are aware…” before being told his car is being towed. Just as Gino is about to try and fix Jerry’s hair, Enzo stops by to tell Gino that he had misjudged his opinion of Edward Scissorhands, and he finds a lock of Jerry’s hair on the floor. He thinks that it looks familiar, so he bribes Newman with a year’s worth of haircuts to snip a piece of Jerry’s hair for him. While Jerry is watching Edward Scissorhands, Newman comes over to try and find some of Jerry’s hair, until he has no option left but to snip a piece while they are watching the movie. Kramer steps in for Jerry in the bachelor auction, and winds up falling off the runway into some tables. Enzo compares the hair and heads over to Jerry’s, where he barges in on Jerry and Gino with hate and fury in his eyes. Fortunately, Edward Scissorhands calms his down and he and Gino watch it together. Mr. Tuttle returns from vacation and finds George sleeping at his desk, then looks through the Pensky file and sees that George has done nothing. George cockily announces that Pensky is interested in his services, and he marches out of the office… only to find out from Pensky that their Board of Directors is under indictment, so they have nothing for George at the time. Before he leaves, George’s car is towed. Jerry takes revenge on Newman by shaving his head. David Richardson is Gino’s satisfied customer. 7/31/22
• 073. The Masseuse – 11/18/1993
  • Opening monologue: neighbors are generally safe from serial killers. As Jerry brags about how long it has been since he vomited, while Elaine worries about her new boyfriend’s name Joel Rifkin (Anthony Cistaro), one he shares with a notorious serial killer. After her co-workers Michael (Hiram Kasten) and Lisa (Lisa Pescia) tease her about it, Jerry suggests that Elaine ask him to change it. Next time she is around him, she asks him if he will change his name to Deon or O.J. Meanwhile, George begins dating Karen again, and he requests that Jerry and his new girlfriend Jodi (Jennifer Coolidge) the masseuse, so he can showcase his non-date personality. Karen finds him witty and appealing, while Jodi can’t stand his personality. Jerry is more interested in complaining about his shoulders so that he can get Jodi to give him a massage. Back at Jerry’s place that night, nothing Jerry does can get her to massage him, although she has no problem having sex with him. George talks to Karen about how upset he is that Jodi doesn’t like him, and she eventually gets incredibly irritated that he can’t stop talking about her and throws George out of her apartment. George still can’t make any headway with getting her to like him, even when he carries her massage table from Jerry’s apartment to the taxi. Jerry also becomes frustrated when Kramer gets a massage from her when he can’t get one. Kramer invites Elaine and Joel to join him at a Giants game, but when Kramer forgets his ID, the ticket agent (John Bishop) won’t release the tickets without confirmation from Joel. When Joel is paged using his full name, everyone in the stadium begins staring at him, causing him to finally decide to change his name. He and Elaine make lists of suggestions, but they keep vetoing each other’s selections until they run out of names. Jerry has Jodi over again, hellbent on getting the massage, but she won’t don’t it even when he tries to physically force her. George shows up at the apartment and admits that he knows Jodi hates him so much that he is now attracted to her. She hastily exits the apartment, and George decides to go after her. Jerry warns him not to push for the massage. Closing monologue: the Swedish have meatballs and massages, but one of the highest suicide rates. 11/11/22
• 074. The Cigar Store Indian – 12/9/1993
  • Opening monologue: fathers freeze their clothing style during their favorite year. Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer meet George at his parents’ house before they go bowling. Elaine tries to rush them because she is hosting poker night at her house for her friends Joanne (Lisa Pescia), Renee (Veralynn Jones), and Wynona (Kimberly Norris aka Kimberly Guerrero). However, when Jerry stains the house coffee table, Jerry decides to go with George to get the table refinished, meaning he won’t be able to drop off Elaine at her house afterward. He suggests taking the subway with Kramer, and she takes along Frank’s TV Guide with Al Roker on the cover to read on the ride. Kramer tries to talk Elaine into pitching his idea to Pendant for him to write a coffee table book about coffee tables. When they reach the Queensborough stop, Kramer jumps off the subway to pick up a gyro, but doesn’t make it back onto the subway, although his arm makes it through the doorway with just enough time for someone to steal the gyro. A weirdo named Ricky (Sam Lloyd) gets on the subway and sits near Elaine. He flirts with her when he sees she must be a big television fan. She leaves the TV Guide behind, and Ricky takes it, makes a paper bouquet out of it, and then takes it to the address on the cover of it. George and Jerry take the coffee table to Revelations Antiques to get it repaired, where George flirts with the proprietor Geppetto’s (Ralph Manza) daughter Sylvia (Carissa Channing). Jerry decides to buy a cigar store Indian and then present it to Elaine as a ‘smoke ’em peace pipe’ offering for not taking her home after bowling, which he also hopes will impress Wynona on whom he has a crush. However, when he brings it to Elaine’s place and presents it, Wynona rushes out. Elaine thinks Jerry is out of mind for bringing it over since she is a Native American. When he finds out, he goes over to her place to apologize it and invites her out to eat. When he asks a Chinese mailman (Benjamin Lum) if he knows where a Chinese restaurant is located, the mailman accuses him or racism, even though he only asks since he was the mailman. George brings Sylvia back to his parents’ house, gives her prune juice, and then sleeps with her on his parents’ bed. George’s parents return from their trip, and Frank immediately notices the missing TV Guide and becomes furious with Elaine. Estelle finds George’s condom wrapper on their bed. Frank is so disgusted by this, that he tells George that he is grounded. Jerry gets yet another chance with Wynona, and even gets her to let him have the Al Roker TV Guide for Elaine to return to Frank. He goes out of his way to avoid words like ‘reservations’ and ‘scalper’. Jerry gives Elaine the TV Guide, and Elaine tells Kramer that she’s not going to pitch his coffee table book idea. As Elaine heads to Frank’s place, Ricky shows up with the strange bouquet at Frank’s house, making Frank all the angrier. Elaine stops for a gyro at Queensborough and manages to get a gyro, which she spills all over the TV Guide. Wynona asks Jerry for the TV Guide back because she needs to do an article about minorities in the news, and Jerry nearly calls her an ‘Indian giver’ which causes her to walk out on him once and for all. By the time Elaine arrives at Frank’s place, Frank has hit it off with Ricky and is showing him his entire collection of TV Guide issues. When Frank sees the soiled TV Guide, he yells at Elaine. Ricky tries to stand up for Elaine and knocks over and breaks the coffee table. Elaine has given Kramer the cigar store Indian, and he attempts to sell it to another antiques dealer Spike (Irvin Mosley, Jr.). Mr. Lippman happens to be in there to redecorate his office and offers Kramer $500 for it. Kramer accepts and helps Lippman take it back to his office, where they run into Elaine. Kramer tells Lippman about his coffee table book, an idea that Lippman loves and tells Elaine is the type of idea she should be bringing in. Estelle takes the coffee table into the antique store to get it repaired and meets Sylvia. She recognizes George’s coffee table, and Estelle tells her that George lives at home and is a bum. Elaine and Jerry head home, and Jerry jumps off at Queensborough to grab a gyro. He doesn’t make it in time, but gets his arm in the door, leaving the gyro open for the taking by… Al Roker (himself), who then sits by Elaine and starts flirting. Closing monologue: waiting for the fresh, new TV Guide to come out as a kid, which gets more stale as the week goes on and the magazine starts to get tossed to each other. Larry David is the voice of the subway conductor. 11/11/22
• 075. The Conversion – 12/16/1993
  • Opening monologue: why doctors display their diplomas and have their patients remove their pants. George is dating a girl named Tawni (Kimberly Campbell), for whom he doesn’t mind springing for the lobster when they are out to eat. However, before she orders it, she tells George that they need to break up because her parents don’t like her being with someone who isn’t Latvian Orthodox. Because he likes her so much, he decides to simply convert to the religion, so he goes and sees one of the Latvian priests (Kay E. Cuter) and his younger assistant (Bill Rose) espousing that he wants to convert, mostly because he likes the hats. Meanwhile, Jerry is dating a girl named Sasha (Jana Marie Hupp) who is sub-letting his neighbor Carol’s apartment for a month. One evening after a make-out session, Jerry uses her restroom and finds a Fungicide in her medicine cabinet. This freaks him out, but then he wonders if it is even hers. He returns to check the name on it, but when she nearly catches him, he is forced to shove it into his pocket. He give it to Elaine and asks her to take it to her new boyfriend (Tom Verica) who is a podiatrist. Before he can give her any info, they get into an argument because Elaine implies that podiatrists aren’t real doctors. While George is visiting with the priests, Kramer meets a novice nun named Sister Roberta (Molly Hagen), who takes a liking to him and starts giving him toys. The priests become worried when she starts to fall for Kramer, and they tell him that he has the ‘kavorka’ – the lure of an animal. They have him wear garlic mixed with other offensive odors around his neck. He tests it out a woman (Karen Rizzo) hailing a cab, and when she tells him to get lost, he is pleased that it seems to be working. Elaine and the podiatrist make up, but while they are making out, Jerry calls to give her the news that he found out that Sasha’s Fungicide is for her cat Bonkers. While she is on the phone, he finds the Fungicide and hastily exits her place. George studies for his conversion test and writes the answers on his hands. His parents find out from Mrs. Lupchek (Darlene Kardon) and freak out that he is joining some bizarre religion. During his conversion, Kramer rushes in to see Sister Roeberta, who although she has just renounced the church during George’s conversion, now has lost her attraction and simply tells Kramer that he needs to take a bath due to his odor. George gives the news to Tawni, and although she thinks it is nice, she tells him that she’s really not ready for a commitment and plans on visiting Latvia for the next year. Closing monologue: the medicine is an ointment museum. Randy Brenner is George’s waiter. 5/10/23
• 076. The Stall – 1/6/1994
  • Opening monologue: are whales really that intelligent since they keep swimming onto the beach? While out at the movies, Elaine uses the restroom and doesn’t have any toilet paper in her stall. She asks the woman next to her to borrow some, she tells Elaine that she can’t spare a square. Later, both ladies return to their seats, where Elaine tells her new boyfriend, the pretty boy Tony (Dan Cortese) what has happened. Likewise, the woman, who is actually Jerry’s girlfriend Jane (Jami Gertz) what happened. Jerry takes her side, not realizing that the other woman was Elaine. Jerry and Elaine both look for each other at the movie but never cross paths. Later, Elaine tells Jerry the story of the woman toilet paper hoarder and he suddenly realizes it was Jane. Meanwhile, Kramer finds phone sex calls funny, and gets a kick out of a woman with a throaty voice named Erika. When Elaine goes on another date with Tony, Jerry points out how superficial she is for going out with him since he is a ‘mimbo’ with on redeeming qualities except for his pretty face. George, however, has a non-sexual crush on Tony and wants to hang out with him contantly. George offers for them to go bowling, but Tony counters with rock climbing instead. George reluctantly agrees and promises to bring along sandwiches. Unfortunately, Kramer also horns in on the trip much to George’s irritation. Between the two of them, they manage to cause Tony to fall off the mountain and land on some rocks, somewhat mangling his face. Jane and Elaine finally meet face to face, so Jerry stuffs her mouth full of gum so that Elaine won’t recognize her voice. Kramer and George deliver the news about Tony, and while Jerry is relieved that they won’t have to get together for a double date. Elaine is more concerned that Tony’s face might have marks on it. George pleads with Tony to forgive him and brings him comic books, but Tony tells George to ‘step off’. When Kramer meets Jane, he recognizes her voice as Erika, but Jerry won’t believe him. Kramer sets it up with Erika to meet him at Monk’s, and when Jane shows up, Jerry finally believes Kramer that she is sex worker. After Jerry lays into her, Jane tells him that she sells paper goods and breaks it off with him. Elaine recognizes her voice so she rushes into the bathroom ahead of her and steals all of the toilet paper. When Jane asks her to borrow some, Elaine takes pleasure that she can’t ‘spare a square’. When Jane leaves Monk’s, she tells Jerry never to call her again, and then in her throaty voice, tells Kramer the same thing… much to both of their surprise. Closing monolgue: if bungee jumping is a sport, so is being a crash test dummy… and why do they bother with the helmets? 5/11/23
• 077. The Dinner Party – 2/3/1994
  • Opening monologue: Everything is compared to putting a man on the moon. On a blisteringly cold night, the gang gets ready to head to the dinner party of their friend Linda van Grak. George shows up in a giant Gore-tex coat and then balks at having to bring along a bottle of wine to the party. Kramer drives them all, but the heat isn’t working. Elaine also wants to bring something from the bakery, so Kramer drops her and Jerry at the Royal Bakery. They forget to take a number, so they ask a couple named David (Mark Holton) and Barbara Benedict (Suzy Soro) for their number since they came in after Jerry and Elaine. The couple refuse, even after realizing that they all know each other and are heading to the same dinner party, and then wind up getting the last Chocolate Babka. Kramer and George head to the liquor store to get the wine, but the clerk (Frank Novak) can’t break George’s $100 bill. They have to leave and visit a newsstand, where the guy (Frank Pinkard) makes them spend even more money buying things, including a Penthouse Forum magazine, to break the bill. Jerry and Elaine are introduced by the counterwoman (Kathryn Kates) to the Cinnamon Babka, but they find a hair on it. Jerry buys a black and white cookie, which he equates to the harmony of the world. They try to return the babka but are forced to take another number. While they are waiting for George to pick them up, Elaine has her toe smashed by a man with a cane (Roger Eschbacher) and Jerry becomes ill enough to vomit from the cookie. Once George and Kramer get the wine, they find that someone double-parked and blocked them in. They try to go back in the liquor store, but the clerk kicks them out. George breaks multiple bottles of wine with his giant coat, and has to pay for it by trading his coat. Kramer and George are both freezing outside, when they see a man resembling Saddam Hussein (Amjad J. Qaisen, voice of Larry David), but with a British accent, get into the double-parked car. George is scared to death of what Elaine’s reaction will be for taking so long, and she is tempted to attack him once he shows up. They arrive eventually arrive at the party, and simply drop off the wine and babka to Linda, and then head back home. Closing monologue: body warmth escapes through the head, and hats with flaps are ridiculous. S. Marc Jordan is the man in line in the bakery. Langdon Bensing is the man who George thinks owns the double-parked car. Sayed Badreya is the foreign man who goes berserk when the Gore-tex coat touches him. 9/17/23
• 078. The Marine Biologist – 2/10/1994
  • Opening monologue: You always root for the featured animal on the nature channel. Jerry shows off his favorite t-shirt “Golden Boy,” which is staring to fray around the collar. Elaine is excited to work with Russian writer Yuri Testikov (George Murdock). Jerry mentions that the original title of War and Peace was War: What Is It Good For? Kroger gives Elaine a pocket organizer, which he got when he opened up a new bank account. George tells Jerry that he watched a special on marine biologists on TV. Kramer offers to take Jerry and George to Rockaway Beach to hit his 600 Titleist golf balls into the ocean. Elaine finds that Jerry’s career is mentioned in their alumni magazine, but there is no mention of George. Jerry meets an old classmate from Queens College named Diane DeConn (Rosalind Allen) at an ATM. When she asks about George, Jerry doesn’t want to embarrass him, so he tells her that George is now a marine biologist specializing in whales. George is thrilled when Jerry tells him that Diane asked about him and that she may get in touch with him. Jerry then confesses that Diane is under the impression that George is a marine biologist, so George goes along with it. After Elaine and Mr. Lippman pick up Testikov from the airport, Elaine mentions the War and Peace fact that Jerry told her, which infuriates him. Then when her pocket organizer starts beeping, Testikov loses his cool and throws it out the window. It hits a woman named Corinne (Carol Kane) in the head and she has to get tested. When she finds Jerry’s name in it, she contacts him to see if he’ll help her track the owner down to get payment for the hospital. Jerry figures it must belong to Elaine since it came out of a limo. Jerry and Elaine meet Corinne at Testikov’s hotel with a tape recorder to get him to confess to throwing the organizer. When Testikov hears the tape recorder, he takes it from Elaine and throws it out the hotel window, hitting Corinne again. While Kramer is trying to get the san out of his shoes from the beach, he drops it out the window and hits Newman. Meanwhile, while George and Diane are walking on the beach, they encounter a crowd of people and a beached whale. One man (voice of Larry David) asks for a marine biologist, so George has no choice but to pretend to be one. George later his friends the story how he reached into the blowhole of the beached whale and found one of Kramer’s Titalist golf balls. Diane was thrilled with his action and kissed him, so George confesses that he was not a marine biologist, so she tells him to go to hell. Jerry announces the Golden Boy didn’t make it through the last wash, so he’s now wearing his son “Baby Blue.” David Blackwood is Crowell the hotel clerk. Heather Morgan is the woman on the beach. 9/15/23
• 079. The Pie = 2/17/1994
  • Opening monologue: Mannequins and crash test dummies. Jerry is vexed by the fact that his new girlfriend Audrey (Suzanne Snyder) will not try the apple pie at Monk’s but will not tell him why. Meanwhile, Kramer spots a mannequin at the Rinitzi department store that looks just like Elaine. She and George visit the store to check it out, but Elaine can’t get any answers from the saleslady (Christine Dunford) as to where it came from. George spots a suit he likes but it is too expensive. However, the saleslady tells him that it will go on sale Friday for half price. He then hides the suit on the rack and keeps checking on it throughout the week. At one point he sees another customer named Bob (Mark Beltzman) trying it on, so he tries to tell him not to buy it because the sales starts on Monday. The saleslady corrects him and tells Bob that the suit is going on sale on Friday. Jerry goes out to eat at Poppie’s restaurant with Audrey, where her father Poppie (Reni Santoni) is the owner and chef. He still can’t get an answer as to why she wouldn’t eat the pie, but when he sees Poppie use the restroom and not wash his hands, Jerry has a similar reaction as Audrey did while refusing to eat the pizza. Elaine continues to try and figure out who would have made the mannequin look like her, and after visiting the store once again, she winds up stealing it from the store. George shows up for the suit sale first thing on Friday and beats out Bob to the suit as he has hidden it in the wrong area of the store. However, after showing it off to Jerry and Elaine, he realizes that the suit is making an annoying swooshing sound. George worries about his interview with a boss named Mackenzie (Lane Davies) as George heard that he once fired a man for breathing through his nose. Mackenzie tells George that this rumor is untrue, and they have a laugh about George’s swooshing pants, and Mackenzie tells him that the man was really fired for not being a team player. However, when George realizes that the chef at the restaurant that they’re at is Bob from the suit store, he refuses to eat the pie that Bob has sent him. George isn’t hired because he is perceived as not being a team player. When Kramer tells Jerry that he saw Audrey eating apple pie at Monk’s, Jerry returns to confront her. In the midst of their argument, Poppie is escorted out of the restaurant by a health inspector (Paul Mantee). Kramer develops an itch he can’t scratch, but he resolves that by dating Monk cashier Olive (Sunday Theodore). Later, he loses the itch and his interest in Olive, so he tells her that he is dating someone else, then makes out with the Elaine mannequin to prove it. Jerry never resolves the riddle of the pie. Elaine hears that more Elaine mannequins are popping up in other stores, but still can’t figure out who is making them. Elsewhere, TV Guide collector Ricky tells his boss (Robert Kino) that he has named his new TR6 mannequin creation “Elaine.” Patricia Belcher and Pamela Mant are the ladies having lunch at Monk’s. Bernard Hocke is the guy in the diner. Eamonn Roche is the waiter. Tony Edwards is the businessman with Mackenzie. 1/15/24
• 080. The Stand-In – 2/24/1994
  • Opening monologue: The bus is the most hated vehicle on the road. George laments that he and his girlfriend Daphne Bower (Karla Tamburrelli) have nothing in common and have resorted to reading the newspaper during lunch. He and Jerry run into their friend Al Neche (W. Earl Brown) on a bus, and Al tells Jerry about their mutual friend Fulton (Michael Rivkin), who is in the hospital and desperately needs cheering up. Later, George decides to break it off with Daphne, but when he starts to tell her, Daphne tells him that she ran into Al Neche, who told her not to get involved with George because he will ultimately hurt her. George is furious at Al and decides not to break up with Daphne just to spite him. Jerry visits Fulton in the hospital and tries to cheer him up, even telling him the supposedly hilarious tale about their friend Pachyderm, who had to juggle two pieces of hot pizza. Unfortunately, Jerry bombs, so he turns Fulton over to their friend Phil Totola (Mark Tymchyshyn). Jerry later recommends Phil as someone good for Elaine to date. She goes out with him and manages to keep him laughing with the story about Pachyderm and the pizza, but when she goes to kiss him goodnight, she finds that he has pulled out his penis. Meanwhile, Kramer has gotten a job as a stand-in for an actor (Layne Beamer) on the TV soap opera All My Children through his little person friend Mickey Abbott (Danny Woodburn), where Mickey stands-in for the actor’s TV 8-year-old son Porter (Thomas Dekker). Mickey is worried that the kid is growing too fast and that he will lose his job. When trying to give him cigarettes doesn’t work, Kramer suggests that Mickey get lifts for his shoes, but Mickey is adamantly against it since it could cause him to be ostracizes among the little people community. Mickey nearly gets a date with another little person on the set named Tammy (Debbie Lee Carrington), but when a rival little person named Johnny Viggiano (Joe Gieb) find out about the lifts, he spreads the rumor around the other little stand-ins. Mickey loses his date and his friends, blames Kramer, and attacks him on the set. Jerry returns to Fulton with new material, and runs into Phil at the hospital, where he ironically complains about a woman breast feeding. This time Jerry has Fulton laughing his head off… until he suddenly comes completely silent. Daphne praises George for being so loyal to her, but tells him that she has met someone else. It turns out to be someone George knows: Jerry Persheck, otherwise known as Pachyderm. Jerome Betler is the TV director. 1/15/24

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