The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

Theme song: “You’re My Greatest Love,” composed by Jackie Gleason and performed by an orchestra led by Ray Bloch

NOTE: This series was based on sketches that originally appeared on “The Cavalcade of Stars” between 1951-1952, then on “The Jackie Gleason Show” between 1952-1955. Although those programs have never been released in their entirety, the existing sketches have been released as stand-alones and are listed below following the TV series entries.

• 001. TV or Not TV – 10/1/1955
  • Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason), a bus driver for the Gotham Bus Company in Brooklyn, New York, is too cheap to buy his wife Alice (Audrey Meadows) a new television, even after she attempts to sweet talk and pamper him, so he asks his friend and neighbor Ed Norton (Art Carney), a sanitation engineer working in the sewers, who is married to Trixie (Joyce Randolph), to split the cost and then share the TV. Through a shady coin flip, Ralph wins the right to have the TV in his house. Unfortunately, Ralph and Ed can’t agree on what they watch, with Ed monopolizing the TV to watch Captain Video and His Video Rangers. Ralph initially throws Ed out, but then they try to agree on a program to watch together. Ed tricks Ralph into leaving the apartment to get a better reception with the antenna, and then locks him out so he can resume watching Captain Video. Ed later sneaks into the apartment to watch TV after the Kramdens go to bed. Ralph is initially enraged, but then joins Ed for a late night movie – but both immediately fall asleep. Alice finally agrees that it was a bad idea to bring a TV into the house. George Petrie is the voice of Captain Video. 4/17/13
• 002. Funny Money – 10/8/1955
  • Counterfeiters are in the area and in a moment of panic, one of them leaves a suitcase full of counterfeit money on Ralph’s bus. Since they can’t claim the money for fear of being arrested, they wait until Ralph – as the driver who turned it in – gets the suitcase turned back over to him when no one claims it. Naturally when Ralph finds the money, he quits his job, and goes crazy with gift-giving and purchasing lavish new furnishings for the apartment. Even Alice’s mother sucks up to Ralph in an effort to get a Florida vacation paid for. Alice then finds out that one of the neighbors whom Ralph had given $100 has been arrested for passing counterfeit money. Thinking that the police would be after him, Ralph burns the money in the stove. The counterfeiters then show up and hold Ralph at gunpoint until the police arrive and arrest them. Ralph can’t understand why Alice is angry until she reminds him that he has quit his job, despite her warnings to hold onto the money until he figured out where it had come from. 4/17/13
• 003. The Golfer – 10/15/1955
  • Ralph starts a rumor that he is going to be appointed the new Assistant Traffic Manager, but when he is told by his co-worker Fred (George Petrie) that their boss Mr. Harper (John Griggs) doesn’t even know that Ralph exists, Ralph decides to make his presence known. He intercepts Mr. Harper on his way out and strikes up a conversation about golf. Norton boasts about how great of a golfer Ralph is, until Harper asks Ralph to golf with him. Not knowing a thing about golf, Ralph turns to Norton to assist him in learning – with disappointing results. Ralph then gets a reprieve when another managers stops by to tell him that Mr. Harper injured himself and thus cannot play. Ralph again opens his big mouth and says how disappointed he is – until the managers asks Ralph to step in for Harper and play that weekend. 6/17/13
• 004. A Woman’s Work Is Never Done – 10/22/1955
  • Alice has had enough of Ralph’s complaints that she doesn’t do anything around the apartment, so she decides to get a job and hire a maid to run the household. The Kramdens go to an employement agency and they are given a maid named Thelma (Betty Garde) who immediately gets on Ralph’s nerves by being demanding and presenting her list of duties that she refuses to perform. When Ed visits, Ralph tries to show off by pushing Thelma around, so she quits. Ralph then has to do the chores himself with disastrous results. Insult is added to injury when Thelma is then hired by the Nortons. 6/20/13
• 005. A Matter of Life and Death – 10/29/1955
  • Ralph intercepts a letter from the veterinarian of Alice’s mother detailing the dog’s deadly illness ‘Arterial Monochromia’, and thinking the letter pertains to him thinks he only has six months to live. Wanting to make sure he leaves Alice well off financially, he sells his story to the newspaper. When Alice reveals that the letter didn’t pertain to him, he is relieved…at first. He then has Ed pose as a doctor who can cure his disease to explain to the newspaper why he is no longer dying. The newspaper editor (George Petrie) smells a rat and accuses Ed of being a fraud. Ralph comes clean, and the newspaper tells Ralph they will not press charges for fraud if they can run the story as it turned out – without paying him the money of course. 6/20/13
• 006. The Sleepwalker – 11/5/1955
  • Ed Norton’s sleepwalking is wrecking havoc with Ralph’s sleep schedule, as every time he walks in his sleep, Trixie comes downstairs to enlist his help. Ralph decides that the answer is to spend the night with Norton so that he can stop him from walking. Norton still manages to get out, despite Ralph having the apartment key under his pillow. Ralph then brings in a psychiatrist (George Petrie) to hypnotize Ed and find the root cause of the problem. They determine that the issue is that Ed lost his dog Lulu when he was a child. Ralph then gets him a dog, which keeps him from sleepwalking…for a while. Ed saunters through the Kramden apartment again, sound asleep, this time carrying the new dog. 6/20/13
• 007. Better Living Through TV – 11/12/1955
  • Ralph has another get-rich scheme to sell a warehouse full of Handy Housewife Helper gadgets on television. He manages to enlist Norton’s help, but can’t get Alice to budge – but vows to come up with the money on his own. Somehow he does (which in never explained in the narrative) and Ralph and Ed rehearse their roles as the Chef of the Past and the Chef of the Future for the commercial. When it comes time to go live on the air, Ralph experiences stage fright and stumbles through the commercial and eventually hurts himself and knocks over the set (reportedly by real-life accident). 6/22/13
• 008. Pal ‘o Mine – 11/19/1955
  • Ed has purchased a ring and had it inscribed for his friend Jim McKeever to congratulate him on his promotion. Furthermore, he is throwing Jim a party and not inviting the Kramdens. When Ralph finds the ring, which Alice has agreed to wrap for Ed, he assumes it’s for him and puts it on his finger – where it gets stuck. When he finds out that the ring wasn’t for him and that they weren’t invited to the party, Ralph flies off the handle and swears off Norton. He excludes Ed from bowling night with his new friend Teddy Oberman (Ned Glass). Ed goes in to work that night and there is an explosion in the sewer. When Ralph finds out, he rushes to the hospital and offers to give a blood transfusion to Norton – who has already checked out of the hospital un-injured. 6/24/13
• 009. Brother Ralph – 11/26/1955
  • Based on a suggestion from Ralph, the Gotham Bus Company lays him off work. He is adamant that Alice not get a job to help supplement their income, insisting that he has pride. Alice ignores him and gets a job as a secretary, leaving Ralph at home to do the housework. The situation is brought to a boil when Alice’s boss Tony Amico (John Holland) picks up Alice for a night shift, and Alice tells Ralph that she had to say that Ralph was her brother. Ralph insists that they do their work at their apartment under his watchful eye. Tony is clearly attracted to Alice and Ralph does his best not to rage out of control. However when his co-worker Freddie (George Petrie) shows up to tell him that his layoff is over, Ralph immediately throws Tony out of the apartment. Alice is actually flattered that Ralph is still so jealous after 15 years of marriage. 1/3/14
• 010. Hello Mom – 12/3/1955
  • When a telegram arrives from Mother saying she’s coming to stay with the Kramdens, Ralph throws a fit  because he can’t stand Alice’s Mom. Refusing to say under the same roof with her, Ralph goes upstairs to stay with Norton. When Trixie overhears bashing her mother, she goes down to stay with Alice. When Ralph goes down to get his bus uniform, Ralph’s mother (Rita Colton) shows up, and Ralph realizes that he had been mistaken about whose mother was coming. He apologizes to Alice, and she has him read a letter that serves as an ode to mothers-in-law. Ralph had written it for their wedding. 12/30/13
• 011. The Deciding Vote – 12/10/1955
  • It is Ralph and Alice’s anniversary and he brings home a new vacuum cleaner that doesn’t work at all, and in the process throws Norton out. Fellow Raccoon Joe Rumsey (George Petrie) visits Ralph to tell him that he will be a shoo-in in the election for the next Convention Manager as long as Norton votes for him. Ralph is then upset to learn that Norton is spending time with Ralph’s competition Frank MacGillicuddy (John Gibson). When Ralph loses the election, he becomes furious with Ed and gives him a terrible reference for a credit application that Ed needs for some new dining room furniture. Ed reveals to Alice that it was no him that didn’t vote for Ed, but rather Joe – who took Ralph’s recommendation of the vacuum cleaner and bought one with similar disastrous results. After Ralph apologizes, Ed also reveals that the dining room furniture was actually for Ralph and Alice for their anniversary. Cliff Hall is the Raccoon president. 12/30/13
• 012. Something Fishy – 12/17/1955
  • After Ed demolishes Ralph in a game of ping-pong and Ralph gives an update on the membership drive, the Raccoons continue their meeting by voting unanimously to not allow the wives to attend the upcoming Raccoons fishing expedition. Inspired by a pep talk from Ralph, they even decide that this year they’ll even tell the wives that they can’t go. Naturally both Ed and Ralph have a hard time telling the wives, and when they do, both Alice and Trixie demand to be taken along. To get around this, Ralph and Ed decide to sneak out two hours early the next morning while the wives are still asleep. They are foiled however when Alice and Trixie sleep in the car, which Ralph can’t get started anyway. Alice helps him get the car started and makes them feel guilty about excluding them, and ultimately Ralph and Ed invite them to go along. 1/2/14
• 013. ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – 12/24/1955
  • It is Christmas Eve and Ralph is excited to exchange gifts with Alice. Trixie reports that Ed had given her an orange juice squeezer that looks like Napolean. Ralph has bought Alice a hairpin box made from matchsticks that supposedly belong to the Emperor of Japan. Ralph and Ed exchange their gifts and Ed gets a tie, while Ralph gets spats. When Mrs. Stevens (Anne Seymour) visits and gives Alice the very same hairpin box, deeming it nothing more than a trinket, Ralph is crestfallen. When Uncle Leo (Calvin Thomas) delivers a gift certificate, Ralph plans to use that to get Alice a new gift. When that scheme fails, he hocks his bowling ball. When the time comes to exchange gifts, Alice gives Ralph a bowling ball bag and has to admit that he hocked his ball to get Alice a great gift in place of the hairpin box. The gift turns out to be the same orange juice squeezer that Norton bought. Alice pretends to love it, while Ralph pontificates about how much he loves the holiday. The cast steps out of character to wish the audience a Merry Christmas. 1/2/14
• 014. The Man from Space – 12/31/1955
  • Ralph has an idea how to win the $50 prize for the costume contest at a party given by the Raccoons: borrow $10 from Norton and rent a professional costume of Henry VIII. Norton has the same idea though, and he rents one to dress like Pierre Francois De la Brioski, the man who built the sewers of Paris. Alice won’t give him the money either, so he decides to improvise and rip apart the apartment to create his costume of a man from space. Norton is unable to attend due to being called into work, so Alice (dressed as a 12-year old girl) and Trixe (dressed as a sailor) accompany Ralph. It comes down to two finalists with Ralph being one of them for his costume as a ‘pinball machine’, when Norton bursts in wearing his sewer apparel. The prize is immediately awarded to Norton for his costume of…the man from space. 1/2/14
• 015. A Matter of Record – 1/7/1955
  • Ralph gets tickets to the Broadway show Murder Strikes Out, but Alice can’t go because her mother is visiting. This enrages Ralph, who then goes on a tirade against his mother-in-law (Ethel Owen) referring to her as a “Blabbermouth.” When she shows up, Ralph sits quietly while she insults him, capped off with her giving away the plot of the play. Ralph throws her out and Alice, fed up with Ralph, follows her. Days later Ralph misses Alice so bad that with Ed’s help, he records a record to send her begging her to return – but before he is satisfied with the recording, he records an ‘outtake’ in which he digresses to the same tirade, and Ed accidentally sends this record. When Alice refuses to come home, Ralph blames Ed, who then takes the real record over and plays it for her. Just when she is ready to come home, Ralph is notified that he has measles – passed on from the kids on the stick-ball team that Ed coaches – and he selflessly tells Alice to stay away while he recovers, insisting that Norton will do his housework. 1/2/14
• 016. Oh, My Aching Back – 1/14/1956
  • Alice wants to go to dinner at her mother’s and knows that Ralph with balk and make up an excuse not to go. Sure enough Ralph comes home claiming to be tired and ready to go to bed because he has a physical in the morning. After Alice leaves, it is revealed that Ralph and Ed are really headed to the Raccoons bowling championship. Alice comes back and catches Ralph and is furious, finally leaving it up to Ralph’s conscience whether he goes or not. Ralph does go, and they win the championship, but Ralph hurts his back fiercely. Ralph has Norton come into his apartment pretending to sleepwalk so that, knowing Trixie is out of town, she will send Ralph up to stay with him and he can use the heating pad. The ruse works, but his cover is blown when his fellow Raccoons Charlie (Fred Marth) and Fred (George Petrie) bring Ralph a trophy for his great game. 12/30/13
• 017. The Baby Sitter – 1/21/1956
  • Ralph is furious when he finds out that Alice has had a phone installed, thinking that she will run up the phone bill talking to her mother all day. He also accuses her of being on the phone the minute he leaves because he tried to call and it was busy; it turns out he was dialing the wrong number and apologizes. Alice thinks she can pay for the phone by taking some babysitting jobs without telling Ralph, but when Ralph overhears a patron at the barbershop give his number to a man named Harvey (Frank Marth) hoping to hire Alice for some babysitting, he jumps to the wrong conclusion again. He follows Alice to Harvey’s house and barges in making accusations, only to find Harvey Junior (Peter Lazer) fast asleep. He has to apologize yet again, but this time Alice bears some of the responsibility for sneaking around. 1/19/14
• 018. The $99,000 Answer – 1/28/1956
  • Ralph is a contestant on the game show The $99,000 Answer hosted by Herb Norris (Jay Jackson). He only has time to choose his category ‘Popular Songs’ before time runs out and he has to wait for next week’s episode. He utilizes that time to study every record and piece of sheet music that he can get his hand on. He has Mrs. Manicotti (Zamah Cunningham) sing him Italian songs and Norton play him selections on the piano (although he gets irritated when Norton has to warm up with Swanee River before every single selection). Alice is afraid he is wasting money on studying and encourages him to stop at a lower prize instead of going for the $99,000 answer, which if missed would mean that he loses everything he’s won up to that point. When he finally gets on the show he makes his intention to go for the big money known, but then misses the very first question…the composer of Swanee River. 1/19/14
• 019. Ralph Kramden, Inc.  – 2/3/1956
  • While bird watching in Central Park, Ed agrees to give Ralph $20 to cover some missing bus receipts, in exchange for owning 20% of Ralph Kramden, Incorporated, for which Ralph promises big returns. After a week with no returns, Norton re-negotiates for 35%, just before lawyer Frederick Parsons shows up to let Ralph know that he has been named in the will of a former bus passenger Mary Monahan. When Ralph finds out she was rich, he tries every trick to get out of giving Norton his share, but he fails and Ed comes along to the reading of the will. Mary’s butler Herbert Bascom (John Seymour) gets $50,000, her maid Mary O’Donnell gets $25,000, and her nephew Robert Bradley gets just one dollar, due to his gambling and philandering. Ralph is excited when he hears he is getting her fortune, but both he and Ed faint dead away when they find out that Fortune is actually Mary’s pet parrot. 2/7/14
• 020. Young at Heart – 2/11/1956
  • When teenage couple Judy (Suzanne Miller) and Wallace (Ronnie Burns) meet at the Kramden house for a date, Alice is inspired to ask Ralph to take her dancing, roller skating, and to the amusement park. Ralph scoffs at the idea and mocks Alice, but then feels bad and decides to change his ways. He and Norton practice the Hucklebuck dance and then Ralph tells Alice he wants to take her out. The Nortons tag along and they go dancing and then roller skating. Ralph can barely stand up and when he falls, it takes a group effort to get him back up. Back home, Ralph starts to rant about the embarrassment  of the  evening, but eventually the tirade digresses to group laughter and Ralph fondly reminiscing about his and Alice’s youthful days. 2/7/14
• 021. A Dog’s Life – 2/18/1956
  • Alice brings home a puppy unbeknownst to Ralph. When Ed finds the dog’s food in the icebox, he begins eating it and raving about its delicious uniqueness. Ralph decides that he can can and market this new appetizer if he can get his boss Mr. Marshall (John Griggs) to sponsor its distribution. When he presents ‘Kranmar’s Delicious Mystery Appetizer’ to Marshall and his colleagues Mr. Peck, Mr. Tebbetts (Les Damon), and Charlie (Eddie Hanley), they recognize it as dog food and Ralph passes out cold. Ralph goes home and confronts Alice about the dog and then takes it back to the pound. While he is there, he falls in love with it, and when he finds out that the dog might be destroyed, he rescues it and two others. Frank Marth is Mr. MacGregor, and George Petrie is the janitor at the dog pound. 3/17/14
• 022. Here Comes the Bride – 2/25/1956
  • Ralph, Ed, and the others give fellow member Stanley Saxon (John Gibson) some ribbing about getting married to Alice’s sister Agnes (Treva Frazee). When Ralph finds out that Stanley and Agnes are going to move into her parents’ home after the wedding, he tells the timid Stanley that he needs to put his foot down and be the king of his castle. Immediately following the wedding, Agnes shows up at the Kramdens’ apartment saying that Stanley has changed and that he is now a ‘beast,’ and Alice insists that she stay. Ralph is petrified that Alice will find out that he was the one behind Stanley’s big change. The argument comes to a head when Stanley comes for dinner and makes up with Agnes, admitting that it was all Ralph’s influence that made him act that way, just as Ralph and Ed are pretending that acting beastly to their wives is the norm. Ralph is forced to eat crow, once again. 3/17/14
• 023. Mama Loves Mambo – 3/3/1956
  • A new neighbor named Carlos Sanchez (Charles Corvin) moves in next door. Sight unseen, Ralph and Ed take pity on him thinking he is an old bachelor, but once they meet him and find out that he seems to be a suave ladies man who has polite manners, they start to feel threatened. Worse yet, Ralph finds his house invaded by neighbor ladies – including Mrs. Manicotti – learning to mambo from Carlos. Ralph throws them all out and then he, Norton, and Mr. Manicotti (Louis Sorin) confront Carlos about putting ideas into the wives’ heads. Carlos agrees to back off, but then chastises them for not doing little things to be more of gentlemen, who consider all of the things that their wives do for them. Ralph agrees with Carlos, so he and the men start going overboard acting like gentlemen. This drives the wives even crazier, so they ask the guys to go back to their old selves. 6/17/14
• 024. Please Leave the Premises – 3/10/1956
  • Ralph’s new technique of  controlling anger (“Pins and needles, needles and pins, a happy man is a man who grins”) fails him when his landlord Mr. Johnson (Luis Van Rooten) imposes a 15% rent hike amounting to five dollars. Ralph wants to make a point, so organizes a rent strike with Norton against Alice’s objection. Johnson turns off their heat, gas, electric, and water, so Ralph and Alice nearly freeze and starve to death. Norton caves in when an officer serves him an eviction notice, but Ralph won’t give in, nor allow Norton to leave their apartment. Eventually Ralph tries to escape out the bedroom window and is served the eviction. Out on the street, Alice finally decides to go stay with her mother and it begins to snow. Ralph finally caves, citing Alice’s susceptibility to virus as the reason. 6/18/14
• 025. Pardon My Glove – 3/17/1956
  • Alice is planning to throw Ralph a surprise birthday party, but Ralph stumbles on her to-do list and figures it out. Meanwhile, Alice decides to postpone the party when she gets an offer from a department store to re-decorate the apartment for free, and decides that this will enhance Ralph’s surprise. Ralph becomes suspicious when he comes home expecting a party and there is none…intensified when he also finds a man’s glove in the drawer. The owner of the glove is Andre the decorator (Alexander Clark), but Ralph fears that Alice is having an affair, so he and Norton hide on the fire escape and pretend to leave. When Andre shows up, Ralph barges in and throws him out. Alice berates him for ruining their opportunity – to which he can only apologize. Alice forgives him and gives him his birthday gift. 8/28/14
• 026. Young Man with a Horn – 3/24/1956
  • While cleaning out the closet, Alice finds Ralph’s old cornet which brings back memories of him trying to hit the ‘high note’ on the song Carnival of Venice. Metaphorically he equates it to never hitting the high note in life. Ed stops by and announces that he will be taking a civil service test to try for a job as sewer inspector, and suggests that Ralph take it to become a senior clerk in transit authority. Ralph declines, but is later inspired by an elderly couple, August Gunther and his wife (Charles Eggleston, Nell Harrison) who visits Ralph’s apartment where they once lived. From humble beginnings, Gunther went on to be a successful donut manufacturer. Ralph decides to take his advice and take stock in his life, eliminating his shortcomings and enhancing his good points. Neither Ralph nor Ed pass the test, but Alice insists that Ralph not get discouraged, as she loves the ‘new’ Ralph Kramden. He acknowledges that he did hit the ‘high note’ once…when he married her. Subsequently, he finally hits the high note on the cornet. 8/30/14
• 027. Head of the House – 3/31/1956
  • During an on-the-street interview with reporter Dick Prescott (Frank Marth), Ralph makes the statement that he is the head of his house. He soon comes to regret it and tries to hide the evening paper from Alice. Norton barges in with the paper, which Alice reads and quickly becomes disappointed in Ralph, who stands by his statement. In order to prove his dominance, he gets Norton and the two share a bottle of wine that he has been keeping. Unbeknownst to them, Alice had put grape juice in place of the wine…but it doesn’t stop the guys from getting drunk anyway. Later at work, Joe Fensterblau (Dick Bernie) bets Ralph that Alice will not make him dinner if Ralph demands it. Ralph takes the bet, but when he calls Alice to demand dinner, she hangs up him, forcing Ralph and Norton to prepare the dinner themselves…with the expected disastrous results. When Alice comes home, she explains that she would have been happy to make the dinner if Ralph would have asked – instead of told. Still she apologizes to Joe to save Ralph’s reputation, to which Ralph declares that she is the greatest. 8/30/14
• 028. The Worry Wart – 4/7/1956
  • Ralph gets a letter from the IRS requesting that he come down to their office the next day. Ralph can’t stop worrying about it all evening and into the night, when he painfully tries to recreate his tax return. Norton tries to assist and convinces Ralph that it is because Ralph won some prizes at different activities including a horse statue with a clock in its stomach. Norton accompanies Ralph to the IRS meeting, where Ralph is relieved to find out that he simply did not sign his return. He gleefully leaves after signing, but then returns to admit the prizes and money he had won…including the clock. Warren Parker is IRS man Richard Puder. 8/31/14
• 029. Trapped – 4/14/1956
  • While playing pool at the Pool Room, Ralph gets frustrated by Norton’s antics and storms out, only to witness two thugs (George Petrie, Frank Marth) leaving the scene of a bank robbery and firing a shot at Ralph, blowing a hole in his hat. Ralph decides not to tell the police as he’s afraid that the robbers will find him and kill him. When Ralph comes home, he is a nervous wreck, nearly scared to death by the TV repairman (Eddie Hanley) on the fire escape and the sink that backfires. The robbers do in fact show up and hold Ralph, Alice, and eventually Ed as hostage. Ralph gets rid of a police officer (Ken Lynch), but they put a man downstairs for protection. Ralph ends up blowing his top when they get rough with Alice and overpowers the bully robber, and then allows Norton to take them at gunpoint to the police downstairs…but at the last minute, Ralph rushes down to make sure Norton doesn’t get the credit. Ralph Robertson is Tommy Manicotti. Sammy Birch is Harry, the pool hall attendant. 9/16/14
• 030. The Loudspeaker – 4/21/1956
  • When the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler Morris Fink (Jock MacGregor) asks Ralph to make a speech at the next Raccoons meeting, during which the Raccoon of the Year will be announced, Ralph concludes that the winner will be him. He boasts about it to Alice and Ed, and pens an acceptance speech that will be presented as if it was off the cuff, including a joke with the punchline “I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.” His speech is constantly interrupted by the chatting of Alice and Trixie, causing him to blow his stack. But when Fink visits the apartment and gives Alice the speech that he wrote for Ralph to present, she has to break the news that he is merely being asked to introduce the Racoon of the Year: Ed Norton. Ralph is crushed, Alice is sympathetic, but he uncharacteristically goes up to Norton’s to offer him his joke. 9/21/14
• 031. On Stage – 4/28/1956
  • With the Racoon Lodge in debt due to the members not paying their dues, the Ladies Auxiliary hire professional director Mr. Faversham (George N. Neise) to help stage a play to raise money. Ralph is adamantly against it until Faversham convinces Ralph that he has a tremendous stage presence. Immediately the praise goes to Ralph’s head and he considers himself a thespian of the highest order. Norton doesn’t get a part but when Joe Hannigan gets the flu, Ed takes over. He rehearses the play with Ralph, who is playing Frederick, and Alice, playing Rachel. Ed plays Hamilton, the third member of the love triangle, and annoys Ralph by his mispronunciation of  “polo ponies” to the point that he almost doesn’t go on. The play ends up being a success and when Hollywood producer Herbert J. Whiteside (Alexander N. Neise) approaches Ralph, he assumes that he has been discovered. In reality, he is interested in casting Alice – but she turns him down, stating that she isn’t an actress, she was simply confessing her love to her real-life husband Ralph on stage. 10/1/14
• 032. Opportunity Knocks But – 5/5/1956
  • Ralph’s boss Mr. Marshall invites Ralph over to give him some pointers on how to play pool, and asks Ed to come along as well. Ralph tries to show him the fundamentals of the game, but Ed is busy telling him various ideas on how to better run the bus company. Marshall likes his ideas and offers Ed a job as bus driver supervisor, causing Ralph to flip out. At home Ralph throws Norton out and tells Alice never to mention him again. After Alice realizes that Ralph’s pride is just hurt since Ed will now be his boss, Ralph goes up to apologize to Norton…but before he can leave Ed comes down and apologizes to him. Trixie had helped him recall that all the ideas he pitched to Marshall where just versions of ideas that Ralph had told him. He promises to take Ralph with him to see Marshall so that he can tell him that Ralph is the man for the job. John Seymour is Roberts the butler. 11/2/14
• 033. Unconventional Behavior – 5/12/1956
  • Alice had decided to give Ralph the money that she has been saving so that he can go to the Raccoons convention in Minneapolis, but before she can tell him this, he invites her to go along – just so he can get the money. This forces Ed to take Trixie along as well. Ralph is excited to go either way, and has stocked up on practical jokes. Ralph and Ed find their berths on the train, but seem to have accidentally lost Alice and Trixie. Ed has purchased more tricks in the train station and manages to get himself and Ralph locked into ‘trick’ handcuffs. They are forced to spend the night handcuffed together, and when Ralph can stand no more and explodes, the conductor (Humphrey Davis) informs them that the train they are on is going to Norfolk, Virginia – not Minneapolis. 9/14/14
• 034. The Safety Award – 5/19/1956
  • Ralph is ready to receive the award for having the best accident-free record – 14 years – with the bus company. He is even interviewed by Universal Magazine by Martin (Frank Marth), and states that he will be bringing his wife, best friend Ed, and Ed’s wife Trixie to the ceremony. The night of the ceremony, no one can seem to get out the door when Alice and Trixie both dress in the same outfit and argue who should get to wear it. Once Alice and Trixie make amends, with Trixie wearing a coat over her outfit, then Ed shows up in the same suit as Ralph. Eventually Ralph lets Ed wear the suit and they depart. When Ralph goes to get the car, he has an accident and gets into an argument with a stubborn man who insists that it is Ralph’s fault. In order to avoid getting the police involved, Ralph accepts the blame. At the awards ceremony, the presenter turns out to be Judge Hurdle, the man who hit Ralph. Ralph is nervous, but it turns out that the man’s wife had pointed out to him that the accident was his own fault, and he presents Ralph with his award, promising to fine himself for the accident. Eddie Hanley is Charlie the photographer. Les Damon is the City Administrator. 11/2/14
• 035. Mind Your Own Business – 5/26/1956
  • Ralph gives Ed advice on how to get a raise and promotion by threatening to quit, but it results in Ed being fired. Alice is livid when she finds out that the advice came from Ralph, and the two of them offer to help Ed and Trixie while Ed is out of work. After two weeks of eating at the Kramdens’, Ed gets a job with the Spiffy Iron Company selling steam irons door-to-door. Feeling guilty about mooching off Ralph, Ed lies and says that he made $40 in one day, when in fact he only sold one iron…to his mother. Ralph is tempted to quit his own job when he hears how much Ed has made, and tells Alice he is going to put the ‘squeeze play’ on his boss. She tries to talk him out of it, but he does it anyway. Although he doesn’t get the raise, he chickens out about quitting the bus company. Ed on the other hand is called back to the sewer. All is well that ends well, except for the iron that Ralph bought…which explodes. 11/29/14
• 036. Alice and the Blonde – 6/2/1956
  • Ralph and Ed attempt to sneak in at 2am from a meeting of the Raccoons lodge, but they are caught by the wives, who are tired of them coming in late. Ralph wants to get together with his co-worker Bert Wedemeyer (Frank Behrens) the next night because he feels that it will help his career, so since the wives are already mad, he decides to invite them along. Alice feels like she and Trixie should go and dress nicely to get their husbands to notice them again. Ralph and Ed ignore the wives, but heap on the flattery for Bert’s wife Rita (Freda Rosen), in order to get on Bert’s good side. When Ralph gets home the next day, she starts acting flighty and self-centered like Rita, and Ralph thinks she’s gone nuts and explains he was only trying to win over Bert. She understands but still questions why he never makes her feel attractive, and he agrees it is his fault and apologizes. 11/29/14
• 037. The Bensonhurst Bomber – 9/8/1956
  • While shooting pool, Ralph and Ed are confronted by a squeamish man named George (Leslie Barrett), claiming that he and his friend had gotten to the pool hall first. Ralph dismisses him even when George threatens that his friend Harvey (George Matthews) won’t like this. Ralph threatens to turn them both into bookends…until he sees the giant hulking Harvey, who insists that Ralph meet him at Kelsey’s gym to fight. Ed tries to give Ralph some fighting pointers but ends up punching him in the stomach. Ralph is scared to death and tells Alice he is leaving town. Ed comes up with a plan to have a giant guy he works with bump into Ralph in front of Harvey and say “get a load of fatso,” at which time Ralph will knock him out with one punch. This happens just like they planned, and Ralph knocks him out in front of Harvey, who backs out of the fight. When Ed shows up though, he says that his friend couldn’t make it, and Ralph realizes that he knocked the giant (Mike O’Dowd) out by himself. 1/15/15
• 038. Dial J for Janitor – 9/15/1956
  • Ralph’s headache puts him in no mood to deal with a leak faucet, loose window, or Norton’s incessant banging as he tries to fix his own water pipes. Ralph complains about the janitor to Mr. Johnson the landlord (Luis Van Rooten), only to find that the janitor has quit. When Ralph finds out that the position pays $130 a months plus free rent, he snatches up the job. He soon finds that despite his efforts for efficiency – including putting a phone party line in his apartment – that he keeps falling behind in tasks, including getting Norton’s water running. Eventually he focuses on Norton’s water by working in the boiler room to adjust the water pressure. He gets stuck between the pipes and firemen have to get him out. Ralph ends up quitting the job, even though he won’t admit that he couldn’t handle it. The new janitor ends up being Norton. 1/16/15
• 039. A Man’s Pride – 9/22/1956
  • At the fights at Madison Square Garden, Ralph runs into one of Alice’s old boyfriends, Bill Davis (Dick Bernie), who tell Ralph how successful he is with his manufacturing plants in Chicago. Not wanting to feel outdone, Ralph claims he is the president of Gotham Bus Company. Bill insists on visiting Ralph at his office, and Ralph comes up with a plan to use his boss Mr. Monahan’s (Eddie Kane) office, frantically trying not to get caught. Davis invites Ralph and Alice out to dinner with him and his wife Millie at the fancy Collonade Club and Ralph manages to nearly get through the whole thing without mentioning business and getting caught in his lie. However it is revealed that Bill was lying about his job and is actually an assistant plumber. Neither can pay the check, but Ralph gets stuck with it and has to confess. Once Bill confesses his lie too, they all have a good laugh and chip in for the check. Victor Rendina is the waiter. 3/8/15

Sketches from CAVALCADE OF STARS – Dumont

• 001. Bread – 10/5/1951
  • Ralph comes home from work and is asked by Alice (Pert Kelton) to go out and pick up some bread for dinner, since she only has heels left. Ralph is enraged that she is relying on him and didn’t pick it up during the day. The fight escalates and Alice throws the remaining heals out the window, and soon each of them are throwing things out the window including the breadbox, the kitchen chair, pots and pans, and a container of flour. The flour lands on a policeman (Art Carney), who comes up to the apartment to find out what happened. Alice covers for Ralph and says that it was sitting on the window sill and fell out accidentally. Ralph apologizes to Alice for the way he behaved. 6 minutes. 3/9/15
• 002. Razor Blades – 10/12/1951
  • Ralph goes berserk on Alice when he can’t find the razor blades that he just purchased, screaming at her with his face full of shaving cream. This also leads to arguments with the neighbors who are irritated at his shouting. He starts to create another drawer for himself to store his things by throwing Alice’s clothes on the floor, but feels terrible when one of the items is the dress in which they were married. They make up and kiss. 5 minutes. 5/24/15
• 003. Supermarket Shopping/Alice’s Anniversary – 10/19/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 004. The New Television Set – 11/2/1951
  • Ralph comes home from work to find a television set for which Alice has accepted a free trial. This angers Ralph as does the fact that she has bought cocktail snacks so that they can entertain Ed and Trixie Norton (Elaine Stritch) while they watch TV. Ed and Trixie get into a fight with each other and end up leaving. Ralph is ready to send back the TV, but when the salesman tells him how Alice had lit up like a kid watching the circus while she watched the TV, Ralph decides to pay the $2 a week and keep it, telling Alice that he wishes he could give her everything she wants. 8 minutes. 5/24/15
• 005. Ralph Threatens to Leave – 11/16/1951
  • When Ralph comes home to vegetable meatloaf after a hard day’s work, the sparks start to fly when Alice mocks his job as a bus driver and he accuses her of flirting with the waiter at the pizza restaurant. Ralph starts to leave, but when Alice becomes sullen, he has a change of heart, claiming he has to attend a Knights of Columbus lodge meeting the next night. Alice laughs and reminds him that they’ll always be together because they love each other. 6 minutes. 7/15/15
• 006. Alice and Ralph Get Dressed for a Date Last Night – 11/30/1951
  • Ralph and Alice are trying to get ready to go out for a formal engagement with the Nortons. Ralph loses his temper when his collar is too stiff, he has a hole in his sock, and he gets covered in talcum powder trying to open a can for Alice. Ralph then confesses that he threw out one of Alice’s fake eyelashes when he though it was a cockroach. When Ralph realizes that the cleaners sent a suit over that was way too small, he calls Norton down to cancel going. Norton informs him that the dance had been the night before and when Ralph and Alice weren’t home, they went without them. Ralph apologizes to Alice, who tells him that she had pressed his other suit so they can go out anyway. NOTE: Ralph refers to Ed’s wife as “Millie”. 8 minutes. 7/15/15
• 007. The Ring Salesman – 12/7/1951
  • Alice tells Trixie (Joyce Randolph, in her first appearance) that she is meeting with jeweler Joe Fenster, who is helping her pick out a ring for Ralph for Christmas. Ralph finds a note from Joe detailing how they can meet while Ralph is out bowling. Ralph blows up at Alice and accuses her of being unfaithful, and confronts Joe when he shows up to meet Alice. Once Ralph learns the truth, he is forced to apologize. Alice acknowledges that she is rather flattered that Ralph is still jealous after so many years of marriage. 9 minutes. NOTE: This sketch was remade on 3/28/1952. 10/6/15
• 008. The Quiz Show – 12/14/1951
  • Ralph and Alice return home after participating in a radio quiz show. Ralph blasts Alice for missing her question, resulting in them being sent home with nothing more than a year’s supply of Krinkly Krax cereal. As he berates her, representatives of the program show up at their apartment to report that Alice’s question regarding William McKinley being one of two presidents to follow Grover Cleveland was actually correct. The next question then goes to Ralph, who guesses that Marconi was the inventor of macaroni, resulting in them losing all over again… and merely keeping their Krinkly Krax. NOTE: This sketch was remade on 10/18/1952. 12 minutes. 10/6/15
• 009. Christmas Party – 12/21/1951
  • On Christmas Eve, Alice prepares for a Christmas party at the apartment. Ralph comes home late with the items he was told to pick up, and explains that he had stopped at Joe the Bartender’s (Jackie Gleason) bar, where rich man Reginald Van Gleason (Jackie Gleason) was buying free food and soda for everyone. Alice sends Ralph back to DeVito’s to return the potato salad and pick it up from Krause’s. While he is gone, Fenwick Babbitt (Jackie Gleason) delivers a keg of beer and block of ice before realizing he has the wrong apartment. Jane Pickens (herself), who once worked with Trixie in Vaudeville, stops by and sings a medley of  The Song Is You and I’ve Told Ev’ry Little Star from the musical Music in the Air.  Joe stops by and talks about a guy they call the Poor Soul (Jackie Gleason) who was thrilled when someone gave him a cheap rhinestone. Alice tells Joe to send the Poor Soul up for a real gift. When he arrives, she presents him with an old tie of Ralph’s. The Poor Soul is so touched that he gives Alice his cherished rhinestone. Rudy the Repairman (Jackie Gleason) and his mumbling partner Whitey (Jerry Bergen) show up to fix the Kramden TV, which they do when they find a pair of ‘shorts’ in the TV. Norton brings over Rudy Cardenas (himself) who performs a juggling act. Reggie Van Gleason stops by bearing gifts and brings with him Wilbur de Paris and His Rampart Street Ramblers and the June Taylor Dancers who perform a ragtime number as he dances. Ralph finally returns, accompanied by a police officer (Frank Marth), having been arrested from breaking the window at Krause’s, trying to get their attention while closed. Ralph and Alice exchange their gifts, with Ralph getting fur-lined gloves and Alice getting a Napoleon orange juicer – the same gift that Ed had given Trixie. 41 minutes. NOTE: This episode was remade twice, on 12/20/1952 and 12/19/1953. 12/14/16
• 010. Alice’s Sister Argues with Her Husband – 1/4/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 011. Alice Finds a Dog – 2/1/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 012. Cold – 2/8/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 013. The Ring Salesman – 3/28/1952
  • Ralph finds a letter from a man named Joe Spencer indicating that he will meeting with Alice while Ralph is out bowling. Ralph loses his temper and confronts Alice with the note. Alice can’t explain it, which leads to more badgering from Ralph. When Joe shows up, Ralph nearly attacks him until Alice reveals that she was looking for a ring to buy Ralph for his birthday. Ralph is forced to apologize, and Alice actually thanks him for still being jealous after twelve years of marriage. 8 minutes. NOTE: This episode is a remake of the sketch that aired on 12/7/1951. 12/14/16
• 014. Surprise Party – 4/4/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 015. Easter Hats – 4/11/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 016 Spring Cleaning – 4/18/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 017. Manager of the Baseball Team – 5/16/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 018. Vacation Plans (aka Vacation at Fred’s Landing) – 5/30/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.

NOTE: Possible additional lost DuMont sketches include: Bus Driver’s Frolics (aka Alice Plays the Trombone), Meat Substitute, The Home Run Ball, The Mystery Novel, The Expectant Father (aka Alice Knitting Sweater for Dog), and The Driving Lesson. It is speculated that Spring Cleaning could be the same episode as Easter Hats, and that Meat Substitute could possibly be Ralph Threatens to Leave. Additionally, two Honeymooners Sketches were performed on The Ed Sullivan Show: The Ring Salesman (3/30/1952) and The Dance (5/4/1952), both unavailable for viewing.

Sketches from THE JACKIE GLEASON SHOW – 1952-1953 – CBS

• 001. The New Bowling Ball – 9/20/1952
  • Alice (Audrey Meadows, in her first appearance) is late getting dinner started after picking up Ralph’s new bowling ball. Ralph throws a fit when dinner is running late and he is getting all frozen food. He tries to open a can of bean for himself and smashes his finger, then gets his finger stuck in the bowling ball. Ed helps him get it out, and Ralph sends him on to the game without him. Ralph laments his luck to Alice, who then reminds him that it was his left hand that got injured and he bowls right-handed. Ralph apologizes for his behavior and invites Alice to go to the game with him. Paul Luther introduces the Honeymooners sketch. 9 minutes. 2/13/16
• 002. The Turkey – 9/27/1952
  • Ralph comes home from work to find Alice frantically searching for her lost wedding ring. He also finds a live turkey in a cage in their bedroom, which she is holding for Mr. Howard, the winner of a turkey raffle for their club. Ralph deduces that the turkey has eaten the ring so plans to kill it and sends Norton to get a replacement turkey for Howard. He can’t bring himself to kill it so tries to make the turkey sneeze it out, but ends up with pepper in his own face. Howard shows up right after Norton, and Ralph can’t remember which turkey is which, so he gives Howard $17 more dollar to get his own turkey. Then Trixie comes down with the ring and says she found it in Alice’s room and grabbed it for safe keeping. Now down $34, Ralph apologizes for acting crazy, and Alice predicts that Grogan is a good friend and would probably take the turkey’s back. 10 minutes. 2/13/16
• 003. Sprained Thumb – 10/4/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost. There is speculation as to whether this episode was ever filmed.
• 004. The Lost Baby – 10/11/1952
  • Ralph finds an abandoned baby on his bus, and instead of dropping him off at the foundling home, he brings the baby home. Ralph brings home hamburger to feed the baby, so Alice goes out to get the baby pablum. Ralph and Ed attempt to give the baby milk by pouring it into a glove to act as a nipple but end up exploding the glove all over Ralph. A police officer comes to retrieve the baby, indicating that the poor mother had abandoned the baby but now realizes she can’t live without him. Ralph confesses to Alice how much he’d like to have twenty kids one day. 10 minutes. 5/7/16
• 005. The Quiz Show – 10/18/1952
  • Ralph and Alice return home after participating in a radio quiz show. Ralph blasts Alice for missing her question, resulting in them being sent home with nothing more than a year’s supply of Krinkly Krax cereal. As he berates her, the host of the Krinkly Krax show Happy Larry Barnaby shows up at their apartment to report that Alice’s question regarding William McKinley being the president to follow Grover Cleveland was actually one of two possible answers. The next question then goes to Ralph, who guesses that macaroni was what Marconi invented, resulting in them losing all over again… and merely keeping their Krinkly Krax… causing Ralph to eat crow again. Frank Marth is the photographer. 11 minutes. NOTE: This episode is a remake of the sketch that aired on 12/14/1951. 5/7/16
• 006. Halloween Party (aka Question Mark aka Masquerade) – 10/25/1952
  • Ed and Trixie are accompanying Ralph and Alice to a Halloween masquerade party for the bus drivers. Ralph is furious and embarrassed by the costume that Alice made for him as a Zulu Chief. Alice is an angel, Ed is Clara Bow, and Trixie is a sailor. Ralph decides to rip up his tuxedo and go as a bum instead. When Freddie Muller shows up to pick up Ralph, he informs Ralph that the party is a formal dance for the boss’s birthday and not a Halloween party. Since Ralph has destroyed his tuxedo, Ralph has nothing to wear so they skip the party. Ralph delivers his apology to Alice and tells her she looks like a real angel. 9 minutes. 8/10/16
• 007. Cold – 11/1/1952
  • Ralph has a cold and Alice is waiting hand and foot on him, as Ralph acts like a big baby. After Ralph is burnt by the water warming his feet and suffers through Alice taking half of his mustard plaster off, he finds out that Alice has filled out an application for a life insurance policy on him. Ralph throws a fit and vows to die before Alice can pay the first premium, but then Alice tells him that she had taken out a policy on herself long ago and secretly paid for it out of the laundry money. Ralph apologizes and vows that they shouldn’t talk about dying. 8 minutes. 8/10/16
• 008. The Pickles – 11/8/1952
  • Alice and Ralph return from grocery shopping and bicker about the cost of groceries and the fact that Alice dragged him from one store to the next to get the best deals. Ralph is particularly irritated by Alice buying a 64 cents on a jar of pickles. When Ralph finds out that there isn’t any money left for him to buy lunches, he throws another fit, but then lends Ed money for an emergency. Ralph says that he had stashed it away for their anniversary gift. When the deliveryman arrives with the gift, Alice comes up with some hidden money of her own to pay for it. Alice says that she saved it so they could go out for the anniversary. When Alice starts eating the pickles, Ralph assumes she is pregnant, but she disappoints him when she tells him her doctor asked her to eat them to find out if she is allergic to them. Ralph is steamed, but Alice consoles him by saying that one of these days, it just may happen. 7 minutes. 10/24/16
• 009. Jellybeans – 11/22/1952
  • Ralph has bought a huge jar and a batch of jellybeans in order to win a contest at a furniture store in order to win $100. Alice is more anxious to get Ralph to take her to buy a dress that is on sale that she’s saved for. Ralph sends Ed to give the store the total, and Ralph does in fact win… but it is for a $100 gift certificate in furniture if he purchases $1000 worth. Ralph’s dreams of the things he will buy goes up in smoke, and making it worse, Ralph has spent Alice’s dress money on the jellybeans and jar. An apologetic Ralph tells Alice about all he hoped to buy for her and she forgives him for taking her money. 8 minutes. 10/24/16
• 010. The Missing Pair of Pants – 12/6/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 011. Six Months to Live – 12/13/1952
  • Ralph intercepts a letter from the veterinarian of Alice’s mother detailing the dog’s deadly illness ‘Cerebral Monochromia’, and thinking the letter pertains to him thinks he only has six months to live. When Alice returns, Ralph begins to lament his condition and the fact that Alice may marry another man who will move into their apartment. When Alice won’t take him seriously, he shows her the letter, which evokes hysterical laughter from her. Once Ralph learns that the letter applied to the dog, he breaks down in laughter too. Meanwhile Alice wears an eye-patch after being hit by a pair of socks the Ralph tossed. NOTE: This episode was reworked into The Honeymooners episode A Matter of Life and Death in 1955. 14 minutes. 1/31/17
• 012. Christmas Party – 12/20/1952
  • On Christmas Eve, Alice prepares for a Christmas party at the apartment. Ralph comes home late with the items he was told to pick up, and explains that he had stopped at Joe the Bartender’s bar, where rich man Reginald Van Gleason was buying free food and soda for everyone. Alice sends Ralph back to DeVito’s to return the potato salad and pick it up from Krause’s. While he is gone, Fenwick Babbitt delivers a keg of beer and block of ice before realizing he has the wrong apartment. Patricia Morison (herself), who once worked with Trixie in Vaudeville, stops by and sings the showtunes All the Things You Are and Wunderbar. Joe stops by and talks about a guy they call the Poor Soul who was thrilled w hen someone gave him a cheap rhinestone. Alice tells Joe to send the Poor Soul up for a real gift. When he arrives, she presents him with an old tie of Ralph’s. The Poor Soul is so touched that he gives Alice his cherished rhinestone. Rudy the Repairman and his mumbling partner Whitey (Jerry Bergen) show up to fix the Kramden TV, which they do when they find a pair of ‘shorts’ in the TV. Norton brings over the young kid Frankie Avalon (himself) who performs a trumpet and tap dance act. Reggie Van Gleason stops by bearing gifts and brings with him Ray Bloch (himself) and his band as well as the June Taylor Dancers who perform a ragtime number as he dances. Ralph finally returns, accompanied by a police officer (Frank Marth), having been arrested from breaking the window at Krause’s, trying to get their attention while closed. Ralph and Alice exchange their gifts, with Ralph getting fur-lined gloves and Alice getting a Napoleon orange juicer – the same gift that Ed had given Trixie. 41 minutes. NOTE: This episode was remake of the episode that aired 12/21/1951 and would later be remade on 12/19/1953. 12/14/16
• 013. Glow Worm Cleaning – 1/3/1953
  • Alice is picked by a man of the supermarket to appear in the current advertising job for Glow Worm Cleanser, but when she tells a grumpy Ralph about it, he doesn’t like the idea because he doesn’t want it to lead to future modeling jobs. Ralph changes his tune when Alice tells him that the ad agent told her that her husband would appear in the advertisement as well. When the ad executive and photographer (Sammy Birch) shows up to take the picture, Ralph is pulled out of the photo and a model named Martin is put in the photo as the husband. Ralph is furious and throws everyone out. The exec offers to use Ralph in another ad if he allows them to photograph Alice and Martin, but when tells Ralph that the photo will be used as the ‘fat, flabby, and forty’ model, he throws them out again. When Alice lays into him and tells Ralph what a thrill it would have been for her to be in the ad, Ralph is forced to eat crow and apologize. 10 minutes. 5/9/17
• 014. Alice Plays Cupid – 1/17/1953
  • Ralph brings home his single traffic manager George (George Petrie) for dinner at the apartment, so Alice gets the idea to bring her single friend Henrietta to dinner in hopes they might hit it off. When Ralph finds out that Alice is serving meatloaf, he hits the ceiling, complaining that he could get something like that in a diner. Then he is furious about Henrietta being invited, and when he meets her, Ralph refers to her as a monster. Before Alice can introduce George to Henrietta, Ralph warns him that she had set him up with an ugly monster who scares off the mice. George says it wouldn’t be possible anyway since he is engaged… and when he sees Henrietta, it turns out that she is his fiancee. As traffic manager, George says he’d like to talk to Ralph about the dreaded Staten Island run. Ralph and Alice can’t help but to break down laughing when they leave. 12 minutes. 5/9/17
• 015. Suspense – 1/24/1953
  • Alice and Trixie are rehearsing for a play when Ralph comes home and overhears Alice’s part of a woman who plans to murder her husband. Ralph is beside himself and suspicious when Alice goes upstairs for a carving knife. When she returns, he tells her that he overheard what she was saying. She admits it is true, and tells Ralph that her whole family supports her decision, still thinking that Ralph has figured out that she’s in a play. When Ralph sees Alice slip a vitamin pill into his tomato juice, he then reveals he actually believes she intends to kill him. Incredulous that Ralph could believe such a thing, she drinks the juice and tells him that she’s committing suicide. Ralph has a breakdown and pleads with her not to die, confessing his true love for her. Alice can’t keep a straight face and begins laughing at him. Ralph is ready to beat her up when Alice reminds him how much he said he loves her. Ralph can’t help but agree. 11 minutes. 1/1/18
• 016. Lost Job – 1/31/1953
  • Although Ralph laments how much the government and Alice take from his weekly paycheck, he is in a great mood on payday and ready to go out for a nice Chinese meal with the Nortons. Then Alice discovers a form letter with Ralph’s paycheck notifying him that he has been fired. Ralph considers himself a failure, but refuses to let Alice hock her ring or get a job herself. Ralph suggests that she go home to her mother while he finds a job, but she insists she will stand by him through anything. Ralph’s friend Dutch comes over to pick him up for bowling, and Ralph realizes that Dutch only used the pink slip for scrap paper, and actually wrote a note to him about getting him for bowling. Ralph is relieved, kicks Dutch out, and continues with plans to go out to eat with Alice and the Nortons. 9 minutes. 1/1/18
• 017. Anniversary Gift – 12/21/1953
  • It’s Ralph and Alice’s 13th anniversary, and Alice is anxious to celebrate dancing at the Hotel New York and give Ralph $25 to buy the suede jacket that he wants. Ralph has bought Alice a tiny box made of 2000 matchsticks to put her hairpins in, but when Trixie gives her the exact same gift and make a big deal about how cheap it was, Ralph is ashamed to give it to her. He plans to use some of this jacket money to buy her a better gift. Just ten a deliveryman drops off a package for the neighbor Mrs. O’Leary, and when Alice she assumes that it is for her. It is a dress that is much too big, so she and Trixie start making alterations to it. Mrs. O’Leary (Zamah Cunnigham) comes to claim her dress, and is furious. Ralph admits what happened and pays for the dress out of his birthday money. Alice is just as happy with the original gift. 10 minutes. 9/3/18
• 018. Income Tax – 3/7/1953
  • Ralph has decided to do his income taxes himself despite Alice’s brother offering to them for one dollar. He is going nuts trying to find the correct papers, blaming Alice for the mess and for their finances being out of whack… while she blames him for only making $42 per week. Ed tries to assist to no avail, as he realizes that there are no deductions that he can take. Eventually he decides that he owes $15, an amount he does not have. Alice suggests that he use the money he’s been saving for a bowling ball, but Ralph refuses, complaining about inflation, the government and how much they take from him. Just then their Priest (George Petrie) stops by asking for money for the less fortunate in other countries. Ralph suddenly feels generous and gives the Father the $15 he had been saving. Ralph thinks he can do an extra shift to pay the taxes, and then has a change of heart about how great the country is. 11 minutes. 9/3/18
• 019. Alice’s Aunt Ethel – 3/14/1953
  • Alice’s Aunt Ethel  (Ethel Owen) is staying with Ralph and Alice, and has overstayed her welcome as far as Ralph is concerned. He’s been sleeping on a cot in the kitchen, and after a night of no sleep, he has to try and get milk off the ledge and breaks it, injured his hand in the cot, and can’t get into the bathroom. Alice tries to come up with an excuse for her to leave, while Ralph discusses it with Norton, and decides to fake a back injury to tell her that he needs to sleep in a soft bed to heal it. Although she was already planning leave to visit Cousin Mildred, Ethel then tells Ralph she is going to unpack and stay longer to nurse Ralph back to help. Her recommendation is for him to sleep on the hard kitchen floor. Ralph and Alice manage to have a good laugh about the situation. 9 minutes. 5/28/19
• 020. What’s Her Name? – 3/21/1953
  • Alice and Ralph return from a night at the movies with the Nortons seeing the film Burning Lips. Ralph is in rare form with his rudeness to Alice, and she laments that he doesn’t act more like the film’s leading man Ronald Colman. Ralph counters with the fact that Alice doesn’t exactly look like the leading lady Lana Turner either. However neither can remember the name of the other actress in the film, and even though Ralph claims he doesn’t care about it, he finds that he can’t sleep until he figure it out. They consult the newspaper but Alice had lined the garbage with it and it is covered it ketchup. Norton is awakened by their bickering and comes down and attempt to view the theater marquee but can only see the names of the leads and Ronald Reagan, because the rest is blocked by Mr. Murphy’s underwear. Finally their yelling leads to Officer Jimmy Nolan stopping by and threatening to arrest them if they don’t keep it down, and when they tell him the reason for their noise, he advises them they can tell it to the judge. This help Ralph remember that the actress’s name is Arline Judge. 7 minutes. 5/29/19
• 021. Lunch Box – 3/28/1953
  • Alice has been out shopping and gets caught in the rain and comes home and puts her shoes in the oven to dry them off. When Ralph arrives home, he is in a horrible mood because the lunch that Alice packed him in his lunchbox was not only meager, but terrible. Alice gets tired of being blasted, so she heads up to Trixie’s and tells Ralph he can make his own dinner. Ralph tries to cook a can of soup, but takes the instructions to ’empty the contents’ of the can too literally and throws it away. Ed visits and they discover the shoes inside the oven, which enrages Ralph even more. He calls Alice back to explain why they are there. Ralph’s co-worker Freddie Ferguson (George Petrie) stops by and tells Ralph that they got their lunch boxes mixed up, and how delicious the food that Alice prepared was. Ralph is apologetic and Alice forgives him and offers to make is dinner. 9 minutes. 2/14/20
• 022. Easter Hats – 4/4/1953
  • Unavailable for viewing. This episode is considered lost.
• 023. Hot Tips – 4/11/1953
  • Ralph, Alice, and Norton are getting ready to go the horse races. Ed has on his lucky jacket, and Ralph finally locates his missing sock and zips up his fly, then tells Norton that he has inside information and plans to bet $30 on a horse. Alice overhears this and finds out that Ralph is planning to bet the rent money and throws a fit. As they are getting ready to leave, Eddie the grocery boy, a neighbor lady, and Max the butcher all show up and ask Ralph to place bets for them. Ed overhears that a police officer got wind that Ralph is taking bets and thinks he’s a bookie. Ralph swallows the list to stay out of trouble. When the officer comes up, Alice sticks up for Ralph and tells him to show the officer the list of the neighbors who they all know. Ralph sheepishly says he’s swallowed the list… but then finds the list in his pocket and realizes he has swallowed the money. Ralph is apologetic to Alice, but she can only laugh. Ralph thinks she is laughing at him, but soon he joins in as well. 11 minutes. 2/14/20
• 024. Norton Moves In – 4/18/1953
  • Trixie comes to the Kramdens’ door one night at 3am because they had their apartment painted and can’t stand the small. Alice offers for her and Ed to stay overnight in their place. Alice insists that Trixie sleep with her and Ralph and Ed share Ed’s cot in the kitchen. There are problems immediately when the cot collapses and they are forced to sleep uphill. Ed then annoys Ralph by asking for first a cigarette and then a match… then deciding to just keep the cigarette until morning. He changes his mind and lights up, dropping the match and burning Ralph, who then flies into a rage and kicks the Nortons out. Alice is livid with him and reminds him that with everything he’s borrowed from Ed, this is the first time Ed has asked anything from him. Ralph has a change of heart and goes to invite them back, but he doesn’t have to go far as Ed is waiting outside his door and cheerfully accepts his apology and invite. 12 minutes. 5/26/20
• 025. Ralph’s Diet – 4/25/1953
  • Neighbor Mrs. Rafferty (Zamah Cunningham) is hosting a surprise party for her husband, and wants to hide the turkey and chocolate cake with Alice until the time comes to serve it. Alice tells her that Ralph’s doctor has put him on a strict diet, so she hides the food to keep the temptation away from him. Ralph comes home in a horrible mood from eating such a little amount of food all day, and demands that Alice let him devour whatever is in the ice box. She insists that he maintain his diet and serves him a vegetable salad and vegetable juice. Norton comes down and tries to help convince him too that not losing weight could kill him. After everyone is gone, Ralph finds the Rafferty’s food and immediately annihilates it, before he is interrupted by Mrs. Rafferty coming to get it. Alice comes in behind her and forces Ralph to tell her what happened. Alice tells Mrs. Rafferty to order new food and Ralph will pay for it. Ralph delivers his apology to Alice and promises he will start the diet tomorrow. She forgives him and tells him to go ahead and dig into the turkey and cake since he’s starting tomorrow. 12 minutes. 9/8/20
• 026. The Dinner Guest – 5/2/1953
  • Ralph and Alice host Ralph’s boss Freddie Muller and his wife Harriet for dinner. Ralph wants to butter him up and discuss the upcoming promotions that will be available at the office. Unfortunately, every time he opens his mouth, Alice seems to interrupt by offering more food. Ralph hopes they can stay home and play cards, but Freddie wants to go to a movie. When Ralph finally convinces them they can have fun staying in, Alice puts on a record and Freddie begins dancing with her. Ed comes downstairs and joins in with the mambo, ultimately stepping on Ralph’s foot and injuring him. When he reminds Alice that Trixie is ready for them to leave for their club meeting, the Mullers say they are ready to leave anyway. Ralph is furious that he never got a chance to talk business, and blames Alice, threatening her that he won’t have money to take her out anymore. Freddie returns to grab Harriet’s forgotten purse, and thanks Ralph, compliment both Alice as hostess and Ralph for not bringing up business during their evening. He tells Ralph to stop by his office to discuss promotions the next morning. Ralph apologizes to Alice. 10 minutes. 9/8/20
• 027. Manager of the Baseball Team – 5/9/1953
  • Alice is worried sick when Ralph is an hour late in coming home from work. However he eventually comes home with champagne to celebrate the fact that he overheard that he is going to be promoted to the manager at the Gotham Bus Company. He is excited about the prospect of being able to afford for Alice to have a bunion removed, and then dreams of going on a second honeymoon and taking the Nortons, and beginning to re-furnish the apartment and have the icebox painted. He goes on to fantasize about going up the ladder until he is president of the company, and announces the changes he will make. While he is out picking up some cold cuts and beer to celebrate, a courier brings the official notice of his offer… to be the manager of the company baseball team. When he comes home after crowing about his new job to the neighbors, he sees the telegram and realizes his mistake. He is apologetic to Alice, but she forgives him and makes it clear that she loves him the way he is. 10 minutes. 12/26/20
• 028. Alice’s Birthday – 5/16/1953
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 029. The Dorsey Brothers Show – 5/23/1953
  • There is a charity dance coming up with the Gotham Bus Company, and Alice is planning and practicing a Spanish dance for Trixie, when Ralph comes home and blows his stack, forbidding that she participates and ‘lay an egg’ on stage. During the course of the argument, he also insults Trixie about her career in burlesque, causing her to storm out. When Norton confronts him about it, Ralph admits that he teased her about burlesque, and Norton forgives him immediately. Ralph shares with him that he plans to get Tommy Dorsey (himself) and his orchestra to play the charity dance. Later he tells Alice to call Dorsey and see if she can set up a meeting with him about the performance. She thinks he is talking about Tommy’s brother Jimmy Dorsey (himself) and contacts him. When Ralph realizes what happened, he is worried because the brothers hate each other. Jimmy comes over to meet with them, and Norton has to rush him out of the room when Tommy comes over. Ralph is narrowly able to get them both out of the apartment, but he has asked Jimmy to play at the dance, while Alice has asked Tommy. Ralph decides that whoever shows up first will be the one to play the dance. On the night of the dance, the crowd is entertained by Jerry Katz and the Kittens orchestra, and then by a raffle for a new TV. The emcee (George Petrie) announces the winning number and both Ralph and another guy named Jack Philbin (Frank Marth) say they have the number. Ralph thinks he is a phony and punches him out, but then realizes that he was looking at his hat check number. Tommy Dorsey arrives and has his band set up onstage, and then Jimmy enters and sees his brother there. They bicker about how was invited to play, and then decide to both leave. Ralph’s boss Mr. Ferguson overhears this and threatens to fire Ralph if they leave. Both decide to give Ralph a break, and Ralph talks them into burying the hatchet and playing together. Ralph and Ed each do a solo dance, and the couples fill the dance floor as the band plays several songs including Ruby, You’re Like a Dream with vocalist Gordon Polk. 35 minutes. 12/26/20
• 030. The Prowler – 6/6/1953
  • A police officer comes to the Kramdens’ door at 4am to report that a prowler has been spotted in the building. A fearful Alice wakes up Ralph, who initially freaks out, but then calms down when she tells him that the police are in onsite trying to find him. When a knock comes on the door, Ralph pulls out the antique gun that his uncle gave him… only to find out it is Norton, who has also heard about the prowler. Then they hear footsteps on the stairs and again assume it is the prowler…but this time it is Trixie coming down to get Ed. Ralph finally throws everyone out so he can return to bed. Alice is still nervous so she asks Ralph to stay up with her while she makes coffee. He still thinks the situation is ridiculous, but while he is sitting at the table, the prowler (John Marley) sneaks in the window and hits Ralph over the head. The policeman and his partner (Frank Marth) show up and arrest him, while Ralph is completely catatonic from the hit he took. After they’re gone, he wakes up with no recollection of the hit and continues their conversation, merely commenting that his head itches. He heads to bed, laughing about the useless gun he has, which goes off accidentally and causes panic in Ralph and laughter from Alice. 11 minutes. 4/20/21
• 031. Guest Speaker – 6/13/1953
  • Ralph is asked by his fellow Raccoon George Williams (George Petrie) to say a few words at the next Raccoons meeting, so Ralph frantically begins writing a speech. He is also panicked because his pants that he spilled beer on aren’t back from the dry cleaner yet. He becomes more and more irritated when neither Alice nor Ed find his opening joke funny. Ralph tries to talk Ed into joining the raccoons, but he has no interest. Ralph continues to rehearse his speech, but he is interrupted by a delivery boy bringing his pants, then Trixie visiting and chatting with Alice. He finally melts down and throws Trixie out of the apartment. He then screams at Alice about her lack of support, and stressing the importance of the speech and the big things it could lead to. Then George stops by and gives Ralph a speech that he’s already written… which is actually just an introduction of the actual speaker: George Williams. Ralph gives an apologetic speech to Alice, and she tells him he’ll always be the head Raccoon in their house. 14 minutes. 4/20/21
• 032. Vacation at Fred’s Landing – 6/27/1953
  • After a particularly rough day, Alice is looking forward to the upcoming two-week vacation that she and Ralph are taking with the Nortons. Trixie asks if Ralph has gotten over his desire to go fishing instead of Atlantic City, where they have finally all agreed to go, and she says that he is not convinced. However, when he arrives home that night with new fishing gear, it becomes clear that he has changed his mind in favor of going fishing at Fred’s Landing on Lake Pocomoonshine. This doesn’t sound fun to Alice at all, so the two start fighting tooth and nail, until Alice reluctantly agrees to go. On the way to their destination, the car breaks down and Ralph and Ed have to push it. And old timer farmer (Parker Fennelly) happens along and helps them fix the car, but can’t give them directions to Fred’s Landing. After he leaves, Ralph joyfully sets back out, but the engine explodes, and he and Ed are back to pushing the car again. They eventually arrive at Fred’s and set up camp. After a few days, Alice and Trixie quickly tire of all of the work they are doing. Ralph and Ed finally catch their first tiny fish, so they can have something other than beans for dinner, even if the fish is a tiny one. Ralph and Ed think they’ve had a rough afternoon in the hot sun, so they decided to take naps while the women prepare the meal. Alice has had it by this time, so she plots to make Ralph want to leave. She fills his tent with smoke, pours water on his feet, and claim there is snake outside while he is trying to sleep. Ralph admits to Ed that he is having a miserable time, but can’t admit it to Alice. He decides to scare her into begging to leave by wearing a bearskin rug and posing as a bear. Norton sees him in costume first… but doesn’t realize that Ralph is actually behind him and he is addressing a real bear. The bear leaves just as Alice and Trixie return from the lake and spot him. At this point, everyone agrees to abandon the trip. Ralph apologizes to Alice for not taking her feelings into consideration, and they all agree to spend the next week and a half in Atlantic City. 31 minutes. 8/16/21

Sketches from THE JACKIE GLEASON SHOW – 1953-1954

• 033. Sprained Thumb – 9/19/1953
  • Ralph has had a minor accident at work when his bus hit a car. Ralph is sent home, is seen by the company doctor, and has been diagnosed with a sprained thumb. He is extra demanding with Alice and wants her waiting on him hand and foot. Ralph thinks there is more wrong with him and insists on seeing his own doctor (George Petrie). He insists that his thumb is swelling up more, so he runs it under hot water, burns himself, cools it off in a bottle of cold water, gets his thumb stuck in the bottle, breaks the bottle to get out of it, and then steps on a broken piece of glass. Norton stops by and Ralph tells him that his neck is stiff as well. Norton tries to crack his neck and causes his head to become tilted. He gets him out of it by telling him that a man in the apartment has a gun, causing him to straighten up. Ralph’s doctor shows up and tells him that there’s nothing wrong with him, and that his thumb will be healed by the next day. However, he takes one look at Alice and sees how tired she looks and declares that she needs to be in bed and taken care of, due to exhaustion. Ralph feels terrible and declares how much he loves her and wants her to get better, apologizing for driving her so hard. 13 minutes. 8/16/21
• 034. Lucky Number – 9/26/1953
  • When Ed offers Ralph an extra ticket to the baseball game, Ralph calls off work pretending to be sick so that he can go to the game. While he is there, he wins a $1000 prize when his Pop’s Pumpernickel ad in his program has a prize-winning number in it. When he gets home, he excitedly tells Alice the news, as well as all of things he plans to do with the money: new wardrobes for both of them, a refurnished apartment, a move to the top floor, a new car, and to send all his old clothes to Alice’s parents. Trixie is noticeably irritated that Ralph hasn’t offered anything to Ed, since he is the one who offered him the ticket. Alice goes through a litany of things that Ed has done for Ralph, but Ralph blows it off. When Mr. O’Keefe (George Petrie) shows up from Pop’s Pumpernickel to give him his money and take Ralph’s picture, Alice suddenly realizes that Ralph can’t be in the paper because his boss might see it and fire him for calling off sick. Ralph doesn’t care and simply cannot bring himself to turn down the prize money. Alice won’t let Ralph sing the waiver, because they can’t print his picture without it. In face, she tears it up. Ralph tells O’Keefe to go back and get another copy and he’ll sign it. While he is gone, Mr. Abrams the Gotham bus company doctor shows up to check on Ralph. When Ralph asks why he has never checked on him before, Abrams tells him that the company is cracking down on workers who call off sick when they’re not really sick. He tells them that one guy called in sick that day and then went fishing… and it will probably cost him his job. Ralph has no choice but to admit that Alice was right again, before telling her that she is the greatest. 16 minutes. 2/14/22
• 035. Hot Dog Stand – 10/10/1953
  • Ralph and Ed meet up on their lunch hour to discuss their latest venture, buying a hot dog stand from their friend Phil. They can’t agree on whether to call it Ralph and Ed’s or Ed and Ralph’s, but they’ve agreed they’re going to ask their wives for the money. No matter how many gauntlets Ralph throws down, Alice won’t budge and claims that she’s put all of the money in and that they’re saving it for their old age. He and Norton meet up again and find that Trixie was just as stubborn in her refusal. Ralph decides to call his cousin George, who owes him $25, but is then reminded that it was actually he who borrowed the money. He then plans to try his rich, skinflint Uncle Matt, but is so disgusted how hard he is to get money from, that he winds up telling him to drop dead as soon as he answers the phone. Then then decide to try and get a bank loan, so they meet with loan officer JJ Foster. He turns them down when he finds out they have no experience and no collateral, but when he finds out that they intend to work all day at the hot dog stand and then report to their other jobs at night, he advances the loan to them. The guys open up the hot dog stand on the side of the highway near a construction site. Ralph believes that the construction workers will buy hot dogs, and then once the building opens, the employees will be customers. Alice and Trixie join them to help on the first day, and Ralph and Ed practice placing using initials to shout out the orders. They finally get their first customer (George Petrie), but when he hears that Ed works in the sewer, he loses his appetite. When Ralph loses his temper with Ed, Alice reminds him how crazy the whole idea was and that Ralph is to blame. They finally get a second customer, who tells them that the building they are getting ready to open is a Howard Johnson’s motel and restaurant. Ralph then realizes that the idea was a flop and he’ll never make any money. Ralph admits his mistake to Alice and has to eat crow. Alice comforts him and tells him that they’ll just pay it back out of their savings. Ralph tells her she’s the greatest. 35 minutes. 2/16/22
• 036. Two Tickets to the Fight – 10/24/1953
  • Alice is preparing dinner because her Uncle George is coming into town from Pittsburgh and is looking forward to visiting with her and Ralph. Unfortunately, Ed has offered two front row tickets to the boxing match that night, and Ralph is looking forward to seeing one of his new favorite boxers Carmine. In fact, he tries to show Norton how Carmine is so adept at ducking out of a punch, but he gets punched by Norton in the process. When Ralph tells Alice that he’s getting ready to go to the fights, she tells him he can’t go because Uncle George is looking forward to seeing him, and he has helped them out quite a bit. Ralph is adamant about going anyway, and acts as if he can’t stand George. When George arrives before Ralph can get out the door, Alice thinks he is stuck with staying home. Ralph quickly comes up with a plan and feigns a back illness, telling George that he just needs to be alone with Alice so that she can help soothe his back. Ed comes down to get Ralph and sees him in his sorry ‘pained’ state, and thinking that Ralph really has an injury, offers the tickets to Uncle George for the fight. After the leave, Ralph is seething with anger and barely control his temper. All Alice can do is laugh at him… and eventually Ralph joins in with her to laugh at himself. They decide to stay home and enjoy Alice’s roast beef by themselves. 11 minutes. 6/22/22
• 037. Halloween Party – 10/31/1953
  • The Kramdens are going to the bus depot’s annual Halloween party, and they’ve invited the Nortons to come along. Alice is an angel, Trixie is a sailor, and Ed is Clara Bow. Alice has made a costume for Ralph which contains a hula skirt and a top hat, and says he is a Zulu Chief. Ralph is disappointed in the costume and wants something better to wear. While looking for more materials, Ralph gets caught in a mousetrap found under the bed. Ed suggests he put on his tuxedo and go as a corpse. Ralph is annoyed at the idea, but it gives him one of his own: to rip up his new tuxedo and go as an elegant bum. Although Alice tries to warn him not to tear up his only tux, he does it anyway. His co-worker Freddy Muller and his wife come to pick up Ralph and company, and tells them that the party isn’t for Halloween, but rather for the boss’s birthday. Since Ralph has ripped his tux to shreds, now he has nothing to wear. Ed and Trixie go home, and Ralph begins his apology to Alice for ruining everyone’s evening. NOTE: This sketch is a remake of the 1952 sketch Halloween Party. 9 minutes. 6/22/22
• 038. Champagne and Caviar – 11/7/1953
  • Alice is working around the house to make it clean, and Ralph is trying on each of his two suits over and over in order to determine which one is the most impressive. Alice explains to Trixie that they are going to these extremes because Ralph’s boss Mr. Marshall (Howard Smith) is coming over for a visit. Ralph brings home champagne and caviar to impress him further, in hopes that it will get Ralph a promotion…. which will be worth all of the money he has spent on the food. Alice thinks it is overkill and that the only way for him to be promoted or get a raise is to work hard. Ed stops by, but Ralph wants to get him out of the house before Marshall arrives, so he sends him off to the movies. However, Ed stops back by Ralph’s apartment and tells Ralph he is short $1,50 to go to the movies, but Alice only has $1.25. Ralph scrambles to try and find the extra quarter, and Mr. Marshall arrives as Ralph starts to throw a fit. Ralph has Alice search for the quarter, and finally he gets Ed out of the apartment. Mr. Marshall sits down and has a nice visit, chatting and eating the caviar and drinking the champagne. After he short time, he gets ready to leave and asks Ralph to meet him on Monday morning with the Board of Directors. The purpose of the meeting it to convince the Board members that raises are not need at the company at this time, and he wants to use Ralph as an example of someone who is doing just fine on his current salary. Ralph expresses his regret that he didn’t spend the caviar and champagne money on Alice, but nevertheless they sit down and enjoy the leftover snacks. 15 minutes. 10/13/22
• 039. Letter to the Boss – 11/14/1953
  • Ralph comes home from work one day and reports to Alice that he’s been fired. It seems that when Ralph brought the bus back to the depot that evening, the supply room associate told him to turn in his uniform because he won’t be driving the bus for them anymore. Ralph is beside himself after all of the abuse he’s endured for the bus company for so many years. Ralph and Trixie start brainstorming idea of how to get by if Ralph is out of work. Alice suggests that she get a job, but Ralph won’t hear of it… but instead he suggests that they move in with Alice’s parents. The idea is quickly nixed by Alice, who suggest that Ralph confide in his friends and see if any of them have any job opportunities. Ralph wants to keep it confidential from his friends, but as soon as Ed walks in, he tells him. Ed tries to convince him to keep a stiff upper lip and go bowling with him. Instead, Ralph starts to fume about his boss J.J. Marshall (now played by Robert Middleton) for firing him and decides to write him a letter by dictating it to Norton – that stars “You dirty bum…” and goes downhill from there. He then closes it with “Respectfully yours, etc. etc.” and then sends it off with Norton to be mailed. Later, Ralph’s co-worker Freddie Muller (George Petrie) stops by to congratulate Ralph, as he has not been fired, but rather promoted to Traffic Manager. Ralph is thrilled… until he remembers the letter he wrote. The next morning, he stops by to see Norton at the city lockers. Norton had forgotten to mail the letter but sent it out to be mailed by the janitor (Sammy Birch) just before Ralph arrives. Ralph is too late to stop him, and then start discussing breaking into the mailbox, or worse yet, blowing it up with a police officer (Frank Marth) standing right behind him. Ralph makes up a story that they were just writing a play, and when the officer leaves, they resume their plans to rob the mailbox. As they’re trying to get into the box, the janitor returns and tells them he forgot to put the letter into it… but ran into the mailman and gave it to him directly. Ralph’s next stop is at Mr. Marshall’s office, where he nearly swipes his mail, but is caught at the last second. He has a hard time finding an excuse as to why he is there, and in the meantime, Mr. Marshall comes across the letter and reads it, laughing the entire time. When he gets to the signature, Norton has signed it “etcetera, etcetera” so he had no idea who it was from.  Ralph faints dead away on the floor. Later, Ralph is thrilled with how it turned out and heads home with celebratory Chinese food… but then Norton comes along and tells Ralph that he felt bad and stopped by Mr. Marshall’s office and confessed that Ralph had every reason to write the letter since he thought he was fired. Ralph again faints dead away in the middle of the dining room. 32 minutes. 10/14/22
• 040. Finger Man – 11/28/1953
  • As Norton is chatting with Alice about getting Ralph a book on reducing for Christmas, Ralph comes home all excited because he has recognized a known murderer named Bullets Durkham on his bus and has turned him over to the police. A newspaper reporter (George Petrie) comes over with a photographer (Humphrey Davis) to take pictures of Ralph for the newspaper. Chief (Robert Middleton) also stops by to thank Ralph for his act of bravery. The reporter also asks Ralph’s feelings on the threat that Durkham made toward Ralph that he would come and get him when he gets out of prison. Brady assures Ralph that Bullets will be going away for life. Brady is then joined by a fellow officer who tells Brady that Durkham has escaped. Ralph then spins into a panic and tries to decide what to do. Officer Casey (Frank Marth) and his partner then stop by and tells him that Durkham is likely to come to the apartment. He asks Ralph to act as bait while they wait for him in the bedroom. As soon as Ralph says, “Bullets, it’s you!”, they will jump out and arrest him. When Bullets does indeed show up, Ralph is speechless and can’t say anything. Norton then enters the apartment and sees him and says “Bullets, it’s you!”. The police officers are able to arrest him. Casey tells Ralph he’s one of the bravest men he’s ever seen. Alice finds it amusing that Ralph is boastful about how brave he was, and she has heard Norton say “Bullet’s, it’s you.” Ralph explains that he didn’t want to say it because he was afraid that he might spook the killer and get shot, which would leave Alice a widow. Alice confesses that she loves Ralph, and he admits that he is a yellowbelly. 12 minutes. 2/10/23
• 041. Santa and the Bookies – 12/12/1953
  • Alice has been working at home knitting baby clothes for a downtown baby shop to help raise money for Christmas. She has also developed some back pains, so Trixie offers to make her an appointment with her sister’s doctor, Dr. Roberts. Ralph comes home and is furious that all Alice has to offer him is tuna, especially after a bad day at work. When he tries to help Norton by hiding his gift perfume for Trixie in the drawer, he finds the baby clothes that Alice has been knitting. Then when Norton relays a message from Trixie about her doctor’s appointment, Ralph comes to the conclusion that Alice is pregnant. He feels terrible about yelling about his dinner, but Alice also feels bad that she’s been giving Ralph cold tuna for the last several days. Ralph won’t let her exert herself to run to the butcher to get two legs of lamb. Ralph also laments not having enough money to put his new baby through school. He decides to pick up an extra job, so he looks in the classified ads and finds an opening for a charity Santa Claus. He goes to see the two shady guys from the ad, Rocky (George Petrie) and Left (Elisha Cook Jr.) and offers up Ed Norton to portray his elf. What Ralph doesn’t know is that the guys are bookies and will be using him as a front to collect bets. They tell Ralph that customers will be putting in money along with a slip of paper, which they claims tells them on whom to spend the money and what to buy. Ralph and Ed hit the street as Santa and an Elf and run across many betting customers: an old lady (Nell Harrison), a drunk (Frank Albertson), and eventually a police officer (Frank Marth). When he puts some money in the kettle, Ed asks him if he’s going to drop a slip in too. He questions this, looks at the slip. and arrests Ralph and Ed on site. They are thrown in jail where Ralph laments that his new baby will have a jailbird for a father. Ralph pleads with the police detective (Robert Middleton) and tells him that he would never do something like this, especially when he’s about to have a baby. However, when Alice shows up, she informs everyone that she’s not pregnant. Ralph is stunned, and the officer really has no mercy on Ralph now. Ed then reminds Ralph that Rocky and Lefty are supposed to meet them on the corner to pick up the money. Ralph tells this to the officers, and they allow Ralph and Ed to return to the scene of the crime. When they bookies do in fact show up, the police arrest them. As Ralph is once again complaining about the state of his life, a woman gives him some change on the street, and another officer (Ralph Stantley) arrests him for panhandling without a license. Eddie Hanley is Knuckles Grogan. Victor Rendina is the first bet-maker on the street. 35 minutes. 2/14/23
• 042. Christmas Party – 12/19/1953
  • On Christmas Eve, Alice prepares for a Christmas party at the apartment. Ralph comes home late with the items he was told to pick up, and explains that he had stopped at Joe the Bartender’s bar, where rich man Reginald Van Gleason was buying free food and soda for everyone. Alice sends Ralph back to DeVito’s to return the potato salad and pick it up from Krause’s. While he is gone, Fenwick Babbitt delivers a keg of beer and block of ice before realizing he has the wrong apartment. Frances Langford (herself), who once worked with Trixie in Vaudeville, stops by with Ed and sings the songs Great Day and I Love Paris. Joe stops by and talks about a guy they call the Poor Soul who was thrilled when someone gave him a cheap rhinestone after the Poor Soul took the last piece of free sausage and fed it to a kitten. Alice tells Joe to send the Poor Soul up for a real gift. When he arrives, she presents him with an old tie of Ralph’s. The Poor Soul is so touched that he gives Alice his cherished rhinestone. Rudy the Repairman and his mumbling partner Whitey show up to fix the Kramden TV, which they do when they find a pair of ‘shorts’ in the TV. Norton brings the little neighbor Eddie Hodges (himself) who performs the song Walkin’ My Baby Back Home before he goes to sing at Joe’s place. Reggie Van Gleason stops by bearing gifts and brings with him his own brass band and the June Taylor Dancers who perform a ragtime number as he dances. Ralph finally returns, accompanied by a police officer, having been arrested from breaking the window at Krause’s, trying to get their attention while closed. Ralph and Alice exchange their gifts, with Ralph getting rabbit fur-lined gloves and Alice getting a Napoleon orange juicer – the same gift that Ed had given Trixie. 36 minutes. NOTE: This is the third version of the same episode which had previously aired on 12/21/1951 and 12/20/1952. 7/22/23
• 043. New Year’s Eve Party – 12/26/1953
  • With New Years Eve a day away, Alice tells Trixie how she is coming up with her resolutions, and one of them is to not fight with Ralph no matter what he does. She also tells her how she found a briefcase full of sheet music in a telephone booth at Gimbel’s Department Store, and how someone is stopping by to pick it up. They also chat about how much they’d like to go out for once on New Years Eve night. When Ralph comes home, he overhears Alice telling Trixie that she is going to come up and try on her dress. Ralph tells Ed there’s no way he’s going to go out for an expensive date for New Years Eve. He tells Norton that he is going to get out of it by starting a fight with Alice so that she’ll no longer be in the mood to go out. As soon as Alice gets back from Trixie’s, Ralph lays into her for no apparent reason, but Alice is trying to follow her resolutions and simply agrees with everything Ralph says. Finally he just blurts out that they’re not going out for New Years. This rouses Alice to fight back until they wind up in a screaming match. Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey then stop by to pick up their music and invite The Kramdens and the Nortons to be their guest at the Statler Hotel for New Years Eve where they will be playing. Ralph jumps at the chance for a free night, but after the Dorseys leave, Freddie Muller stops by and tells Ralph that their boss J.J. Marshall (Robert Middleton) has added Ralph to the evening schedule on New Years. Ralph is furious, so he goes to see Marshall and storms into his office, but before he can demand to be off that night, he sees Marshall turn down two other drivers asking for the day off. Marshall says nothing outside of an extreme illness will get anyone off for that night. Ralph then fakes stomach pains until Marshall tells him to go home and go to be and that they will replace him for that night. It turns out however that Marshall and his wife Gladys (Virginia Damon) are also at the Statler Hotel for the Dorsey show. Thanks to Ed striking up a conversation with Marshall, he sees Ralph there and fires him for lying about his illness. However, Gladys has run into Alice and Trixie in the restroom and they become friendly. When Marshall tells her that he fired Ralph for lying to him, Gladys reminded him how he lied to get out of going to her mother’s New Years party so they could come see the Dorseys. Marshall agrees he was too hard on Ralph and winds up joining them at their table that the Dorseys’ provided. The Dorseys and their band perform Marie, and then singer Gordon Polk (himself) joins the for Ain’t She Sweet. Finally, they perform the instrumental Puddle Wump. This leads them into midnight and Ralph and Alice share a big kiss to welcome in 1954. 37 minutes. 7/22/23
• 044. This Is Your Life – 1/16/1954
  • Ralph has been selected to be a guest on the TV show This Is Your Life after his boss recommended him as a typical New York bus driver. Alice has met the show’s representative Mr. Wilson (Les Damon) for lunch to discuss the details. Alice tells Trixie that not only will this allow them a free trip to California to film the show, but they will also win a car, jewelry, and a movie camera and projector. Alice is on the hunt for photos of Ralph to turn over to the show, so she makes plans to meet Mr. Wilson the next day for lunch again. Norton stops by to wait for Ralph to get home, but when he does, he finds Ralph in a crestfallen mood, having seen Alice having lunch in an Italian restaurant while he was on his bus route. When he questions her about her day and specifically where she had lunch, she skips talking about Mr. Wilson. He believes this mean she is leaving him, and he goes through a gamut of emotions of anger, sadness, and despair. Making matters worse, Norton finds the airplane tickets to California and the written notes of her next meeting with Wilson. Ralph decides to show up at the restaurant and catch them in the act, so he and Norton meet there for lunch. He sees Alice there, but while he is taking his seat, Alice and Wilson finish up and leave the restaurant. He winds up listening to another couple who are clearly in love. Ralph then inadvertently punches the man (Alan Manson) as he is leaving. leaving her lover (Patricia Patti Pope Petrie) freaked out. Ralph then decides to play detective and head to the pool room to try and find information about a man who likes Italian food and has plans to go to California. One of Ralph’s friends, Phil Parker (George Petrie) is in there talking to a friend about going to California because as the person who introduced Ralph and Alice, he is going to be on This Is Your Life as Well. As Ralph and Norton play pool, they begin randomly questioning men as to whether they’re going to California. Ralph hears Phil’s friend Puggy (Eddie Hanley) telling Phil to have a good trip to California, so Ralph asks him if he wants to join Ralph and Ed for Italian food. He says he doesn’t want to… because he’s had it the last couple of days. Ralph then becomes convinced that Phil is the culprit. He invites Phil over for dinner, and then plans for Norton come and get him to help him with his sister by saying she had a breakdown in New Jersey. Ralph then sneaks outside and spies on them through the window, getting angrier and angrier as they laugh over some old pictures of Ralph. Before Ralph can get back into the apartment, Phil leaves and Mr. Wilson shows up and gets punched by Ralph, who demands an explanation from Alice. Finally, when he threatens to fracture Mr. Wilson unless she tells him what is going on. Once she tells him that he was going to be on This Is Your Life, Ralph becomes disqualified from being on the show. Ralph feels terrible and apologizes for not trusting Alice. He says he just loves her so much that the thought of her looking at another man drives him crazy. She tells him that it is nice to have a jealous husband after fourteen years of marriage. Mike O’Dowd is the wrestler in the pool hall. Frank Marth is the guy whose wife lives in California. Ralph Stantley is Ralph and Ed’s waiter. Victor Rendina is the other waiter. 38 minutes. 11/21/23
• 045. Cottage for Sale – 1/23/1954
  • Ed stops by the Kramden apartment where Alice is hosting Trixie, Gladys (Zamah Cunningham), and their other friend (Virginia Damon) and announces that Ralph has a surprise, but he’s not supposed to share the secret. He then proceeds to tell them that Ralph wants to go in with Ed want to buy a summer cottage for $989. When Ralph gets home, Alice gives him an emphatic no on the cabin at Paradise Acres. Ralph is furious that she is so hasty, and that he never gets a vacation while Alice lives in paradise around the apartment. Eventually, he talks her into at least going over to look at the model cabin. Over at the model, the salesman Mr. Mosby (George Petrie) tells his boss L. Palmer (Eddie Hanley) that he has a huge project in a Mr. Kramden that is coming to see the cabin. When he arrives, Mosby pretends that he is selling Mr. Palmer a cabin, which won’t be available until the following April. Ralph doesn’t realize that the model is the super deluxe $2000 model, while the $989 cabins aren’t quite as nice. Alice and Trixie find the cabin beautiful and think that it will be a steal for only $989. Ralph asks them to step out of the cabin so that he can try and negotiate and gets some money shaved off of the price, even though Alice already thinks it would be a steal. However, once he finds out that this nicer cabin is $2000, Mr. Mosby tells him that he can get it down to $989 by removing some of the luxury accessories. This equates to them getting the cheaper cabin, which looks like a run-down shack. When they arrive at their new cabin, they are all horribly disappointed. They all decide to leave, but then hear wolves outside. Ralph tries to build a fire, but can’t get one lit. He attempts to use kerosene but winds up blowing up the stove. Trixie tells Ralph that he is going to have to buy them out of their half, but Alice comes to Ralph’s defense and insists that it is just as much Ed’s fault as it is Ralph’s. Alice and Ralph end up storming out and says that the Nortons can pay them half of it, crashing through the door as they leave. Later, once they are home, Alice has made up with Trixie, and encourages Ralph to do the same with Ed. They won’t speak to each other, but they have put an ad in the paper and a potential buyer is coming over. Ralph and Ed are able to shake hands when the guy, Mr. Walstedter (John Seymour) offers $1000 for the cabin. Ralph is thrilled to have made an eleven-dollar profit on the deal, but when they ask the man why he wanted the cabin so bad after seeing it, the man admits that a highway is going through the cabin and that they are going to pay him $4000 for the land. Ralph and Ed recommit to not speaking to each other again. 40 minutes. 11/22/23
• 046. Lawsuit – 3/27/1954
  • Ralph has Alice waiting on him hand and foot after he breaks his leg in a bus accident. He also plans to sue the bus company as the crash was caused by a windshield wiper not working, which caused him to hit a tree. He claims that the bus company owns the maintenance department, so he hopes to sue for ten thousand dollars and clear at least eight after paying off the lawyer. Alice warns him that this will cost him his job with the company, but he thinks he’ll be able to take the settlement and buy his own grocery store in Jersey City. Norton comes down and tells Ralph that he called the lawyer for him and that he will be stopping by. The company adjuster Mr. Butler (Sammy Birch) also stops by with the offer from the company to pay all of his medical bills and back pay, but Ralph tells him that he plans to sue and rips up the papers. The lawyer Mr. Thomas (George Petrie) then comes over and tells Ralph he has a clear cut case and he’ll have no trouble suing the bus company. However, believing that Ralph was a passenger on the bus, he also tells him that operating the bus with faulty windshield wipers is completely the fault of the bus driver. Ralph has no choice but to eat crow with Alice and start making plans to tell the bus company that he was delirious with his medication. 15 minutes. 3/31/24
• 047. Fortune Teller – 4/3/1954
  • Alice hosts a meeting of her Ladies Club in the apartment, and they have over as guest a woman named Madame Zelda (Anne Seymour), who reads cards and palms to tell the women their future. When Ralph comes home, he thinks it is all fun and games but doesn’t believe in the validity of it. He gets a bit more annoyed when he finds out that each woman paid $3 to Madame Zelda, who he considers to be a con artist. Before Zelda leaves, she offers to read Ralph’s future. She gets very little correct with the card reading, but when she reads him palm, she suddenly panics and tells him that she doesn’t want to share the results. Ralph doesn’t care at first, but then becomes obsessed with what she saw in his palm. Alice suggests that he go to see her the next day if he can’t forget about it. Meanwhile, over at Zelda’s place, she discusses with her cohort Sid (Jack Albertson) how she easily has hooked Ralph into becoming fixated on getting her readings and plans to string him along for several visits. When Ralph shows up, he willingly pays her $5 to read his palm, and she tells him that his future shows that he will murder someone in the next week. Highly concerned about this, he demands to know who it will be, so she charges him another $5 to look into the crystal ball. She says the image is too hazy and that he will need to return the next day. When he gets home, he keeps doing things that could be construed as attempted murder: massaging Alice’s neck, yelling at her while wielding a knife, for example. When Alice looks under the icebox for a missing ketchup bottle cap, Norton come in and thinks Ralph has done her in. Ralph ends up pleading for Alice to go stay with her mother, but she refuses. Norton then invites Ralph to stay with him, and they come up with a plan to tie themselves together so Norton can feel him if he sleepwalks. When Ralph gets irritated at Norton, Ed suddenly becomes aware that he might become Ralph’s victim, so Norton leaves the apartment. Ralph then decides to visit the police station where he asks the desk clerk (George Petrie) to lock him up. When they refuse to put him in jail for no reason, Ralph punches another copy named Murphy (Frank Marth), so they give him ten days in the slammer. Before he is taken to his cell, some cops bring in Madame Zelda and Sid for their bunko operation. Ralph is thrilled to find out she is fake, as it means he can go home, but the officers insists he serve his ten days for assaulting an officer. Sammy Birch is the drunk that the officers bring in. Zamah Cunningham is Alces’s friend Mary. Virginia Damon and Patricia Patti Post Petrie are Ladies Club members. Ralph Stantley is the officer who arrests the drunk. 4/1/24

HONEYMOONERS episodes from THE JACKIE GLEASON SHOW – 1966-1967 – CBS

NOTE: From this point onward, the show was filmed in Miami Beach, and although not all episodes featured the Honeymooners sketches, they are sometimes known as “The Color Honeymooners” and generally ran for the full hour of the show unless otherwise noted.

• 014. Life Upon the Wicked Stage – 2/11/1967
  • Ralph visits Norton on the rooftop where he is sun tanning to discuss the $200 prize he hopes to win in a talent contest for the Halsey Street Amateur Hour. Ralph would like to use his winnings to buy a new fishing outfit for a trip to Fred’s Landing, and plans to use the remaining three dollars to buy Alice some netting to avoid the mosquitos. Norton plans to use his for a trip to Miami Beach to escape his mother-in-law. They briefly rehearse their swami mind-reading act which Norton can’t quite get the hang of. Norton does his monologue A Visit to Grandpa’s Farm, which Ralph ends quickly, and then they sing a duet of You’re a Star. When Ralph gets home, he finds Alice and Trixie rehearsing for the same contest where they will perform as a hula girl and sailor. He forbids Alice from making a fool of him because he says she has no talent. However when she challenges him, he changes his tune and bets her ten dollars that the men will beat out the ladies. She says she has a ringer act and performs a rendition of Tiptoe Through the Tulips on the bells, which Norton then rearranges after she leaves the room. That night Ed and Ralph stay up until 1:00am rehearsing the swami act and performing their duet Let Me Be a Song and Dance Man Again. Both Alice and the upstairs neighbor Garrity berate the guys for making noise so late, but that doesn’t stop them from rehearsing a Laurel & Hardy tribute act in which Norton plays customer getting a pie in the face from a waiter. However when Ralph attempts to hit Norton with the pie, he winds up hitting Alice. On the night of the contest, the emcee (Johnny Morgan) introduces Alice and Trixie as the Kitchen Cuties and they perform the song The Most Popular Gal in Town. The next act is barber Ace Fargo (Robert Goulet) who only gets out a few lines of If Ever I Would Leave You before he gets the hook. Ralph and Ed then perform their swami act with a lady from the audience, but Norton fails to guess the object she gives Ralph, mistaking clues about her ring for a bell, a bathtub, and book about Ringolevio. Once they start their song and dance, they quickly get the hook. Alice and Trixie wind up winning the grand prize, and not only does Alice gloat, but she demands the $10 bet winning. When Ralph questions why, she explains that she spent $97 on the new fishing outfit for him, and needs $13 for some netting. At one dollar a foot, that’s three for her and ten for him. He thinks she is the greatest. After the show Jackie Gleason addresses the audience and talks about beginning his career in the Halsey Street Theatre. He introduces Robert Goulet and the rest of the Honeymooners cast. NOTE: This is a remake of the sketch “Songs and Witty Sayings” from May 14, 1955. 5/24/20 (online)

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